Dear Santa,

I know you are really busy this time of year prepping for the big day, so I thought I would offer my services helping you sort the naughty from the nice.

This should help speed things up and take some pressure off the elves.

Here are the people who should get non-burning coal in their stocking:

• ANYONE who leaves a shopping cart in the middle of a store parking lot. SIDE NOTE TO SANTA: If possible, could you have your sleigh ding their car door on Christmas Eve?

• ANYONE who knocks on doors selling their brand of religion.

• The person who invented Robo Calls.

• Any man under 50 who refers to his spouse as “The Wife.”

• Any parent who puts their child on a leash.

• People who still give fruitcakes as presents.

• White guys with completely shaved heads. (There was only one Mr. Clean).

• Anyone who smokes with children in the car.

• Anyone who starts every sentence with “I.”

• Anyone who likes the theme song for the HBO Show “Boardwalk Empire.”

• TV broadcasters who pronounce the word “Forward,” “Foe-ward.”

• Donald Trump’s hair stylist.

On first blush, this may seem like a list of pet peeves, Santa, but please trust me that these are really evil people.

I can provide more naughty folks if you find this list helpful. Just email me. Hope you and “The Mrs.” (another candidate for coal) have a wonderful holiday.

All the best,

Little Johnny

P.S. Are you responsible for radio stations starting to play Christmas music on Halloween?