The Grasshopper welcomed in summer with this turn of a phrase: “Aspersions cast a wide net.”

I was thinking about some aspersions cast my way back in the day and how devoid of facts they were. They were of the variety “I know that you did something” – something to which there were no supporting facts.

People who spout unsupported aspersions cast very wide nets – so wide, in fact, that all the fish slip through them and at the end of the day there is no catch.

Generally what I find is that arguing facts with an unsupported aspersion caster is fruitless. They are immune to evidence and consumed with conjecture. They are “goal post movers” of the highest order. That means when you completely blow their argument out of the water, they won’t acknowledge that but move on to another equally empty aspersion.

Here’s an example:

“You said you would do ‘X.'”

“When specifically did I say that?”

“I read it on your website.”

“Where specifically on my website did you see that?”

“I can’t remember but I saw it. Anyway, you didn’t do ‘X’ like you claimed.”

“I never stated or wrote that I would do ‘X.'”

“You should do ‘X’ and because you don’t, you’re a fraud.”

Having done a radio talk show in the past, I can tell you that the majority of the callers were baseless aspersion casters. It’s the same today and it’s one of the reasons I never listen to call-in talk shows.

I find that aspersion casters are perpetually angry and like to argue. I’m not and I don’t. If you want to have a factual discussion, I’m all in. If you just want to vent your spleen, call a talk show; I find that peachy keen – mainly because I won’t be listening.

All the best,

John

One of my friends posted this question on Facebook: “What’s wrong with people?”

I’m sure there are countless answers but if I had to sum it up in a word it would be, “Conditioning.”

You learned whatever is “right” or “wrong” with you somewhere and, by and large, it was learned at the knee of the people who helped shape you.

I initially laughed but was then saddened by the video clip that follows. (WARNING: NSFW)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vNoR4Yb4Gc

It involves two women who get into a fist fight in an Indiana Walmart over who knows what. The one woman has her 5 year old son with her. What she encourages him to do to the other woman was long-conditioned into him before this incident. That’s the sad part.

I have little doubt this child will carry these attitudes forward. And if we fast forward into the future, I suspect someone else will be asking “What’s wrong with people?” in an incident regarding him.

Many people defend their conditioning, not recognizing it’s not working for them.

It’s only when you begin to recognize what’s not working, that change has a chance of happening.

I have no doubt this woman is telling anyone who will listen that she’s a “good” mother. That’s a defense that will keep her conditioning in place and have her continue to pass it on to the impressionable minds she influences.

This isn’t about the women in Walmart; it’s about us. How much of our conditioning are we defending that isn’t working causing people to ask what’s wrong with us?

When we begin to recognize and address that, then we won’t be getting in fights in the conditioner aisle of our local Walmart.

All the best,

John

This post could easily be entitled FOR MEN ONLY because it’s about one of the things we men do that rarely works.

I don’t believe there’s a man alive who’s been in a male-female relationship that hasn’t experienced this phenomenon.

Your female partner says something aloud that’s troubling her. It could be anywhere between mundane and serious and our response is the same: We go into problem solving mode.

Even after years and years of this scenario playing out, we don’t get it.

The Grasshopper got it and gave it to me the other day: “They don’t want you to solve their problem; they just want to sound it out.”

They just want to get what’s running around in their head on an external speaker and hear what it sounds like outside their head.

“Sounding it out” is like writing their problem out on paper so they can explore what options are available. They really want to solve the problem themselves. We were just privy to what was supposed to be a private experience and we mistook it for and S.O.S.

We then reach for our tool belt and go into “fix it” mode, when all they wanted to do was unload.

“Hunter and Protector’ may be in a man’s DNA but it doesn’t mean we have to always “Save the Day.”

Unless they ask for our help, don’t assume they want it.

People are not helpless. We all have internal resources to call upon to address and assuage our troubles. We just have to be given an opportunity to use them.

If you’re a parent, you know there comes a time to back off and let your child solve their own problems. This gives them experience in coming up with their own resources when you’re not around to make everything better.

We men, especially, haven’t fully learned that lesson when it comes to our female partners.

I’m not an expert on relationships but this much seems like a pretty sure bet: If you think they’re looking to you for an answer, you’re all wet.

All the best,

John

I came across a phrase that jumped out at me from the book THE CALM CENTER by Steve Taylor: “Thought related pain.”

It occurred to me that all suffering is thought related pain. We all know what physical pain is: it’s felt in our body. We may not be aware that most pain we suffer is thought related.

The mental pain we experience begins with a thought and is sustained by thought.

When we are in emotional pain, its generator is thought.

We’re not going to stop thinking anytime soon, but we can begin to start noticing more. Noticing our thoughts, while they are happening, short circuits them and stops them from elongating thought related pain.

Notice that thought keeps mental pain alive. Then notice your thoughts. Just by observing your thoughts, you alleviate your suffering, which is thought related pain.

Observe your mind at work as a bystander vs. being a participant in the thought process, and you’ll open a drain for your pain.

Medication may take away your physical pain, but only you can end the suffering by noticing thought related pain.

All the best,

John

I was texting with a friend yesterday when the Grasshopper joined the texting generation and keystroked, “Bitterness knows no boundaries.”

It seems bitterness is painted with a wide brush. When you’re bitter, you cover everyone you come in contact with, with one coat.

We don’t seem to have any filters when we’re bitter. We curse around saints and sinners alike.

Bitterness is a form of anger, and like its twin emotion, it harms you more than it does those to whom you direct it.

We seem to think by spreading it around that we will be less affected by it. That’s another big lie we’ve been conditioned into.

Like any emotion, it’s better to bring presence to bitterness. That means to notice where the sensation of bitterness shows up in your body and just sit with it. Don’t attempt to chase it away or assign it a cause – just notice it and feel it. That’s when transmutation happens.

I think of transmutation as laundering your emotions. The washing away happens when we notice the dirt and choose to pay attention to it, without blaming a cause. What does it matter that a unicorn threw up on you? The only thing that matters is getting clean.

Bitterness will not go away with time; it needs your time and attention to get it to wash away.

If you’re tired of being bitter and experiencing the havoc it’s causing you, schedule a laundry day and start washing bitterness away.

All the best,

John

I’m just about certain that there’s not a formula for happiness, otherwise it would be for sale on cable TV.

Happiness is a state of mind that comes and goes and it doesn’t seem to have permanent roots no matter what state you choose to live in.

That being said, there seems to be a carrot you can hang on a stick to lure happiness back into town, at least for a while.

I’ve found that you can jumpstart happy thoughts with this technique. It’s not a cure-all but it is a remedy that, when used, can attract the healing that happiness brings.

Here’s the tip: Have something to look forward to.

It acts as a magnet for happiness when happiness isn’t around.

I’ve come to realize that living in the moment is the most rewarding way of living but we don’t do it all the time. Perhaps if we did, we’d be happy more often. The next best thing is to have something worth looking forward to.

It’s not something we dwell on; it’s just a thought to bring to mind when we find that happiness has left town.

It doesn’t have to be anything monumental that we look forward to; just something that brings some ease to our mind and a little warmth to our body.

It’s not the escapism of fantasy, which is also fun; it’s something real that you can put your finger on – something that will happen.

I rarely use the word “always,” but in this case I will make an exception. Always have something to look forward to. It’s a force that will pull you forward.

Once you experience the something you were looking forward to, make sure to have another something at the ready. If you’re a woman, think of this technique as having tissues in your purse. (I’m not sure I’ve met a woman who doesn’t carry tissues). They’re there in the event you need them.

Having something to look forward to will be there when you need it. Make sure to have it tucked away in your pocket or your purse.

All the best,

John

I was reading a photography blog this morning and came across this quote from dog photographer Kaylee Greer: “Their world is not measured in minutes but in moments.”

What a profound statement, not only for our four-legged, furry friends but for all of us.

Just look back on your life and what do you remember most? My guess is you remember the moments.

Our human world is run by time but is also measured in moments.

We would do well to remember that when we get caught up in our fast paced focus on the minutes and forget to pay attention to the moment.

Learn a lesson from a dog: The only moment is the moment you’re in, and the more you’re involved in the moment, the more your tail will wag.

All the best,

John

“Real life doesn’t have time outs.” So said the Grasshopper early this morning.

It sort of reminded me of the old maxim that life is not a dress rehearsal.

Life continues forward even when we want the world to stop or back up so we can get a do over.

The only time out that seems real is the time out we take from time.

It’s a hard intellectual concept to grasp but I’m pretty sure the philosophers and mathematicians agree that time doesn’t exist.

So taking a time out from time leaves you the only place you can ever really be, and that’s where we all are right now – in the present moment.

So if you want the clock to stop ticking, stop paying attention to the clock and start focusing on the moment you’re in right now. It will make time stand still.

You’ll never need a time out when you’re in the present moment because the concept of time will slip away as you give whatever’s in your attention the time of day.

All the best,

John

“Words can never describe your feelings, only point you towards them.” Those were the words of the Grasshopper early this morning.

As I wrote a few blog posts ago, “I have yet to discover the collection of words that can describe a feeling.” But that doesn’t keep us from trying to find those descriptors.

Think of a doctor’s visit you’ve had in the past where you were vaguely describing a set of feelings attempting to give the physician something to go on so they could make their diagnosis and prescribe a remedy. If you weren’t feeling so poorly, the scene could be comical.

Yet, we’ve all read something that provoked a set of feelings within us that caused us to get emotional. That same collection of words may have pointed another reader, not to overt emotion, but to action.

The point of this is that words point you in a direction, but not necessarily in the same direction.

Advertising attempts to persuade with words as do politicians, preachers and pundits. The ones who are successful find the words that appeal, not to your head, but your heart. Your head is not going to lead you to the ballot box, the promised land or to a new position that’s just been factually outlined, but your heart will.

There’s not a list of magic words that can lead you to your heart but there are words that won’t. These non persuasive words are usually concrete assertions – words that tell people “how things are” according to you. They have little chance of plucking the heart strings.

Factual information rarely makes the sale.

So, I’ve just laid out a bunch of assertions that you may find interesting but are incapable of moving you out of your head into your heart.

Which set of words in this post resonated most with you? My guess is the story of visiting the doctor. Those words pointed you in a direction via a story, and stories lead you to your heart.

I invite us all to offer more stories and less of our storied opinions and we’ll have found a pointed way towards someone’s heart.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper offered this last night: “Too much respect is paid to the dead and not enough to the living.”

On first blush, it sounded disrespectful but then the message got clearer. It seems it has more to do with ideas than it does with people.

What are dead ideas? – Ideas that live on that should have died a long time ago.

How do they manage to live on? – Because undue reverence is given to them for what they did, rather than what they’re doing now. These ideas belong in a history book, not a modern day manual.

Imagine walking into your physician with a common ailment and them recommending bloodletting as a remedy. As laughable as that may seem, it took awhile for that practice to work its way out of the medical care protocols. It was a dead idea that lived on because it received too much reverence.

What ideas or beliefs are you invested in that aren’t paying any dividends? Are they getting outdated reverence? The real question is: What beliefs do we own that need updating?

The simple answer is this: The ones that aren’t working for us.

Are you giving lip service to a belief that isn’t servicing you? You bet. We all do.

To isolate that outdated idea takes a bit of reflection. Here’s a question worth taking into a meditative moment: What belief do I own that isn’t working for me?

Don’t ponder the answer; just ask the question and let the answer bubble up.

Our outdated beliefs act as anchors, holding us in place or dragging us down. Bringing them to the surface allows us to see all the barnacles that have grown on them, adding to their weight.

Once you have the recognition that an idea has lived on past its expiration date, it’s time for a proper burial. Give it all the respect that it’s due, then move on with your life and welcome in something workable and new.

It’s spring, the season of life – time to prune the dead branches and make room for ideas truly worth your reverence.

All the best,

John