I have a theory about angry men, not men who get angry, but those in a perpetual state of pique.

To me, it comes down to one word: Emasculation.

Angry men feel weakened and the only way to chase away that feeling, if only for a time, is to get angry.

Emasculation is depriving a man of his identity or role. No one can actually take it from you, but that doesn’t keep some men from being angry over the perceived theft.

Yes, some men may have modeled angry behavior from a parent or care giver but the thing that keeps feeding the fire is “not feeling like a man.”

Just look at your male friends on Facebook who issue ongoing diatribes about the way it should be. You can feel the anger. They’re feeling emasculated – unable to do anything but rant.

Part of the male persona is due to conditioning. “Big boys don’t cry” comes to mind. Military recruitment taps into this emasculated mindset to populate its ranks. “Be a man my son” is a directive without direction. So with no clear path to manhood, many men feel inept, which generates anger.

I don’t have a solution just the observation. It’s my experience that observing one’s anger, while it’s happening, is a step towards relieving the hostile feelings. Noticing that you have anger within you will get you to metabolize those feelings much quicker than justifying your anger with a rant.

I guess I could reduce this to a bumper sticker: Real Men don’t Rant, but that would only point out the problem rather than solve it.

My recommendation is to notice your state of mind more often. Just the act of noticing interrupts the behavior and in that space between your angry thoughts can come a solution. Let’s call it “Emasculation Emancipation.”

All the best,

John

There’s a boxing term called, “below the belt.” It means that a fighter has struck his opponent below the waistline, which is a no-no.

So it follows that hitting below the belt is striking a vulnerable area. When this tactic is used metaphorically, it can often be labeled as an attack.

It also can be a useful tool when getting someone off their “horseshit soapbox.” That’s the place where they cite “their truth” about why they are the way they are. It’s always a defensive position and it keeps them stuck in place.

Hard questions are perceived by many as hitting below the belt.

Many won’t ask hard questions of a person suffering, thinking it will further damage them. I find that’s not the case. Hard questions are focusing agents. They are bridge building questions – taking you from where you really are to where you want to be.

I wouldn’t recommend a steady diet of them but a well placed, succinct inquiry can take the fight out of a long held defensive position. Perhaps an example would be helpful.

Here’s an excerpt from my book “INTER RUPTION: The Magic key To Lasting Change.”

“It was some 30 years ago and I was pitching an employee communications program to the owner of a propane gas company. I did all the usual rapport building one would do and began my presentation.

There was a lot of back and forth, along with many questions about the content and expected results of the program. It was all pretty routine, until he asked me this question: “How will I know I’ve enhanced my employees’ communication skills?”

I had a ready-made answer for him but for some reason I didn’t bring it out. I just let the question hang in the air for what seemed like an eternity. It may have been no longer than 10 to 15 seconds but in a setting like this, that’s a long time for silence. I just sat quietly and then this question popped out of my mouth: “Why do you think your employees hate you?”

His eyes widened, he sat up straighter, and he looked at me as though I had visited his soul. He asked me, “How do you know that?” I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was along the lines of “Just a hunch.”

This piece of information may have never surfaced unless my patterned answer got INTER RUPTED. The good news for both of us was that we got what we wanted: He learned to communicate with his employees, and his employees learned some new, fun and useful stuff as well. Me, I got paid, and in the bargain I got a bigger payoff than money can buy, that is, how to find deeper, more meaningful answers by INTER RUPTING my patterned way.”

If your patterned way is using kid gloves, you may not be getting measurable results with yourself or others. It may be time to “lace them up” as they say in the boxing world and land a strategic blow below the belt.

I can tell you this for certain: it will take the wind out of any defensive position.

All the best,

John

If an ancient civilization saw an airplane take off and fly, they would think it was magic. We know it’s mechanics and science.

Then we see a master magician do incredible feats, but we know there is some sort of trickery going on. So it’s more magical than it is magic.

So the question is: Is there real magic? – something past hoodoo and voodoo.

I continue to be amazed about the magic of beliefs – the ability to create something unbelievable from concentrated thoughts and feelings.

Think of a beautiful piece of music that once wasn’t even notes on paper. Someone believed they could create something that no one had done before. How about a story writer or a scientist? What led them to their creations and discoveries? It began with an idea and belief.

So the next question is: Do you have beliefs that aren’t working for you? Or better stated, they are working but not to your benefit.

Those beliefs are worth examining and worth outgrowing. That practice makes room for new beliefs – ones that can help us create our own brand of magic.

Your belief that you “can’t” is your biggest impediment to getting to “can.”

I readily agree that believing you’ll be the best ballet dancer that ever lived and you begin your training at age 70 is, to quote Betty Crocker’s husband, “pie in the sky.” That doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy a level of personal greatness in ballet. You can. Magic starts with a belief.

One of the best workarounds to “can’t” is to pretend you can. The magic of pretending opens up avenues of belief that were being held back by the paralyzation of two words: “I can’t.”

Pretending you can is the real magic of believing.

When someone tells me they can’t, I often respond with, “pretend you can.” It’s a magical phrase that opens up possibilities – ones hidden by can’t.

The land of make believe is not hocus-pocus. It’s the proving ground for real magic.

All the best,

John

It’s my sense that some of the most stuck people on earth are stuck in a “hate hole.”

Just look at your friends on Facebook. Is there any doubt about the ones steeped in hate? Also notice that they’re stuck in life, often financially.

Also notice that they blame their stuckness on someone else. If you want to bond or influence these folks, give them someone or something to blame for their station in life and you’ll have a friend for life, albeit a hateful one.

I don’t know a foolproof way to extricate yourself from this abyss, just the following suspicion.

Open yourself to the possibility that there’s something more redeeming than hate. You don’t have to own this position, just explore it. You can always go back to hating if you choose.

Looking at life from another angle is the mindset that needs to be adopted to begin the process of climbing out of this hellhole. It gives you an appreciation that there are other ways to go.

If you can just get a glimpse of your culpability in keeping hate in place, you have a leg up on all the other haters. Sadly, most people won’t adopt a new perspective and stay in their hole. You don’t have to. If you’re tired of looking up from the bottom, stop digging.

Just entertain the notion that giving up hate is a magic potion – one that sets your ascent in motion.

All the best,

John