In the last argument you had with yourself, who won?

There are no winners of an internal argument; it only delays you from reaching a solution.

The more often you have an internal “Good Cop/Bad Cop” or “Devil/Angel” debate, the longer you delay any action.

It’s a universal law that we continually ignore.

We are conditioned that if we have a “Knock down/drag out,” back and forth argument inside our head that we have done something towards solving our dilemma.

Let’s look at the practice logically for a moment. Most of us are intellectually bright enough to understand both sides of the argument the first or second time it goes around in our head. What is the benefit having it come around for the 23^rd time? It’s self-flagellation of the highest order and the only thing this dispute delivers is delay.

Suspending the argument is a much quicker way to a solution.

How do we suspend the argument? Notice that it’s going on.

Have you ever noticed that these debates take on a life of their own? They just take over all your intellectual real estate allowing no room for a solution to pop in.

When you notice an internal argument in progress and you just observe it without taking sides, the wind goes out of each windbag. This practice opens space for a solution to present itself.

I think the real Wisdom of Solomon is getting ourselves back into neutral so we don’t have to split ourselves in half ad nauseam.

It’s the cease fire that delivers the room for real reflection. There is a part of us that acts in our best interest. It’s in our best interest to make room for it to operate.

If you are an attorney prepping for a trial, it may make sense to go back and forth over the opposing arguments, but even there, the debate must stop in order to come forward with a strategy that works.

Noticing that you are arguing with yourself is a powerful strategy that delivers the pause that refreshes.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper has been on vacation and hasn’t visited for awhile. I heard his familiar chirping this morning and here’s what he said:

“What I know about you reveals a lot about me.”

What you know about someone is recognized by the part of you that knows you have that quality too.

It’s no secret that we have parts of us – like the part that wants to wring someone’s neck and the more peaceful part of us that passes on the opportunity.

When you recognize a trait in someone else, it’s the part of you that has that trait that does the recognizing.

You may not have that trait to the degree they do, but make no mistake it’s a part of you.

Having this recognition lets our judgements pass more quickly and has us act less superior than we deem ourselves to be.

Oftentimes, when someone vehemently denies they have a particular trait, you are witnessing what that person fears becoming.

Reminds me of a story . . .

My mother despised shopping in discount stores. She would say disparaging things about these places and the people who shopped there. One day I asked her where she thought this dislike came from. She said, “When I go into those stores, I feel poor.”

I should mention she was the oldest of a family of 12 sisters and brothers and that she lived through the Depression of the 1930’s. They had nothing. Part of her remembered that and feared that.

We are made up of many parts, and to deny them is to feed them. This fuels a sense a separation that makes us believe that another is nothing like us when, in fact, we have lots of parts in common.

The next time you catch yourself judging and categorizing, (and we all do) just take a moment to notice what you are seeing in them is a part of you.

It’s a preaching worth practicing. The result is a humbler, more approachable you that becomes more than the sum of your parts.

All the best,

John

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I was awakened from a dream in the middle of the night last night and heard The Grasshopper say, “I have to give up what I know about you to get to know you.”

The message seemed to be about limitation. I jotted it down and went back to sleep.

No matter how factual your data about someone, you may cloud your perspective and your judgement with the limitation of knowing. It often prevents us from going past the surface with them – the traditional “Knowing the book by the cover” approach.

I have been cursed and blessed with observational skills that quickly put me in the mindset of knowing. I can be in a supermarket or an airport observing a bunch of strangers and know tons about them without having to engage them. It becomes a curse if I have to get to know them better. My “knowing” often translates to “all I need to know” and can shut off any deeper exploration.

The same type of knowing applies to ideas and concepts as well. If someone proffers an idea and you already “know” about it, you may not fully get to know what they know if you cut off the flow by knowing what you know. After rereading that last sentence, I feel like Dr. Seuss.

Knowing is also a limitation on goals and accomplishment. If you already know that it can’t be the way you would like it to be, you’ll be unable to see the potential opening that can lead you there.

How would you approach something or someone if you didn’t know what was possible or impossible? My guess is a lot differently.

You would come from a different angle of approach, which would give you a different perspective and a different set of observations with which to operate. Acting on a different set of facts would get you to know something different about the very same thing you already “knew” about.

Knowing is a subconscious block to accomplishment. If your knowing has become an automated, patterned program that kicks in without thinking, your thinking will remain the same and you will only know what you know.

If you begin to observe your mind knowing what it knows, you shed the light of day on that information and expose it for what it is – only a piece of the puzzle – not the complete picture.

Knowing can hold you back if you treat it as the end game. Knowing can be a catalyst to knowing more if you begin to view what you already know as partial knowledge.

This much I know for sure: Logic can lead to limitation, if it’s the only tool you use.

And regarding people . . . Everyone has a piece of the puzzle, you just have to get to know them better to find it.

All the best,

John

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I believe that the word “Loser” is one of the most powerful words in the English Language.

Words only have power through reference, and “Loser” has multiple references in our experience.

Our society has been so focused on winning that losing is not considered an option, yet we lose every day.

Losing and being a loser are two different references, and we rarely differentiate between the two.

“Losing” is a verb and “Loser” is a noun. Losing is something you do through action or inaction. Loser is something you are.

So if, for example, you lose at a sporting event, you have just lost. But if you internalize that loss and consider other times you have lost in the past, you may conclude that you are a loser.

You can see the process of how the label and mindset gets built.

There is no upside to the word “Loser.” That doesn’t mean it can’t be used to achieve productive results. Reminds me of a story . . .

A number of years ago the NBA (National Basketball Association) ran a series of anti-drug ads targeted to their younger viewers. They featured the superstars of the league delivering a “Don’t Do Drugs” message. The problem was the ads weren’t powerful enough. The kids had already heard that message and, for the most part, ignored it.

My thought, at the time, was the message would have had more impact if the star player looked right in the camera and said, “If you do drugs, you’re a LOSER.”

A “Loser” is something no one wants to be.

If we look carefully at people we label as losers, including ourselves, we will find that they/we are not winning at life. That means that we have executed a set of actions or inactions that have caused us to lose time after time.

If we focus on the label versus focusing on the action or lack of it, we stay stuck in “Loserville.”

What actions or inactions are causing you to lose? Be careful not to look at others’ actions as the cause of your repeated losses, otherwise you’ll remain a loser.

There is a set of steps or missteps that have caused us to lose. It’s useful to identify those steps so we don’t repeat the dance. If we get caught up in the concept of “Loser,” we lose our focus and don’t zero in on the way out of being a “Zero.”

We have all lost at something. Whether it’s love or tiddlywinks, it doesn’t make us a loser, unless we fail to notice the slippery slope from losing to loser.

In the song, “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart” the question is asked: “How can a loser ever win?” The answer is to notice and act on the set of actions causing you to lose.

Appropriate action will cause you to lose being a loser.

All the best,

John

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Here is a question worth pondering: Are you conscious of your subconscious?

The answer to the question is revealed when you begin to notice the function of each.

Consciousness, or being aware, is the hallmark of being conscious. That means that your conscious mind observes, asks questions, makes suggestions and formulates plans.

Your subconscious is a reactive mechanism. It’s a reservoir of conditioned routines. It reacts to stimuli and doesn’t think. Consciousness, on the other hand, does lots of thinking.

The conundrum is this: We think we can think our way out of our routines. We cannot. We must act our way out of our routines. That means to become aware of our reactive behavior and act on it.

Most people dismiss their automatic behavior as “just being me.” “Being me” is not a conscious choice; it’s a patterned reaction. The “you” that you think you are, and often defend to the high heavens, is nothing more than a collection of routines that have a mind of their own.

I saw a group on Facebook recently that underscores how thinking who we are is fraught with flagrant, phony logic. It goes something like this: Thinking that being in a house of worship makes you good is like thinking that standing in a garage makes you a car.

As silly as that seems, that’s the reality of how we define ourselves. We become blind to our reactive patterns and defend not changing.

You can dig your heels in some more and get more of the same, or you can become conscious. One method is filled with a lifetime of being on the witness stand; the other leads to something new by becoming aware of what we do.

You are where you are in life by the collective actions you have taken. Many of these actions have been reactions that take you to the same place.

The path to someplace new begins by noticing that your reactions do not do.

Making the unconscious conscious has been the goal of therapy since the time of Freud. But much of modern day therapy is too much talking and not enough doing. We think we are talking about who we are when, in fact, we are defining a conditioned image and ignoring the actions that formed it.

Making the unconscious conscious begins with noticing what we do. Your actions define a “you” that you think doesn’t exist.

Make it a point to start noticing what you do. It will help you to react less and act more.

When you become conscious, you truly begin to appreciate the old axiom: “Actions speak louder than words.”

All the best,

John

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