Which one is easier to do – include or exclude?

My sense is excluding is easier than breathing, yet including ultimately feels so much better.

It’s so easy to keep others on the perimeter if we view them from our perch of perceived perfection or island of isolation. This forms the basis for exclusion – they either don’t measure up to us or fit in with our closed way of doing things. This perspective has us miss a lot.

Including takes a bit of sacrifice. Reminds me of a story . . .

Years ago we had an impromptu, uninvited guest show up right around dinner time. I learned a lesson of inclusion that night. My initial reaction was, “not them, not now.” Luckily for me, my wife had a different idea. She introduced me to an idea her mother instilled in all of her children. She called it “Family hold back.”

The idea was simple. If each family member took a lesser portion, there would be enough for everyone and the guest would feel welcome, included.

My perspective that night went from intrusion to inclusion. I wasn’t a bad or a stingy person before that evening, I just had my accent on protectionism, exclusion.

What you sacrifice when you include is your concept of “separate and apart.” It’s a sacrifice because it goes against our conditioning to exclude and protect.

What we’re protecting is an image of the way things are supposed to be rather than how they actually are.

Inclusion is a reality based strategy. Exclusion is a strategy to protect the illusion of separate and apart.

Inclusion opens us to the concept of diversity. Exclusion keeps us right, and left out.

This is not an argument against doing things in a preferred way; it’s more of a wake-up call to recognize that way isn’t the only way. It’s in that moment of recognition that we discover that what we are protecting and defending is a way of life that doesn’t allow for procreation. That means we can’t grow.

“Separate and apart” is the basis of all conflict. Inclusion, as my friend, Jerry Stocking says, is love.

It’s hard to exclude someone who’s the same as you. That’s everyone. They may look different and have different conditioning and ideas, but make no mistake – that’s you in someone else’s skin.

Just begin to notice your pattern to exclude. Each time you notice, you weaken its hold on you and open yourself up to the inclusive view that everybody is you.

All the best,

John

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I am in awe of people who have skills I don’t own.

When I watch the Olympics, I get treated to athletes of all stripes with skills I will never have.

When I watch the DIY (Do IT Yourself) Network on TV, I witness people with all sorts of mechanical skills I can only dream about.

When I read an article online about someone who has invented something that’s just mind-blowing, I, again, am reminded of gifts I don’t have.

That seems to be our collective obsession – focusing on what we don’t have.

Now for some, that’s a motivational strategy to go get what they want. For most, however, it’s a blueprint to stay stuck.

We get locked into comparing ourselves to cream of the crop or airbrushed examples and pooh-pooh our own skills.

The lack of appreciation for our current skill set is what keeps people from taking the next step towards improved skills.

Reminds me of a story . . .

Many years ago I went to a management seminar and got a terrific piece of advice. The group leader was asking us to assess the skills of the people who worked for us on a scale of 1 to 10. He said if a person was a 5 or under, we should consider replacing them, but then offered this piece of wisdom. Regardless of where the person scored on our scale, the initial goal was not to get them to 10. If they scored a 6, the goal was to get them to a 7, not 10, not now.

How often do we aspire to be a 10 when we’re only a 5? That breeds frustration because of our lack of appreciation of where we are.

If you can accurately assess where you are, you have a much better chance of getting to where you want to go as long as you don’t expect to “leap tall buildings in a single bound.”

Progress begins when you accept where you currently are. If you diminish your current skill set, it’s hard to get started.

Everyone has skills but we have been conditioned to discount them if they’re not comparable to the leading people or where we want them to be.

We may never get to a 10 but that doesn’t keep us from progressing if we’re moving towards the next number. This is not a strategy to lower your expectations; it’s a strategy to overcome inertia.

Reminds me of a strategy I offer for exercise at my seminars . . .

Most people who are overweight don’t exercise on a regular basis. They may join a gym or get a piece of home exercise equipment but the membership goes unused and the home gear becomes what I call an “exercise dust bunny.”

What people do is shoot for a 10 when they’re at a 3. It’s the American Way.

What I recommend is to begin so slowly that it feels like you are doing nothing. For example, I ask someone who is not exercising if there is a telephone pole near their house and they usually say “Yes.” I then ask how far it is from their front door. They guesstimate the distance and then I ask if they would have any difficulty walking to the pole and back. The answer is usually “No.”

I then say, “There’s your exercise program. For the next 7 days, hell or high water, you are going to walk to that pole and back everyday.” They scoff and ask, “How is that going to be helpful?” I respond that for the succeeding next 7 days they are to walk to the telephone pole further down the block, and then for the next 7 days, they are to walk to the one that is 3 blocks away. By the time a month goes by they have a full blown exercise program that only feels like they are walking to the telephone pole and back.

The key to beginning an exercise program and staying with it is to begin so slowly that you can easily replicate it without much effort and then increase the amount at regular intervals. If a teenage boy picked up a newborn calf around his neck everyday, he would not notice the weight increase when it became a full grown cow.

The key to getting into a progressive mindset is to assess your skills rather than diminish them. After assessment, your job is to fashion a strategy to get to the next number. That is your only goal.

Your current strategy is doomed to failure if you’ve given yourself an unreachable goal based on your current skills. When you do the little things with regularity, the big things take care of themselves.

The only obstacle to following this strategy is lack of patience. Most have never noticed what a lack of patience has gotten them so far – lots of starts and stops instead of perfecting their chops.

Assess your skills today and only shoot for the next number, then you’ll be on your way.

All the best,

John

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This may not be the truth but it sure feels like it – Life’s biggest myth is control.

Based on my experience, it’s usually a bigger myth for men than it is for women but control is not opposed to equal opportunity.

What is it we’re trying to control? – That which is.

Once we get a glimpse that we are attempting to control the totality of reality, it would be useful to just stop and have a big belly laugh, but we rarely laugh at our folly but rather push on to control the next uncontrollable moment.

Here’s a warning sign that you’re steeped deep in control: You hate being told what to do. That’s a result of the amount of polarity you have left over from childhood and the belief that you don’t have to answer to anybody.

Reminds me of a story I may have told before . . .

My late teacher, Dr. Dave Dobson had us do an exercise where we would imagine ourselves in a situation where we were being told what to do and rebelling at the notion. Once we felt that rebellion get to its peak, we were to look down into the palms of our hands and laugh aloud.

This was a pattern interrupt. We were noticing that we were running the “I can’t be told what to do” pattern and interrupting it by laughing aloud.

The consensual truth is that there will always be people who can tell you what to do, no matter if you are the President of the United States or the richest person on the planet.

Reminds me of another story . . . when I did a radio talk show many years ago, we had a caller named “Larry.” Larry was a regular caller and his issue was that income tax was illegal. He made all the cogent arguments for his position that are still being made today, but what Larry failed to grasp was the grasp that his rail against reality had on his happiness and health.

Larry was angry, perpetually angry. He had heart problems that he never recognized that he contributed to by his approach to the reality of taxation. This is not an argument for or against Larry’s position; it’s more of a warning sign to recognize what your behavior is doing to you.

Larry’s fight wasn’t with the government; it was with his opposition to being told what to do. The government was just an easy foil to continue believing in the myth that he had control. If illegal taxation wasn’t his issue, it would have been something else he would have pursued to prove he had control.

Please don’t construe this to mean not to take action against oppression – it’s more of a reminder to not let your mission destroy your mental well being and your health. I think of the distraught soul who set his house on fire and flew his plane into the IRS offices in Texas. He believed dying was the only way of taking control. His belief cost him his life and he took innocent lives with him.

Reminds me of another story . . .

Again, many years ago I took on the topic of the slogan for the state of New Hampshire – “Live Free or Die.” That is one of the most controlling statements that has ever been written. In essence, it says, “If I can’t control the situation, I choose to die.” Where is the consideration for staying alive and attempting to figure out another way to be free? That takes too much patience for someone who believes in control.

I have no issue with peoples’ passion against things they don’t like. My point is the control you seek doesn’t exist. That doesn’t mean your actions towards a solution are misguided or won’t work; it only means that if you believe in control, you will suffer.

Suffering is always the result of attempting to control reality. You would do yourself and any cause you may have a giant favor, by taking a moment to laugh at your absurd attempt to control reality, and then regroup with another focus that isn’t bent on control. You’ll live longer and accomplish more.

All the best,

John

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I was in a public place when the Tiger Woods address came on TV on Friday. I had missed it but the announcers were doing a wrap-up of the event. Then I heard the words that captured my attention. The TV announcer said, “Tiger should have apologized to us long before this.”

I looked at the woman behind the counter and asked her if Tiger Woods owed her an apology. She said, “Honey, I’m 67 years old and they were doin’ that kind of stuff long before I was thought of and will be doin’ it long after I’m gone. Ain’t nobody’s business.”

Amen!

The only apologies that I believe are necessary are to his wife, his family, his business associates and to me. The rest is PR.

I’ve watched Tiger play golf and I’ve seen many of his press conferences since he came on the pro tour in 1996, and there was a marked difference when I saw the replay of this address. His confident, assured demeanor was absent and he appeared sincere in his remarks. I felt for him.

I was interested in what he had to say but as hard as I listened, I didn’t hear his apology to me.

I thought for sure he would have included me but he left me disappointed.

I envy the other people who received his heartfelt sorrow and can only hope that my apology is forthcoming.

You hate to tell people what to put in their apology because when they say what you just spoon fed them it doesn’t ring true. But in Tiger’s case I’m going to make an exception. Here’s the apology I want:

“John, I apologize for taking excitement away from your Sundays when you normally follow me on the back nine and I will try and make it up to you when I come back after I put my life back in order.”

That’s the apology I want. Anything else, “Ain’t nobody’s business.”

All the best,

John

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Got a quick visit from The Grasshopper this morning and he dropped this in my lap: “Superiority is a belief, not a condition.”

No one is superior to another except in their mind.

You may have a superior intellect or superior skills when comparing yourself to others. You may even be paid to be someone’s superior, but you are not superior to them.

The belief of superiority is a drug – one that keeps you looking down your nose and smelling something bad.

Superiority boils down to this – NOT LIKE ME.

Investigate that for a moment . . . how could anyone be like you? You are unique. The corollary is true, so are they, not inferior or superior.

Reminds me of a story . . .

Years ago I was attending a seminar where I got into a philosophical “dust-up” with another person attending the seminar. I truly believed I had the superior position and, in fact, thought I was better than this person. What added to my illusion of superiority was the fact that this person was a lousy debater and I had them boxed into corner after corner, revealing their stupidity and my superior skills.

After the person left in a huff, I was reminded of a similar situation I was involved with many years before. I was doing a radio talk show and was debating a forgettable issue with an older woman who was clearly not in command of the facts. I, again, boxed her into corner after corner and easily won the argument. I was feeling quite superior until . . . I listened to a tape of the broadcast on my way home. I heard the exchange, not as a participant, but as a third party. I remember saying aloud, “You just beat up on an old woman.”

So back to the seminar . . . the person came back to read me the riot act about my behavior and in this exchange, I stopped debating and started listening. When I dropped my superiority, I discovered something that has stuck with me ever since – “If I grew up in your house when you did, I’d be just like you.” The opposite is also quite on point.

The discovery of the uniqueness we all develop helped me recognize that I wasn’t superior, just different.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve completely outgrown my notion of superiority; I can only say it’s a work in progress.

The key for me is to notice that I’m displaying my belief of superiority and interrupt it before it has me win another battle and lose the war.

Every time I notice and interrupt, I have a much more productive exchange of ideas and a greater appreciation of the uniqueness we all develop.

This much I can tell you from experience: Sitting on your high horse makes you a sitting duck.

All the best,

John

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How often do we get caught up in the minutia and miss the message?

I must admit I have been one of the biggest offenders. For example, I could easily be labeled a spelling and pronunciation snob.

I could easily blame it on my broadcasting background or my mother, who easily rivaled the character, Mrs. Malaprop by her misuse of words.

For example, she once referred to a man who injured his back and then returned to his job part time as “working spasmodically.”

Another time she bought this elegant tureen and called it a “soup latrine.”

Of course, I would correct her, usually to no avail. Then one day she got angry with me and asked, “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I knew exactly what she meant but I got caught up in the minutia.

When you get sidetracked by the minutia, you often derail the communication by getting wrapped up in what doesn’t matter. It’s productive to correct a broadcaster who pronounces “awry” as AWE-ree when that’s your job. It’s another thing to be the world’s arbiter of spelling and pronunciation.

That doesn’t mean you don’t notice; it just means to notice when it’s not going to make a difference, and interrupt your penchant to interrupt the flow of communication.

This goes past spelling and pronunciation. If you have a prejudice against people who are uneducated, you’re going to get caught up in knowing better and miss out on what they know. Everybody has a piece of the puzzle you don’t have, but you’ll never get it if you stop listening.

This skill may have made me a great continuity director for movies. For example, if you’ve ever seen The Godfather, you may have missed this small piece of continuity. At Vito Corleone’s funeral, there is a quick shot of his headstone and it reads that he died in April. If you remember, he died in his garden in New York. No one has full grown tomatoes in their outside garden in New York in April.

Did this oversight prevent this from being one of the classic movies? No.

Yes, it’s fun to notice, but if the conversation becomes all about the flaws rather than the substance, we are rolling in the minutia. Translation: Dog shit.

So the next time you’re about to show someone your superiority, you may want to first notice if it’s going to matter. This keeps the communication flowing and you smelling better.

All the best,

John

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When asked the question, “How do you know?” people will demonstrate their strategy for how they know. They will use a specific sense (visual, auditory, kinesthetic) to access how they know.

It may be a picture they see in their mind, a conversation they are having inside their head or a specific sensation in part of their body that indicates how they know.

Now, what they know may not be actual knowing, but conjecture, conditioning or mild-to-wild hallucinating. For example, the spouse who “knows” their partner is having an affair may be looking at pictures they’ve created in their mind of that liaison even though there is no actual infidelity.

They don’t know.

Real knowing is not about specifics. Real knowing is not fact based. Real knowing comes from a peaceful place of unformed consciousness.

Real knowing isn’t about being right; it’s more about being in the right place.

Knowing isn’t born in your head; it comes from your heart.

Real knowing, when it arrives, is a universal salve; not a specific potion for a personal pain. A piece of real knowing benefits everyone, not just you.

Real knowing is inclusive and has no opposite.

How do you know when you have real knowing? You won’t have to make an argument for it.

Please don’t mistake real knowing with a belief. Real knowing was present before your beliefs were formed.

Real knowing, like love, can’t be described in words. We can only consciously know what it’s not.

We can only experience real knowing when we suspend having to know how we know.

You don’t have to explain real knowing because it doesn’t need a justification.

You can share the fruits of real knowing with others through your thoughts, words and deeds, but you’ll never know how you know.

Real knowing doesn’t have an agenda, just like a mountain stream has no agenda. It can be used to quench a thirst or float a boat, neither of which is its care – it’s just there.

Real knowing doesn’t come in flavors and one size fits all. It serves all who find it even though you can’t define it.

Here’s to not knowing how you know; it’s the clearest path to real knowing.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper had an elegant quote this morning – “Adversity shows you me.”

The definition of “me” in this case is a collection of conditioned patterns. When someone runs up against confusion or adversity, they will show you their preferred, conditioned strategy. This patterned way of handling things is often out of our awareness.

The recent snows on the East Coast of the United States, presented a lot of adversity for those of us that had to deal with the different situations the storms presented.

For instance, I found myself going into information seeking mode. It wasn’t very clear to me until just this morning that information gathering is my patterned way of reacting to adversity.

It seems that information presents me with options – options that wouldn’t have been clear unless I sought the information.

This isn’t an argument for me having the best option; it’s more of an invitation to find out what your patterned way of dealing with adversity is.

This recognition may show you an aspect of you that you didn’t realize before. Your strategy, whether workable or not, gives you some perspective about what’s worthwhile holding on to and what isn’t.

How do you handle adversity? Here’s a sure bet: You do it the same way every time.

The next question is: How’s that working for you?

It’s this workability assessment that gives you clear insight as to which of your patterns that may need attention.

So let me adjust The Grasshopper’s quote just a bit so you can gain some personal insight. “Adversity shows you, you.”

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper* cleared up one of life’s mysteries over the weekend when he said,

“One of the bigger mistakes you make is to misconstrue your behaviors with you.”

We are judged on our actions, so it logically follows that since we produced those behaviors, they must be who we are.

A person who spews hateful thoughts and does dastardly deeds must, indeed, be those thoughts and deeds.

Not so.

You inhabit the vehicle those words and actions come from, but you are not your car.

You are sitting in the driver’s seat but most of what is done behind the wheel is done on auto pilot. You have been programmed to drive the way you do.

You are not your programming, no more so than Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones. You are acting out a script that has the whole world believing that’s you.

Even though you are not your behaviors, you still have to pay the consequences for your actions. Doesn’t seem fair, but as The Grasshopper also reminded us, “Fair is for fairy tales.”

Recognizing your behaviors, while they are happening, is the moment of discovery that they aren’t you. When you catch yourself in a behavior, you realize that behavior came from your conditioning. You are executing a stimulus/reaction connection that’s programmed to automatically fire.

Catching yourself in midstream is how you discover you. You are the part that does the noticing. The real you is the noticer of behavior, not the executer of it.

If you truly want to discover who you are, begin to notice your behavior, while it’s happening.

Noticing has two immediate benefits:

1. It dispenses with the useless diversions of guilt and recrimination.
2. It helps you outgrow the behavior.

Noticing lets you know that you really have a choice, one that’s been hidden from you by the automatic nature of behavior. When you notice a behavior in action, you finally get to use that free will you’ve been hearing so much about.

Many have willpower confused with free will. They think if they are strong enough they’ll be able to overcome their conditioning. That works for a time and then the behavior returns.

Noticing and interrupting a behavior, while it’s happening, weakens the conditioning. The more often you do it, the weaker the behavior gets and eventually it goes the way of all good flesh.

When you notice, you’ll never again misconstrue you with what you do.

*The Grasshopper is the part of you that lets the truth slip out from time to time. Not the relevant truth but the truth that can only come from the one source of everything.

All the best,

John

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Here is the obvious piece of wisdom we overlook on our way to failing to do something – We must start before we stop.

The opposite is the norm – We stop before we start.

Failure’s biggest contributor is inertia. We don’t start on a path because we’ve already judged in our head that we will fail.

But here’s the rub . . . it’s really not the act of failing that scares us; it’s the perception of how we’ll be viewed if we aren’t successful. It’s that view that prevents us from starting. Again, we stop before we start.

The fear of failure boils down to this: It’s the fear of what other people will think.

Let’s pretend you are a lousy bowler. You went once or twice when you were a kid and now you are in mixed company as an adult and find yourself at a bowling alley.

Your first ball is a gutter ball; you miss everything. The same is true of your second. You now announce that you don’t want to play anymore and you’ll just watch the others. Why did you stop?

If no one else was there and you had the bowling alley all to yourself, you probably would have continued rolling balls down the lane until you saw some improvement. No fear of failure because there was no one there to witness it.

There’s no secret as to why golfers perform much better on the driving range than they do on the course – lack of witnesses.

The amount of things we don’t attempt due to other peoples’ opinions is staggering.

Why doesn’t the shy kid ask the girl to dance? It’s not so much that she’ll say “No,” it’s more about others witnessing his unsuccessful request that keeps his action at parade rest.

What’s really at risk? Your image – the thing that you made up and got comfortable with. It’s the perceived tarnishing of the imaginary vision you hold about yourself that prevents you from starting.

Failing is an everyday occurrence in everyone’s life. We have lots of experience with it, so we’re not really afraid of it.

The fear of people finding out that we aren’t who we think we are is what stops us from starting.

The people who find out that they aren’t the image that they’ve been trying to protect are the ones who start with much more regularity. And here’s the math: Those who start succeed more than those who don’t.

So here’s a thought starting question for the weekend: What would you start if you let go of your imaginary image?

The answer you’ll get is this: There’s no stopping me now.

All the best,

John

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