It’s become pretty clear to me that to move forward we need a very tasty carrot dangling on a string in front of us.

It may be a carrot of necessity or desire but it has to be there or we won’t get there.

It has to be something compelling, otherwise we remain in dwelling.

We have too many goals that are in the “nice to have” category. If they don’t move into the “if I don’t get that, I won’t be able to breathe” classification, we remain in place.

We may set a goal and execute a plan to achieve it, but if our objective doesn’t have the yummy carrot quality, we’ll lack the juice to make it happen.

How many things are on your list that have been on your list for decades? Here’s a clue: They’re not going to happen for you.

Your list of desires has to get real. That means you have to pare it down to only the things that contain zeal, otherwise they are just placeholders for perfunctory.

If it doesn’t excite you, get it off your list or you’ll never get off your ass to do it.

This isn’t your “to-do” list to which I refer; it’s the list that fervor has been waiting for.

Find your carrot and you’ll stop stringing yourself along. Remember this: If it doesn’t have passion, it’s a bucket list of do-do that will die before you do.

All the best,

John

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I’m sure I’ve written about acknowledgement before, but I feel the need to revisit it again.

We are all looking for acknowledgement. If you don’t believe that, why do you feel upset when the supermarket checkout person, whom you don’t know, carries on a conversation with a co-worker while checking you out and completely ignores you, except to announce the amount you owe?

You feel invisible and inconsequential when unacknowledged.

You may not be able to do anything about another’s lack of acknowledgement, but you can certainly make sure it’s part of your package.

When someone does something for you, acknowledge it. The staples of “please and thank you” are a start. Good manners don’t have to be a thing of the past if you remember to keep them present.

Acknowledging someone else is acknowledging yourself. It’s a self affirming action that lets you know you both are part of a special club – the human race. Acknowledging someone else or their actions also makes you feel good. It’s a win-win.

It takes energy to exclude others; it adds energy when you include them.

A lack of acknowledgement is often not deliberate. Our sensory acuity may be so focused on us that we don’t recognize another. That impoverishes both of you.

Take time to notice people who come into your sphere and acknowledge them. It doesn’t take much – a head nod, a smile, etc – to let them know they exist in your world. Take time to acknowledge peoples’ questions or kindnesses. Again, it will also make you feel good.

It’s easy to practice. People are everywhere and we’re all seeking acknowledgement. Make it a practice to start noticing others and notice how good it makes you feel too.

All the best,

John

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I was at my oldest son’s house for dinner over the weekend and we were talking about new paths.

There seemed to be a formula for new paths that emerged from the conversation.

1. Recognize the path you’re on isn’t working.

2. Take a step in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable direction.

It seems like a straight forward strategy but there are fits and starts especially with Step 2.

We have been conditioned that change should be easy and it’s not. It takes attention and methodical work, work that doesn’t immediately seem to pay off. It’s the fairy tale of easy that causes bursts and busts with our new regime.

We become like the person who plants a seed in the ground and wants to dig it up the next day to see if it’s sprouting. When we don’t see any new growth, we get frustrated and dismiss our new path as unworkable.

That gets us back walking the old, yet comfortable path again.

If you want to walk a new path, you have to become familiar with experiencing the uncomfortable. It’s the discomfort that signals you are walking a new path. It seems like an oxymoron but you have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable for a much longer period than you are currently used to.

I won’t say that discomfort has to become your friend, just your temporary ally. I can’t tell you how long it will take for you to become comfortable walking a new path, I only know that it needs your undivided attention for you to be successful.

Building new paths is not a part-time job. It has to be a mission to achieve fruition.

“Presto Path” and “Abracadabra Avenue” are covered with fairy dust and magic wands that the winds of change cannot blow away. You have to step off onto a new path for the real magic of change to happen.

I applaud anyone who takes the first step; you will applaud yourself when your new path is covered with your footprints.

All the best,

John

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“The devil is in the details,” said Anonymous. Side note: When someone asks me what person, living or dead, I would like to have dinner with, I’m going to respond, “Anonymous,” because Anonymous said the best stuff.

I was struck last night with how much attention to detail is escaping from the culture. I was out celebrating my birthday at a “Fancy Dan” restaurant. This place is not cheap. Perhaps my noticing a lack of detail from our waiter stemmed from my mother having been a long time waitress, but regardless of the origin, “Tom” must have left his glasses home.

I won’t list all the oversights that he made because that’s not the point of the story. All I will say is that his lack of attention to detail doesn’t warrant him serving in his position. The bus person, his understudy, had enough attention for the entire restaurant.

“Going through the moves” has moved up the ladder in our society to become the norm rather than the exception. When did we stop giving attention to what we do? It’s a pandemic and the only cure is attention.

This goes way past getting mediocre service at a restaurant. The example that sticks most in my mind was the space shuttle Challenger disaster in 1986. The cause of the death and destruction was faulty “O” rings. Someone didn’t pay attention when they were making and inspecting the “O” rings.

I could cite many more major lacks of attention to detail in our society since then, but I’m sure you have your own examples.

What is not considered when ignoring the details is the reverberating effect it has down the line. Reminds me off a story . . .

I worked at a radio station in the 70s that had the worst receptionist I ever worked with. I wondered why they continued to let her stay in that position. She was snarly and rude on the phone and outright dismissive in person. I will admit that she was rather cute and suspected that’s why she was hired.

No one paid attention to the lack of attention she paid to her job. She was the first impression someone calling or visiting our station was left with, and, aside from her looks, she was less than impressive.

Apparently the rubber hit the road the day she didn’t give attention to a message she had taken for our general manager from our biggest client – a huge car dealership. The important message never got passed on and the car dealer cancelled all his advertising and vowed never to return. She was fired that day and, to this day, that car dealer doesn’t do business with that station.

This is a mini-rant on lack of attention that I hope captures your attention, because if it continues at its current pace, it’s a race to the bottom.

We can all pay more attention to the details in our little corner of the world. It makes for smoother experiences and it would make Anonymous proud.

All the best,

John

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I would like to lobby for less use of the word “mistake.” It seems to me that we too often mistakenly use the word when we offer it as a justification or a half-baked apology.

“It was a mistake for me to embezzle from the retirement fund.” It wasn’t a mistake; it was a deliberate action.

“It was a mistake for me to have an affair.” No, it was on purpose.

It will probably never catch on but how about this as a substitute: “I made a reality.” It’s probably not “bumper sticker worthy” but it certainly suggests more responsibility than mistake does.

Ask any prosecutor how many times they’ve heard a version of this at a sentencing hearing: “Your honor, I’ve made a number of mistakes that I am truly sorry for and am seeking the court’s mercy.” You never hear, “Your honor, I am truly sorry for stabbing three people to death and am seeking the court’s mercy.”

It’s a mistake to categorize deliberate deeds as mistakes. If you’re doing it, stop it now. Every time you do so, you appear just as evasive as the politician who won’t answer a direct question.

You may be embarrassed by your actions but calling them mistakes is an embarrassment to reality.

Don’t ever apologize if you don’t mean it, and avoid using the word “mistake” in an apology, unless you accidentally overcharged a customer and are now making restitution.

Mistakes aren’t deliberate. And make no mistake, when you use the word seeking absolution for a deliberate action, you truly are mistaken.

All the best,

John

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You have a friend, family member or co-worker whose alcohol use is interfering with the quality of their life. Sadly, we all do.

The problem is pervasive and, from my experience, it’s nothing we can solve for them. The solution has to come from them.

The biggest problem we run into when attempting to assist is their denial. Denial takes on many disguises but it’s the same wolf behind the sheep’s mask in every case.

I get asked quite often if hypnosis can help people with alcohol “issues.” (“Issues” is the euphemism they use when inquiring). The answer I give is the same one I learned from my late mentor Dr. Dave Dobson. He said that denial had to be dealt with before he would even attempt to help.

There are organizations that specialize in getting people past denial but most people affected by alcohol won’t seek out their help. Their denial keeps them from admitting they are abusing alcohol, but there is no denying that alcohol is abusing them. Ask anyone around them, but them.

Here’s something you can take to the bank. If you’ve been told by multiple people that you have a problem with alcohol, you have a problem. These multiple sources usually consist of family members, friends or physicians. Too often their warnings are rationalized and dismissed and denial wins again, and you continue to lose.

So, how can you help someone take a look at their denial from another angle? Ask them to ponder this question in their quiet time: In your life, does alcohol add or subtract?

This is not an “in your face” question that you are demanding an answer to. In fact, you don’t want them to give you an answer; you only want them to reflect on the question.

The question has them focus on arithmetic instead of “issues.”

I don’t present this as a cure, only as a vehicle to get someone more curious.

When they do the arithmetic, there is a better chance for their denial to erode and make it easier for them to move towards a solution. No matter whose math they use, the numbers will add up to subtraction. There’s no denying that.

You can tell someone alcohol is subtracting from their life but they won’t hear you if you’re doing the math. It’s an equation they have to solve on their own.

You don’t have to be a numbers whiz to come up with an answer. You only need the willingness to ask yourself the question.

Bottoms up: Is it your lifestyle, a new yoga move, or something you’ve outgrown? Do the math and find out for yourself.

All the best,

John

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How do you know you are alive? Seems like a pretty easy question to answer. “I’m breathing; therefore I’m alive” seems to answer it nicely. Or does it?

There is a difference between existing and aliveness and when I feel the distinction, I know I’m alive.

When are you alive the most? I just had an experience yesterday that speaks to this. I was meeting with a vendor who was helping me with some items for a home improvement project. I was really getting juiced as I began to see the project coming together. I could actually feel the aliveness in me. It was more than excitement or anticipation; I could actually feel it as though it was happening in that moment. It wasn’t potential any more; it was alive now.

The telltale after sign of aliveness came on my ride home. I hadn’t eaten anything so far this day and had spent hours with the vendor. I came to realize that I was genuinely hungry. Not the “it’s lunchtime, so I should eat” hunger, but a genuine signal from my body that I hadn’t eaten. Aliveness will dispel conditioning that usually keeps it from happening.

When you are going through your conditioned routines, you probably aren’t feeling alive. The good news is you don’t have to have an event to trigger your aliveness like I had yesterday. Aliveness is always present. All we have to do is take the time to acknowledge its existence by taking time to feel it.

How do you feel your aliveness? Here’s a simple exercise: Just notice what sort of sensations are going on in your hands right now. Just put your attention on your hands and feel what you feel. There is an aliveness in your hands that you’ve been ignoring while you go about your routines. It was there the whole time, but you had to make time to feel it. That’s the the key to feeling alive more often; make time to feel your aliveness. It’s in every part of your body at all times.

To paraphrase from my favorite poem*, The Children’s Hour by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow – “take a pause in the day’s occupations” and feel your aliveness. It’s there whenever you want it and it’s always ready to come out and play.

* It’s my favorite poem for two reasons:

1. It depicts the specialness of little children.

2. It’s the only poem I ever memorized.

All the best,

John

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There is a distinct difference between “it happened” and “it happened to me.” The latter contains personalization and that, alone, has the ability to cause more pain than what happened.

We personalize so many things that cause us harm. I can think of no better example than personalizing a disease or malady. “My arthritis,” “my migraines,” “my cancer” are just a few examples of how we bring on the pain of personalization.

Think about it, who wants to own a disease? The minute you label it as belonging to you, it’s as though you have taken in a stray cat – it’ll be there for all nine lives.

I’m not suggesting denial, just depersonalization. It won’t take away your disease but it will spare you the additional suffering that personalization brings.

In my free e-book – The Success Triangle – I write about a phrase I learned that lets us approach the concept of “My” from a different angle with a greater chance for our condition to abate. That phrase is “In the past.” Here is an excerpt:

Many people hold their state of health in place with words. The most destructive label is the word “My.” “My arthritis” won’t allow me to play tennis anymore. “My diabetes” leaves me with little energy. Two things that will give you more power immediately are:

1. Drop the word “My” from any disease process.

2. Apply “In the past” to any limitation you ascribe to the disease.

For example: “In the past, arthritis has kept me from playing tennis.” “In the past, diabetes has caused me to feel less energetic.”
“My” is a word, to which we’ve been conditioned, that means ownership. Who wants to own arthritis? I’m not suggesting this shift in language will make arthritis or diabetes disappear. What I’m suggesting is, if you refer to it “In the past” and remove the ownership, you may find your situation more palatable. Better yet, if there is a way your mind can help you ease or put this disease behind you, this new language will facilitate the process.

Back to “It happened to me.” The bumper sticker “Shit Happens” was not one of my favorites but it gave us a potent snapshot of reality. The car crash didn’t happen to you, it just happened. You just happened to be involved in the happening. The wind and rain on your wedding day didn’t happen to you, it just happened.

This phrasing “It happened” will not make the event go away or change it in any way. What it will do is keep its residual anguish from hanging around for an eternal stay.

We add to our pain when we continue to add “To me” to an event or situation. “To me” dramatizes and elongates our situation and the pain lingers on. It will be there long enough without us adding to its residency by adding “To me.”

I am not trivializing the severity of a happening, just pointing out a way forward when we get locked into the past.

It takes practice and courage to drop “My” or “To me” from our conditioned phrase library, and the effort will bring you more personal comfort.

All the best,

John

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I watched a video earlier this week of a person asking for help with their problem. They didn’t know what their problem was but presented all sorts of symptoms in hopes of getting an answer.

Here’s my experience in giving “answers”: They usually are not accepted when there is no room for them. The person may give lip service to what a spot-on remedy you’ve provided, but they will not, for any length of time, take the prescription.

The barring of the solution door is caused by self-absorption.

In my experience, the hardest people to help are those who are self-absorbed. That means that there is no room in them for anything or anyone else.

They’re not “bad” people – just singularly focused on keeping their attention on themselves. It’s as though no one else exists except as an obstacle or an inconvenience to their stated desires.

They are horrible in relationships because they have no room for anyone but them.

They don’t relate well because their attention only comes out as a convenience or a prop to get what they want. They just don’t freely give their attention away.

Attention is a human elixir and we all are seeking it. When your attention consistently stays in, you rob yourself of the exchange that is necessary for a bond to form. You can’t live on your own attention. The practice is limiting and it’s the cause of your often cited problems.

Don’t confuse lack of attention with selfishness. Many self-absorbed people will give out their services and skills freely but their attention stays locked in a vault.

Having relationship problems? Assess your attention. If you do an unbiased inspection, you will find that your attention stays home and only comes out as a quid pro quo.

It’s like the person who gives money to charity for a tax advantage rather than from the milk of human kindness.

Make a practice of giving your attention away to another for no good reason. Make room for them by giving them your attention with no strings attached and watch the bond strengthen.

When you make room for other ideas and other people, you become roomier and discover the ultimate secret of attention: When you send it out, it comes back.

All the best,

John

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I have never met anyone who hasn’t banged their head against the wall. It’s a universal occurrence and, for some, it’s an everyday event.

The old joke comes to mind.

Psychiatrist: “Why do you bang your head against the wall?

Patient: “Because it feels so good when I stop.”

Our mission is to stop because when we do, we feel better.

Some are really dyed-in-the-wool head bangers. Their skulls have gotten so thick with calluses that the message to stop has a hard time getting through. Reminds me of a story . . .

This past weekend I was online and searching for information on a boyhood friend. He drank more alcohol than any person I ever met. This habit caused him untold personal misery, not to mention to those around him. There was never a time, as an adult, that I didn’t see him on his way to being drunk, drunk or hung over. I haven’t seen him in 25 years and wondered if he even was still alive. To my surprise, there he was online in an orange jumpsuit serving a sentence for bail violation and DUI. Apparently, he’s been in and out of local jails numerous times just over the past few years all due to his brand of head banging – drinking.

This isn’t an essay on tea totaling; it’s more of an attempt to get us to notice our own habit of head banging and pursue the relief that stopping brings.

All head banging is purposeful. That means, at one time, it served a purpose. It solved a problem. Many young people start to smoke to be accepted by their peer group. Smoking does that for them. It also becomes an addictive habit. The purpose for smoking no longer consciously exists, but the purposeful pattern lingers on. Walls are broken and skulls are damaged.

It’s time to recognize our version of head banging and pursue the feeling that stopping brings. Many years ago best selling author, Harvey Diamond told me, “To get healthy, you have to return yourself to the conditions of health.”

The feeling is there just waiting for you. You just have to return yourself to the conditions that will allow it to come forth. In the case of head banging, the remedy is stopping.

Perhaps you need help. Seek it.

This posting is an attempt to get you to notice that you are banging your head against the wall, and to remind you that the universal remedy is stopping.

Return yourself to the conditions that existed before you began head banging, and it won’t be too long before you’re properly using your head.

All the best,

John

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