Argue or Retreat
There is a huge difference between arguing and retreating and I’m not sure we’ve parsed the difference to our best advantage.
I assert that knowing the difference will make a difference.
Most people know when they’re about to enter an argument. There are telltale signs – jaw gets set, face gets flushed, fur is up, etc. Whatever happens for you that tips you off that you’re about to get into a verbal tiff, is worth noticing when it happens.
That’s your choice point – Argue or Retreat.
I am not going to lobby for one or the other because both of them have their uses. What I will encourage is to notice which choice you’re about to make.
NOTE: Retreating is not giving up; it’s taking time to reassess your strategy.
Arguing can communicate to others what you are fervent about. It can also indicate to you what’s important enough to give your full throated endorsement to.
When arguing is counterproductive is when you know, in advance, it’s going to go nowhere. That’s when it’s best to bring out the white hankie.
Do a quick assessment: How many arguments have you entered that you knew there would be no exit from? My guess is hundreds, if not thousands.
The trick is to get that awareness upfront rather than after the fact. After the fact writes history books; upfront prevents another endless war.
Sidebar: Some people like to argue for argument’s sake. My poster child for that strategy is law professor, Alan Dershowitz. He is the first person I would call if I needed a serious argument to be made on my behalf. I’m pretty sure he would be further down on my list if I just wanted to chat. People like Professor Dershowitz make their livelihood by arguing.
What will you do the next time? Argue or retreat? No one really knows the answer to that question, but it’s worth knowing that you do have a choice.
Some of the sagest advice you could offer will fall on plugged ears if it’s delivered to someone who is in a mindset to argue. Develop the sensory acuity to sense the state of mind of the other person you are about to interact with. If they are in a less than resourceful frame of mind, retreat and save your wisdom for another time, otherwise you will probably argue to no avail.
If you want to be right, argue, but remember what The Grasshopper said many moons ago: “Some people would rather be right than happy. And preferring to be right, they are left out.”
All the best,
John
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