How many lateral moves have you made in your life? If you’re like most of us, there are too many to count.

Lest you think I’m talking about your job, let me assure you it’s deeper than that.

Lateral moves are what we do every day. They’re the sideways moves to accumulate more data, knowledge and experience in hopes of moving us forward. The results are anti-climactic. Once we get to that forward point, we want to go farther, and the race begins again – the race to nowhere. There is no satisfying destination associated with lateral moves.

The parallel plane to lateral moves is depth. Once your reach depth, there is no other destination that’s necessary. Depth may not make you smarter or richer, but it will enrich you and your wisdom far beyond any lateral move you can make.

Depth is a place from where we can view the insanity of what we do.

It’s a place of observation rather than judgement.

Depth is reached when we can step away and just notice ourselves in action without having to participate.

Depth is becoming aware of what we do when we are doing it. Depth is the place where change is born.

When you notice what you do while you are doing it, you are at the threshold of change. Change is the natural offshoot of depth. Lateral moves are marketed as change but they only keep you in the same place with a different zip code.

Take a moment today and just observe yourself in action. What you will notice is that you truly can’t move forward when you run from side to side.

All the best,

John

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For the last couple of days I’ve been feeling pressured to write about pressure.

Where is my pressure coming from? It’s coming from the same place it always comes from – Me!

We create our own pressure and attribute it to someone else or to a set of circumstances. For example, “He/She is pressuring me” OR “It’s the pressure of the job.”

He or she may be making a demand, or the job or role may be demanding, but the pressure always comes from you.

Pressure is a sensation that we create in our body. It’s how we have been conditioned to respond to demanding people or situations.

What if your boss says, “Have this report done by 5 o’clock or you’re fired.” Are they pressuring you or using your ability to pressure yourself? They are making a request with consequences and you create the pressure.

It’s useful to know where pressure is coming from in order to diffuse pressure. If it’s perceived as out there somewhere, you’ll have a difficult time getting to the pressure release valves. If they are close by, they are easier to reach.

Envision the “Supermom” who needs some pressure relief. She believes she needs relief from her circumstances, when what she really needs is relief from the standards she’s pressuring herself to uphold. The thinking goes something like this: “If I don’t fold all of that laundry, I’m a bad housekeeper. If I don’t volunteer at the school more often, I’m a bad parent. If I dedicate more time to my job, I’ll be a bad wife.” The list goes on and on.

If you are paying attention, you’ll see where the pressure is coming from. It comes from you. If you can turn it on, you can turn it off.

I don’t know where I first heard this next line but it’s useful in appreciating where pressure comes from and how to diffuse it. “A bill is not a bill until it is paid.”

If you have bills piling up, as many of us do during trying times, you pressure yourself unnecessarily by focusing on the pile. You can only pay them when you pay them, no matter how bad you make yourself feel in the meantime. That’s undue pressure.

Begin to recognize that you are the one applying pressure and you’ll have easier access to the valves. What if you adopted the reality strategy of “The laundry will be folded when it’s folded,” rather than pressuring yourself to live up to an impossible standard?

Life will continue to make demands on your time and abilities. You can relieve lots of the stress simply by noticing that you’re applying the pressure.

All the best,

John

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I was watching some old video from my dearly departed mentor, Dr. Dave Dobson and was reminded of how powerful a bonding tool he left us.

Dave called it “Other Than Conscious Communication.” One of the key elements of OTCC is the ability to bond with someone outside of their conscious awareness. It is not some fluffy, philosophical notion; it is a lightning quick, verifiable way to bond with another.

Simply put, this technique involves acknowledging acknowledgement.

All people have behaviors that they exhibit. If you pay attention for just a moment, you’ll be able to see a piece of behavior they display – the way they walk, talk, breathe, arrange their body positions, etc.

For example, their voice has a tone and a cadence, a specific volume and pitch, not to mention an accent. You can take any piece of any behavior and feed it back to a person in the same way they are giving it (tone cadence, volume, pitch, etc.) and, if you pay attention, you will see them acknowledge it. The acknowledgement may come in any number of ways – a quizzical look, a smile, a head tilt, a body or breathing shift or something else. Whatever way it comes, you will notice it if you pay attention. The interesting thing is that their acknowledgement of your feedback goes on outside of their conscious awareness.

The next step completes the bond – Feedback their feedback. If they smile, smile. If they tilt their head, tilt yours the same way. If they shift their body, shift yours in the same way. If they raise their eyebrows, raise yours. You are acknowledging their acknowledgement. It’s like a silent handshake that establishes rapport.

It’s easy to practice and it produces a bond that no conscious Dale Carnegie-like technique can match. I practice it everywhere with strangers – in the supermarket, in airport waiting areas, or just walking the dog. For example, while out walking, I watch the driver of an oncoming car and notice something about them – their body position behind the wheel, the way they hold their gaze, like the furrowing of a brow, or the way they tilt their head. I quickly mimic one of those behaviors. Part of them will notice and do something back. Quite often, in this scenario, it’s a smile or a wave. I just smile or wave back to this total stranger and we have a bond. I can’t tell you how many people wave to me while I’m out walking the dog.

Reminds me of a story . . .

My business partner and I went to New York City in 2004 to meet with a potential client. After the meeting, we walked the busy streets of Manhattan around Times Square. I was silently playing with Dave’s bonding technique as we walked and talked. All of a sudden, my partner asked me what I was doing because he noticed a number of people smiling and waving at me. He knew I was up to something but he didn’t know what. I explained how I was acknowledging their acknowledgement. He was intrigued.

I request that you put this bonding tool in your kit right away. Think of it as an early Christmas gift from me to you – a bonding technique that’s stronger than glue.

All the best,

John

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JOHN MORGAN COACHING
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What did I learn from my enemies? My sense is if you can answer that question, your maturation level is head and shoulders above the rest.

Enemies in this context may be someone you were friendly with before, like an ex, an old boss, a parent or another family member. For whatever reason that warm fuzzy turned into the steely cold attitude you have towards them now.

You may never have warm feelings for them again, but don’t let that stop you from finding out if you learned something from them that serves you well today.

It’s an exercise in appreciation. Reminds me of a story . . .

Anyone who ever attended military basic training can verify the phenomenon I’m about to outline. You have a trainer who insults you, works you to exhaustion and finds any number of dastardly ways to break down your resistance. You come to hate them. You’d be surprised at the number of people who graduate basic training and want to go have a beer with their trainer. They came to appreciate what the trainer did for them.

Others hold animosity towards the person forever and never fully appreciate what they learned by being associated with them.

I’m not asking you to overlook bad treatment from people in your life. Address it if you can. Nor am I asking you to mend a fence with this person. I’m only suggesting that you find something productive or useful that you learned from this person and appreciate them for it. You don’t even have to express your appreciation to them, only to yourself.

Here’s the result: If you are adult enough to answer the question “What did I learn from my enemies?”, you are on your way to experiencing the salve and clear headedness that maturity brings.

I’ve experienced too many people who carry around the “Those Bastards” model around in their head to know for sure that they don’t mature.

If you attempt to find out what useful thing you learned from that bastard, you will experience appreciation, which is a sign of maturity.

All the best,

John

JOHN MORGAN COACHING
ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING
LOSE WEIGHT & KEEP IT OFF
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SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
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I LOVE MY BODY
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FEEL FOREVER YOUNG
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