Have you ever asked yourself, “What am I doing with my life?” The Grasshopper offered this answer to the question: “Whatever you’re doing now is what you’re doing with your life.“

The real question is: What are you doing with the energy of your life?
Your energy is only present right now. It’s not in the past or in the future; it’s only here now. So whatever you’re doing with your energy right now is what you’re doing with your life.

Are you fretting now? Then that’s what you’re doing with your life. Are you working towards a goal right now? Then that’s what you’re doing with your life.

The question can be accurately answered in each moment by noticing what you’re doing in that moment.

“I’m not spending enough time with my kids or on my job or hobby or with my spouse or lover” are declarations about not living the life you want. Rather than listing what you’re not doing with your life, start now by doing any of those things; then you’ll be able to confidently declare: “I’m doing what I want with my life.”

Life only happens now. Please read that sentence again. Whatever you are doing now is what you’re doing with your life.

Start using the energy of now to do what you want rather than wasting your energy citing what you don’t want. You already know what you don’t want. Reminding yourself over and over is as silly as saying your name repeatedly to yourself so you won’t forget it.

The energy of now can be used in any fashion you choose. Channel your life’s energy towards doing what you want to do and do it now!

You don’t have to climb a mountain in a day. Use the energy of now to step in the direction of the climb. Then you can answer the age old question with “I’m stepping in the direction of doing what I want now.”

You have to step out of your head to take the first step. So stop philosophizing about the why and wherefore of what isn’t happening and start noticing what is. Then you’ll have a handle on what you’re doing with your life and if it needs adjustment, use the energy of now to take the first step in that direction.

Life only happens now. So here’s a new question: What are you doing with the energy of now?

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper offered an early springtime blossom this morning: “It’s irrelevant how you felt then; it’s only relevant how you feel now.”

“I felt so betrayed.”

“I felt so helpless.”

“I felt so angry.”

Notice how all those phrases are in the past tense and notice how they drag you into the past.

Some therapists make their living by inviting these phrases. Is it any wonder that people who remain in therapy for years don’t show any appreciable forward movement.

The past tense keeps you in the past.

Notice your past tense language and you’ll get a handle on how you keep yourself there.

For many, the past is kept alive even though it’s dead and buried. Digging up the corpse again isn’t going to breathe life into your life. It has never worked and never will work but that doesn’t keep us from a steady diet of repasting on the past. Here’s the rub: Even the memory of a wonderful dinner won’t sate your appetite now.

What are your feelings now?

If you examine your situation closely, you’re not “betrayed,” “helpless” or “angry” now; you only get those feelings when you entertain how you felt then. I call that “feeling bad on purpose.”

What’s the purpose? It’s certainly not going to project you forward.

I request that you start monitoring your language and see how much of it is in the past tense. The more you start to focus on now, the more you begin to move on.

What’s going on now is your life; what was going on then may be the death of you if you keep it alive. The key to feeling less tense is to change your past tense.

All the best,

John

I think everyone can admit to having a demon or two but my sense is that none is more limiting than the Demon of Denial.

We all deny and I’m sure I’m not the first to recognize that “deny” does more than rhyme with “lie”; they’re interchangable.

So what’s the big lie that we deny? It’s that we had anything to do with our current lot in life.

As long as we deny that we’re not part of the problem, the solution lies out there somewhere.

I’m reminded of the Byron Katie quote from her book Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life: “As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”

The problem and the solution are not anywhere but where you are now. You’ll avoid the solution as long as you contend that what’s going on with you has nothing to do with what you’ve done. That’s the Demon of Denial in full costume.

Notice how quickly we accept responsibility for something that came out smelling like a rose but are quick to abdicate our part in a situation that smells like an elephant fart.

The elephant in the room is the Demon of Denial.

Talk with any AA counselor and you’ll find their hardest job is to get an alcohol abuser past the denial that alcohol is interfering with the quality of their life. The same is true with abusers of all sorts. If you abuse your body with any sort of overconsumption and deny you had anything to do with the results, your demon has taken you over and your situation remains as Katie says, “hopeless.”

The only hope you have to getting to a solution is to dissolve your denial.

That starts with the bold notion that we play a part in everything that goes on in our life. Have you ever been fired from a job? Notice that the last line you’ll utter is, “It was my fault.”

Did you play any part in your dismissal? Divorce? Disease? Or detriment of any sort? if you answered “no,” it will remain problematic and an unsolved mystery to you.

When we remove ourselves from cause and effect, the effect is denial – a demon that keeps us in place.

Pretend you are an actor who had a cameo role in a bad movie but repeatedly deny, to whomever will listen, that you were ever in it. The evidence is there for anyone to see except those still hanging on to denial.

When you admit that you’re part of the problem, the weight of the problem lessens and the search for a solution begins. You’ll never take the first step towards a solution until you get the devil to stop denying the details.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper woke me up with this: “All your grudges die when you do.”

Wow! No more grudges! “But do I have to die for them to die?” was my question.

The answer is “yes” and “no.”

Yes, the energy has to leave our body to die but, no, we don’t have to physically die for the energy to leave a grudge.

Letting a grudge lose its energy will take more than a declaration on your part, but it’s a start. Recognizing that a grudge zaps more energy from you than does digesting Thanksgiving dinner is reason enough to craft a plan for its demise.

Recognizing that your grudge is hurting you more than whomever you’re holding it against is helpful in getting you started on the process. You gain extra credit if you notice that the grudge you’re holding is against someone who’s already dead. When that becomes “laugh out loud funny” to you, you know your grudge is at death’s door.

I don’t have a step-by-step method to offer but I do have one exercise that’s worth practicing. I call it a “Grudge Match.”

You can physically do this exercise or just do it in your imagination. It will have an effect either way.

Write down your grudge on a small piece of paper or draw a picture or symbol that represents your grudge. Next, go to a nearby sink and set fire to the paper and watch what was burning you up, burn up. If you’re afraid of setting the house on fire, do it in your imagination. Again, either way has an effect.

The flames represent the energy necessary to keep the grudge alive. As you watch them die out, your grudge begins to move to the great beyond.

You can be lectured from here to eternity about the sinfulness and ill effects of grudges but that hasn’t worked on you so far, so I offer one little match that has more burning power than Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow.

You’ll probably have to do this exercise more than once to get a lasting effect but the results are to die for.

All the best,

John

I have this notion that life is about addition and subtraction. The first portion of our life is a process of adding things we believe we need to succeed in life. The second portion is about subtracting the superfluous – the bright and shiny things we found we didn’t need.

“Things,” in this context, is a broad concept that includes ideas and beliefs.

What I find that many people are doing in the subtracting phase is contracting instead. That means they are withdrawing rather than expanding.

Many contract into their life-long prejudices rather than subtracting them. Others contract into their ethnicity, race, religion or ideologic view rather than pursue a more ecumenical world view.

When you contract, you withdraw from the world and create an exclusionary one of your own.

Contraction, based on my observances over the years, causes physical contraction in your body. It doesn’t surprise me that people who have been described as “tight” (rhymes with right) wind up with crippling arthritis or constriction of blood vessels causing circulation and heart problems – long before the rest of the population.

While arguing to be right, they continue to contract and add to their physical misery.

It’s not necessary for these people to have a wholesale change of opinion, just a bit of a subtraction process that demonstrates to them that their opinion doesn’t matter. By subtracting, they find out who they are without their opinions. This causes expansion.

There is an expansion within their bodies as well. I’ve seen it too many times to deny that expansion gets people healthier and, dare I say, happier.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff because it’s all small stuff” is a great mantra for those seeking expansion. Life will go on when your constricting opinions die with you. Look at anyone you deem to be “really old and healthy” and notice that they aren’t contracting. They’ve just subtracted what doesn’t really matter.

All the best,

John

Most of us have been exposed to the notion of taking care of our little corner of the world as being our contribution to the globe. I wonder how it works in reverse.

What happens when you think globally? My sense is that doing so expands your options.

This is not a “Save the Planet” post, just a suggestion that considering the whole expands your little corner of the world.

What is the whole? I’m not quite sure but I know it contains all the tiny corners.

A circle has 360 degrees. Let’s pretend the circle represents the whole and each one of its 360 degrees represents a part. How often do we stand on the same degree mark and interpret the world from there? There are 359 other angles of approach but we stay stuck on one.

The more we move ourselves around the circle and view our world from different angles, the more global we get.

This global strategy can be experienced by putting into practice the title of an old song: “Walk A Mile In My Shoes.”

It seems to me that “Hooray for our Side” is at epidemic proportions. That’s local and limiting. It doesn’t matter what the topic, the more you stay local, the more you stay in conflict, and we justify that stance by clamoring that we are right.

We remain in a constant state of conflict when we stay stuck in our own little world. Just shift your position a degree or two and find out for yourself that global options mean less war for you.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper had this to say last night: “Get to the silver lining quicker.”

It sounds like another version of “Hindsight is 20-20” on first blush, but it seems more “proactive” – (a word I’ve come to loathe).

Finding the silver lining before you normally do shortens the storm.

So how do we find the silver lining before we get to hindsight?

Notice that much of the interference preventing us from getting to the silver lining is the mental cloud of dust we foster by focusing on what can’t be done or what can’t happen. That’s a self fulfilling prophecy that feeds on itself.

The silver lining of a situation presents itself when we start asking possibility questions like: “What would happen if I could?” That doesn’t insure that you’ll find your way out of your fix but it certainly presents more options.

“What would happen if . . . ?” isn’t a silver bullet but it will help you hit the mark more often rather than being pinned down by pessimism.

Too many of us wait too long for our silver lining to reflect how a life challenge benefited us. It’s possible to get to the benefit stage sooner. Start asking possibility questions and you’ll kick in your inner masked man and ride towards some action.

Hi-Yo Silver, Away!

All the best,

John

I was struck with another self imposed stumbling block to success the other day – Thinking like an Employee.

I have been an employee and an employer over the years and here’s my experience: The people who remain at the water cooler talking about their lot in life are thinking like employees. The modern day water cooler is social media and the same folks are there complaining.

Employees who don’t think like employees are capable of seeing a bigger picture – one that includes more people than themselves. Employee thinking is generally self-centered and exclusionary of others.

I have been guilty of employee thinking in the past and I can testify that it didn’t serve me well. Employee thinking is loaded with victimization and persecution. As long as you remain in that frame of mind, you’ll stay stuck in “employee-ville.”

I don’t need to know anything personal about some people I see on Facebook to know they’re forever bumping up against life. Their posts give them away. The passive-aggressive striking out that they do lets me know they think like an employee.

People who move past employee thinking leave behind the phrase “It’s not my job.” If you’re an employer, you know that every one of your employees’ jobs is your job. Employer thinking is more inclusionary.

Generally what I find is that employees who don’t think like employees are more successful in their jobs and have more satisfaction in their life. If that sounds attractive you, then consider giving up thinking like an employee.

It may take some work to figure out that “the man” is not out to get you. Once you figure that out, it’s time to start thinking bigger picture. Start thinking past yourself and watch doors of opportunity begin to open. They are always there; they’re just not by the water cooler.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper left this at my snowy doorstep this morning: “Social grace has left this place.” It almost had the feel of “Elvis has left the building.”

Social graces are packing up and leaving town, sort of like the circus. The only difference is – the circus will be back. I wish I could say the same about social graces but I just don’t see the evidence.

Let me start with “please” and “thank you.” They’re a shadow of their former self. They used to be staples of our culture but have all but disappeared.

A large disappointment for me in the electronic age is someone you know not responding to a personal email, text, etc. You may have sent off a friendly request for this or that or just dropped them a note of thanks, or have sent them an article you saw online that made you think of them. The amount of “no response” is staggering and shows lack of social grace.

Here’s what I’ve found about many people lacking in social grace. They are struggling, usually financially, usually for a lifetime.

You may not have been taught social graces growing up which gives you a legitimate excuse for not having them. But once you learn of their existence and choose not to learn them, you will continue to struggle.

When I observe people on the fringes of life, I notice a lack of social grace which seems to be attached to an attitude of entitlement. They seem entitled to whatever it is that you offered and no thanks or acknowledgement is necessary.

Too bad you can’t live off entitlement because, if you could, these folks would be super rich. But they’re not. They are perpetually struggling.

I learned something from Jerry Stocking many years ago. He said if you change one thing, subtle shifts will take place within you and other things will change as well. I submit that if you start adopting social graces, you will start to reap other benefits as well.

Your sense of entitlement will begin to melt and fade away making room for more benefits to come your way.

There is a two-way street that opens up when you express thanks, rather than a one-way ticket to a life of lack.

I could have made all this up and, frankly, I did. But what if my notion is correct. Wouldn’t it be in your best interest to adopt social graces?

Only entitlement stands in the way of you finding a better way.

All the best,

John

Is it better to be the caretaker or the one taken care of? I guess it depends on who you ask.

For me, I prefer the caretaker role but I find it has a huge downside: You tend to not give people the opportunity to take care of you.

I’m certain the reverse is equally accurate: being cared for all the time doesn’t afford you much opportunity to be the caretaker.

Is there a middle ground? If so, how do we find our way there?

I don’t have an answer, just a suspicion. If you want to break out of your current mold, you have to ask for or agree to the opposite of what you naturally do. In the past, it’s been hard to ask and difficult to agree.

It’s hard for a caretaker to ask you to do something because they have been highly conditioned to be the doer. it’s hard for the cared for to ask for the opportunity to be the caretaker, because they have been highly conditioned to receive.

Push can come to shove when we seek the opposite. It’s like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry is arguing with his parents about who pays the check. Most of us have had moments similar to that.

It seems that the asking for the opposite has to come in little chunks and not in one, big, sweeping change. Sticking with the arguing for the check example, it could be something as simple as this: “It would give me great pleasure to be able to pay for our meal and it will give me some valuable practice to be just as generous as you.”

If you are the caretaker, entertain saying “Yes” when you normally say “No.” People will offer you care; you just have to allow them the opportunity to “do for you” from time to time.

We have so much invested in our roles that we forget we bankrupt ourselves and others when we don’t allow for the opportunity of role reversal.

Give it a go and see where it goes. You may discover that more people care about you than you ever knew or that you can take on more responsibility that benefits you.

All the best,

John