We are most likely to act poorly under pressure. When someone is pressured, they will revert back to conditioned patterns of behavior.

Think back when you fell down and skinned your knee as a child. There may have been someone there with comforting words and a touch, and a touch of anti-bacterial ointment or spray and, perhaps, a Flintstone’s band-aid. Then there was the payoff – candy, cookie, lollipop, etc.

Is it any wonder that when we get hurt as an adult (pressured), that we reach back for conditioned behaviors – patterns that we’ve learned that are indelible. The nervous system doesn’t know the context of hurt; it only registers hurt from the senses and responds with the patterns it learned.

When you are pressured, it’s helpful to pause and notice that you are about to give a patterned reaction. Just the sheer noticing of your automatic behavior about to kick in, gives you the option to choose another way to go.

Like many people, I get ornery when I get tired. If I am pressured during that time frame, it is highly likely that I’m going to offer a patterned reaction that won’t serve me well. It’s just so automatic, unless . . . I notice.

Noticing may cause me to say something like, “Can we take this up in the morning because I’m not feeling very resourceful now?” Noticing that I’m about to give a patterned reaction is often enough to kick in a different response – one that will keep me from kicking myself the next day.

We often make excuses for people close to us when they respond poorly to pressure. “Oh, he’s just tired.” “The job has really gotten her down.” What we don’t say is what is really happening: They are reacting with past patterns rather than updated ones.

It’s helpful to know that choice is available to you, even under pressure. You just have to stop and notice that pressure is about to reveal your conditioned patterns and interrupt that reaction before it comes out to play and ruins your day.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper had an interesting observation the other day: “Knowing everything can cost you everything.”

Like most of his spontaneous morsels, this one needed time to marinate.

I don’t think he meant “know-it-alls.” They’re just people who are afraid they don’t know enough and overcompensate. They remind me of the expression I remember from the military: “He has an alligator mouth and a hummingbird’s ass.”

Knowing everything has a ring of superiority to it. Here was an eye-opening characterization leveled at me in the past. The person said, “You approach everything like this: I know everything, you know nothing; let’s begin from there.”

I can tell you from long experience that that’s quite a repellent. People move away from someone with that mindset.

Knowing is solid; learning is porous.

You need porosity in order to mingle with others, so that you have common areas, otherwise you’re just a block over in the corner only able to share your knowing with yourself.

Other people know lots. You’ll never get what they know if you pretend you know everything about them. That mindset will get them to move away in a hurry and all you are left with are impressions that impress no one.

Learning is always a journey and never a destination. You stop learning when you are all-knowing and the acceptance you seek will remain hidden because a block of knowing is hard to hug.

All the best,

John

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How dense are you? It sounds like a pejorative question, but upon closer inspection it is requesting a factual assessment.

One dictionary definition of dense would be “tightly packed.” “How tightly packed are your ideas and beliefs about something?” is a question that’s asking you to reflect and inspect rather than cornering you into a defensive posture.

Tightly packed ideas leave little room for the metaphorical sardine that’s going to make some wiggle room.

When your ideas are dense, there’s no room to learn something new on that topic because your notions are as hard as cement. You then become, to quote Lucy van Pelt, a “Blockhead.”

“That’s how it is” is a tightly packed idea, especially if there is an abundance of information available that suggests it isn’t. But when we are dense on a topic, we lose our ability to use the critical thinking we all possess because it can’t get between the sardines.

There must be a solution to create space in a densely packed area. Surprisingly, It’s not more facts. Reminds me of a story . . .

I had some workmen in my house recently who were listening to a conservative talk show on the radio as they worked. I mentioned that I had done a talk show on the radio during my broadcasting career. They began asking me about different talk show hosts and my opinions on them. Rather than give them my opinion on a specific host, I broadened the discussion about why one brand of talk show is more popular than another.

“The most successful talk shows are conservative talk shows,” I said. Any ratings survey will back up my assertion. I went on to say that progressive or liberal talk shows don’t fare as well because they rely on the facts too much and don’t do what conservative talk show hosts do best – tug at your emotions.

The formula is simple. If you are a liberal talk show host, you line up all the disparate facts and you, like a prosecutor, walk your listeners through a timeline and expect them to come to the conclusion you logically expect. The conservative formula is to take a small corner of large picture and get you to focus only on that. They are like defense attorneys who ignore evidence that doesn’t support their case and focus on the pieces that will affect you emotionally.

My talk show experience had me come to this conclusion: Most people don’t want to work hard at coming to a conclusion. They want it handed to them in a densely packed form with no room for opposing opinions.

So what is the solution to creating more space? Firstly, you have to recognize the density of any belief or idea that you own and then make an assessment if it’s getting in the way of you enjoying life more. If you find that your density is causing you pain (having to be right is a major self-infliction of pain), your job is to observe your mind at work.

What we normally do is join the discussion in our mind and have a back and forth argument – much like the daily fare on a talk show. The key to making more room is to observe the arguments being made as a spectator and not a participant. You then get separation from the ideas because you discover that your ideas are not you. You are the observer, not the idea.

Once you discover that you are not the ideas in your mind but the observer of the ideas, the ideas and beliefs become less dense. The more you observe, the more open you become. The more open you become, the more options you have.

If you want to remain dense and right, keep making arguments for your limitations and you will insure two things:

1. Your pain will stay in place.

2. You won’t learn anything new about you.

Observe your density and increase your propensity for more pleasure.

All the best,

John

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“What are your intentions, young man?” is a well worn line from old movies, but our intentions today are as essential to successfully living as they ever were.

The Grasshopper awakened me with this: “Intention: Giving flow somewhere to go.”

Intentions give our creative juices a groove to follow to a specific destination rather than too many canals that lead to petered out and watered down.

When your creative juices are channeled, you have an intention that has a prayer, rather than passively praying that it will come to pass.

How do we channel our intentions?

One secret is to give up the notion that there is no work involved. The set-it-and-forget-it approach makes for great theory but as my late teacher Dr. Dave Dobson said: “Theory is bullshit and defending your theory is bullshit squared.”

Your intention needs a plan of action otherwise it remains a wish.

Additionally, the number of intentions we have on our active list would benefit by being pared down and prioritized.

The hallmark of someone struggling to have their intentions come to pass is a wish list that even makes fairies weary.

If your flow has too many places to go, you have scattered focus and scattered results. You can’t have it all and you can’t do it all, and the longer you hang on to those notions, the longer you delay your intentions.

When I see lack of specific intention, I find a person in love with the idea of being a “Renessaince Man or Woman.” They have fallen in love with a fairy tale and believe that fruition is just another magic apple bite away.

“Today I’ll paint; tomorrow I’ll write; Friday I’ll read more on how to achieve world peace, and the weekend will be dedicated to finding the magic bullet for everything.” Your flow has too many places to go which is why you are going nowhere.

Hang on to your dreams; just don’t turn them into scattered nightmares by leaving them unprioritized and neglecting to dig a groove.

Focus your intentions and watch your fairy godmother’s wings begin to flap. If you are tired of watered down results, give your flow somewhere to go.

All the best,

John

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I’ve come up with an alternate definition for “Shortsighted”: When I can easily see in you that which I don’t see in me.

We’re all shortsighted about something. Just notice what you notice most in others and you will have homed in on your own shortsightedness.

For me, the largest area of shortsightedness is finding flaws in others. I’m world-class at it. Within seconds of meeting someone, I know what their flaw is. I didn’t work at that skill; I just own it. That’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s very helpful when helping someone assess their situation and then assisting them with a strategy forward.

My skill becomes problematic when I act like I don’t have the flaws I easily recognize in others. I have every one of them to one degree or another. It’s when I pretend that I don’t that trouble ensues. It shows up as me being superior, rather than just being the noticer.

When that happens, the person on the other end is less likely to hear my message or see my strategy because I have set up a framework where they can easily feel inferior, and they associate that feeling with me.

Just think about the last doctor that you wanted to smack and you’ll instantly know what superior looks like and what your reaction to it feels like.

When I act like that superior doctor, lawyer or indian chief, I am blind to my own shortsightedness.

Shortsighted and superior both begin with “S.” If you let them go unchecked, you make an “S” of yourself.

It’s OK to notice someone’s shortcoming; but if you dwell on it, it becomes high drama, especially if you claim to be without sin.

I don’t think that I’m going to stop nitpicking others anytime soon, but I am noticing more often that I have “my stuff” too. This noticing has caused me to have regularly scheduled eye exams to keep my shortsightedness in check.

All the best,

John

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I’ve been playing around with the word “react” the past couple of days. I now think of it as two words “re” and “act.”

“Take Two” is a familiar term on the set of a film or video production. That means to re-act the scene.

Another part of my musing on the word “react” is this: Reactions come as quick as lightning. Think of the last time you were surprised by seeing a spider. “Eek!”

Your lizard brain popped out a reaction and you did the same thing you did the time before. That’s an unhyphenated reaction.

When we break the word in two, we get two separate words – “re” and “act.” Think of “re” as rewind. We rewind the video and are about to play the scene over again. “Act” means to take action.

What would happen if between “re” and “act” we took a little pause to consider our action. We then would have the option to play out the scene differently.

Rather than re-act the scene, we give it a new dimension by pausing. That’s what the hyphen represents – a pause in the action.

Now this probably won’t work with my spider example because the reaction is so instant, but what about most other situations where you get an opportunity to employ the dash? Do you have a very familiar, stale, repeating back and forth with someone – a boss, an employee, a parent, child, lover, friend or ex? You know where the conversation will go before it goes there. That’s the time for the dash.

Re-acting a scene takes you nowhere new. When you sense your reaction to a stimulus before you act, you have a dashing opportunity to move out of predictability and create a whole new scene.

The next time you get a chance for a second take, take the opportunity to use the dash and let Take Two work for you.

All the best,

John

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Here’s one thing we all get caught up in from time to time – The ONE Thing.

What’s the ONE thing that would make your life different, better, more complete? That’s The ONE Thing we get hung up on.

What we don’t notice is that, even when we get that one thing, it’s anti-climactic. It really didn’t solve all the problems we thought it would and its “oneness” wears away.

Whomever first said that you take yourself wherever you go was a genius. This person knew that The ONE Thing wasn’t going to change you. The drunk that hits a big jackpot on the slot machines is just going to get inebriated with a more expensive brand of alcohol.

No thing is The ONE Thing. That means that no thing will change you for more than a minute. I know the excitement of a brand new camera arriving by an overnight carrier. I also know that the camera will not make me a better photographer.

The ONE Thing is another version of “When I have ________, I’ll be happy.” Did you ever look back and do an assessment on The ONE Things? If you did, you would have noticed that they weren’t a cure-all for what ails you.

The ONE Thing is a mindset that we’ve been conditioned to and we would do well to outgrow it.

There is no job, relationship, amount of money or any one thing that will make you whole. What we don’t realize is that we are already whole but have been convinced that we are missing The One Thing.

I am not saying that The ONE Thing won’t add to your enjoyment of life, it probably will. What it won’t do is complete you because you are already complete. When you seek your completeness outside of you, you overlook the fact that it’s already within you.

That’s why inner discovery is the most productive adventure. Each time you remove a layer of conditioning, you get closer to your completeness. The ONE Thing is a layer of conditioning, that once removed, will give you a better inside view.

Don’t give up on your worldly desires; they do add spice to our lives. Just don’t think, even for one minute, that it will complete you. It can’t and it won’t.

If you like mantras, try this one on for size: I am complete. It will get you to focus on your completeness rather than on the fairy tale that you are missing something.

If you take away ONE Thing from this posting, let it be this: I am already one and no thing will add to me.

All the best,

John

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I offer two types of input: Spiritual and Worldly.

I use the word “input” rather than advice because most people are conditioned to ignore advice. A computer gets input. If it registers, it’s accepted; if it doesn’t, it’s rejected.

The spiritual input falls into the category of getting to know yourself better. That means that you subtract layers of conditioning and discover that you are deeper than those layers.

My worldly input isn’t as deep, but it is useful.

The other day I was on the phone with our seminar coordinator, Hali and we were talking about some 18 year old twins whose mother gave them each a $100 allowance. I inquired why they didn’t have at least a part-time job at that age. She didn’t know. I then offered some worldly “advice”: “She’s conditioning them for a world that doesn’t exist.”

I am not opposed to giving 18 year olds a helping hand; lord knows, others helped me long after that age came and went. But this isn’t about 18 year olds or monetary assistance; it’s about setting ourselves and others up to fail.

What a rude awakening it is to find out that what you thought was the way it worked and the actual way is quite different. Take the graduate of law school. They just spent four years studying one subject: The law. Let’s even pretend they graduated at the top of their class. That means they know a lot about the law. Then they go out and practice it and find out the worldly law is worlds apart from their knowledge base.

On-the-job training accounts for much more than we’ll ever learn in a formal setting. Hands-on training results in our book reviews more closely reflecting the worldly view.

This takes me back to the spiritual. We have to get out of our heads to get more worldly, and, at the same time, deeper.

To become more worldly we have to take life as it comes more often. Our response to what life brings is going to determine the quality of our life, not our storybook game plan that’s subject to all sorts of worldly disappointments.

I believe in planning and have learned that it’s useful to be worldly enough to adopt Plan B or C or D when someone runs your detailed manifesto through the shredder.

Oftentimes, Plan B or C or D is much deeper than your original idea. You would have never gotten there unless you were flexible enough to become more worldly.

You set yourself up for failure when your plans are always in hard cement. The pleasant irony is that you become more spiritual when you become more worldly.

All the best,

John

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We all speak our truth from time to time – The relative truth.

Relative truth is connected to the truth but it’s not the whole truth. It’s like someone holding on to an elephant’s tail and claiming it’s the whole elephant.

“Unrelative Truth” is the whole truth and it’s rarely spoken. That leaves us with lots of confusion, miscommunication and prevarication.

What is Unrelative Truth? It’s the truth that has no opposite. Most people don’t want their truth confused with the facts. If there is an opposite to what you or someone else is claiming to be true, you only have your truth, not THE truth.

The closest most of us come to “Unrelative Truth” is when we parrot reality. “I am writing this sentence at 6:46 a.m. EDT on Wednesday, June 5, 2013” is reality. If I say, “I am writing a profound sentence at 6:46 a.m. EDT on Wednesday, June 5, 2013,” I only have the relative truth. The minute someone legitimately claims it’s not “profound,” my truth has an opposite and disintegrates.

This is just a reminder to take notice of what you are espousing as the truth. Chances are it has a snowball’s chance in hell to stand up to the heat of opposite.

Please continue to have your opinions because they are the grist that, when tested, get us all closer to the truth. Just don’t claim that your opinion is the truth or you’ll need more tissues for your nose.

Speaking less relative truth will keep your arguments to a minimum and, more importantly, will get you closer to the truth. That last sentence, if you hadn’t noticed, was an opinion. The only way to find out if it’s relatively true for you or not, is to take it for a test drive.

Final opinion: The whole truth, even in court, is rarely spoken.

All the best,

John

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When I was a kid, I know I heard this phrase hundreds of times: In or out! In fact, I’m sure as a parent I’ve used it, at least, that many times.

It wasn’t a question; it was a command to stop coming in and out of the house so frequently. “You’re letting the flies in; in or out!” Pick one and stick with it for awhile was the communication’s intent.

In or out has a new meaning for me now. It’s about my attention. Is it in or is it out?

Once our intellect forms, our attention is in for the most part. That means we do a lot of talking to ourselves in our head. Our attention is inside on our thoughts rather than outside on what’s right in front of us.

You can’t have your attention inside and outside at the same time. It’s one or the other – in or out.

Our attention is like a couch potato; it spends too much time inside. We need to get it out more.

Like many other changes in behavior, it takes some noticing to get the ball rolling. Notice where your attention is. Is it in or out? Once you notice, you can opt for the other.

How often have you heard someone or yourself say, “I can’t stop thinking about it.” Where’s your attention at that moment? It’s inside. The lame prescription usually offered is something like this: “You have to stop thinking about that.” That’s a directive without direction.

Here’s an exercise to do anytime you are trapped inside. Put your attention on anything outside of you. If you are driving in the car and driving yourself crazy with your internal musings, give your attention to the Home Depot sign for a moment. Notice the colors, the shape, the letter spacing. It only takes a split second to notice. Or notice the window or bumper sticker on the car in front of you or the goofy dog with its head hanging out the window. All of these demand that your attention come out.

The benefit is that you have freed yourself from the noise inside, if only for a moment. Shift your attention outward often enough and you’ll break the pattern of staying inside too often. Outward attention gives your mind the relief it needs from an internal pounding.

You will feel lighter the more often you remember to bring your attention out. The next time you notice yourself inside and it’s not a pleasant visit, shift your attention to anything outside of you. That doesn’t mean think about the thing outside of you; that’s just more inside activity. Actually give your full attention to something outside. It could be a cereal box or a bird on a branch – anything outside of you that you can notice with intent. That’s outward attention.

if you really want to find out a lot more about your attention, get to a course with my friend Jerry Stocking. He will get you past the hand holding stage with your attention and have you turn it into a deep relationship.

If you are suffering by your own hand, meaning that you are inside with your dusty thoughts, bring your attention out and notice something, anything. It’s such an easy thing to do and the reward is instant – you get outside of the dread going on inside your head.

All the best,

John

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