It took me the longest time to learn that choice is everyone’s birthright.

Everyone gets to choose. (Side Note: Not choosing is a choice).

Choices imply consequences. That’s why we make choices for our children before we let them make them on their own. We are schooling them in the universal law of Quid Pro Quo. Or, as Newton said, “To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction.”

But some get addicted to making choices for those close to them and forget to let go of the reins. I count myself amongst the “some.”

That’s why it’s such a blow when our dearest ones choose on their own.

We get so used to being the chooser that we forget that it’s their choice to choose too.

Head of households are so used to making so many choices that it seems like the role of chooser only belongs to them. What a rude awakening they are in for when others in their circle make their own choices.

When others exercise their right to choose, we feel assaulted on two fronts:

1. We are miffed that they’ve taken over our role.
   
2. We are even more miffed and mystified that they chose something other than our choice.
   

P.S. Isn’t “Miffed” a great word?

Choice does leave a trail of tears for those not chosen, but the eyes may dry quicker if we are grounded in the inalienable right of choice.

We feel reality’s bite when we fight the right.

The biggest game of contradiction we play is denying that others have the right to choose. And we lose every time we ignore the rules.

We may be hurt by others’ choices but railing against their right to choose keeps us in the circle of victimhood – a choice that revolves for a lifetime.

The way to get off that Merry-Go-Round is by making a choice.

Choose to recognize another’s right to choose.

All the best,

John

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What do you love? If you haven’t made a list, you’d be surprised how wonderful it makes you feel just to jot down a few of the things that you love.

You can do a separate list for people and animals and enhance the feeling, but my focus today is on the things and activities you love.

Let me prime the pump by telling you some things I love.

I LOVE:

Hot tea
Reading a book on a rainy day
Taking photographs
Sending photographs to people
Naps
Macintosh Computers
Arnold Palmers (unsweetened iced tea & lemonade)
Homemade salsa
Sitting on a beach chair in the wet sand near the ocean
Body surfing
Patriots Football
Getting an idea from out of the blue
Hearing laughter in our home
Seeing early morning & late day light

The list could go on forever, and the more you add to it, the more love you feel.

Don’t take my word for it; just take a few moments to jot down the things you love and notice how much better you feel.

It doesn’t cost anything to do and it beats feeling blue.

All the best,

John

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You cannot be whole with a hole in your soul.

Wholeness is a completion; having a gap in your soul leaves you feeling incomplete.

Having a hole translates to a feeling that something is missing; wholeness heals all wounds and leaves us with an unmistakable feeling that everything is taken care of.

You can’t fill the hole in your soul. It has to fill itself.

You facilitate the process when you focus on what’s here rather than what’s missing.

Anyone can be an expert on what’s missing in their life; few fully realize what they already have.

When you take the time to count your current inventory, you get a finer appreciation of what’s already in stock. It’s like finding a treasure that’s been hidden in the attic for years.

The appreciation of current inventory, gratefulness, engenders more of that feeling which leads you to wholeness.

You cannot reach wholeness when your focus is on what you don’t have.

If you’re in a ditch, no more attention need be brought to that fact. It’s an obvious circumstance that doesn’t need constant restating.

The first step towards extrication is to focus on the resources you do have.

You do have the ability to take stock every day. It’s the inventory method, as the old song says, where you count your blessings instead of sheep.

The way out of a hole is not harping on that you’re in one. That only keeps your solution out of reach.

Use your gift of focus to zero in on what you’re appreciative of, and witness your hole become whole.

All the best,

John

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“Liar” is a powerful word, and the truth is, we all lie. We are all liars.

Sometimes we lie to spare someone’s feelings and we’ve given that the name of “White Lie.” Most times, though, we lie so that we don’t die.

Most lies are used to prop up an image we have of ourselves – one that we made up and got comfortable with. When a piece of factual data comes along and threatens that image, we do everything in our power to keep that image intact. This involves obfuscating – a fancy term for lying.

We lie so that our image doesn’t die. Our façade is usually so flimsy that it can’t stand on its own, so it needs to be propped up. The most used props are lies.

My sense is that “Psychological Death” is scarier than physically dying simply because we expend more effort keeping our psychological self alive. We have so much wrapped up in who we think we are that any peeling away of that image sends shockwaves of fear through our body, every day.

But die we must.

Our image is a creation of our imagination. Our image doesn’t really exist; it’s only a construct of our mind. We are lying to keep alive that which doesn’t exist. Now that’s crazy!

Just take a moment and consider the lies you’ve told or are telling. No one needs to hear your confession but you. What you’ll notice is that you are lying to protect something – something that doesn’t exist – your image of yourself.

I don’t think we’re going to give up lying anytime soon, but I do think it’s helpful to plan our funeral. That means to notice “why” you lie.

Every time you notice that you lie to protect your image, you whittle away one of the props. One day that image will fall and you will find who’s been hiding behind that image all these years – YOU!

“Truth or Consequences” is more than an old TV show or a town in New Mexico; it’s a natural law that applies to lying. The consequence of lying is to drain your energy by fearing death on a daily basis.

If you get in the habit of noticing your lies, it will do two things:

1. Free up the energy you’ve been using to keep a lie alive so you can fuel a less scary life.
2. Get you closer to finding the “You” behind the curtain – a magical discovery.

And that’s the truth!

All the best,

John

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We learn from the computer geniuses that everything a computer does is based on ones and zeros. They break down this binary code for us mortals by likening these two values to the positions of standard light switches – they are either on or off.

One = On
Zero = Off

This is not about math; it’s about where our power comes from.

Imagine for a moment that our thinking mind is represented by one and that our creative mind is represented by zero. Using the light switch analogy, only one position can be active at a time.

We spend most of our time in the “On” position – One. That means we do a lot of thinking. The logic follows that the longer we are on, the less time we are off. That’s the human “Achilles Heel.”

Our weakest point is thinking, and too much of it causes us to be separated from our power.

The objective is not to not think. That would be like asking the wind not to blow. The goal is to be able to turn our thinking off and turn our creativity on. That’s when we learn The Power of Zero.

I’ve been on the telephone with computer customer service more times than I care to remember, and just about every time, they request that I reset the computer by turning it off. When we get stuck in life, going to the “Off” position is our reset button.

It’s this simple: When our thinking is off, our creativity is on.

We cannot consciously create creativity. We jam up our thinking apparatus when we make this attempt and there is no room for anything creative to pop in when we are constantly on.

The Power of Zero begins when we notice that we are in the “On” position. Just noticing that we are in the “On” position, creates an opportunity to visit the “Off” position. When we are constantly thinking, we never think of that option.

Observing is the mechanism that helps us switch positions. Think of observing as a railroad worker whose job it is to switch trains off one track and onto another.

There are other ways to get to zero. There are countless mind calming methods available; find the one that works best for you.

Getting your mind to turn off, even briefly, has you switch over to your creativity, which is your power.

The most power you have as a human being is the power to create. If you think you can do it from the “On” position, you’re on the wrong track.

Here’s a suggestion: Every time you see a light switch, let it act as a reminder as to which position you are currently in. It may be the only cue you need to switch to the Power of Zero.

All the best,

John

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It doesn’t appear at first glance that “Consume” and “Create” are polar opposites, but it seems to be the case.

Sometimes consumption is a precursor to creativity, as in the case of education, but for the most part, you cannot consume and create at the same time. They live on opposite ends of a continuum.

Let’s look on the fringes of each.

A total consumer displays no creativity. Take the couch potato who consumes countless hours of mindless TV and sups on foods and beverages filled with empty calories. They are stuck in a pattern of consumption from which no creativity can flow.

Take the textbook example of their opposite – they create without consuming. Think of the genius artist who goes hours and days on end producing their masterpiece without consuming anything, except stimulants to keep them going – like coffee, for example.

These examples are easy to imagine, but it gets more difficult to discern as we move away from the edges.

We have to find our own optimum mix of creation and consumption to feel a sense of balance in our lives. Too much of either leaves little room for the other.

We require both for balance.

For the most part, we lean heavily in the direction of consumption. We are a conditioned culture of consumers. Consumers have a need to be stimulated at all times without contributing any creativity. There is no need to think for ourselves and we are easily led.

Advertising loves this.

There is an old business axiom that underscores how consumption lines the pockets of the few. It goes like this: “If you market to the masses, you eat with the classes.”

Simply put, if your product appeals to the majority, you will make enough money to afford a high priced lifestyle.

Marketers know that most of us are consumed by consumption and they count on it to make their handsome living.

This isn’t about advertising and marketing; it’s about you.

How well do you balance consumption and creativity? If you are heavily into one, you are ignoring the other and are out of balance.

I’ve mentioned the term, “Shadow Artist” before, coined by author, Julia Cameron, in her book “The Artist’s Way.” It’s someone who lives in the shadow of someone else’s creativity and doesn’t create anything of their own. They are a consumer.

Oftentimes, this is a self image issue where the person believes they are incapable of anything creative, and also believe anything they produce will be dwarfed by others.

The piece they miss is that creativity builds on creativity. Remember: With the exception of “The Monkees“ and a handful of others, all bands with national reputations began as local bands.

That’s another way of saying that small pieces of creativity lead to larger ones.

Notice your amount of consumption and you take the first step towards being more creative. Just by observing that you are engaged in consumptive behavior is often enough to spark creativity. Creativity comes when you create a space for it. When you move consumption aside for a moment, you enter the empty space that produces creativity.

The empty page and the empty canvas won’t fill up on a diet of consumption.

If you are looking to write a new chapter for your life or to paint a different picture, you’ll need creativity. A good start is to reduce your consumption.

All the best,

John

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I’ll admit, I’ve been confused with all things French my entire life, except French Fries.

I actually asked my wife when we were first married, and eating at a restaurant, what was in the French soup that I kept seeing on menus. She asked, “What French soup?” I said, “This one” and pointed to “Soup de Jour.”

I think many people are still confused by how to R S.V P.

If French confuses you too, Answers.com provides this definition:

R.S.V.P. stands for the French phrase, “répondez, s’il vous plaît,” which means ‘please reply’ or ‘respond, please’.

The phrase is used in the sense of an invitation: the sender is asking for a reply indicating whether or not the invitee accepts the invitation.

Many people don’t respond to invitations – especially ones to go deeper.

The offer is made time and again but we ignore it, more often than we do junk mail.

So two natural questions come up:

1. When do we get this offer?
2. What exactly is “Deeper”?

Anytime we seek the answers to any of life’s dilemmas, we are being offered a choice – to act on the first reaction we have, or to let it pass and wait for something further down, making its way to the surface.

“Deeper” is that which is not readily on the surface.

We make superficial attempts to solve life’s problems and are always left wanting, thinking we need more of what the surface has to offer.

“More” in the case of superficial attempts results in more of the same. It’s the classic case of the poor lottery winner thinking that the jackpot will solve all of their problems. Now they are rich people throwing money at many of the same issues they had when they were poor. Money is a wonderful thing to have access to but often we use it superficially in an attempt to close a wound.

Remember the purchase that was going to make you feel better? How long did the feeling last before you were seeking some other social salve? That’s the first clue that you have ignored an invitation to R.S.V.P.

We all have access to depth but not many of us go there. We stay on the surface pretending that’s the only place there is. On the surface, we keep manufacturing the same answers in different suits of clothes – the answers that have never filled the hole in our soul and never will. They only scratch the surface.

The invitation to go deeper will continue to be ignored by those who believe they will figure life out. They continue to look for “thee” answer which can’t be found on the surface. Truth be told, there is no one answer, just a series of opportunities to respond to life’s circumstances.

When you react, you re-act the same part over and over again, getting the same results.

When you let your reactions to life go by, you go past the surface and explore the depth of your responses – ones that bring you less of the same.

Consider today’s blog an invitation to go deeper. Respond if you please.

All the best,

John

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I realize that dimes have changed since “A penny for your thoughts” came into the vernacular, but most of them aren’t worth any more now.

Every now and then a worthwhile thought does sneak in. It’s usually in an unguarded moment when your thought machine is quiet. These are the thoughts I attribute to a part of us I call The Grasshopper.

The Grasshopper is the part of you that lets the truth slip out from time to time. Not the relevant truth but the truth that can only come from the one source of everything.

Last night The Grasshopper slipped through my guard and delivered this:

“Who I am rarely makes it into my thoughts; who I’m not, often does.” (I’ve noticed something: The Grasshopper doesn’t care about the proper use of “Who” and “Whom.”)

Did you ever notice that you can have some awful thoughts about yourself in your head? It’s like a political, name calling, series of ads in there. Of course, we’ve learned from the “Positive thinking” group that we’re supposed to replace those names with positive names. I guess they have never noticed that that never works.

Who you are is not a thought. It’s deeper than thought and only manifests briefly, as thought, when there are no thoughts in your mind. Who you are cannot be thought of in thought – it’s too elusive. It’s like the wonderful dream you awaken from that you can’t remember any of the details of moments later.

Who you are not is the collection of thoughts in your head about yourself. They are repetitive thoughts that stick around. Since they are there all the time, we mistake them as valid.

Who you are doesn’t stick around as a thought because as the old saying goes, “Once you label it, you lose it.”

Who you are cannot be named. It’s like the ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu reminded us in the opening verse of the Tao Te Ching: “The Tao that can be explained with words is not the Tao.” The verse goes on to say, “We desire to understand the world by giving names to the things we see, but these things are the effects of something subtle. When we see beyond the desire to use names, we can sense the nameless cause of these effects.”

Who you are can never be reduced to a name, yet we continue to engage in name calling in a misguided effort to discover who we are.

When the name calling calms down and takes a siesta, who you are arrives in full sombrero, because who you are is much bigger than your head.

You don’t have to take my word for it that the names you are calling yourself are not you; just let the practice pause and notice what shows up in its place – the peace that passes all understanding.

As Rocky the Squirrel may have said, “That’s who you are in a nutshell.”

All the best,

John

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There is a downside to everything, including being smart.

My experience is, the smarter you are, the more arguments you make.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you argue a lot; it means you are capable of making more arguments than those less brilliant.

The less brilliant of us tend to make the same arguments over and over again, whereas the real smart folks can produce a plethora of points of view.

Smart or not, we all seem to have the ability to argue for our limitations. The smart person just has more positions from which to defend themselves. Therein lies the rub.

I was talking to my niece last month and found myself spontaneously saying, “I find that smarter people are harder to reach.” That’s when it became apparent to me that they use their enhanced intellect to surround themselves with enough logical positions as to be impenetrable.

I was reminded of a powerful line I read in a Daniel Quinn book called “Ishmael“ – “There is no argument powerful enough to end the argument.”

A more accurate statement on my part would have been, “Smarter people are harder to reach logically.” They have too many defenses and rebuttals for logic to be effective.

The way for arguments to cease is to have no arguments. A smart person is brilliant enough to argue all sides of the argument and can take up all of their intellectual real estate with making arguments, leaving no room for solutions.

The way to stop arguing with yourself is to notice that you are arguing. When you notice more, the arguments become less and less. You are creating space for an answer that will solve your dilemma.

Smart people are used to leaning on their intellect to solve everything. When it comes to changing their life, they’re leaning in the wrong direction. They are not smart enough to know that wisdom comes from a quieter, less educated space.

Matthew 6:28 reminds us: “Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin.”

Stop making arguments and stop spinning out the logic that locks you into your positions. This intellectual “time out” will get you out of the corner.

All the best,

John

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One of the marks of maturity is to stop asking “Why” questions.   

“Why did this happen to me?”, “Why do I always do that?”, “Why does my mother like my sister more?” and “Why can’t they do anything right?” are just a few examples of the whimsy of “Why.”

“Why?” is always a wimpy question that always comes with an unreliable answer. That’s the reason why “Why” doesn’t work; it provides faulty data with which to work. Reminds me of a story . . .

Back in my radio daze I was doing a DJ dance at a ski lodge. It was coming to the end of the evening and people were, as the song says, “Dancing on the Ceiling.” I announced that I had time for only two more songs. This poor soul who had been standing on the sidelines all night came up to me and said he had a request for one of the last two songs. I asked him what he wanted to hear. He replied, “Why Me, Lord?” For those unfamiliar to the song, it’s a Christian, Country Song by Kris Kristofferson.

I told him I wasn’t going to play that song and he wanted to know why. I attempted to explain that I wanted to keep the festive mood going and that song would put out the fire. He wanted to know why. Every attempt at an explanation was returned with the question, “Why?”

People who continually ask “Why?” have no clue that the answers they get will never work for them, yet they continue to ask the question.

“Why?” questions provide the questioned party a license to create, and create we do. “Why aren’t you doing better in social studies?” “Because the teacher doesn’t like me,” “Because everyone in the class is failing,” “Because my seat’s too far away from the window” and the list goes on and on.

The only answer that works for a “Why” question is a one word answer – “Because.” See my blog post from April 14, 2008 for more on that.

The focus today is to provide a strategy for us to grow. “Why” takes us off course and stunts our growth. The person who asks “Why?” will continually be disappointed because the answers only provide more questions. It’s a never ending ride to nowhere.

“Why?” doesn’t work. Ask any parent of a 4 year old if they’ve ever come up with an answer that keeps the child from asking “Why?”

The key to growing out of the immaturity of “Why” is to notice how often you ask the question.

Each time you notice, you move a little further away from “Why” and closer to some actionable data that will help you grow.

All the best,

John

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