When is O.K. not O.K.?

That’s a question The Grasshopper asked this morning and I’ve been fishing for an answer ever since.

It feels like a conundrum yet I sense if I keep exploring, something will pop.

I sense that real O.K. is a kinesthetic sensation, something you feel in your body. Fake O.K. seems to be masquerading as O.K. in our heads.

In other words, if I tell myself something is O.K. often enough, that will make it O.K. But that’s not real O.K.; it’s only a cheap knockoff.

So the answer I’m getting is that when you have an O.K. in your head but your body is registering a not O.K. sensation, it’s not O.K.

It’s sort of like the baseball rule that a tie goes to the runner. That means if the umpire senses that the ball hits the fielder’s glove at the same time the runner’s foot hits the base, the runner get a safe call.

I believe it’s a pretty safe bet that if you are receiving an O.K. signal in your head and a not O.K. signal in your body, that it’s in your best interest to rule in favor of your body.

By the way, the signal in the body always arrives first. If we are not tuned into our sensations, we often miss the signal, but it’s always there. If we miss it, we go with the signal in our head. If they both match up, that’s great news; if they don’t match up, we’re in for some discomfort.

O.K. is not O.K when it’s purely a cerebral event. If you have discounted the sensation in your body, more often than not you will not be O.K.

Bottom line: Trust your tingle. It’s the best barometer for finding genuine O.K.

All the best,

John

It seems to me that we spend our whole lives LF-LB.

I believe it’s an everyday occurrence for most of us.

I think there is value in LF-LB, but for me the return on investment is rather low.

I will admit there is a certain glow that comes from LF-LB, but not enough to light a path forward.

LF-LB is like being in Limbo. There is some promise of tomorrow being like our sugar coated memories of yesterday when we LF-LB, but not enough to get us a ticket out of this Never-Never Land.

LF-LB misses one key point – Yesterday and tomorrow don’t exist. They either happened or possibly will happen, but they don’t exist right now.

Right now is the only time we have and we spend most of it LF-LB.

LF-LB is not a waste of time, but when we do it too often, we miss the only time that matters.

Right now is the only time that action takes place. LF-LB tricks us into believing we are taking action, but we are only thinking about action. There is a huge difference. Thinking about action delivers inertia and action, itself, delivers results.

How much time do you spend LF-LB? In the past, I made LF-LB an art form, but sad to say I couldn’t sell what my mind was painting because I didn’t take advantage of what LF-LB forgot – The canvas that was right in front of me – The Present Moment.

It’s helpful to notice when you are LF-LB. It can serve as a springboard to action. When you notice you are LF-LB, you put a wedge in the process and it brings you to the action zone, which is right now.

It may be time to put LF-LB on a budget so that more of your time can be spent in the present. If you need a little more action in your life, now is the time. LF-LB only delays us in getting results.

If you want to take action and get results, you have to lessen the time you spend Looking Forward – Looking Back.

All the best,

John

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Karma, as best I understand it, is an action or deed that causes the cycle of cause and effect. My definition is simpler: You cause what happens to you.

That which happens to us is our karma. We all have things happen to us, good and bad, so depending on the day it’s either good karma or bad karma. But make no mistake, we cause our karma.

There are those who believe that their job is to mete out karma. I would agree if you are the parents of young children or the executioner at a Texas prison, but much past that I don’t see it as our role to decidedly dole out karma.

I can’t prove this but I think hardly anyone goes to their grave without having karma meted out by some force other than another human. Yes, other humans may deliver the sentence but karma was the guiding force.

This is more than a spiritual perspective on my part. It comes down to Newton’s third law of motion: “Every action is accompanied by a reaction of equal magnitude but opposite direction.” I believe Newton was scientifically describing the ancient concept of Karma.

I could easily cite how karma caught up with Osama Bin Laden or O.J. Simpson, but it’s not as tidily explained when we see others get away with actions against humanity, like financial magnates who knowingly sold you something they knew was worthless and going to fail, and helped cause our country’s financial collapse. We may view them as escaping karma and living “high on the hog” while many are struggling financially as a result of their actions to “bring home the bacon.”

I wish I could say with absolute certainty that karma will catch up with them. I can’t. But I believe motion will.

This is a long way of saying I don’t believe it’s my job to mete out their punishment, because I’ve lived long enough to see enough personal, karmic evidence come my way that insures I won’t get away with something without an equal reaction showing up on my doorstep.

I think it’s totally appropriate to call attention to the misdeeds of others, but meting out their punishment is not my job; I believe karma already has them in the pipeline.

You can easily discard the notion of karma as spiritual nonsense, but it’s not as easy to deny the laws of motion. I believe they are one and the same. When I don’t think karma will happen to me, I remember the quote of that famous bus driver, Ralph Kramden who said, “You’ll get yours.”

All the best,

John

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I once read a book called, “How We Know What Isn’t So: The Fallibility of Human Reason in Everyday Life” by Thomas Gilovich.

In there you will find myths that we live by that just aren’t so. For example, Gilovich writes about the origin of the term “Pennsylvania Dutch.”

“The Dutch never settled in Pennsylvania in great numbers, but the Germans did – giving rise to the term Pennsylvania Deutsch. Because of the difficulty many Americans have in pronouncing “Deutsch,” it has gradually been sharpened over the years to the more accommodating “Dutch.” As a result, large segments of the U.S. population currently believe the ancestors of the Keystone state came from Holland. Indeed, a number of products marketed for the state’s tourist trade have a windmill displayed on the packaging to certify it is an authentic product of the Pennsylvania “Dutch” country.”

What do we know that just ain’t so? My guess is it’s a lot.

We carry so much misinformation around in our head that we label as fact, and it stands in the way of any real facts coming out. How many opinions do you express as truth that just won’t stand up to even minor scrutiny? You’ll probably never find them all, but can you find one?

What one thing are you currently labeling as the truth that you cannot support? We rarely take time to investigate our truth but have no problem in spouting it as fact.

“I get a cold every winter” is a fact you say. I can agree because the evidence is there to support it. Where we part company is when you spin a tale that the change of the seasons from warm to cold causes you and others to get a cold every winter. Then you solidify your truth with pseudo-facts and point to a cold remedy commercial on TV accenting the words “Cold & Flu Season.” What about all the people who didn’t get a cold or the flu, don’t they get included in the “study”?

What one “truth” can you retire today? Because this I can guarantee: It’s standing in your way.

What are you holding onto that’s indefensible and dragging you down? Chances are it will be the thing that follows this phrase: “Like I always say . . .”

You don’t have to clean the whole house; just find one little speck of dust and send it to “dust bunny heaven.” This practice is what I call, “Cleaning up our own little corner of the world.” Like all practices, the more you do it the better you get. Who knows, you may actually find the truth if you ever get rid of all the dust.

All the best,

John

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I don’t think there is a more powerful magnet on earth than home.

Even if you can’t go home again, as Thomas Wolfe suggests, you want to.

We’ll travel through rain, sleet and snow to get there for the shelter and safety we feel when we arrive.

How many stories have you read about animals finding their way home under the most unbelievable circumstances?

Given the choice, what percentage of people would choose to die in a hospital?

Home is a special place, even if it’s a discarded, cardboard refrigerator box.

Look at the current rate of frustration of people; I’ll bet if someone does the math, they’ll find the increase in rate is proportionate to the rate of foreclosures. Home is a powerfully emotional place.

I believe our draw to a physical home is an outward manifestation of our draw to our internal home – that safe place where everything is taken care of.

Even when we are lost, we can feel its draw. We innately know there is a safe haven within that’s beneath all the din of our daily lives. We accidentally find it once in awhile and then lose our way again, but we never forget the special feeling of our internal home.

We want to get back there but we don’t know how. The secret is locked up in the word “Home.”

Think of home as an acronym – H.O.M.E.

HALT: Stop what you are doing.

OBSERVE: Notice what’s actually going on.

MEDITATE: Give full attention to your observation.

EXPERIENCE: Feel the “hominess” of the present moment.

The peace and tranquility of home is unmatched by anything we can manufacture in our surface lives. Home has always been and will always be an inward journey. The route there is spelled out for us – H.O.M.E.

All the best,

John

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One word with a question mark behind it has slipped into our vocabulary – Seriously?

The implication is: You can’t be serious! (Cue John McEnroe)

For me, it brings up the question: What are you serious enough about that won’t prompt the question, “Seriously?”

The answer seems to be, “Not much.”

I don’t think most of us have committed to much of anything worthwhile. We claim it’s worthwhile, but our actions seem insincere.

“I love my family” is the top rated piece of drivel that causes me to say, “Seriously?” way too often. For example, how many times have you heard people openly say derogatory things about their siblings, parents, spouse or children? Then in the next breath they say, “I love my family.” Seriously, dude?

“It’s not about the money” is a close second. Rather than say “always,” let me say, “It’s almost always about the money – seriously.”

To me, “Serious” is what gets the lion’s share of your attention. Do a personal assessment right now and answer the question, “What gets most of my attention?” If you are honest, you’d never want to say the answer aloud because it would prompt the response, “Seriously?”

Best as I can tell, it seems we are serious about superficial and not so serious about that which has an impact. Many people put more planning into their vacation than they do their life. If people were as serious about their wedding vows as they are about their wedding plans, you’d see the divorce rate plummet.

I don’t believe we give enough serious consideration to that which we say is important. There is a lot of “taking for granted” going on in our lives that needs to be seriously addressed.

You can find what needs more serious attention in your life when you answer the question, “What am I grateful for?” Chances are you are not expressing that gratitude with sufficient frequency. That means you are not taking it seriously.

What or whom would you miss most if they suddenly disappeared? That’s something or someone to get serious about, now.

That person or thing needs more of your attention and less of your lip service. If you are unwilling to give them or it that attention, you are in serious do-do.

Where do your actions fall short of your words? That requires a one word response – Seriously?

All the best,

John

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How closely aligned are performance and competition? I’m not sure, so allow me to explore.

My sense is that some people like to perform but when it gets to the edge of competition, they don’t perform well.

Take most golfers, pro or amateur, for example. They may perform with laser-like accuracy on the driving range while warming up, but hit it all over the map when they get on the course. One is a performance and the other is competition.

Promising performers in and out of sports have given up something they enjoy because they don’t enjoy competition. It explains a lot.

I believe it’s criticism of a performance, whether actual or anticipated, that has many performers shy away from competition.

Before an argument ensues as to whether competition is a good or bad thing, let me just say I believe it exists in everyone; it’s only a matter of percentages. Those with higher percentages are perceived as competitive; the people lower on that scale are considered not competitive.

Back to criticism . . .

Criticism, constructive or otherwise, causes a number of people to shut down and not be able, or want to perform. It happened to me just this past summer. I was attending a workshop and doing an exercise that I wasn’t performing well. I began to receive some coaching on how to do the exercise better and I wasn’t improving. I kept swinging and missing. Then the coaching began to come from all corners and I could feel myself shut down. I didn’t want to play anymore. I had reached my point of tolerance for criticism. There was no chance for a performance from me at that point. I felt l was competing in an area where I thought I couldn’t win.

Some people like to bake and don’t want to be in the bakeoff. Others enjoy singing in church but don’t want to try out for the choir. That’s love of performance. When a chance for criticism rears its head for them, they stop performing, intentionally or otherwise.

I think it’s valuable to know at what level of competition you’ve shut down in the past, because as the old management axiom goes, “If you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it.” In life, we don’t always have the luxury to perform without competing.

So how do we get our competition percentage to a higher level? It starts with standard coaching questions. Where are you now? Where do you want to be? What are the steps you need to get there?

It’s hard to know where you are on the competition continuum if you’ve never taken an accurate measurement. Just knowing where you are, is often enough to start movement in a forward direction.

Compete or not compete, that is the question. The answer is if you are happy with and able to give your performances without criticism, keep doing what you are doing. If you are not happy with your performance, you may need to take some critical measurements to start the competition ball rolling.

All the best,

John

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I have a confession to make. I have a tendency to lash out when I’m in physical or emotional pain. I suspect I’m not alone.

I have been under the weather for the past 4 days and got to see parts of me that I do not like. The real discovery is that I got to embrace those parts. That means I got to notice them while they were in action. That afforded me the opportunity to head them off at the pass so they didn’t totally take me over and pretend to be me.

Who do we lash out at when we’re in pain? – Usually those closest to us.

Why do we lash? My suspicion is to make someone else responsible for the pain we are feeling. We want them to feel the pain too so they know how much we’re hurting.

One thing’s for sure – A person lashing out is in pain. If their lashing out is a way of life, then they are in severe pain.

The discovery for me is that our pain is our pain and that our attempt to share it is in vain. Lashing out will never get you out of pain.

Our pain is ours to deal with. We may seek assistance from a physician or counselor, but when all the wisdom is doled out, it’s still us that have to address our pain without attempting to send it to another address.

I’m not sure I have a purpose in writing this other than to say, if you notice yourself lashing out, take a moment to notice and acknowledge the underlying pain. It has a way of helping you metabolize it without looking for a whipping boy.

All the best,

John

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I don’t like interpretation.

I Like on and off and black and white. The trouble I run into is that most of my life doesn’t fit into those neat little boxes. There always seems to be lots of interpretation.

The interpretation comes from other people. Unless you are a hermit, other people are part of your life and you will experience tons of interpretation about you.

What you say or do is going to go through others’ filters and will come out differently for them than it does for you. That’s a black and white fact.

Have you ever unintentionally offended someone and then apologized with something like, “My intention wasn’t to offend you”? That’s interpretation at work.

When I studied NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), one of the biggest wrestling matches I had was with one of their main concepts: “The meaning of the communication is the response that you get.” I couldn’t wrap my head around that what I meant wasn’t being communicated.

When something is interpreted, you cannot stick to your guns and say or do the same thing over again or you will set up the framework for a never ending argument. You won’t be communicating. It would be like repeating something to a foreigner who doesn’t speak your language, only you say it louder the second time.

The middle ground for meaning and interpretation is sensory acuity. That means you have to pay attention to how you are being received. That means to pay attention to the feedback coming to you through your senses.

Sensory acuity will immediately let you know if your meaning is getting through or being interpreted. Once you have the sensory feedback, you can pivot to another angle of approach if necessary. My experience is the biggest communication roadblocks come from not paying attention to how you are being received.

The tendency is to say what you are going to say and figure that others know exactly what you mean. That’s almost never the case. There’s lot of interpretation. By paying attention to how you are being received, you have the sensory evidence that will allow you to move forward on the same track or switch to another.

It simply means to get your attention off you and onto another.

If you keep all your attention on you, you will miss the clues that allow a communication to move forward.

I wish I could communicate without interpretation, but precious little would be communicated if I don’t pay attention.

All the best,

John

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To quote my favorite doctor, Dr. Gregory House, “Everybody lies.” No one tells the whole truth because we only have access to part of it at any given time.

Here’s how we play the game: We have a piece of truth and then we build a belief system around it, most of which we can’t substantiate or validate. That does not stop us from prattling it as the whole truth.

When we stick to our truth, we stay stuck.

We extrapolate from our piece of truth and build belief systems that have so many holes in them that they couldn’t possibly be the whole truth. Swiss cheese is jealous.

The truth is we have opinions, most often uninformed, like a majority of the voting populace. Apparently, Winston Churchill agrees with my opinion. He said, “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” I’m also fond of another of his quotes: “A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.” He could have easily put “truth teller” in the place of the word “fanatic.”

Here’s a recommendation for all of us: Stop propping up your piece of truth. It will stand on its own without your fanatical support. Stick with the piece you can validate and my experience is that you’ll enjoy more peace of mind.

There’s a great reminder in the Van Morison song, “Domino” about not extrapolating the truth from a piece of it. He sings:

There’s no need for argument
There’s no argument at all
And if you never hear from him
That just means he didn’t call

How often do we spin the whole truth from one tiny piece of it? We would serve ourselves and those we care about much better by claiming less of the truth.

The next time you are about to prop up your piece of truth with opinions write a blog post like I have. That way we all know what it is – an opinion with a kernel of truth.

All the best,

John

P.S. Today is my 4^th Blog-o-versary. Thank you to all who suggested I write one and thank you to all of you who choose to read it.

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