Here is the recorded version of the Grasshopper Note for the week of 02-01-21.
Read the written version here.
Make sure to download a FREE copy of my ebook: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change here.
For most of my people helping career I’ve been privy to how limiting it is to tell your story (tale of woe) over and over again. Each time we tell it, we justify our “stuckness” and simply can’t move forward. I wrote about the “powerlessness” of this type of story telling in my book: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change. It starts on page 76. Download a FREE copy of it here.
What I didn’t include in the book is the underlying reason people continue to tell their story even when they find out how doing so limits them. They’ve never had their feelings fully validated regarding their story. People and counselors may have patiently and sympathetically listened to them and even offered a shoulder to cry on and/or a strategy to move them forward. But we often miss the most important piece when on the receiving end of someone’s story: validating their feelings.
What story tellers really want to express is how much they’re still hurting, even if their story is from long ago. We need to do more than listen and advise. We have to elucidate and validate how much it still hurts. What they want to say is, “You have no idea how much this hurts me.”
When that hidden hurt is expressed, it acts as a release valve for those stored sensations.
Story teliing alone just reiterates the facts and it’s not the facts that continue to hurt us; it’s the unexpressed or unvalidated feelings.
The story teller believes that if they tell the story just one more time, that will be the salve for their wounds. That never works. What does work is finding out how much it still hurts. That’s how we validate.
I wrote about validation a few years ago when I did a post on customer service. When you receive a complaint about your product or service, the first words that are most useful to use are, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” It acts as a valadation not a refutation of their complaint.
I’m also reminded of a story an insurance agent told years ago. He said that in medical malpractice suits, the agreived party will settle for less money if they receive an apology from the physician or surgeon. They want validation more than remuneration.
The remedy to move forward is still the same, leave your story in the past. That becomes an easier task when we finally tell the full story validating the feelings that have been fueling it for all these years.
All the best,
John
Listen to the recorded version.
Make sure to download a FREE copy of my ebook: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change here.
“Getting caught up in facts and figures leads to a lack of imagination.“ So uttered The Grasshopper on Sunday.
There’s a lot to unpack in his brief statement. Facts and figures usually serve as our bread and butter strategies for coming up with solutions. That falls under the broad catagory of “figuring it out.”
But when that strategy fails, we go looking for more facts and figures and we head down a rabbit hole of additional information that may make us more informed, but less likely to solve our ridddle.
The Grasshopper reminded us years ago that when the odds are 50-50, even science goes out the window. That’s where imagination comes in.
When you get caught up in facts and figures and you feel you’re getting nowhere, it’s time to employ the magic words that spark imagination: “What if.”
Years ago, I learned a phrase in my NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) training that has gotten me and many clients off the trail to nowhere. When someone would say, “I just can’t do that,” I would respond with, “What if you could?” followed quickly by “What would you do?”
“What if” gets you out of the certainty of facts and figures and into the land of possibility by engaging your imagination.
That’s why Zen Buddhism uses koans in their teachings. A koan is a paradoxical anecdote or riddle used to demonstrate the inadequacy of logical reasoning and to provoke enlightenment. A modern day koan I remember is, “If your knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?” Good luck figuring that out.
“What if” gets you off of facts and figures and into a frame of mind where they’re not allowed: Imagination.
What if you put this imagination inducing strategy into your kit and brought it out from time to time? It will take you out of hardened concrete thinking and into the creative realm of the sublime.
All the best,
John
Listen to the recorded version.
Make sure to download a FREE copy of my ebook: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change here.
Here is the recorded version of the Grasshopper Note for the week of 01-25-21.
Read the written version here.
Make sure to download a FREE copy of my ebook: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change here.
Here is the recorded version of the Grasshopper Note for the week of 01-18-21.
Read the written version here.
Make sure to download a FREE copy of my ebook: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change here.
Seeing as it’s “Flashback Friday,” here’s something I wrote 8 years ago. Its message is timeless.
I was knocked over by a pound of feathers last night when I got the idea that beliefs are myths, with one notable exception.
I looked up the definition of myth and found this: A widely held but false belief.
How many beliefs do we own that we have no evidence for? They’re myths – ones that we believe in.
This doesn’t mean that beliefs aren’t useful; just mythical.
I did note one exception. What’s the one thing you can believe in that’s not a myth? The answer is reality – what’s actually happening, not what you believe is happening.
“Reality is not a Myth” is a bumper sticker that sticks forever, not just until a new belief comes along.
For example, how many of us believe in the notion of positive thinking? That’s one of the biggest myths ever perpetrated on mankind. Thinking positive does nothing to change reality. It may make you feel better about a reality that you’re dealing with, but it’s a myth to believe it changes anything.
People will emphatically cite examples of when they thought positive and something “good” happened. They conveniently ignore all the times they thought positive and something not so good happened. To credit positive results to positive thinking ignores the “odds of reality.”
I prefer positive thoughts to negative thoughts because they make me feel better, but believing they change anything other than our demeanor is a myth.
I could go on and on and slay more mythical, sacred cows, but it’s not my intention to set up endless debates with firm believers. My intent is to have us examine our myths.
Most of them are harmless, but there are some that impede our progress. They’re worth looking into. A simple test to find a limiting myth is to find a belief that you have that isn’t working for you. You won’t have to look far. And you don’t have to stand up on a soapbox and announce that it isn’t working to the world, just admit it to yourself.
In that moment of admission you will discover reality – the biggest myth buster of them all. Reality takes off the blinders and lets you see the whole landscape. It’s from this vantage point you can make a choice as to which way to go rather than be limited by the maze of myth.
Final thought: The following is not a myth: Reality is something you can believe in!
All the best,
John
Listen to the recorded version.
Make sure to download a FREE copy of my ebook: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change here.
The Grasshopper visited with this thought yesterday: “Thoughts are visitors, not tenants.”
If an uninvited thought pops up in your mind, you grant it squatter’s rights if you treat it as anything other than a visitor. When these type of thoughts become tenants, they become harder to evict.
Years ago, I recognized that these thoughts are begging for attention. So, I decided to notice them and give them their say – once. After the thought was expressed in my head, I would say, “thanks for visiting.” It did two things:
1. Acknowledged its existence.
2. Politely showed it the door.
I didn’t engage with the thought with counter thoughts; I just acknowledged its presence. If you engage in an internal argument with a thought, it just hangs around longer and starts measuring for drapes.
Sidebar: Have you ever won an argument with your mind?
The number of negative feelings caused by nagging thoughts are too many to mention, so I’ll just pick one as an illustration: Guilt.
What causes guilt other than an unwanted, lingering, thought?
If you want to prevent a self-destructive emotion like guilt from taking up residence in your mind, show it the welcome mat and then thank it for stopping by.
You may have to thank it multiple times for it to take the hint and head for the door, but the thought will leave quicker if you choose not to bicker.
All the best,
John
Listen to the recorded version.
Make sure to download a FREE copy of my ebook: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change here.
One of our collective shortcomings is this: We are so invested in our “I-ness” that we are blinded to the ever-present fact that we are all connected. There is an animating life force that infuses us all. It’s the same in all of us. When that force departs and goes wherever it goes, “I” no longer exists.
Yes, we all have an individual identity and our differences define us as unique personalities. That fact does not divorce us from the collective “We.” We are inseparably one. Think of our “we-ness” as being the sun and our individuality as being its rays.
Losing sight of “We” often causes us to demean, discount, or do harm to others. When we buy into the separateness of “I,” it’s like putting a bomb on an airplane we’re a passenger on. We also destroy ourselves in the process.
The narcissism of “I” gets us to turn a blind eye to “We,” and drives a wedge between you and me.
Every religion I’m aware of preaches some version of “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” It would behoove us all to revisit our holy books and bone up on that teaching. Otherwise, you and me may never return to “We.”
All the best,
John
Listen to the recorded version.
Make sure to download a FREE copy of my ebook: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change here.
Here is the recorded version of the Grasshopper Note for the week of 01-11-21.
Read the written version here.
Make sure to download a FREE copy of my ebook: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change here.
I’m sure you remember learning how to diagram a sentence in elementary school. Remember “Subject,” “Verb,” “Object”?
We learned they are separate entities. Now, that may be true in the world of diagraming sentences but it’s not the case with peace of mind.
To attain peace of mind, the subject and object are required to be one and the same.
Here’s a little experiment you can do that leads to the quieting of your mind. Pick out any living thing in your environment. It could be a person, an animal, a tree, flower, or a plant. You, in this scenario, are the subject and the other living thing in your environment is the object. And like they say in golf, the objective is to “be the ball.” This exercise is designed to blend yourself into the object. That means to imagine you are no longer separate entities, but you are now one.
Doing this simple mental exercise gives you first hand experience with the serenity known as peace of mind. You discover the magic feeling of everything being one. No room for separateness; no room for dichotomies or differences – just the united bliss of all things being connected.
This is something you can do anytime to clear your head when you find yourself bound up with your thoughts. It takes less than a minute to do and the peace it delivers calms you.
To create peace of mind, take the pieces – subject and object – and unite them so you can’t tell one from the other. Hey, you may never like diagramming sentences but you will become a peace of mind lover.
All the best,
John
Listen to the recorded version.
Make sure to download a FREE copy of my ebook: INTER RUPTION: The Magic Key To Lasting Change here.