Some people can’t apologize or, more to the point, don’t apologize.

But this isn’t about them; it’s more about the rest of us and the healing property of an apology.

When we seek an apology, we’re looking for something. It’s truly not about wanting the person to wear sack cloth for their deed. What we really want is acknowledgement.

What do we want acknowledged? The recognition of how deeply we were hurt by their actions.

The reason some people don’t apologize is because, in doing so, they think they’re saying they’re sorry for what they did. Chances are good that they are quite OK with their actions and feel they would be insincere in apologizing for them.

The apology, in this case, has to be about the hurt they left in their wake.

“I’m sorry I hurt you so badly” is a healing phrase. It doesn’t mean the person is sorry about their action. It means they’re acknowledging the effect it had on you.

I’m as certain as one can be that this is what’s wanted from an apology.

I read a study that doctors got sued less when they offered an apology to the person who wasn’t helped by their procedure or prescription. Instead of offering some form of, “the operation was a success but the patient died,” they offer condolences for the effect it had on you. Phrases like “I’m sorry I couldn’t save them” or “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you” not only helped foster healing, but kept their insurance premiums from going through the ceiling.

Healing can more easily begin when we receive acknowledgement for our hurt. Pure and simple, that’s why apologies are necessary.

All the best,

John