It may sound odd to you, but the opposite of losing for me is not winning.

It used to be until I examined it more closely.

Winning and losing are culturally joined at the hip, which means they seem as though are the only two options on the continuum. They’re not.

In the past, winning for me was about being right, and as The Grasshopper reminded us many moons ago, continually staking your claim to being right leaves you left out.

The opposite of losing for me is getting through. That’s my win.

Getting through is not getting people to see it my way. That would be too much like being right.

Getting through is getting them to see that their way isn’t working. Getting through to yourself also follows the same guideline.

It’s amazing to me the number of times we retreat back to a position that doesn’t work. We have a history of our way not working, yet we cling to that rock as though it’s a life preserver.

There is something eerily comfortable about that which doesn’t work. That’s why getting through is so hard.

My livelihood depends on me being able to get through. It’s what I make an effort to do. I attempt to lead people to paths away from their grooved path, often called a rut. I don’t offer step-by-step instructions because that suggests there is a right direction to go. What I find is this: Once people finally discover their ingrained ways won’t work, they find their own path.

There are some people you and I will never get through to. Again, it’s not selling them on our position, but rather having them notice that their position is on shaky ground.

That ground shake makes them feel alive. It’s why they are unsettled. It’s as though they have to stick themselves with pins to prove they exist. Their main problem is that the pain has become all too familiar, so getting through it is highly unlikely.

They cannot shed being right, even though right feels so wrong. Their win is a loss.

If winning is the only goal, losing will be your destiny.

One thing I know to be true, we all lose when we can’t get through.

All the best,

John

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“Some deals are not offered to some customers,” so said The Grasshopper this morning.

It reminded me of a story . . .

Yesterday I was in Borders Books waiting in line at the information desk to see where they moved the Photography section. This annoying woman came to the front of the line and started asking the man at the desk, who was assisting another customer, if she could get an additional discount on an already, on sale item because the cardboard box it came in was ripped in places. The merchandise inside was fine but the box, which likely would be discarded upon opening, was ripped.

The man told her the merchandise was fine and there was no additional discount. It was a clearance item. This did not stop her from butting up in line, but also continuing with her pitch. She said it looked awful and there should be an additional discount. The man said he wasn’t authorized to lower the price. That would have been it for most folks, but not this person. She continued, “You couldn’t knock off an additional 10%?” The clerk then said, “O.K., I can take off another 10%, but only 10.”

How many morals can you come up with for this story? The squeaky wheel gets the grease? Annoying customers will not be denied? Pushy people will always be pushy?

I had a different take away. Some people won’t get offers that others receive because they don’t ask.

You may argue as I did that there is a better way of asking, but you can’t argue with the results. She was going home with her Burt’s Bees Balm, saving an additional 10%.

So why don’t we ask?

We’re afraid about how we’ll be perceived and/or assume that the answer will be “No.”

Years ago, I learned something from Jerry Stocking that has stuck with me since. He said, “You can ask anything of anyone if you’re not invested in what their answer has to be.”

It’s the investment in the answer that keeps us from asking. We would be better served being invested in the question.

I’ve written before that I’m not a big proponent of hinting. It certainly has its place, but its batting average is in the basement when compared to asking. Asking has deeper applications than getting discounts at Borders. It applies to every area of our lives.

Here’s a recommendation for today and beyond: Ask and ask often. It will get you access to offers others will never receive.

All the best,

John

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These two words have been occupying space in my head for some time now and seem to be begging for some sort of explanation. I have no idea where this will go, so let me explore them.

There seems to be a correlation between predictable and predictability. One seems more fact based and the other more like a weatherman – hit and miss.

The correlation goes like this: Seasons are predictable but the predictability of early June being this hot on the east coast isn’t.

But it gets more complicated when you’re not talking about the weather.

For example: Human nature is predictable; but the predictability of a specific storm isn’t.

I’m always sadly amused when someone tries to explain why someone did something awful, like a mass shooting. When we see the back story on the individual, most of us could have predicted they were an accident waiting to happen, but the predictability of when they would self destruct is a guessing game, like the weather.

You may have a better guessing mechanism than others when it comes to predicting future events that are unpredictable, but even you get the unexpected wind blowing in your face.

So what’s the best use of predictable and predictability?

When you have the recognition that something is about to happen but you don’t know when, that’s the time to plan for contingencies.

Life insurance is one of those plans. You know you’re going to go, but not when.

Planning for contingencies will never happen when we buy into the illusion that predictable events will only happen to other people. It’s a game of denial we all play to some degree. When you see dark clouds on the horizon, that’s time to seek shelter, not bet against the odds.

When we don’t consider contingencies, we are at the mercy of the elements.

This applies to all areas of our lives – family, business, careers, relationships, etc.

The great musical poet, Bob Dylan wrote these words: “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.”

We are all pretty adept at predicting the predictable, but we come up short preparing contingencies.

The old advice is pretty apt here: If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you would be well served to have a plan to duck, especially if these wild ducks look like they are about to fly overhead and make a deposit on you.

When you hope against hope, you hang yourself with your own rope.

If contingency is currently not in your dictionary, may I highly recommend that you buy an up-to-date volume. That way, you become like a savvy sailor and can move out of harm’s way no matter which way the wind blows.

All the best,

John

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There is a lot of equivalence in the news and in the world; it acts as a distraction and delays a solution.

Our equivalence comes out when we are defending something that’s not defensible.

Take the current news story of congressman, Anthony Weiner. Weiner has engaged in some questionable behavior. The news media initially castigated him for lying to them about it, and now some are defending him with equivalence.

They are asking, “If congressmen of the other party have done such deeds and were not asked to resign, why is Anthony Weiner being asked to resign?”

The argument has shifted to resignation via equivalence. The main issue is no longer the issue – questionable behavior.

My guy with questionable behavior should be able to stay in office because your guy with questionable behavior was able to. Is anyone missing the fact that they’re defending the behavior in the name of fairness?

The argument is basically this: My guy is no worse than you guy, therefore he should be allowed to remain in office. The issue of whether they’re fit for office gets buried in the equivalence argument.

Equivalence just changes the argument from what the issue is to another issue. It’s fun theatre, but it’s a diversion and it keeps the main issue buried under a mountain of equivalence.

I don’t care about congressman Weiner’s situation, other than it points up how we get caught up in equivalence and obscure the foundational issue.

Have you ever been involved in an argument and got so engrossed with winning that you forgot what you were arguing about? You can bet that equivalence was there cheering you on to escalate it to another level.

If you are looking for a solution, equivalence will not get you there. It will only extend the argument.

You are being sidetracked by equivalence when you buy into the myth that there is an argument that will end the argument. There isn’t.

Take a breath today and find out if equivalence is alive and well in your life. If so, let it act as a reminder that you are moving away from a solution each time you use it.

To find a solution we must first call for the resignation of equivalence.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper made me scratch my head this morning when he left this on my doorstep: “You’re accountable even though you’re not responsible.”

It didn’t make immediate sense, but after a morning cup of tea, it became apparent to me.

Parents are accountable for the sins of their children. Mom or Dad didn’t throw the rock through the neighbor’s window but they’re going to have to go into their bank account to pay for it. They’re being held accountable for something for which they weren’t responsible.

That’s an easy one to understand.

Where it gets a bit more dicey is when you’re held accountable for other things you’re not responsible for, and that you’re totally unaware of.

Patterns come to mind. How many of our patterns are we unaware of, not responsible for, yet pay the price for every day?

The answer is: Too many to count.

We all have a certain way of behaving that we had nothing to do with acquiring. Furthermore, we are unaware that we are running that behavior, and are being held accountable for that which we are not responsible.

Has anyone ever nastily said to you, “You’re just like your mother, father, older sister or brother?

That type accusation is rarely met with a question like: “In what way?” It’s usually met with resistance of some sort.

Chances are a portion of their observation was accurate but in the heat of the moment you didn’t take time to consider it.

We inherit mannerisms and patterns of behavior from those who came before us even though we haven’t read their will. These are little routines that we run that we are totally oblivious to; much like that most people don’t recognize they speak in the accent they grew up around.

Reminds me of a quick story . . .

We were doing a seminar in Macon, GA a few years back and were checking out the meeting room early in the day to make sure all was set up properly for that evening. The hotel manager said he would meet us at 1 PM and we would go over the details. He was an Indian-American who was born and raised in Bombay which is now Mumbai. He said in his distinct Indian accent, “I would do it now but I’m fixin’ to go to lunch.”

He had nothing to do with acquiring an Indian accent but he was accountable for making us laugh when he cross-pollinated cultures.

We are paying for things we don’t know we bought.

Here is something most people won’t do. They go on a series of job interviews with the same employer and then find out that they didn’t get the job. Most will be disappointed and take it in stride, a few will call up and complain that they should have been hired, but few to none will inquire about what they were missing not to be the final selection.

If you’re being held accountable, it’s in your best interest to know what you are paying for.

Reminds me of another story . . .

Years ago, I was invited in for an interview for the position of program director for a radio station. I was meeting with the person who would make the decision and he told me I was the 32^nd person he had interviewed for the job. I asked him where I stacked up. He said, “Number 2.” I then asked, “What do I have to do to be number 1?” He laid out two things that I would have to do in order to move up to the number 1 position. As it turned out, I was unwilling to do one of the things.

I could have guessed forever why I didn’t get the job, but I took the time to inquire, in advance, about my potential shortcomings. I knew what I was paying for.

We’ll never figure out all our patterns but it’s helpful to discover the ones that are getting in our way. One way to find them is to look at an area of your life where you consistently don’t get the results you’re going after. The house money is betting there is a pattern of behavior there of which you are unaware.

You absorbed some behavior along the way that is thwarting your efforts at every turn. Even though you weren’t responsible for being a sponge, you’re the one who’s getting squeezed to pay the price.

Once you entertain that there’s a pattern of behavior that’s sitting beneath the surface causing you harm, then it becomes easier to find it. Too often we just won’t entertain the idea that it’s something we’re doing. And like any other shortcoming, it’s easier to spot in someone else.

It’s the pursuit of the unknown pattern that starts the discovery ball rolling. Just get curious about what you may be doing to hold yourself back. If you’re really brave, ask someone close to you. They’ll know.

You may have gotten this way by accident, but your feet will be held to the fire until you inquire.

If you’re paying the piper, it’s helpful to find out what you’re paying for.

All the best,

John

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One of the many synonyms for the word “Indelible” is “Unforgettable.”

There are things that leave such a permanent mark on you that you’ll never forget them. They’re indelible.

The first time I encountered the word was as a child when I heard about indelible ink. It couldn’t be removed no matter what. Then the next usage for the word came from the nuns who taught me. “Sins will make an indelible mark on your soul.” Leave it to the good sisters to come up with a negative definition for the word.

Indelible has a different meaning for me now.

There was an indelible mark placed on our soul, but it wasn’t sinful. It was a homing device.

The sin is forgetting that we have an unforgettable part of us.

There is a part of us that we can’t forget about; it’s always beaming a signal to bring us home.

It’s running in the background 24/7 and it never breaks down. It’s like a lighthouse beam that perpetually shines, even on the foggiest of nights.

We were born as a complete package. We came with everything we needed no matter how flawed our conditioning taught us we were.

In spite of all the limitations we learned that crowded out our completeness, there is always an indelible mark that can’t be removed no matter what. That indelible mark leads us back to the treasure we left behind.

Everyone is trying to complete the loop to get back home to completeness. We know completeness is there because it’s indelibly etched in our soul.

We start out searching for completeness outside of ourselves because that’s what we’ve been taught. It’s an outward journey with thrills and chills like an amusement ride with loops, bends and sharp turns, but it always takes you to the same place – back to square one.

We spend most of our lives in the amusement park pretending we are home.

But we know we’re not home because of the empty feeling we have. It’s hard sating your appetite with cotton candy.

The trip back home begins with the recognition that completeness is not out there. Once we make that discovery, we can turn the corner and head for home.

Home is where we are complete, a place we’ve forgotten about, but it has never forgotten us. It keeps sending us signals lighting the way.

If you keep coming up empty on your outward trip, chances are it’s time to turn around and head in the opposite direction and complete the trip back to completeness.

When you discover the indelible part of you that’s always enough, you are complete. You can then lay your head down anywhere and always feel at home.

All the best,

John

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I can tell you from personal experience that walking on hot coals is easier than walking on eggshells.

Eggshell walking will drive you to drink, or worse.

Walking on eggshells is a great skill to have but it can only be effective in small doses. When omelets are always the main course, Humpty Dumpty’s fall can easily be predicted.

We are all involved in relationships – partners, spouses, children, parents, family members, friends and acquaintances. A relationship’s future can easily be predicted by the amount of eggshell walking that’s done.

If you have to walk on eggshells around someone, it’s only a matter of time before that relationship ends.

There will be no surprise when someone who ends this type of relationship tells you their news because they will have egg all over their face.

One of the best pieces of wisdom I came across many years ago was this: Teach people how to treat you. That means when something truly bothers you, address it early on, because if you wait, the yoke’s on you.

Withholding is a disservice we all do to ourselves. If it’s continued over time, it will cause us to crack up.

Just about everyone knows the quote, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” What they may not know is the lead-up sentence to that quote from the ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu. It reads, “Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”

Eggshell may be the color that goes with everything when painting a room, but as a way of life it keeps your emotions cooped up way too long.

If you’re already in that type of relationship, I feel sorry for you, but my sympathy won’t help. Even though the best advice is to address eggshell behavior when it first surfaces, you may have ignored that sage wisdom. It still may not be too late if you finally decide to address the chicken in the room.

Something as easy as, “When you do _______, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to keep this relationship together” will begin to address the issue.

People have to know you are walking on eggshells around them in order for the eggshell walking to stop. Rather than talk exclusively about what they’re doing, it’s more personal and effective when you express how you feel about it.

If your relationship with someone is not all it’s cracked up to be, perhaps it’s time to stop walking on eggshells.

It may save you from a lifetime of playing chicken.

All the best,

John

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One of the definitions for the word “Sophisticated” is “Complicated,” as in we’ve made something simple, complicated.

We’ve added layers of sophistication or complication to our lives that make it difficult for us to get back to true north.

Over the holiday weekend, I went to a beautiful, local park with the express purpose of taking some photographs. I got more than some great pictures; I got a glimpse back at uncomplicated life.

There were scores of people having family gatherings and picnics in the park. Kids were flying kites, throwing frisbees and playing tag. The adults were laughing and telling stories and bringing out home prepared food for everyone to eat. It was totally unsophisticated and wonderful to watch.

Then yesterday, I got to watch uncomplicated life play out again. I got to spend some time with my three granddaughters at a barbeque at my son’s house. They were living life to its fullest on this very hot day – They were running through the sprinkler. It reminded me of being a kid when it was hot in the city. Someone would open up a fire hydrant and we would all run through the splashing water – Heaven on earth.

These two slices of life just served to remind me how far our sophistication has taken us away from the simple enjoyment of life.

How often have we said, “When I have this, I’ll be happy”? Happiness doesn’t require a “This.” That’s the complicated side of sophistication rearing its ugly head. We’ve convinced ourselves that we need more than we are to enjoy life. It’s just not the case – never has been and never will be.

When our goal is sophistication, our lives get complicated because we are chasing that which can’t complete us. The piece we miss in the chase is that we are already complete, already enough.

This is not an argument against the finer things in life; it’s more of a focus on the lost focus of life’s simpler things.

Money couldn’t buy what I experienced over the holiday weekend. You may argue that life is more complicated than a walk in the park, but, from my perspective, not much more.

All the best,

John

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About 25 years ago, I uttered these words to someone out of frustration: “You are your own reward.”

I was attempting to insult them because I thought they were acting spinelessly in a situation that affected me. My intent was to let them know they had to live with themselves, and that couldn’t be very inviting.

It wasn’t until much later that I came to the realization that my observation is universally true for all of us, at all times – We are all our own reward.

We live with ourselves 24/7. It’s either a welcoming place or it’s not.

What are we coming home to each day?

In the past, when I observed someone acting miserable, I would label them as such and shun them as though they had a contagious disease.

I’m still not entirely comfortable around miserable people, but I have more empathy for them now. It arose out of nowhere one day when I said these words: “Imagine what it’s like having to live inside their head.”

We all come back to the same mooring post each day and our life will be affected by the thoughts we are harboring.

The standard self help prescriptions don’t seem to work: “Change your thoughts, change your life” or my personal favorite, “Think positive.”

A positive thought doesn’t cancel a negative thought; it just sets up an internal argument.

There is a process that makes what you think more rewarding – Noticing your thinking.

Timing is everything in this process. The key is to catch yourself in mid thought and just observe your thoughts as though you are a third party.

The key for this to be effective is to just witness your thoughts as they go by, not judge them or engage them. What you will discover by noticing your thoughts is that your thoughts think you, not the other way around.

If the thoughts in your head are not welcoming thoughts, begin to observe them as though you are watching a movie. We all have the ability to do this simple process.

The reward is that, when observed, thoughts have less of a hold on you.

When you are watching your thoughts, you aren’t engaging with your thoughts, which gives them no one to argue with and they begin to fade away.

This isn’t a one-time quick fix. They will come back to tempt you into an argument. Did you ever notice that some people like to argue for argument’s sake? Your thoughts are the same way. That’s why some people are more miserable than others; they’re inside arguing with their thoughts.

By observing your thoughts, you are training yourself not to argue with them. The more adept you get at observation, the less you’ll deal with unwelcomed thoughts. When observed, thoughts know they can’t goad you into fighting and they come back less often.

Since we are all our own reward, observation insures that we are properly rewarded.

All the best,

John

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I may have written about this before; it’s tougher to remember as I get older, so this is my take on DOs and DON’Ts.

We give too much attention to what we don’t want and too little attention to what we do want and the result is this:

We spend too much time evaluating and precious little focus on doing.

Goals are easier to reach when they are in focus. What keeps them fuzzy is spending the lion’s share of time culling through options that will never be chosen.

It’s an easy trap to fall into because “DON’T WANTS” have a lot of opinions attached to them, and who doesn’t like giving their opinion?

“I don’t want the yellow one because that’s not the color that signifies the message I’m trying to present. It’s too middle-of-the-road and it doesn’t present a strong image that’s needed in these times when people are looking for solid approaches, blah, blah.”

That rant could go on for days if you let it.

The trick is to notice that you are focusing on what you don’t want. That strategy serves as a detour away from what you do want.

DOs and DON’Ts are time management options. If you want to fritter your time away and stay further from your goal, choose “Don’t.”

“DO” is a more direct road to your desire, and it’s easier to formulate a strategy to get there when you can see your destination.

Reminds me of a story . . .

My mother was old school when it came to credit. Yes, she had a mortgage and car payment and eventually had a credit card, one that she paid in full each month. When she wanted something, she would find out how much it cost and determine how much money she would have to save each week in order to get it. The financial plan and its execution came after she decided what she did want.

It amazing how we seem to find a way when we decide what we DO want.

Here’s a suggestion: DO take a few moments and evaluate your personal DOs and DON’Ts strategy. What you may find is that what you DO want is closer than you think, especially if you take the time to bypass the DONTs.

Final thought: It’s productive to look before you leap, just make sure you don’t get sidetracked by playing leapfrog.

All the best,

John

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