Here’s an old Grasshopper quote that will change your fate:

“Destiny Is A Dodge.”

The dodge referred to is not a mid size sedan but an excuse to explain our current lot in life.

Destiny is another word for fate – another fairy tale.

“She was destined for greatness.” “He was destined for failure.” Horse feathers!

A more accurate statement for each would be: “She was conditioned for greatness.” “He was conditioned for failure.”

Did you ever stop and wonder why the least educated people are the poorest? They weren’t destined to be poor. They may have been born into poverty but they are conditioned to remain poor.

The minute you start to believe in destiny, you have given up the reins on your future and that horse will lead you back to where you came from.

“It was God’s plan” is another dodge. Blaming God for your lot in life is the height of abdicating personal responsibility for your life.

Life is a series of moments and each moment contains the raw material to blow the myth of destiny to smithereens. The key is to use that moment to fashion a way forward rather than wasting it on the folly of fate.

The more you entrench yourself in destiny, the less your chances of avoiding a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You can instantly tell if you’re a fan of fate if your vocabulary is filled with derivatives of the phrase “woe is me” or the ancient word “alas.”

Wondering, “Why do these things always happen to me?” is a sign that you are locked into the myth of destiny.

Here’s the key to the lock: There is no lock. It’s a figment of your conditioning.

Recognizing that destiny doesn’t exist is the first step towards changing your “destiny.” Noticing your conditioning allows you to begin the process of reconditioning. It is a process. The key is to notice every time when you start to give credence to fate. Interrupt that thought on the spot and watch the myth unravel.

With destiny out of the way, you’ll have a new lease on life every day.

I’ll leave you with the words of a famous donkey breeder: “If you believe in destiny, you can kismet my ass.”

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper was on his soapbox this morning when he said, “People deserve our respect until they become disrespectful.”

“Respect your elders,” “Always be respectful,” “Show a sign of respect” are some of the lessons we’ve been taught in life and it’s hard to argue with their logic . . . until people become disrespectful.

This is not a directive to fight fire with fire but more of a notice to change tactics when encountering disrespect.

I believe it’s productive to begin with respect when interacting with another. It’s when your respect is not returned that you may have to resort to disrespect. Disrespect in this context means that your respect for their actions is no longer a viable strategy to move forward and you have to shift gears.

Reminds me of a story I may have told before . . . I was attending a workshop some 30 years ago when the workshop leader was having a back and forth with a less than respectful attendee (think heckler at a comedy show). The attendee had taken issue with something the teacher had offered to the class. The teacher patiently attempted to explain what was meant by the teaching but kept getting interrupted by this person with obtuse logic that had no relevance to what the teacher was saying. Finally the teacher said, “Either you don’t understand what I’m saying or you’re too stupid to get it. Which one is it?”

On the surface, the teacher’s response was disrespectful, and it worked. The attendee calmed down and listened to the explanation without further interruption.

There are many steps that can be taken before resorting to disrespect but there does come a time when disrespect becomes a tool of change. I don’t think it’s the first tool you want to pull out of the toolbox, but know it’s there if you need it.

The objective of disrespect is not to match the disrespectfulness of another. That never works. That’s just name calling one-upmanship. The objective is to get their attention, not to find out who has the bigger vocabulary.

Once you have someone’s attention, it’s much easier to make your point.

Respect is an admirable quality and also a great song by Aretha Franklin. Just know if the CD starts skipping, you may have to resort to disrespect.

All the best,

John

Here’s a musing The Grasshopper dropped on my doorstep a few years back:

“The One Thing To Know For Sure Is That Nothing Is A Sure Thing.”

We all get into “set and forget” mode with many things. It’s useful that we don’t have to figure out how to turn a doorknob each time we encounter one; it’s less than useful to be certain about something that can’t be known for sure.

You’ve heard of an “elevator” speech – a succinct presentation of the main point you want to make, but you may be unaware that your “soapbox” speech is fraught with uncertainty. That means what you fervently believe and espouse is too often covered over by “pies” made by cows.

What you are sure about, too often, has you discount information that points in an opposite direction. That means an opposing view is met with confrontation rather than invitation.

Your enemies will teach you more about your faux surety than your friends. Birds of a feather will circle the wagons in the darkness of night and reassure each other that they are “right,” causing you to stand your ground and fight. Opposing viewpoints will let in some light, if you let them in.

That doesn’t mean you have to adopt them; just consider them without your current viewpoint being clad in armor.

Surety is a defensive position. Think of the energy wasted by constantly being on the defensive. There is nothing productive that comes from defending that which we can’t know for certain, only smugness that prevents us from finding a cure for sure.

You won’t find this on a bumper sticker but being less sure presents you with more options, which increase your flexibility. “Bend but don’t break” gives you more options than “let them eat cake.”

Begin putting a question mark next to the things you know for sure and you’ll open yourself up to useful options that used to be buried by your manure.

All the best,

John

Here’s a “Throwback Thursday” question from the archives:

Calendar: Timer Or Planner?

How do you use a calendar? It makes all the difference in your quality of life.

The calendar is a metaphor for how you use the concept of time in your life. If you are on death row, you may be counting the days until your final breath. If you’re planning a wedding, you may be scheduling the events that have to take place between now and then to make it a memorable day.

Reminds me of a story . . . when I was in the military, I had about 2 ½ years left on my tour of duty when I made a short timer’s calendar. It was a series of days and weeks left until my discharge. Each day, I would scratch off another day. Most service personnel only make these types of calendars when they have a much shorter time until discharge – like 90 to 120 days. Not me.

My calendar served as a reminder of how many days I had until my deeply desired discharge date. It got me focused on time more so than planning, and had me constantly miss the moment I was in. Do you know the expression, “time flies when you’re having fun”? Well, time wasn’t flying.

The pattern continued even after discharge where I would start counting the days until vacation or the holidays. That should have signaled to me that I wasn’t very happy in the moment, but was looking to future moments to be happy.

Waiting for a moment negates the moment you are in. The moment you are in is the building block for your next moment. If you are ignoring it, you are not building a future, only recreating a past.

If you are living for the day when you can finally (fill in the blank), you are not living, only existing. And when the waited for moment actually does arrive, it’s anticlimactic because your “look to the future for solace” mindset is still in place, preventing you from enjoying even your desired moment.

Here’s a suggestion: If you’re a “waiter,” start using the moments you are waiting to plan and execute something in the future, now. This will give you something to do in the moments between now and then, rather than waiting for the “magic” day. Your moments will become more purposeful and more enjoyable.

Rather than counting the moments between now and then, build towards something that will fill your in-between moments with life, rather than waiting for life to happen.

Put away your stopwatch and you’ll stop watching time pass you by. Immerse yourself in the moment and you’ll be too busy to notice the passage of time, which makes waiting a thing of the past.

All the best,

John

Here’s a blog post I wrote a couple of years ago that seems just as relevant today. It’s titled “I’m Gonna.”

If there are two bigger resolution killing words than “I’m gonna,” I haven’t heard them yet.

The boulevard of broken promises begins with “I’m gonna.”

Reflect for a moment on past failures that began with these two words.

“I’m gonna be a millionaire by the time I’m 40.”

“I’m gonna go to the gym 5 times a week.”

“I’m gonna lose 30 pounds by Christmas.”

Don’t tell yourself or anyone else what you’re “gonna” do; tell them what you’re doing.

“Doing” is active and in the present; “gonna” is future based and promised to no one.

Any list of resolutions are wishes until actions take place. Action can only take place in the moment you are in.

Just a subtle shift in language from “gonna” to “doing” gives you a much better chance of fulfilling your wish.

Side Note: If you’ve added a start date to your “I’m gonna,” it’s doubly insured to fail.

“I’m going to start my diet on Monday” is a red flag that predicts a lot of bull will follow. Here’s a clue: If it’s not important enough to start now, it’s not important.

Please don’t tell yourself or anyone else what you’re going to do. Demonstrate what you’re doing. It’s a much more accurate predictor of success.

I was gonna write this blog post on New Years day but I didn’t.

All the best,

John

This is a “Flashback Friday” musing from The Grasshopper.

“Loose Ends Are The Weakest Links.”

The old axiom is: “You are only as strong as your weakest link.” If you are having trouble finding that link, look no further than something you’ve neglected to tie up.

I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m “negative.” I used to quibble about that characterization until I discovered that it was, for the most part, accurate. The discovery was finding out what I was negative about – loose ends.

Before I made that discovery, I made this one. I am not the person you want in on a brainstorming session. Brainstorming is a free exchange of ideas without judgement. It’s basically “Improv.” You probably wouldn’t get to the funny punch line or the workable idea if I were in the room poking holes in your musings.

I found that my skill set was more useful in taking the “finished idea” and finding and helping to fix the flaws.

Long before I had a career in people helping, I noticed that I was proficient in finding flaws. I’m sure it’s a trait I was conditioned into. My dad was a builder and he would often comment on what wasn’t working as we would pass a construction site. “They don’t see that, John?” he would incredulously ask. My mother was a waitress since she was 14 and had this uncanny skill of spotting “spots” on peoples’ personalities. One day I went to work with her and remember her saying, “See that guy over there, he’s bad news.” She said that after seeing him for the first time and never interacting with him. He was arrested for arson months later.

So, I am cursed/blessed with finding flaws. I see them everywhere and in everyone, but not usually in myself. I’m not as quick on the uptake when it comes to me. I don’t think I’m alone amongst fellow flaw finders in lacking that insight.

But enough about my flaws; let’s talk about my discovery – Loose ends being the weakest link.

Spotting the flaw is easy for me; finding the loose end that leads to the flaw takes a bit more work. Again, I will quote my old neighbor Ed who was a pilot and air traffic controller. He said that 99% of aircraft accidents were due to pilot error. “No need to check the reserve tank, I filled that up last week.” But when you are 1500 feet in the air and switch to the reserve tank and it’s empty, that’s when you learn the deadly lesson of not having a checklist.

It’s amazing to me the things that go awry when we don’t check. Years ago the Grasshopper said, “People spend more time planning their vacation than they do planning their life.” Yes, most plans change due to unforeseen circumstances, but more would go according to “Hoyle“ if we tied up loose ends.

“Oh, I’m a free spirit, I take life as it comes.” That’s a noble declaration until you find yourself buried neck deep in your own bullshit. Find out what you willfully leave unchecked and you will find your loose end.

Tying up loose ends makes life less flawed. Leaving them out there insures that they will trip you up.

Let me tie up my observation with this: You don’t need to focus on your flaws; that will just indicate how imperfect you are. Instead, look to tie up the loose ends that will prevent flaws from happening. They are easy to spot, especially if you make a checklist.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper had a New Year’s Nugget:

“A goal without a deadline is pie in the sky.”

Aside from resolutions, the new year is the setting where many set goals – ones that are rarely reached.

The missing piece is often the lack of a deadline.

My experience is there is nothing like a deadline to light a fire under a cold derrière.

Think of the person who has a hard time waking up and getting out of bed every morning. They oversleep more often than a hibernating bear and they put the grog in groggy.

Observe that same person the morning they have to catch an early plane taking them to their favorite vacation location. Bright eyed and bushy tailed they spring out of bed without having to be cajoled or hit over the head.

The plane is leaving whether you’re on time or not. That’s a deadline.

The difficulty with not having a deadline is that you get lulled into a false sense of having “plenty of time.” You’re not likely to notice the time frittering away until you smack into that last minute wall.

Here’s a resolution worth making: If you set a goal, set a deadline. You’re more likely to get there without having to set fire to your hair.

All the best,

John