Everything has a recipe. Whether it’s organization or chaos, it has a recipe.

It’s easier to spot a recipe when the cake is being baked rather than having to do forensics on the final product.

I came to the recipe conclusion in the mid 80s when I read two polar opposite books – The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump and The Structure of Magic by Richard Bandler and John Grinder.

Trump is a master at structuring a deal – a recipe for success. Side note: The nice thing about being me is I don’t have to like you to learn from you.

Bandler and Grinder methodically observed and catalogued the work of, among others, Dr. Milton Erickson, a world renowned psychiatrist and hypnotherapist who was getting “magical” results with clients.

Recipes, whatever they are for, are there to learn from, copy and tinker with to make your own magic.

Here’s my personal and professional opinion: Most people don’t want to follow a recipe; it’s too much work.

It’s our conditioning that has made us into a “Shortcut Society.” We want to start at the top of the totem pole and not be exposed to any potential splinters.

That philosophy is just that – a philosophy, and it doesn’t work. If you are not working at your philosophy, just thinking, postulating and dreaming about it, you are following a recipe for failure.

There is a step-by-step recipe for success; you just have to be willing to take the steps. I am amazed at the number of people who attend seminars, workshops, symposiums, etc. and decide not to follow the blueprint. The equally amazing thing is to hear them complain about what an awful workshop it was.

We have become addicted to fairy dust and expect the cake to make and bake itself.

Recipes require work.

There is someone who is doing, being or having what it is that you want to do, be or have. Find that person and find their recipe. They may have even passed on but their recipe is alive and well in biographies, autobiographies or as sticky notes in a Betty Crocker Cookbook.

Getting the recipe is the easy part. How many people have asked someone for their recipe at a party and never used it? The practice goes well past cooking and baking.

One of my favorite quotes is begging to be heard again: “Talk doesn’t cook rice.”

The recipe for success requires a willingness to do the work. The “woe is me,” lost little lamb is going to wind up in a familiar stew if they don’t find a recipe and follow through.

All the best,

John

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What attracts you to someone? Looks? Personality? Social Status? Intelligence? or Something Else?

My suspicion is those are not stand alone qualities. Just like you may be attracted to a picture of a shiny new car or computer, you know that neither one is useful to you without a power source.

Our power source is our light. It’s what makes a person personable.

I’m sure we’ve all seen pictures in magazines of the vacant look of some fashion models. That’s a look that serves the ad by getting people to look at the clothes vs. lookng at the model. He or she, admittedly, is nice looking but we are not drawn to them. Their light is absent.

How often is our light obscured?

We obscure our light by pretending that we are someone who we are not. Teenagers do this all the time. It’s one of the reasons teens start smoking. It certainly wasn’t the “taste” that made them start. It was their desire to be someone who they weren’t and smoking was going to do that for them. They would appear older, cooler, one of the gang, chic, independent, rebellious, like my favorite movie or rock star. The next time you see a person smoking, just notice how absent of light they are. Yes, lighting up obscures your light.

But this isn’t a lecture on the evils of smoking; this is a lesson in light.

What are you pretending to be? Whenever you do that, your light is diffused. You are a dimmed version of you.

If you have ever tried to impress someone (and who hasn’t), you are pretending and, thus, lack full access to your light.

Ask any landscape photographer and they will tell you that the best light is either at daybreak or day’s end. It’s when the light has the richest colors.

Your light is your richest asset.

How are you dimming your light? Let me count the ways. Any attempt to embellish who you are keeps you in the shadows. You appear inauthentic and not even moths are drawn to your light.

The real you is your light. We’ve been conditioned to cover over our light with add-ons that are supposed to get us noticed. Each time we think we have to add to ourselves to become more, we become less. Our light is perpetually at the end of the tunnel and this keeps us mostly in the dark.

Discovering your light is a process of subtraction. What pretenses can we let go of? What game can we stop playing? What can we remove that will let our light shine through?

This can be our meditation for the day. Just wonder what you can let go off that keeps your hand off the light switch.

Here’s something we never learned in school: Subtraction can be enlightening.

All the best,

John

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Had occasion over the weekend to get some insight as to why most people really don’t like to have their picture taken.

I attended a workshop conducted by famed headshot photographer, Peter Hurley at his New York Studio. There were 5 accomplished photographers attending and then there was me – a photo enthusiast.

Peter gave some world class instruction to our group and gave us plenty of hands-on experience as we got to photograph 8 different actors/models over the course of 22 jam packed working hours.

These are people who are used to being in front of cameras and skilled in bringing different emotions into their expressions. The objective was to capture something real as well as something that would draw you in to their photograph.

What I found is that most of these people are just like the rest of us who “freeze” when they are in front of a camera. It got me curious as to what’s really going on.

We want people to see who we think we are. Our self image is what we want to convey. The difficulty is that self image is one we made up and got comfortable with and is nothing like the real us.

You really have to dig to get peoples’ depth. Peter is a master at this. He intuitively knows that he has to get them off their game in order to capture their depth. He’s made the process into an art form; and even though it takes lots of work and skill, the results are amazing when you see the final product.

People don’t like to have their picture taken because the resultant photograph they usually get to see is their false self – someone they can see right through. They figure if they can see it so can everyone else.

People don’t like their false selves even though they put that makeup on everyday. It’s the conditioned social mask we wear and we present that facade to just about everyone we encounter.

When I do a coaching or a therapy session, I have to dig past the veneer to get to the real person I’m interacting with and, more importantly, get them to discover that part of them as well. It’s an eye-opening discovery to find out we are a lot deeper than the person we pretend to be.

The next time you find yourself freezing in front of a camera, let it serve as a reminder that you are deeper than your fear. This recognition alone will allow you to remove layers of makeup and let a more secure and natural you to show through.

All the best,

John

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There is a huge difference between arguing and retreating and I’m not sure we’ve parsed the difference to our best advantage.

I assert that knowing the difference will make a difference.

Most people know when they’re about to enter an argument. There are telltale signs – jaw gets set, face gets flushed, fur is up, etc. Whatever happens for you that tips you off that you’re about to get into a verbal tiff, is worth noticing when it happens.

That’s your choice point – Argue or Retreat.

I am not going to lobby for one or the other because both of them have their uses. What I will encourage is to notice which choice you’re about to make.

NOTE: Retreating is not giving up; it’s taking time to reassess your strategy.

Arguing can communicate to others what you are fervent about. It can also indicate to you what’s important enough to give your full throated endorsement to.

When arguing is counterproductive is when you know, in advance, it’s going to go nowhere. That’s when it’s best to bring out the white hankie.

Do a quick assessment: How many arguments have you entered that you knew there would be no exit from? My guess is hundreds, if not thousands.

The trick is to get that awareness upfront rather than after the fact. After the fact writes history books; upfront prevents another endless war.

Sidebar: Some people like to argue for argument’s sake. My poster child for that strategy is law professor, Alan Dershowitz. He is the first person I would call if I needed a serious argument to be made on my behalf. I’m pretty sure he would be further down on my list if I just wanted to chat. People like Professor Dershowitz make their livelihood by arguing.

What will you do the next time? Argue or retreat? No one really knows the answer to that question, but it’s worth knowing that you do have a choice.

Some of the sagest advice you could offer will fall on plugged ears if it’s delivered to someone who is in a mindset to argue. Develop the sensory acuity to sense the state of mind of the other person you are about to interact with. If they are in a less than resourceful frame of mind, retreat and save your wisdom for another time, otherwise you will probably argue to no avail.

If you want to be right, argue, but remember what The Grasshopper said many moons ago: “Some people would rather be right than happy. And preferring to be right, they are left out.”

All the best,

John

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It seems to me that every day can be our birthday. It just depends on how open we are to letting something new come through.

Let’s pretend the following statement is true: There’s a bundle of joy waiting to be born every minute.

How open are you to letting it through?

Happy Birthday!

John

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Best as I can tell, we all have a firm belief in something. It’s the “firmness” of the belief that determines if we’ll grow or not.

For example, many folks have a firm belief in their religion. Few take the time to recognize that almost all members of any faith inherited that belief.

Rather than answering the “What’s your religion?” question like this: “My religion is ______________,” a more accurate answer would be, “My conditioning is (fill in the name of your religion).”

But this isn’t about religion; it’s about firmness and how our conditioning puts the “firm” in firmness.

Your level of firmness in a belief is the level to which you are stuck with that belief. This is quite helpful to know especially when we are arguing for a belief that has no evidence to support it. That would be most beliefs.

It’s my experience that highly conditioned firm believers, who lack evidence for their belief, are more likely to dig in their heels when contrary evidence is presented. The refusal to look at or entertain a countering fact indicates deep conditioning that leads them to firmly plant their foot in do-do again.

The question isn’t whether your belief is right; the question to ask is: “Is my belief working?”

“Right” leads to resistance. “Is my belief working?” leads to “Yes or No.”

Once you discover that a belief isn’t working for you, no matter how deeply conditioned it is, or how long you’ve held it, you naturally begin to let the air out of firmness.

It’s usually not a blowout; it’s more like a slow leak. Your level of openness to new ideas just sneaks up on you and you’re surprised at your ability to outgrow that which was so firm.

When this happens for me, it first arrives as a half smile with the attendant, self-deprecating thought: “How could I have been so stupid?”

Take the time to inspect your beliefs and find out which ones aren’t working for you. Just doing this little exercise is often enough to start the process of outgrowing a firm belief.

It’s the one time in your life that you’ll appreciate going from firm to pleasingly plump.

All the best,

John

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Perhaps you have noticed that we create reasons for everything. There is rarely an absence of reasons, and when there is, we use this catch all piece of nonsense:”Things happen for a reason.”

NO THEY DON’T! Never have – Never will.

Apply a bit of logic and you’ll see that piece of reasoning is born out of fairy dust.

The way our brain is wired has us experience an event first and then reason about it second. Reasons don’t cause reality, they interpret it.

The phrase most used under this reasoning umbrella is, “It was God’s will.” What a hubristic statement that is. That means we are assigning a human trait to our version of the almighty. We are giving God reasoning power. We are attempting to make God into our image and likeness, rather than the other way around.

We act first and reason second. If it happened the other way around, I wouldn’t be writing this blog post.

Creating reasons is magical thinking gone amok.

Let’s pretend you are the finalist for a job you really want and you turn out to be the second choice. After you get the unwelcome news, you begin to spin out reasons. “They hired the other person because (fill in your reasons here).” Notice that you can list reasons all day long and still have some left over.

Would you like an answer that gets you out of the reasoning mode and focused on the reality at hand? In the job scenario listed above, one of the answers that accomplishes this goal is: “I didn’t get the job.”

Please notice the period at the end of that sentence.

Let the period be your reminder to STOP!

The minute you begin the next sentence, you go into the never ending land of reasoning, and with each step, you move farther away from reality.

Start training yourself to answer “Why?” questions with a verifiable fact.

We look for reasons to validate or mitigate our feelings about an occurrence. Notice that each one of those reasons moves you away from dealing with the reality at hand.

Any sentence that begins with these words, “The reason I . . . ” is a clue that you’re about to get something smelly on your shoe. You’re about to step into dog shit.

I will readily admit that reasoning can be fun. It’s a great exercise to use our imagination in a diversionary way. Try it out. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” To get away from Colonel Sanders comes to mind.

Learn this lesson: Things happen and then we reason about them. The sooner that happens, the sooner you’ll deal with reality rather than reason about the hand you were dealt.

It’s not an easy lesson to learn but a necessary one, especially if you want to function better in the world as it is, rather than pretend you live in one that isn’t.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper was up bright and early this morning and nudged me out of bed with this: “When you live in your head, your life is dead.”

I needed a bit of time to process this offering until it became clear. How often do we attempt to explain our life rather than live our life?

It’s the explaining that sucks the juice out of life. Simply put, we talk ourselves out of life.

Alfred Korzybski‘s famous line came to mind: “The map is not the territory” followed by its more modern day cousin: “The menu is not the food.”

Explaining your life is like trying to get sustenance from the tasty looking pancakes on the menu cover, only to get a mouthful of plastic and cardboard.

Living in your head isn’t real. It’s an attempt to create real rather than feel.

Real life can be felt; a life that’s dead can only be talked about.

Constantly planning your life is a full time job that doesn’t pay a salary. Have you ever noticed that life doesn’t go according to plan? Any effective teacher will tell you that the syllabus they worked on all summer goes out the window before the first week of fall classes is over. They have to adapt to life. The ones that don’t have a teaching style deader than Latin.

When you attempt to live life in your head, it’s as though you’re on a never ending search for an artificial sweetener rather than tasting the sweetness of life.

Life is spontaneous; living your life in your head is attempting to create spontaneity. That’s about as effective as faking sincerity.

Head dwellers are caught up in the notion that life should be a certain way and when it doesn’t match up, they do some more planning – planning a life that never gets lived, only thought about.

Are you still unsuccessfully looking for what you planned many moons ago? Your plan has an evidence trail. You’ve received an abundance of clues that your plan isn’t working and each time you ignore them, you get another mouthful of menu.

Plan a party, plan a vacation, plan your dream house, but don’t plan your life. The more time you think about every little detail, the less time you have to live life which is beyond the pale.

All the best,

John

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I had one of life’s happy accidents this morning. I was reading someone’s blog and they misspelled a word that took me off on a track I would have not gone on to without spotting their error.

He wrote that he “wondered off” when he meant to write “wandered off.”

We all wander off. We leave the present and we revisit the past or mentally wander into the future. It’s an every day occurrence. Too much wandering cheats us out of lots of life because life always happens now. Whatever is going on now is your life.

When you catch yourself aimlessly wandering off, here’s something that you can do that will not only bring you back to the present, but it will also engage your creativity and add more fullness to your life – Wondering off.

The late Dr. Dave Dobson taught us about the magic contained in the word, “Wonder.” Wondering engages our creative energy. When you wonder, you are exploring possibilities subconsciously, or as Dave liked to say, “Other than consciously.”

“Wondering off” is simply asking yourself a question and then going about your life while your creative part works on an answer.

Here’s the difference between wandering off and wondering off: Wandering takes you to the same places you’ve already been; wondering opens new doors.

It’s a more productive use of your time to wonder rather than wander. When you catch yourself wandering off, you could ask yourself a purposeful question like this: “I wonder what I could do now that would be more useful than wandering off?” Then just go about your day and notice what your creativity delivers.

The key is to catch yourself wandering and then interrupt it with wondering. In investment terms, wondering is making deposits and reaping dividends; wandering is spending all your money on depreciable assets and depleting your account.

Make a deposit into your creativity bank today and wonder about something. That doesn’t mean to “think about it”; that’s just wandering. Wondering is asking yourself a question and then letting it go as you go about your day. By making this activity a practice, you will discover the miracle of compound interest as your creativity works behind the scenes.

Wonder before you go off to sleep, or as you head out for a walk, or just before you’re about to go into some quiet time. You can wonder anytime you choose. Alternatively, wandering chooses you.

Make the choice to wonder rather than wander and see how much more life you can live.

All the best,

John

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Like all words, “Spring” can be an acronym. Here is one way to enjoy spring more:

S. Leave room for “Spontaneity.” It’s often the catalyst for new discoveries.

P. Pounce on opportunity; it doesn’t visit that often.

R. Rejuvenate your mind. That means to create space in there. Remember that rejuvenate rhymes with meditate.

I. Inventory. What have you added during this life that you can now begin subtracting? It really lightens your load.

N. Replace the word “Never” with “Not up ’til now.” It keeps you open to the possibilities that never negates.

G. Gracias. Be thankful more often and you’ll find more ways to nurture the feeling of gratitude with you.

Aren’t you glad I didn’t select the word “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”?

All the best,

John

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