When is hatred useful?

The knee-jerk reaction is “Never!”

I believe I have found an exception. No, it’s not against Osama bin Laden or BP.

It’s useful towards our unwillingness to accept.

I’ve written before that we really don’t have a choice when it comes to accepting, and it bears repetition now. When something happens, it happens. If you say you don’t accept it, you have just denied reality. You may not like it, you may make efforts to change it, but you cannot not accept it.

I hate that I can’t accept.

My mission is to take the energy that fuels hatred and direct it towards acceptance.

Admitting that you hate something just shows that you are human. We, as a species, are pretty adept at hating. We just aim our hatred in the wrong direction. We rage against reality instead of against our unwillingness to accept.

If we took the energy that fuels hatred and directed it towards acceptance we would have a more peaceful life.

We misuse our hatred. We direct it at things we wish didn’t happen instead of using it to get us to the neutral position of acceptance.

From the vantage point of acceptance, the way forward becomes clearer, not obscured by the blindness hatred causes.

Repeat after me: “It’s OK to hate” as long as that hatred is towards the one thing that stands in the way of your peace – the unwillingness to accept.

The founder of “Radical Forgiveness,” Colin Tipping offers a brilliant strategy that can get you on the path to accepting. When you say that you cannot accept something, he doesn’t quibble with that. He merely requests that you accept that you cannot accept something. By doing so, you allow acceptance in the back door giving it shelter and room to grow.

The fact is we do have the ability to accept, we just don’t use it. Don’t you just hate that?

All the best,

John

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Every once in awhile you have to run a Stop sign. “Officer, my wife’s water just broke” or “I was rushing home to see the season finale of The Biggest Loser.”

We all go a little haywire sometimes.

It’s ignoring that internal stop signal on a regular basis that will keep you in opposition to most others, and you’ll cause more than your share of “accidents.”

People who are oppositional believe in the illusion of control, and they are on a mission to get some.

They know they’re constantly going against the flow, but they keep on going because they’re looking for the upper hand they think was dealt to others.

Reminds me of a story . . .

I used to work with a guy who was the text book example of oppositional. It was his default position. You said, “Black” and he would say “White.” He was looking to control every situation. He was skilled at what he did but was entirely annoying to everyone.

The sadder part of the story was that he was executing this automatic behavior in order to procure that which cannot be had – Control.

Anyone who is highly oppositional may politely listen to this observation and may even intellectually grasp it, but part of them keeps searching for the Holy Grail filled with the quaff that won’t let them fail.

My experience is that oppositional people, no matter how successful, feel they have failed. They have convinced themselves that the remedy for failure is control.

Oftentimes, the reason they believe so much in this illusion is because they were superbly conditioned by someone exerting highly controlling behavior.

Ah-ha, that’s why I am the way I am. Don’t get stuck there because that will keep you searching backwards.

The way forward is to recognize that your religion isn’t working. Make no mistake; if opposition is your first response, you worship at the altar of control.

You will continue to fail because the god you seek doesn’t exist. It’s a marketing fairy tale that you continue to buy into even though you have ample evidence the miracle isn’t going to happen.

Once you are belted in for the roller coaster ride of life, there is no control of the twists and bends or the fellow riders you encounter. The people who handle life’s loopty loops the best don’t waste their time trying to control them. They choose a response to what’s offered them rather than automatically cruising through the Stop sign again.

All the best,

John

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I asked myself the question: “What get’s in the way of communication?” and the answer I received was “Pre-disposition.”

It’s next to impossible not to bring your conditioning to an interaction, but that’s no excuse not to recognize that you’re doing it.

When you bring your preconceived notions into a communication, they are going to bump up against another’s predetermined notions and soon there will be sparks.

Preconceived notions are prejudices, principles, preferences, positions and a whole host of other words not beginning with “P.”

Pre-disposition sits on the foundation known as “Right.” When we are right about something, any opposing viewpoint is wrong.

Very little gets communicated when you believe the other person is wrong. Notice the hostility that enters the communication when you believe the other is wrong.

What if, just for a moment, you suspended right and wrong and just labeled their position as “Is.”

We have now inserted a new variable into the right-wrong dichotomy. It’s called “Is.”

What you are noticing is, that it “Is” their position.

Once you recognize a person’s position as not right or wrong, you enter the world of “Is.”

“Is” is the tiny shift in focus that serves as the wedge to put between right and wrong and takes us off automatic pilot. The result of this wedge will prevent the sparks from blinding your vision.

If the objective is to communicate, “Is” is the most efficient catalyst. It allows the most information to flow back and forth unfiltered by right and wrong.

This in no way suggests for you to give up your principles – just check them at the door so they don’t take up space in the meeting room.

You can reclaim your positions on the way out. What you may find by entering the world of “Is” is that you may not want all your old positions back. “Is” is the proverbial and elusive “Open Mind.”

Your mind cannot be wedged open with right and wrong. It takes “Is” to do that.

If your communications are suffering and spiraling down to hiss and scratch fests, it may be time to enter the world of “Is.”

All the best,

John

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Here’s a little “Pie in the Sky” question. What would you like to see in tomorrow’s headlines?

Now, that you’ve considered an answer to that question, here’s another: What would you like to see in tomorrow’s headlines concerning you?

These sorts of questions can produce daydreams that are fun to entertain.

What’s one thing that most of us never consider that’s necessary to make either of these daydreams a reality?

Answer: The action that must happen now.

Now is the only time you have the ability to take action. Yesterday’s gone and tomorrow’s not here yet. The action point is always now. Now is the time to make headlines.

If you take more time to ponder what you want the headline to be, you have delayed action again and tomorrow’s headline will be the same as it is today.

If you remain scared of your own shadow and delay action again, you’ll be stuck reading the “Groundhog Times” – a newspaper or blog whose headline never changes.

You can wait for the winds of circumstance to change and blow something new in your direction, but if you chart out the frequency of the favorable wind gusts that have blown your way in the past, the statistics indicate it will be a long wait.

You can wait for a headline or you can cause a headline. The catalyst of causation is always action.

What action can you take now that will cause tomorrow’s headline?

Daydreaming can bring the headline into focus; action will get it on the front page.

I don’t think the disconnect between daydreaming and action has gotten enough press. It’s the linking of the two that produces tomorrow’s headlines.

What will Clark Kent or Lois Lane be writing about tomorrow? You, if you put a dash of action in your daydream.

What action can you take today that will make them say, “Stop the presses!”?

All the best,

John

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An old expression states, “You have to give a little to get a little.”

It more than suggests that “Give and Take” is a two-way street.

Some of us may have gotten spoiled in certain areas of our lives by certain people who gave and didn’t take. That sets up a level of false expectation in us that “it’s supposed to be that way.” It’s not.

What we’ve done is taken a rare set of facts and attempted to make them fit all whom we encounter. It leads to lots disappointment.

Those who only give cheat themselves out of taking and it leads to unspoken resentment that eventually shows up as uncharacteristic behavior. Those who only take eventually run out of free lunches and hunger for more.

Takers are some of the most difficult people you will ever encounter. Their level of entitlement fuels their hunger and they become indiscriminate as to whom they will take from. Most often it is attention they seek, but it can spill over into other forms of taking – shoplifting, stealing, Ponzi schemes.

Both givers and takers are out of balance.

Mother Teresa was more than a giver. She got a feeling of satisfaction from her altruism. She got something from her giving. When you only give out of a sense that you are supposed to, you will wind up on the doorstep of resentment. That resentment will be directed at those to whom you gave.

When you only take, even the people who love you get to the point where they can take you or leave you.

The givers will recognize themselves in this blog post; the takers won’t.

Both givers and takers have poor self-images. Neither one likes themselves very much.

Both are caught up in a false sense of self. They believe their own bullshit.

There’s not a 12-step program for givers and takers because it only takes one step – Recognition!

Before you can change anything, you need to recognize it in yourself.

Givers will recognize themselves more quickly than takers because, generally, they aren’t as opinionated and don’t have that many levels of denial to work through.

Takers need all facts with no room for opinion to get to recognition. The operative phrase that takers need to hear over and over again is, “You are entitled to your own opinion but not your own set of facts.”

Takers’ opinions are that they are entitled; givers don’t believe they deserve anything.

Here’s the conundrum: You cannot get something you are unwilling to give or receive. You can’t display the feeling until you are capable of feeling it.

Givers and takers are like any fringe movement – they have extreme positions. Walking them back to the middle may be more than you can handle or are capable of. The road back to balance starts with recognition. All you can do is hold up a mirror and show them themselves. If they don’t see their image, you may have a vampire in your midst. Stock up on garlic and save you rhetoric. It won’t change them.

Like most behavior, it’s easier to recognize it in another than it is for us to see it in ourselves. If you recognize a part of you in here, congratulations, it’s a start.

If this strikes you as blather, there won’t be any room for give and take.

All the best,

John

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Seems everyone has their favorite season. Mine is summer.

I love the warm weather along with the summer outdoor activities – beach, golf, exercise, barbeques, etc.

For me, spring is when things come alive; summer is when you fully enjoy them.

Sun made iced tea with a wedge of lemon and I’m happy as a clam. Oh yea, and I love seafood even more in the summer.

Today is the first day of summer. Let it serve as a reminder of the things you love and are grateful for, and take time to celebrate them.

Happy Summer Solstice!

John

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The Grasshopper woke me up way too early this morning with a turn of a phrase. He chirped, “All the glitters isn’t sold.”

We were all up late watching Game 7 of the NBA
Finals and I wasn’t too anxious to join the world of the wide awake.

I kept falling back to sleep but that phrase kept waking me up. I knew there was something to it or it wouldn’t keep nudging me to flesh it out.

Once I pushed the cobwebs aside, the word “Packaging” came into view.

In my mind’s eye, I saw a bar with peanut shells scattered all across the floor and it became clear where all packaging winds up.

We keep attempting to sell ourselves as our packaging when time after time it gets cracked and tossed aside.

I’m reminded of the words of the famous American Psychiatrist, Dr. Milton Erickson. He was describing two other notable men, Richard Bandler and John Grinder who were studying and categorizing his highly successful methods. He roughly said of them, “They have the shell but they don’t have the nut.”

How much time do we have to spend shining up a car that we can’t sell before we figure out that we have to get it to run first?

Reminds me of a quick story . . . I used to work with a guy who never combed the back of his hair. My guess about his habit was: If he didn’t see it, it must not be visible.

How often do we miss seeing our essence that’s hidden inside of our shell by spending time, as the old expression goes, “polishing a turd”? Ewwwww!

If all you have to sell is packaging, it won’t be too long before you have nothing to sell. It may be time to invest in some personal research and development and start glittering from the inside out.

It’s really a matter of shifting focus. You can continue making efforts to have your house have “curbside appeal,” but until you get rid of the termites you have nothing you can sell.

If you haven’t yet taken the time to spend some regular quiet time, I highly recommend it. It’s here that you will discover your marketable talent which is simply, letting what’s on the inside out. No polishing necessary.

All the best,

John

P.S. Happy Father’s Day to all the deserving Dads.

P.P.S. Our HERE COMES SUMMER HALF PRICE SALE at http://johnmorganseminars.com ends Sunday at Midnight.

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How many exclamation points do you use?

No one can cite the correct amount but everyone is turned off by too many.

Exclamations are generally used as an emphasis or to indicate excitement. Wow!

When there is too much emphasis or too much excitement, they lose their impact.

How often do we abuse another, rhyming E-word – Explanation?

When you explain yourself too often, your explanations become devoid of oomph.

The real question is: How often do you explain yourself?

When you discover that you are forever explaining yourself, you can begin the self correcting of your own personal grammar. This causes you to look over your exclaiming and stop doing the things you find yourself continually explaining.

Too much explaining/exclaiming is the telltale sign of denial. What are you denying with such emphasis?

Whenever I see lots of exclamation points in an ad, I know the writer is either a novice or doesn’t believe in the product. Whenever I hear lots of explanations from people, I know they are denying and lying.

Shakespeare was onto this practice many moons ago when he penned this line in Hamlet: “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

Some will explain themselves until they can no longer draw breath to do so. There is no help for them. They are so immersed in who they believe themselves to be, they will lie and deny, and never let that part of them die. They’ll think this blog post is for someone else.

This observation is for all of us. You aren’t going to change something unless you’re aware of it. Become aware of your explanations and exclamations and see if you are offering too much punctuation.

All the best,

John

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Part of the plan to welcome something new into your life is making room for it.

Those who have children have experience with this phenomenon.

Making room, initially, is not a painless practice, just a necessary one. That which you make room for makes you roomier.

Making room engages your flexibility, and as the old adage goes, “The more flexible you are, the more you win.”

In politics, making room is known as the “Big Tent” – making room for people in your club who have divergent views.

If you are satisfied with what you have now – relationships, health, possessions, knowledge, attitude, etc. – you have already mastered making room. If you are lacking in any of those areas, making room is the skill you’ll want to get curious about and develop.

If you are “set in your ways,” it’s more difficult to make room.

“Set in your ways” is another way of saying that you’ve been conditioned to the “rightness” of your way. The biggest difficulty I’ve experience with that point of view is that it’s very pointed and keeps people away. That means there are fewer folks to make room for because not many are willing to risk getting stabbed that often.

The biggest kept secret from those unwilling to make room is that we get what we want in life from other people. If you don’t make room for them, you are left alone with, as The Beatles called it, your “Nowhere Plans.”

Making room is an acquired taste for many. It takes practice. Like all treks in life, it begins with small steps. Condition yourself to engage your flexibility and make room for something small at first, and then continue to stretch that muscle.

After repeated practice, you’ll develop a sense of what’s worth making room for and what’s too big to fit in your tent.

Caution: If you only do this exercise in your head, you’ll never own the experience of stretching out and you’ll have no space for something new.

Making room is a redecorating project worthy of being featured on the DIY Network.

When you open a space for something new, you open yourself up to more of life’s gifts.

Who wants to be the next person to tear down a wall?

All the best,

John

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It was a weekend of celebration. My grandson graduated from high school. It was one of life’s milestones. We all attended the ceremony and a grand party in his honor.

It struck me that the word “Milestone” is not far off from the spelling of “Millstone,” and I got to wondering how the two were related.

It seems when some people hit certain milestones, they become a millstone around their neck. I don’t believe there is any bigger one than age.

The number of people who go into stark depression when approaching a “magic” birthday is a pandemic.

You have to love the advertising community. They, long ago, picked up on this phenomenon and have given us such memorable trinkets as “over the hill” greeting cards and T-shirts.

The saddest thing is that we have put the millstone around our own neck by treating a milestone with disrespect.

Celebrate your years here. Taking time to dread a milestone decreases the vibrancy that’s always available to you at any age.

By the way, there is nothing you can do about your actual age except lie about it.

The accent is always on the wrong syllable when you dwell on age.

As I’ve mentioned before, the life force that animates you never ages. It’s to be celebrated and cherished every day.

When I see someone who’s depressed about their age, I know I’m dealing with someone who hasn’t explored their depth. A millstone will drag you down, but it will never take you deeper.

This is a reminder to put the millstones and the grindstones away so you stop working so hard against yourself.

Happy Birthday!

All the best,

John

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