The Grasshopper came up with this thoughtful observation: “Thoughtful is loving.”

It reminded me of my friend Jerry Stocking‘s definition of love: “Love is inclusion.”

I decided it was time for some quotation fusion.

How often have you said to someone, “That was so thoughtful of you”? It seems to me what you were really saying is, “That was so loving of you.”

You thought to include them and thereby show love with your gesture.

We may not immediately equate thoughtfulness with love but to me they’re one and the same. In most cases, we just can’t bring ourselves to say the stronger word (Love) and that’s sad.

Anytime you do something to let someone know you’re thinking of them, you’re really expressing your love. They were included in your thoughts so much so that you created an avenue of expression for that love.

Through our conditioning, it’s awkward in our society to say, “I love you” without it being misinterpreted as some romantic intention. That’s also sad.

You love more people than you think you do. It’s evidenced every time you express your thoughtfulness.

All the best,

John

Seems we all have a system of prioritization. Sometimes we know what it is but most times we don’t.

I remember, years ago, asking Lowry Mays, the head of Clear Channel Radio at the time, how he prioritized his busy day. He thought for a second and then said, “When I get into the office, I get behind my desk and shoot the snake closest to my foot.”

Sometimes we don’t have time to prioritize the unexpected fires that just pop up. But when we get into a more calm time, we may formally systematize what we have to do.

I’m all for systems and am always intrigued and sometimes inspired by how others schedule their priorities.

But even the best systems seem to be a way of forcing ourselves to prioritize.

I’m more interested in priorities that come to us naturally and how that happens. Reminds me of a story from a long time ago . . .

I remember my mother commenting on the change in me two days after I got married. Her comments were along the lines of going from a boy to a man in a weekend. The woman I married had two young children and, at some level, I knew I had to change my priorities. I didn’t plan it; it just happened. That’s what I’m referring to as a naturally changing priority.

Some of them come with age and experience. What adoring grandparent doesn’t handle their grandchildren with softer gloves than they did their own children? That’s most of us.

What is it that can have us change priorities on a dime, naturally, that couldn’t happen using the best prioritization systems available?

I don’t know, but I have a guess. My guess is there’s a part of us that intuitively knows when a change has to happen and it heads us towards circumstances that facilitate that change.

Some may refer to that part of them as a guardian angel or some other personification. The name is immaterial; the fact that it happens is what’s relevant.

Intuitive knocks on our door are different from the incessant, mind based door bell ringing we hear. We just have to begin to notice the difference and begin listening with more trained ears so we can sense the difference between the two.

Intuitive knocks don’t arrive with trumpets blaring – they just arrive with new priorities in hand, and hand walk us to the new way.

The best way to get in touch with your “angels” is to allow your mind to quiet down. It’s from that serene place that naturally changing priorities arrive, preventing you from having to artificially muster up your drive.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper welcomed in summer with this turn of a phrase: “Aspersions cast a wide net.”

I was thinking about some aspersions cast my way back in the day and how devoid of facts they were. They were of the variety “I know that you did something” – something to which there were no supporting facts.

People who spout unsupported aspersions cast very wide nets – so wide, in fact, that all the fish slip through them and at the end of the day there is no catch.

Generally what I find is that arguing facts with an unsupported aspersion caster is fruitless. They are immune to evidence and consumed with conjecture. They are “goal post movers” of the highest order. That means when you completely blow their argument out of the water, they won’t acknowledge that but move on to another equally empty aspersion.

Here’s an example:

“You said you would do ‘X.'”

“When specifically did I say that?”

“I read it on your website.”

“Where specifically on my website did you see that?”

“I can’t remember but I saw it. Anyway, you didn’t do ‘X’ like you claimed.”

“I never stated or wrote that I would do ‘X.'”

“You should do ‘X’ and because you don’t, you’re a fraud.”

Having done a radio talk show in the past, I can tell you that the majority of the callers were baseless aspersion casters. It’s the same today and it’s one of the reasons I never listen to call-in talk shows.

I find that aspersion casters are perpetually angry and like to argue. I’m not and I don’t. If you want to have a factual discussion, I’m all in. If you just want to vent your spleen, call a talk show; I find that peachy keen – mainly because I won’t be listening.

All the best,

John

One of my friends posted this question on Facebook: “What’s wrong with people?”

I’m sure there are countless answers but if I had to sum it up in a word it would be, “Conditioning.”

You learned whatever is “right” or “wrong” with you somewhere and, by and large, it was learned at the knee of the people who helped shape you.

I initially laughed but was then saddened by the video clip that follows. (WARNING: NSFW)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vNoR4Yb4Gc

It involves two women who get into a fist fight in an Indiana Walmart over who knows what. The one woman has her 5 year old son with her. What she encourages him to do to the other woman was long-conditioned into him before this incident. That’s the sad part.

I have little doubt this child will carry these attitudes forward. And if we fast forward into the future, I suspect someone else will be asking “What’s wrong with people?” in an incident regarding him.

Many people defend their conditioning, not recognizing it’s not working for them.

It’s only when you begin to recognize what’s not working, that change has a chance of happening.

I have no doubt this woman is telling anyone who will listen that she’s a “good” mother. That’s a defense that will keep her conditioning in place and have her continue to pass it on to the impressionable minds she influences.

This isn’t about the women in Walmart; it’s about us. How much of our conditioning are we defending that isn’t working causing people to ask what’s wrong with us?

When we begin to recognize and address that, then we won’t be getting in fights in the conditioner aisle of our local Walmart.

All the best,

John

This post could easily be entitled FOR MEN ONLY because it’s about one of the things we men do that rarely works.

I don’t believe there’s a man alive who’s been in a male-female relationship that hasn’t experienced this phenomenon.

Your female partner says something aloud that’s troubling her. It could be anywhere between mundane and serious and our response is the same: We go into problem solving mode.

Even after years and years of this scenario playing out, we don’t get it.

The Grasshopper got it and gave it to me the other day: “They don’t want you to solve their problem; they just want to sound it out.”

They just want to get what’s running around in their head on an external speaker and hear what it sounds like outside their head.

“Sounding it out” is like writing their problem out on paper so they can explore what options are available. They really want to solve the problem themselves. We were just privy to what was supposed to be a private experience and we mistook it for and S.O.S.

We then reach for our tool belt and go into “fix it” mode, when all they wanted to do was unload.

“Hunter and Protector’ may be in a man’s DNA but it doesn’t mean we have to always “Save the Day.”

Unless they ask for our help, don’t assume they want it.

People are not helpless. We all have internal resources to call upon to address and assuage our troubles. We just have to be given an opportunity to use them.

If you’re a parent, you know there comes a time to back off and let your child solve their own problems. This gives them experience in coming up with their own resources when you’re not around to make everything better.

We men, especially, haven’t fully learned that lesson when it comes to our female partners.

I’m not an expert on relationships but this much seems like a pretty sure bet: If you think they’re looking to you for an answer, you’re all wet.

All the best,

John

I came across a phrase that jumped out at me from the book THE CALM CENTER by Steve Taylor: “Thought related pain.”

It occurred to me that all suffering is thought related pain. We all know what physical pain is: it’s felt in our body. We may not be aware that most pain we suffer is thought related.

The mental pain we experience begins with a thought and is sustained by thought.

When we are in emotional pain, its generator is thought.

We’re not going to stop thinking anytime soon, but we can begin to start noticing more. Noticing our thoughts, while they are happening, short circuits them and stops them from elongating thought related pain.

Notice that thought keeps mental pain alive. Then notice your thoughts. Just by observing your thoughts, you alleviate your suffering, which is thought related pain.

Observe your mind at work as a bystander vs. being a participant in the thought process, and you’ll open a drain for your pain.

Medication may take away your physical pain, but only you can end the suffering by noticing thought related pain.

All the best,

John

I was texting with a friend yesterday when the Grasshopper joined the texting generation and keystroked, “Bitterness knows no boundaries.”

It seems bitterness is painted with a wide brush. When you’re bitter, you cover everyone you come in contact with, with one coat.

We don’t seem to have any filters when we’re bitter. We curse around saints and sinners alike.

Bitterness is a form of anger, and like its twin emotion, it harms you more than it does those to whom you direct it.

We seem to think by spreading it around that we will be less affected by it. That’s another big lie we’ve been conditioned into.

Like any emotion, it’s better to bring presence to bitterness. That means to notice where the sensation of bitterness shows up in your body and just sit with it. Don’t attempt to chase it away or assign it a cause – just notice it and feel it. That’s when transmutation happens.

I think of transmutation as laundering your emotions. The washing away happens when we notice the dirt and choose to pay attention to it, without blaming a cause. What does it matter that a unicorn threw up on you? The only thing that matters is getting clean.

Bitterness will not go away with time; it needs your time and attention to get it to wash away.

If you’re tired of being bitter and experiencing the havoc it’s causing you, schedule a laundry day and start washing bitterness away.

All the best,

John