The strategy of the everyday convincer is like the opening line of a Beatles song, “Try and see it my way.”

That rarely works but is the most often used strategy.

The person who has the best chance of convincing is the person with the most flexibility. Using this gift, which is available to everyone, they have the foresight to step into your shoes and view the situation from your angle.

They give themselves the benefit of a panoramic view which offers many entry points, rather than one.

We all have positions that we take on something and we know how immobile we can be. Someone who takes us on directly engages our polarity and gets our fur up. We do the same to them when our only position is: “Try and see it my way.”

About 25 years ago, I learned a technique from Tony Robbins called The Agreement Frame. He asks you and another to debate a hot topic and to take one position. You go back and forth for a few minutes and then you switch sides. That means you argue the other side of the debate. You have to do this without the aid of the word “But” or any of its second cousins like, “However.”

It’s a pretty powerful exercise. Not only does it teach you flexibility, but the secret benefit is that you gain appreciation for the other side of the issue, simply because you adopted it as your own for just a few minutes.

One of life’s hardest truths to swallow is that there is another way besides yours. Like any major undertaking, it is best to break it down into bite sized chunks because, as I’m fond of saying, “You can’t eat a whole cow at once.”

Start with something that you are mildly married to. (Think of it as an arranged wedding). Now explore the counter position and create a narrative for it. Convince yourself that this is the only way it can be. Then go back to your regular position and convince yourself that it’s the only way to go. Keep going back and forth until you can boil down each argument into a trigger word or picture.

This is an exercise that Jerry Stocking offers to help people make decisions without having to consciously make them. After doing the back and forth to the point where you can switch sides in the blink of an eye, you find the magic of the exercise – the decision makes you. It may happen a day, week or month later, but your decision is totally congruent with no afterthoughts. You have convinced yourself.

So before you can convince anyone of anything, you have to convince yourself. That means that you have to employ flexibility and discover different arcs on the 360 degree circle of controversy and adopt them as your own.

Doing so gives you a fuller appreciation of the topic and, even more rewarding, more appreciation for another and their point of view.

Make it a point to convince yourself because the person with the most flexibility garners the most rewards.

All the best,

John

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Fall in New England is a spectacular sight. I’m reminded of the Froot Loops
cereal ads when I was a kid – “Cherry red, lemon yellow and orange orange.”

While walking through this color fest, I was also reminded of an old joke. “Have you heard of the Autumn Leaves Cocktail? Drink two of these and you change colors and fall down.”

It was the falling down part that struck me as I walked the dog yesterday. The phrase “One leaf, one life” popped into my head.

Like all living things, a leaf has a lifespan – birth, stages of life and death. It’s probably no coincidence that Halloween is filled with reminders of death, such as skeleton costumes and the like. It falls on a date when the leaves are just about done falling.

“One leaf, one life,” the phrase stuck with me.

There is nothing like death to get you focused on life. Perhaps it’s why many people call Fall their favorite season – falling reminders to live life to the fullest.

“One leaf, one life,” is a focusing phrase. It reminds us that we can only live one life. Even if you’re a believer in reincarnation, you can only live one life at any one time.

Nature is very instructive. It mirrors our lifespan to us – our “leaf-span” so to speak.

Somewhere we bought into the illusionary idea that life is a dress rehearsal and we don’t give life its proper respect. “One leaf, one life” brings reality back into focus.

Our life’s mission is to allow as much life into our one life as is possible. This is not the pseudo-life that is reflected in the beer ad that stated, “You only go around once in life, so grab all the gusto you can get.” That suggests that you have to go get life. You don’t. Many people spend their whole life chasing life instead of stopping to live it.

“One leaf, one life” is a reminder to start living life no matter what stage of it you are in.

There is only one life and it flows through every leaf.

It is hoped that you’ll find it before you fall down and they rake your leaf away.

All the best,

John

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I watched the message on my laptop screen and it read: “Windows is resuming.” A light bulb went off.

It dawned on me that a word I have used almost my entire life, “Resuming” had a richer, deeper meaning.

The way I interpreted “Resuming” was as the act of continuing. It’s so much more.

Before I get into another meaning for the word, let me discuss one of its opposites – “Pause.”

Have you put your life on pause? That means that you are waiting for something to happen before you allow yourself to live again. Some have called it “Limbo.”

It’s a place of inactivity where all you can do is wait, and wait. This is more than the patience of Job I’m referring to here; it’s the state of utter inactivity where nothing seems to add up. It’s very similar to the feeling of a teenager who wants to grow up, and is waiting for that day to come. Some wait a lifetime.

So if the opposite of pausing is resuming, what does that really mean?

If you break the rules of spelling for a moment, you can get another meaning for “Resuming.”

When you sum something, you add it with something else and get a result. When you don’t sum things up, you remain answerless.

So to get things off pause, you have to re-sum your life. That means that you re-sum the variables and set the stage to put action back into your life, because perpetual pause can do nothing to move you forward. Any perceived action associated with pause is the same action you expend treading water.

Re-summing, if you will, is the act of putting action back in your life that allows it to come off pause and resume.

How do you do that?

1. Recognize that you are on pause.
2. Make a movement in any direction, but move.

This is not the typical advice to “reinvent yourself.”

This is more geared towards taking stock of what you have and doing something with it. Re-sum your personal assets and do something with them.

An attic or basement filled with stuff you no longer use is begging for a yard sale or a visit to good will. Both require action.

To resume your life requires action. To grow up requires action. The first action is to notice that you’ve paused your own life and that you are the cause of your own Limbo. The second action is to re-sum what you have and take some sustained action.

Waiting has its place, but if that place is Limbo, you’ll be bending over backwards trying to get under the pearly gates.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper asked an interesting question this morning: “If you had no audience, what song would you sing for yourself?”

Which one would you choose for you?

This may not be the one you’d pick for Karaoke, but one that reveals your soul.

What’s the message in your song?

The more interesting thing about The Grasshopper’s question is that your song may not even be written yet.

Maybe it’s time for you to write a song especially for you – one that is so personally revealing that it unleashes your depth and reveals your unique character.

Your song may not reveal itself in song form; it may come out in different ways. What you can trust about “this way” is that it’s an original – something that needs to be expressed.

What song are you keeping hidden? What song do you need to sing?

Once you discover your song, singing becomes a way of life. The song sings you.

What were you put on this earth to sing?

The biggest mistake we can make is to believe we don’t have a song to sing.

If your only objective is to make the Top 10, you may never find your song. That entirely misses the point of singing, which is pure expression.

Your song wants to be heard.

If I can offer you one suggestion that will change your life, it would be this:

Sing your song!

All the best,

John

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One of the basic tenets of comedy is incongruity. That means the story line goes one way and then all of a sudden it shifts completely in the opposite direction. The punch line is incongruous to the story line and the resultant collision produces comedy.

Incongruity also produces sparks. When someone displays a behavior that goes 180 degrees opposite to their baseline behavior, something is colliding. Reminds me of a story . . .

I used to work with a sales manager who, for lack of a more detailed description, was a regular guy. He was a family man who coached little league and attended church on a fairly regular basis. His stories were about his kids, sports, TV shows that everybody watched, and you could set your watch by the schedule he kept – in early, last to leave. He was pretty congruent.

Then I noticed something different. This clean cut man in his late 30’s began growing a beard. When people asked about it, he said something like, “I like to grow one in the winter months.” I had worked with him for 3 years and didn’t notice any additional facial hair the previous two winters. This was incongruous.

I suspected something was up with this man and mentioned it to the general manager. He dismissed my observation until a week later when this now clean shaven man tendered his resignation to take a position elsewhere.

It’s my experience that incongruity indicates turmoil.

It’s easier to spot in someone else than it is in yourself but the pattern is the same.

Incongruity = Unrest.

The incongruity shows up before any awareness of it. It’s a leading indicator that something is brewing below decks.

Ask any observant hairdresser you know. They can predict that a regular customer is planning an affair/separation/divorce well before the person knows themselves. They act surprised when they officially hear the news, but part of them recognized the incongruent unrest well in advance.

Has part of your behavior shifted dramatically recently? It’s a sign.

If you don’t pay attention to the incongruity, it and its attendant unrest will stay with you much longer.

When you notice your own incongruity, you bring what’s hidden to the surface where it’s much easier to inspect. This inspection leads to a much quicker resolution and shortens the internal storm.

When you shine the light of awareness on the behavior, you begin the metabolization of unrest and resolve your conflict sooner.

It’s in your best interest to become aware of incongruity because sometimes it’s not a laughing matter.

All the best,

John

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I wrote a blog post the other day called “Answer The Question.” It was a piece about self inquiry. I followed my own advice and answered a question. The answer I got to my dilemma came in one word – “Ask.”

That seems like a simple enough directive and I knew the answer I received was on point. So now I had my solution and all I had to do was act on it. But asking brought up another dilemma – Fear.

Fear is the culprit as to why we don’t ask. We don’t ask because we fear the answer.

The answer is going to be the same whether we ask or not, but we fear hearing that answer so much that we don’t ask. (Think of a junior high school boy not asking the girl he wants to dance with).

Letting the question go unasked keeps the fear of the answer in place. As long as you have the question, you will have the fear of the answer.

The fear lurks as long as you pretend you know what the answer is and leave the question unasked.

The answer may very well be the one you fear hearing, but by asking, it’s no longer a perpetually painful ping-pong match in your mind. Getting a real answer delivers a clear cut reality that’s much easier to respond to.

Asking is an antidote to fear. Once you know the answer, the thing that you feared may have very well come upon you, but now you have the best chance of having an exit strategy for a long standing fear.

It’s really a choice. Do you want to live with the darkness of the fear forever or do you want to bring it out into the light of day and give it an opportunity to go away?

You can ask anything of anybody, but as long as you have a preference in what the answer needs to be, you will most likely not ask the question.

So here is the conundrum in a nutshell: We don’t ask because we fear the answer and we keep the fear in place by not asking.

Not asking keeps our illusion alive, as well as the fear that accompanies it.

Unasked questions are the breeding ground for false hope and fear. Both keep you paralyzed.

Get in the habit of asking. Start small and gather some experience and then move to the next level. What you’re really doing is inviting in the feeling of fear rather than keeping it in the front yard. From this close up vantage point, it’s not as menacing as what we imagine it to be when we keep it at arm’s length.

And in case it hasn’t become apparent yet, asking is also the only way to get the answer you do want.

All the best,

John

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What’s the best time to begin that Fall clean-up project?

NOW!

In fact, now is the only time you can begin anything.

Now is always a chance for a new beginning.

Action only happens now. Behavior only happens now. They can only be accomplished in the moment you’re in.

You can reminisce about actions you’ve taken or daydream about actions you will take, but the physical action itself can only begin in the moment you are in.

Action is synonymous with now.

The steps you take now will help you walk away from the missteps you took then. The action you take now is the only way to create a different future.

Now is life’s crossroads, its choice point.

Seeing as it’s always now, that means that every moment you are in is an opportunity to choose.

Planning is a wonderful tool to use, but too many of us use it as an excuse not to take action now.

Now is the only place you can physically be. Your body lives in the here and now. Your body is the part of you that takes action.

Your mind tries to live in a time that doesn’t exist – either past or future. Since your body physically can’t go along for the mental excursion, no action can take place.

You always are where your body is, and where your body is, is the only place where action happens. That place is now.

“What’s the best time to begin that Fall clean-up project?” Most answer that question with a mental musing rather than with an action. They once again ignore their freedom to choose and wind up with a future that looks like yesterday’s news.

Grab a rake now!

All the best,

John

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I was talking with my friend, Ned the other day and something just popped out in the conversation that I had never noticed before. Ned is writing a book and we were talking about the creative process and how different people tap into it.

I mentioned a popular writer who sets a time aside each day to write. He says that sometimes he gets a line or two and other times whole chapters. His technique is setting aside the time.

Then I mentioned a method that I use quite often. It’s the employment of opposites. It was a technique I learned from Jerry Stocking. I imagine that I have nothing to write and then I imagine the opposite – that I’m overflowing with ideas. Then I bring those opposite poles closer together and out of that combination comes an idea.

Then I mentioned a technique that I use that I really hadn’t given consideration to before. It’s something I do that I didn’t realize I did. Sometimes in the middle of writing something, a question will come up – one that I have no clue as to what the answer is. Then I just go and answer it. I have been astonished at what comes out of this process.

Oftentimes it’s a burst of creativity that I have nothing to do with. It just kind of writes itself. There is not any pondering involved. I ask the question and then trust that there’s a part of me that knows the answer and proceed to touch the keys on the keyboard.

This personal discovery reinforced the power of the question with me.

The watering down of this creative process is something we all do too much of – by thinking of the answer.

Thinking is the bane of creativity. One of the most memorable proverbs ever written is: “He who hesitates is lost.” You can easily substitute the word “thinks” into this phrase of wisdom and get the same result.

I’m not suggesting a snap judgement, just no judgement at all.

Ask yourself a question and then, without any thought, answer it. What comes out may surprise you AND get you unstuck.

Thinking keeps us stuck with the same thoughts. I’ve quoted him before but it bears re-mentioning here. Philosopher, Alan Watts said:

“If I think all the time, I won’t have anything to think about except my own thoughts. Now, that would leave me high and dry, and I would become like a library to which the only books being added were books about the books that were already in it.”

Discover the power of the question today by answering the question. The magic is in the action of answering, not the side road of diversion called thinking.

What you are likely to find are answers that were blocked by the limited view of the rational mind – answers that come from a place of all points of view unencumbered by thinking.

It’s a simple strategy that bears unexpected fruit – just answer the question!

All the best,

John

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In the past, I have not been a big fan of hope. I had it in the class of softer spoken snake oil. You may say that in the case of hope, I was hopeless.

That has changed for me as I begin to see hope in a different light. The light I can never see it in is the one where, because we have a specific thought in our head and really want it to happen, it will cause the result we are hoping for. That’s the couch potato’s daydream. There is no real effort in that hope and the odds of it happening are hopeless.

Then I discovered a brand of hope I could buy into. It’s certainly not the mainstream version, but now I can honestly say, “I have hope.”

Here’s my version in a nutshell: Hope is a mental framework from which to operate – nothing else. Therein lies its power.

It finally hit me that hope and optimism are identical twins when viewed from a specific angle. I already had this angle of view on optimism; all I had to do was transfer it to hope.

Optimism, for me, is not positive thinking. I believe that’s as fruitless as the garden variety hope.

Optimism is a strategy that produces measurable results – not necessarily the ones you were hoping for, but more than you get from positive thinking.

Here’s the rub: Hope and positive thinking have a specific result in mind. When you only have one option, your odds are severely diminished.

When you are optimistic, your tunnel vision goes away and you get to see more of the playing field. You are not optimistic for a specific outcome, you are just optimistic. Think of a quarterback. He calls a pass play in the huddle. Most pass plays have options. If the first receiver isn’t open, then he looks to the second, and then the third, and then the running back. If he’s locked in on one guy, he’ll miss seeing all the other options.

When you train yourself to be optimistic, you begin to see options that traditional hope and positive thinking miss. Their scope is too narrow.

The person who employs hope and positive thinking is really a pessimist. They are looking for something to chase their pessimism away. It may work for awhile, but pessimism is like a dog on a meat wagon. It’s coming back for more.

I’m not attempting to dash anyone’s hopes, just expand them.

Your chances of getting what you hope for increase when you let go of the specific outcome that must happen. Replace that specific desire with optimism.

Optimism creates possibilities; hope and positive thinking diminish them.

Optimism is a mindset where you trust your ability to respond to reality. This mindset creates a series of options. You let go of all trust and all the possibilities it presents when you pin all your hopes on one positive outcome.

Any woman who has ever had a list can appreciate what I’m talking about. The “list” contains the qualifications a man must have before she will entertain having a serious relationship with him. What are the odds of finding that man? Just notice that when the man who captures your heart comes along, he’s missing many things that were on the list. That’s when you gave up hoping and started to respond to reality. You could have never hoped your way to this man because in doing so, you would have missed seeing this option.

I’m optimistic that this makes sense to you.

All the best,

John

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It’s been said on more than one occasion that I lack rhythm. I’m the first to agree.

It seems that people who are in tune with their rhythm have no appreciation for what it’s like to be rhythm-less. It comes so easy to them that many of them think one without rhythm is just not trying hard enough. Truth be told, trying gets in the way.

Case in point . . . We’ve all seen the person without rhythm who has tried very hard and has even taken dance lessons. They have all the correct steps but appear like C-3PO on the dance floor. That’s manufactured rhythm that always appears stilted.

I can take the abuse and live a full life without being Travolta or Nureyev, but what really gets in the way is being out of rhythm with life.

Life has a rhythm. Like dancing, it flows when it’s working and is disjointed when it’s not.

What is the rhythm of life?

It’s being in tune with the tide of reality.

We’ve all fought with tides and lost. The natural plan is to go out when the tide is going out and come in when it’s coming in. Every time we do it any other way, we’re out of rhythm with life. The penalty is more severe than looking spastic on a dance floor.

I find that the people who are in tune with the rhythm of life have the best reality processing strategies. That means they accept reality quicker than most resulting in swimming against the tide much less.

Reminds me of a recent story in the news . . .

A survey showed that “It is what it is” is one of our least favorite phrases. My friend, Michele said on her Facebook page that she didn’t like the phrase either. My response was that most people dislike the phrase because it pokes a hole in their illusion that it can be any other way than it is. Illusion bursting always causes an emotion, and that’s why many of us have such a visceral response to this statement of reality.

That’s fighting with the ocean and losing again.

Watch anyone who’s accomplished at body surfing. They are attuned with the rhythm of the tide and the waves that it produces. Yes, they’re going to get walloped from time to time but more often than not, they going to be riding the wave of reality.

The phrase that will cause you the most pain is: “It is what it isn’t.” That’s truly being out of the rhythm of life.

Reality may not have any rhyme or reason, but it does have a rhythm. The sooner we align ourselves with it, the smoother the ride becomes.

Surf’s Up!

All the best,

John

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