Here is an observation from exactly 5 years ago:

The prevailing myth surrounding acceptance is that you can will it to happen. You can’t.

Acceptance has nothing to do with setting your mind and all to do with opening your heart.

I’ve likened acceptance to the Christian concept of Grace in the past. You can’t will Grace to come to you, only open yourself up to it being possible. The same is true for acceptance.

You can certainly give lip service and say you accept something, but that act of will doesn’t deliver the feeling of acceptance.

What does acceptance feel like? The same question has been asked about love over the centuries. It’s different for everyone, but everyone who experiences it knows it instantly.

If you are wrestling with the concept of acceptance in your mind, you are not experiencing acceptance. “I know I should accept this but I just can’t.” As The Grasshopper reminded us just a while ago, “Should is evidence that there is an argument going on in your mind.” Arguing and acceptance both begin with the letter “A” but that’s their only similarity.

If you are arguing for acceptance, you are arguing for your limitations. Truth be told, you don’t have the conscious ability to accept. Your consciousness can set the process in motion by being willing to experience acceptance should you encounter it, but that’s all you can do with your will.

Acceptance will come when it comes and not a moment sooner, no matter how much you attempt to will it to happen. Willingness is the softer side of will and when you employ it, you have a much better chance of acceptance responding to your invitation.

“I am willing to accept” is a more useful mantra than a declaration of will that states, “I will accept things as they come.” No you won’t; you’ll resist them, and anything you resist always takes longer to happen.

If you are struggling with acceptance, end the argument now. Just be willing to accept acceptance. Willingness is a lure; will is a cement wall.

Are you willing to give up arguing for something that can’t be argued for? When you are, you free yourself from The Acceptance Myth.

All the best,

John

Some people can’t apologize or, more to the point, don’t apologize.

But this isn’t about them; it’s more about the rest of us and the healing property of an apology.

When we seek an apology, we’re looking for something. It’s truly not about wanting the person to wear sack cloth for their deed. What we really want is acknowledgement.

What do we want acknowledged? The recognition of how deeply we were hurt by their actions.

The reason some people don’t apologize is because, in doing so, they think they’re saying they’re sorry for what they did. Chances are good that they are quite OK with their actions and feel they would be insincere in apologizing for them.

The apology, in this case, has to be about the hurt they left in their wake.

“I’m sorry I hurt you so badly” is a healing phrase. It doesn’t mean the person is sorry about their action. It means they’re acknowledging the effect it had on you.

I’m as certain as one can be that this is what’s wanted from an apology.

I read a study that doctors got sued less when they offered an apology to the person who wasn’t helped by their procedure or prescription. Instead of offering some form of, “the operation was a success but the patient died,” they offer condolences for the effect it had on you. Phrases like “I’m sorry I couldn’t save them” or “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you” not only helped foster healing, but kept their insurance premiums from going through the ceiling.

Healing can more easily begin when we receive acknowledgement for our hurt. Pure and simple, that’s why apologies are necessary.

All the best,

John

I’m always hesitant to make a bold, all encompassing assertion but I think I’m on solid ground when I claim that “Everyone’s Prejudiced.” It’s just a matter of degrees.

There’s all sorts of prejudice: cultural, political, racial, religious, social, etc.

The stunning reality is that a person displaying prejudice doesn’t think they’re prejudiced. I recently read an interview with a couple in their late 60s from Johnstown, Pennsylvania. They were portrayed as church going, solid citizens of their community. But these salt of the earth, devout folks referred to the National Football League (NFL) as “Niggers for Life.”

As offensive as that characterization is to me, I’m sure these folks don’t believe they’re prejudiced. I’ll bet, if asked, they would make countless rationalizations to prove they’re not prejudiced, none of which would convince you or me.

But I’m just as prejudiced on other topics as they are about the NFL. I think that recognizing your prejudice to something is the first step in outgrowing that prejudice. Prejudging is the broad brush of prejudice. We prejudge by our conditioning. (Think Hatfields and McCoys).

When we decide something is going to be a certain way before we get there, we’ve prejudged. It may be prudent to anticipate what may await you, but if you’re married to your position, nothing productive will come out of your interaction.

Notice your penchant to prejudge and then notice your preconceptions each time they raise their intolerant heads.

When you recognize that your position is rooted in prejudice, you begin to dilute your conditioning and start taking things on face value, not judging with the false face of prejudice.

All the best,

John

I’m about to interrupt your day with a post from 7 years ago.

It occurs to me that our lives contain countless interruptions, so much so that they’re a part of life.

For example, just about every phone call you receive is an interruption of what you were doing before the phone rang.

Anytime someone unexpectedly walks into your cubicle, office or the room you’re in and seeks your attention, it’s an interruption.

The same is true for countless emails and texts.

And if you want to really know about interruptions, talk to the mother of small children.

Interruptions happen everywhere – in the supermarket, on a bus or train or plane. They even happen when a stranger says, “Good morning.”

I believe I’m speaking for more than myself when I say the word “Interruption” has a negative connotation.

I wonder what would happen if we redefined the word “interruption” and made it a synonym for “Opportunity.”

It would be an opportunity for us to experience life in a new way.

Interruptions are life’s way of tapping us on the shoulder and alerting us to new opportunities.

I realize this notion could be taken a bit far, especially if you decided to listen to the entire pitch of every telemarketer, even the recorded ones.

But many interruptions can be opportunities to reset ourselves to neutral and notice what the interruption has to offer.

Often we half listen to the interrupter as we attempt to continue doing what we were doing before they sought our attention. That scatters focus and waters down results.

I’m curious what would happen if we got in the practice of giving our full attention to an interruption.

My guess is, more often than not, we would be staring opportunity in the face.

All the best,

John

Here’s a post from 4 years ago that’s worth getting curious about.

Who hasn’t experienced humdrum? It’s a state of mind that keeps us humming the same tune. Is there a cure? Yes, I’m happy to report that there is.

The remedy arrives by adding four more syllables to the word “Cure.”

Cure then becomes curiosity.

Humdrum put down roots and settled in the day we stopped getting curious.

You don’t have to roust humdrum from your mind; it will leave on its own volition when you get curious.

Did curiosity really kill the cat or was it just the catalyst to kill off a dull existence?

Find out for yourself by getting curious.

What you will find is that curiosity opens your mind to options. Those options often lead to passion for something that was lying dormant under the doormat of humdrum.

The cure is to get curious.

Start to wonder about things to get curious about and act on what you come up with.

Curiosity also engages your creativity. How curious are you about what creations you can come up with? New possibilities become more probable when curiosity becomes your mindset of choice.

There is nothing to buy and no 7-step plan you need to follow. Just decide to get curious and discover the cure for humdrum.

All the best,

John

For me, finding out what’s wrong with someone is easy. Finding out what’s right with them is a much harder row for me to hoe.

Assessing the problem comes like breathing to me. Offering the solution often has me wasting my breath.

It’s not that my remedy won’t work. It’s extremely prescriptive. The problem is the person is not in the frame of mind to receive it, mainly because, in some way, I’ve communicated they’re inferior for having the problem.

I remember having difficulty warming up to the NLP concept of “the meaning of the communication is the response that you get.” I was caught up in the mindset of “the meaning is the meaning,” meaning I was hemmed in by the facts.

People were not responding to my facts and I wasn’t noticing.

I’m sure there are others like me. Perhaps we can form a group called “Flaw Finders.” We can sit around and tell each other what’s wrong with the world, but the world will keep spinning away from our assessments.

Here’s a life lesson that I’m in the process of learning: “Tough Love” is a tool in the toolbox; not a way of life.

Quickly reading a situation is a powerful skill to own, but it will own you if you don’t make allowances for the foibles of humanity. We all have them but some of us have difficulty owning our own. When you come from a position of “on high,” you’ll have a low rate of getting through.

All the best,

John

When you hear yourself or someone else say “All,” you are encountering an opinion. The person uttering “All” believes they’re stating a fact.

When I took NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) training I learned you can challenge words like “All,” “Every” and “Never.” The recommendation is to respond with a question mark after the word: All? Every? Never?

The purpose of the challenge is to show that the hard assertion has holes in it. It helps people move from “Solid” positions to porous ones that give them more options.

Monitor your use of these words and discover that your Rock of Gibraltar is more like a sand castle.

Reminds me of a story . . . One of the radio commercials our company runs features a person who refers to himself as an “Ex-Marine.” Over the years, I have received a handful of complaints about the man using the term. Here’s a word-for-word example: “Your ads on the radio are fake. One guy says he is an ex-Marine. No Marine would ever use that term. There are Marines and former Marines.”

Notice the word “No” – a second cousin to “All” – is an opinion, not a fact. The facts are that both the person offering the unsolicited testimonial and the person who recorded him were both members of the Marine Corp. Neither Marine had a problem with the term.

I have no doubt that there are Marines who agree with the complaining email about the use of the term “Ex-Marine.” What the passionate complainer doesn’t recognize is the fallacy of “All” and how it limits his options.

My experience is that compromise with an “All-er” is difficult, but not impossible. If you can help someone recognize they are expressing an opinion vs. stating a universal truth, your chances for compromise expand.

Years ago, I heard this observation: The more flexible you are, the more options you have. The rub is this: If you have ALL the answers, there are no more options.

All the best,

John