Did you ever notice that the people who can really dance aren’t working at it; they’re just dancing.

I’ve never been a great dancer, figuratively or literally.

On the actual dancing side, I’ve always had to work too hard at it – no rhythm. When you have to think about your moves, you aren’t dancing, you’re thinking.

On the dancing around the issues side, I’ve always found it to be a waste of time. Reminds me of a story . . .

Back in my broadcast daze, I had a meeting with the president of our company. I was there to pitch him on a new morning show I wanted to put in place on our station. After the preliminary handshake and pleasantries, I said, “I can present this in two ways: I can lay out the groundwork and then make the proposal, or I can bite right in.” He said, “Bite right in.” The enjoyable meeting lasted less than 10 minutes and I got what I came for, and I didn’t have to dance around.

Great communication is like great dancing; when you’re into the dance, you don’t know if you’re leading or following.

When you are working all the angles, you are not communicating, you’re thinking. That always produces a disjointed dance.

When you are in rapport with someone, the dance takes on a life of its own and you both are passengers on a pleasant ride.

I believe the main goal when meeting with someone is to gain rapport, not displaying prefabricated, robotic dance steps.

I am not a fan of sales training. It’s not that there’s not valuable information in there, there is. It’s the application of that training in a step-by-step fashion that shows me you can’t dance. You’re working at it. You look like the choreographed couple who just took a dance class so they could look presentable on the dance floor at the company Christmas party.

Gaining rapport begins with leaving your agenda at the door. When you truly have communication as your goal, a pleasant dance will ensue and the chance for a mutually beneficial outcome increases.

When the dance steps are obvious, you stick out like a sore toe that’s been stepped on too many times. When the steps become invisible, you are in rapport and are truly dancing.

I think Arthur Murray should offer a new class – Learning Rapport on the Dance Floor.

All the best,

John

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Imagine that you hear an unknown young woman say, “I lost my bow.” You don’t have the advantage of reading her words to see the spelling of that which she has lost, so you guess.

Did her boyfriend leave her? Is her Christmas wrapping incomplete? We really can’t tell for sure.

We do a lot of guessing in life, more than is necessary.

My late mentor, Dr. Dave Dobson called guessing, “Hallucinating.”

We hallucinate what we think another means when we don’t check. Reminds me of a story my friend, Paul tells . . .

He played in a band with his radio station boss. They had a gig one Friday night and planned to meet at a certain spot so they could all travel together in one vehicle. The boss said, “Meet me at Denny’s.” Well, there was a place they went for doughnuts called “Denny’s Donuts” and then there was “Denny’s Diner” where they ate after performances. They both went to different Denny’s.

As I wrote in my free ebook, THE SUCCESS TRIANGLE:

Revisionist historians tell a fabulous story about the massacre Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote about in his poem “The Charge of the Light Brigade.” In this poem, we read about 600 soldiers riding into the valley of death. This death ride took place during the Crimean War. The historians tell us a messenger approached the commanding officer of the 600 and delivered this message, “Advance to the front.” The officer dutifully lead his troops to the front, and they were all killed.

Lord Tennyson’s poem recorded the blunders of the Battle of Balaklava (October 25, 1854) for future generations. This officer was guilty of mind reading, falling victim to fluff (imprecise communication), and then to the enemy. There happened to be three fronts. He never took the time to ask the messenger, “Which specific front?” He knew there were three fronts. The officer owed it to himself and to his men to break down the word “Front.” He mind read that he knew where to advance and paid with his and their lives. Let’s remember the messenger was also a less than efficient communicator.

You can do less guessing in the New Year and reap the benefits. It begins by not assuming you know what another means. If you are not sure, ask. Reminds me of another story . . .

I used to work with a radio general manager who always told the clients they would get “a ton” of free promos if they signed an advertising contract. I never remember an advertiser asking him, “What specifically do you mean by a ton?” or “What does a ton of promos translate into in real numbers?”

You will miscommunicate more often than not when you guess.

Take some of the guesswork out of the New Year and be more specific. It could be the difference between dollars and doughnuts.

All the best,

John

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Some dates are more memorable than others. For example: For me, the year 1066 always reminds me of the Battle of Hastings. Who knows why some innocuous dates stick and others don’t?

Some dates are more personal than the Battle of Hastings – birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, etc.

It’s hard not to feel pain from any remembered dates that weren’t so glorious – 9/11/2001, 11/22/1963, (fill in your own).

We all have potential, painful memories that pop up on the calendar each year. The question becomes: “What do we do with that pain?”

We can attempt to chase it away. That never works.

We are tempted to talk about it for the hundredth time. That only keeps the pain around longer.

What we rarely do is take time to feel the pain.

Caution: This is not an invitation to go over details of the remembered date. That will always exacerbate the pain.

The key is to feel the pain in your body. Find out where it lives in your body, not your head, and give that affected body part your full attention. That’s feeling the pain.

It’s a cleansing process that works if you work at it.

What I’ve found is that the date will always trigger the memory, but the memory will trigger little or none of the pain it has in the past, after you take the time to fully feel the pain.

It seems counter-intuitive to purposely feel pain, until you do it. Then you’ll own the experience of being able to metabolize a painful memory, so it’s just a memorable date on the calendar.

All the best,

John

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Is there nothing we can’t find justification for? Justification is like a fresh coat of paint on rotting wood – it covers over the problem.

Even in a challenging economy, justification is not in short supply. It’s like dog droppings; they’re everywhere.

People justify everything from white lies to mass murder. The telltale sign you are in justification mode is the word “Because.”

How often does “Because” lead us down the road of rationalization?

If you have ever stated, “I’m sorry, but . . .,” you have invoked the “Because Defense.”

What we are attempting to sidestep is the feeling of being wrong. The fear of being wrong is scarier to us than the consequences of the actions we are about to justify.

Who are we defending when we “because” our way through life? – Our false sense of self.

It may not have occurred to you that the person you claim to be you is someone you made up and got comfortable with, so comfortable that you’ll justify until you die that which will keep this cardboard cutout of you alive.

Justification is the fear of death – the death of your false face to the world.

We think this façade can’t be wrong BECAUSE that’s a fate worse than physical death.

Someone would make a fortune if they offered a class on the benefits of being wrong.

Even the most sainted among us is more often wrong than right. Why not acknowledge that which is in plain sight and reap the benefits?

What are the benefits of being wrong? – The freedom from having to defend your actions for the rest of your life. Not only that, you free yourself from the heavy lifting of propping up your false sense of self.

There is a cleansing that comes from being plain wrong.

Put being wrong on your list of New Year’s Resolutions and you’ll feel the benefits of being part of this new cause – the retirement of “Because.”

All the best,

John

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“When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad.” – From The Sound of Music.

Here are a few of my holiday favorites:

Seeing my adult son’s eyes still light up when the Christmas Angel sits atop the tree and blinks.

Any picture of a goofy dog with a Santa hat or Reindeer antlers.

Torrone (Italian candy).

Manhattan Transfer singing Silent Night.

Christmas Eve seafood mélange.

The smell of a live tree in the house.

Singing “Snuffy The Black Nosed Beagle.”

Christmas 1992 when our family went to see “A Few Good Men.”

Your list will look a lot different from mine but you may want to check it twice, because doing so will fill you with sugarplums and spice.

Merry Christmas!

John

Have you ever been the victim of a personal, verbal attack? Silly question, eh?

Even the most sainted among us has been on the receiving end of this lashing of tongue.

For whatever the reason, it can come at the most inappropriate of times, like say the holidays.

As the old axiom goes, “forewarned is forearmed.”

The best defense of such an attack is biting your tongue. It’s less harmful to you than a retaliation of biting remarks, and it gives you the opportunity to bring what’s needed to the interaction – Charity.

It’s my personal experience that personal attacks come from wounded people. They are genuinely hurting.

You may or may not be the source of their hurt, but that will not be obvious to them; you are their target. It must be obvious to you that only a hurting person attacks. This advance knowledge will help to avoid the downward spiral that most personal attacks lead to.

This is not a recommendation to avoid standing up for yourself; it’s more of a suggestion to save it for another day.

One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Robert Anthony rings out like a caroler’s bell when I experience such an onslaught: “You’re never upset for the reason you think.” That may or may not always be true, but it’s a good starting point.

If you can view your attacker as being wounded, you are less likely to take them on if you recognize they are temporarily blinded and crippled with emotion. Remember: Even the tamest dog can bite. This decision not to engage is the biggest, charitable contribution you can make this holiday season or any season.

“Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me” is more than a song we hear around the holidays; it’s a prescription for dealing with a wounded attacker.

They were upset before you even showed up. You just conveniently happened to be the last straw on the camel’s heiny.

It’s difficult not to take a personal attack personally. It takes courage to be the adult in the room when this happens and I’m not telling you it’s easy, only necessary if you want any chance at future peace.

The attack they are launching at you is a pin prick compared to the gash they are feeling in their heart. See if you can find it in your heart to turn the other cheek.

All the best,

John

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Here is a definition from The Grasshopper Daffy Book of Definitions:

UPHILL SLEDDING – Attempting to enjoy that which you don’t have.

Wailing for what we don’t have leads to more of the same – don’t have. It’s a matter of focus.

If your laser vision is on lack, you won’t lack for things to lament.

If you focus on what you do have, it has a multiplying effect.

Here are just a few Holiday “Do’s and Don’t’s” for downhill sledding:

Do take the time to list your blessings and check it twice.

Don’t put envy on your Christmas list. It turns into coal.

Do take time to appreciate what you have.

Don’t miss an opportunity to be kind. It’s the gift that gives back.

Remember this axiom: Focusing on lack will always take you back; noticing what you have will give you the priceless gift of the present.

Who else wants a downhill sled for Christmas?

All the best,

John

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The famed Irish Poet, Brendan Behan reportedly said to a nun tending him on his deathbed, “Ah, bless you, Sister, may all your sons be bishops.”

If you engage your imagination, you can craft some famous last words for some famous people living or dead. For example:

Jackie Gleason – “And away we go.”

Julian Assange – “I’m leaking.”

Calvin Klein – “I’m going out of style.”

Your last words, no matter how poignant or memorable, will pale in comparison to your deeds.

What will you be remembered for? If it’s only for a handful of sayings, they only scratch the surface of who you really are.

My sense is you’d rather be remembered for what you did, not what you didn’t do or say.

We all make mistakes in life, many about which we hold regret. The one thing we don’t do becomes our undoing for however many days we have left.

This one thing is something I wrote about a number of years ago. It’s truly what you’ll be remembered for if you muster the courage to do it. Not only that, it will free you from the burden of carrying a heavy weight until you breathe your last words. It’s called:

“The Opportunity”

Almost everyone longs for The Opportunity but this chance doesn’t present itself to most.

The Opportunity is presented to only a few and most of them do not act on it.

The small percentages of people who do act on The Opportunity have peace and contentment for the balance of their days.

The unsettling news is that the people who never had The Opportunity presented to them, and the ones who did and passed it up, share something in common.

They either regret for the rest of their life that they never got The Opportunity, or they forever rue not acting on it.

Maybe you’re one of the fortunate ones who have The Opportunity right now.

What are you going to do with The Opportunity if you’re lucky enough to be one of the chosen?

It takes courage to act on The Opportunity.

Will it be peace and contentment or lifelong angst? It’s your decision.

What could The Opportunity be that eludes most, is presented to few, and is acted on by fewer?

The Opportunity to make it right.

All the best,

John

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It occurs to me, based on my vast experience with Santa Claus, that there is no sackcloth in Santa’s Sack.

It’s not a present he delivers even to naughty little girls and boys.

Sackcloth is sooo Christmas Past.

“Who’s still wearing sackcloth,” you ask? – Those who haven’t found out how to get to Christmas Present.

Guilt is a feeling about something that’s past that you have no control over now because it’s over. The event is not happening now but you keep reminding yourself of it and reliving it every time you feel the roughness of the sackcloth against your skin.

It’s time to update your wardrobe.

Reminds me of a saying I heard along the way, “You always do the best you can do in accordance with your present level of awareness.”

Picture this scenario: You come home from work and you’ve had an especially rough day. The kids are acting up a bit and you lose it and scream and yell at them. 15 minutes later you get the gift of awareness that they were only being kids and didn’t really need to be treated to your outdoor voice. You begin to feel guilty and out comes the sackcloth. “I’m such a bad parent, blah, blah, blah . . .”

You did the best you could with the awareness that you had at the time. Guilt enters the picture when you judge a past action by a current level of awareness. Wearing sackcloth will do nothing to change a past behavior; it will only keep you scratching at it.

This is not absolution for the consequences of your behavior. That’s a debt that always has to be paid. Recognizing that you are judging a past action by a present level of awareness will get guilt out of the way of making amends.

Guilt delays right action. The time you spend preoccupied with the faux pas of fashion (sackcloth), is time and energy wasted in not finding a remedy.

The remedy is getting the focus off of you and on to a solution. That’s hard to do when you are being pricked by the skin of dead porcupine.

Guilt is a signal to do something about your actions; not a license to perpetually dress poorly.

If you really want a great surprise from Santa this year, burn your sackcloth, make amends, and you’ll receive the gift of recognition – which is the gift of Christmas Present.

All the best,

John

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I was sharing Christmas memories with a friend the other day. It’s amazing what sticks with you most about past Christmases.

It must have been all that talk that prompted a visit from The Grasshopper. He said, “Memories are like feathers from an empty nest.”

It seems that most of my Christmas memories were either from my childhood or from when my children were young. There were lots of traditions passed on and new ones created during those times.

All of my children have children and it’s heartwarming to recognize some of the traditions they have brought forward to their families that we created together.

There is also a bit of melancholy associated with having fewer feathers to tickle the holiday spirit.

I’m reminded of one of my Mother’s phrases: “Children are only lent to you.”

Memories are wonderful but can become like The Grinch who stole Christmas. If all your focus is on what you had, your heart warmth can quickly turn to heartburn.

Memories contain energy; they can fuel you forward or burn you up. It’s really a choice we get to make every time we find ourselves on Memory Lane.

If you choose to extract the power, rather than long for or regret the content, you can light your holidays brightly.

I love Christmas time because there is always love in the air. If you take the time, you can see, hear, feel, smell and taste it.

If Christmas past is dragging you down, take a nice deep breath, exhale slowly and choose to begin a new tradition of making new memories.

Create your own version of “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

All the best,

John

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