In the last argument you had with yourself, who won?

There are no winners of an internal argument; it only delays you from reaching a solution.

The more often you have an internal “Good Cop/Bad Cop” or “Devil/Angel” debate, the longer you delay any action.

It’s a universal law that we continually ignore.

We are conditioned that if we have a “Knock down/drag out,” back and forth argument inside our head that we have done something towards solving our dilemma.

Let’s look at the practice logically for a moment. Most of us are intellectually bright enough to understand both sides of the argument the first or second time it goes around in our head. What is the benefit having it come around for the 23^rd time? It’s self-flagellation of the highest order and the only thing this dispute delivers is delay.

Suspending the argument is a much quicker way to a solution.

How do we suspend the argument? Notice that it’s going on.

Have you ever noticed that these debates take on a life of their own? They just take over all your intellectual real estate allowing no room for a solution to pop in.

When you notice an internal argument in progress and you just observe it without taking sides, the wind goes out of each windbag. This practice opens space for a solution to present itself.

I think the real Wisdom of Solomon is getting ourselves back into neutral so we don’t have to split ourselves in half ad nauseam.

It’s the cease fire that delivers the room for real reflection. There is a part of us that acts in our best interest. It’s in our best interest to make room for it to operate.

If you are an attorney prepping for a trial, it may make sense to go back and forth over the opposing arguments, but even there, the debate must stop in order to come forward with a strategy that works.

Noticing that you are arguing with yourself is a powerful strategy that delivers the pause that refreshes.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper has been on vacation and hasn’t visited for awhile. I heard his familiar chirping this morning and here’s what he said:

“What I know about you reveals a lot about me.”

What you know about someone is recognized by the part of you that knows you have that quality too.

It’s no secret that we have parts of us – like the part that wants to wring someone’s neck and the more peaceful part of us that passes on the opportunity.

When you recognize a trait in someone else, it’s the part of you that has that trait that does the recognizing.

You may not have that trait to the degree they do, but make no mistake it’s a part of you.

Having this recognition lets our judgements pass more quickly and has us act less superior than we deem ourselves to be.

Oftentimes, when someone vehemently denies they have a particular trait, you are witnessing what that person fears becoming.

Reminds me of a story . . .

My mother despised shopping in discount stores. She would say disparaging things about these places and the people who shopped there. One day I asked her where she thought this dislike came from. She said, “When I go into those stores, I feel poor.”

I should mention she was the oldest of a family of 12 sisters and brothers and that she lived through the Depression of the 1930’s. They had nothing. Part of her remembered that and feared that.

We are made up of many parts, and to deny them is to feed them. This fuels a sense a separation that makes us believe that another is nothing like us when, in fact, we have lots of parts in common.

The next time you catch yourself judging and categorizing, (and we all do) just take a moment to notice what you are seeing in them is a part of you.

It’s a preaching worth practicing. The result is a humbler, more approachable you that becomes more than the sum of your parts.

All the best,

John

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I was awakened from a dream in the middle of the night last night and heard The Grasshopper say, “I have to give up what I know about you to get to know you.”

The message seemed to be about limitation. I jotted it down and went back to sleep.

No matter how factual your data about someone, you may cloud your perspective and your judgement with the limitation of knowing. It often prevents us from going past the surface with them – the traditional “Knowing the book by the cover” approach.

I have been cursed and blessed with observational skills that quickly put me in the mindset of knowing. I can be in a supermarket or an airport observing a bunch of strangers and know tons about them without having to engage them. It becomes a curse if I have to get to know them better. My “knowing” often translates to “all I need to know” and can shut off any deeper exploration.

The same type of knowing applies to ideas and concepts as well. If someone proffers an idea and you already “know” about it, you may not fully get to know what they know if you cut off the flow by knowing what you know. After rereading that last sentence, I feel like Dr. Seuss.

Knowing is also a limitation on goals and accomplishment. If you already know that it can’t be the way you would like it to be, you’ll be unable to see the potential opening that can lead you there.

How would you approach something or someone if you didn’t know what was possible or impossible? My guess is a lot differently.

You would come from a different angle of approach, which would give you a different perspective and a different set of observations with which to operate. Acting on a different set of facts would get you to know something different about the very same thing you already “knew” about.

Knowing is a subconscious block to accomplishment. If your knowing has become an automated, patterned program that kicks in without thinking, your thinking will remain the same and you will only know what you know.

If you begin to observe your mind knowing what it knows, you shed the light of day on that information and expose it for what it is – only a piece of the puzzle – not the complete picture.

Knowing can hold you back if you treat it as the end game. Knowing can be a catalyst to knowing more if you begin to view what you already know as partial knowledge.

This much I know for sure: Logic can lead to limitation, if it’s the only tool you use.

And regarding people . . . Everyone has a piece of the puzzle, you just have to get to know them better to find it.

All the best,

John

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I believe that the word “Loser” is one of the most powerful words in the English Language.

Words only have power through reference, and “Loser” has multiple references in our experience.

Our society has been so focused on winning that losing is not considered an option, yet we lose every day.

Losing and being a loser are two different references, and we rarely differentiate between the two.

“Losing” is a verb and “Loser” is a noun. Losing is something you do through action or inaction. Loser is something you are.

So if, for example, you lose at a sporting event, you have just lost. But if you internalize that loss and consider other times you have lost in the past, you may conclude that you are a loser.

You can see the process of how the label and mindset gets built.

There is no upside to the word “Loser.” That doesn’t mean it can’t be used to achieve productive results. Reminds me of a story . . .

A number of years ago the NBA (National Basketball Association) ran a series of anti-drug ads targeted to their younger viewers. They featured the superstars of the league delivering a “Don’t Do Drugs” message. The problem was the ads weren’t powerful enough. The kids had already heard that message and, for the most part, ignored it.

My thought, at the time, was the message would have had more impact if the star player looked right in the camera and said, “If you do drugs, you’re a LOSER.”

A “Loser” is something no one wants to be.

If we look carefully at people we label as losers, including ourselves, we will find that they/we are not winning at life. That means that we have executed a set of actions or inactions that have caused us to lose time after time.

If we focus on the label versus focusing on the action or lack of it, we stay stuck in “Loserville.”

What actions or inactions are causing you to lose? Be careful not to look at others’ actions as the cause of your repeated losses, otherwise you’ll remain a loser.

There is a set of steps or missteps that have caused us to lose. It’s useful to identify those steps so we don’t repeat the dance. If we get caught up in the concept of “Loser,” we lose our focus and don’t zero in on the way out of being a “Zero.”

We have all lost at something. Whether it’s love or tiddlywinks, it doesn’t make us a loser, unless we fail to notice the slippery slope from losing to loser.

In the song, “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart” the question is asked: “How can a loser ever win?” The answer is to notice and act on the set of actions causing you to lose.

Appropriate action will cause you to lose being a loser.

All the best,

John

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Here is a question worth pondering: Are you conscious of your subconscious?

The answer to the question is revealed when you begin to notice the function of each.

Consciousness, or being aware, is the hallmark of being conscious. That means that your conscious mind observes, asks questions, makes suggestions and formulates plans.

Your subconscious is a reactive mechanism. It’s a reservoir of conditioned routines. It reacts to stimuli and doesn’t think. Consciousness, on the other hand, does lots of thinking.

The conundrum is this: We think we can think our way out of our routines. We cannot. We must act our way out of our routines. That means to become aware of our reactive behavior and act on it.

Most people dismiss their automatic behavior as “just being me.” “Being me” is not a conscious choice; it’s a patterned reaction. The “you” that you think you are, and often defend to the high heavens, is nothing more than a collection of routines that have a mind of their own.

I saw a group on Facebook recently that underscores how thinking who we are is fraught with flagrant, phony logic. It goes something like this: Thinking that being in a house of worship makes you good is like thinking that standing in a garage makes you a car.

As silly as that seems, that’s the reality of how we define ourselves. We become blind to our reactive patterns and defend not changing.

You can dig your heels in some more and get more of the same, or you can become conscious. One method is filled with a lifetime of being on the witness stand; the other leads to something new by becoming aware of what we do.

You are where you are in life by the collective actions you have taken. Many of these actions have been reactions that take you to the same place.

The path to someplace new begins by noticing that your reactions do not do.

Making the unconscious conscious has been the goal of therapy since the time of Freud. But much of modern day therapy is too much talking and not enough doing. We think we are talking about who we are when, in fact, we are defining a conditioned image and ignoring the actions that formed it.

Making the unconscious conscious begins with noticing what we do. Your actions define a “you” that you think doesn’t exist.

Make it a point to start noticing what you do. It will help you to react less and act more.

When you become conscious, you truly begin to appreciate the old axiom: “Actions speak louder than words.”

All the best,

John

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Harbors make inviting scenes. Photographers of all stripes and talent levels have photographed them since the inception of cameras.

Attached is a picture my son took on a recent trip to Block Island. I was looking at it last night and began to think about the word “Harbor.”

I initially thought of seascapes and then I remembered a line from numerous TV shows – “Harboring criminals.” Like many words, “Harbor” has multiple meanings.

In the case of boats or as a refuge for criminals, it’s suggests a collection area – a collection area that defines the harborer.

The natural question to ask then is: “What are you harboring?”

For many, the answer will be resentment.

You can collect anything you want in this area, but you’ve chosen resentment. You’ve defined an area within you where resentment can drop anchor and have a safe port of call and stay as long as it wants.

Resentment is not a good harbor mate. It leaks oil, never washes itself, spreads its garbage everywhere and pollutes the environment. Yet, we allow it to stay at no charge and at a tremendous cost.

If you harbor resentment, it will consume you.

What I’ve come to discover about resentment is that people who harbor it, justify and defend it. They become like the mother of a sociopath. “My child is a caring, loving person.” Never mind that they just found 21 victims buried under his front porch.

When you justify your resentment, you give it new life. It continues to grow until, one day, it totally poisons you. I’m sure resentment has never shown up on a death certificate but I’m just as certain that people die as a result of resentment every day. It’s an insidious disease.

When you look up resentment in the dictionary you read, “Aggrieved feelings caused by a sense of having been badly treated.”

Here’s what the definition leaves out: The bad treatment you received will pale in comparison to the damage you do to yourself by harboring resentment.

What you need to hear LOUD and CLEAR is that which you resent will kill you no matter how justified you are.

Sad to say but I’ve seen too many cases of people who died extremely painful deaths due to the justification of a smoking habit. Justification of resentment is just as deadly.

I’m reminded of what The Buddha said about anger which could just as easily apply to resentment. He said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

People who harbor resentment believe their justification is their reward. As long as they can tell their story, they feel as though they are getting vindication.

What they fail to see is what others see – them dying a slow, painful death.

It’s a choice; you can harbor anything you want. I wonder how soon you’ll ban resentment from your harbor.

All the best,

John

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I went to the beach yesterday with my son and granddaughter and treated myself to one of my favorite things – a beach nap.

When I awakened, The Grasshopper hopped onto my blanket and uttered these words: “To be offended, you must give your consent.”

I began to muse on that phrase as we swam and caught some waves.

It occurred to me that each time we are offended, it’s by choice. There is a choice point and we choose to be offended.

It’s so easy to start a war with the “offending” party when we pretend that we had nothing to do with being offended. “It’s their fault!”

No, it’s our choice that completes the circuit and turns on our conditioned reaction.

It takes a stimulus and a reaction to tango.

If you’re tired of doing the same old dance, it’s time to choose a new partner.

Some of the best sales people I know choose something other than being offended. They found that the old dance steps got in the way of them making sales. Sales can be brutal depending on your reaction to the vitriol that comes from some prospects. If you complete the circuit, you won’t complete the sale.

The question really is, “Who’s offended?”

It’s the conditioned us that takes offense. We let our conditioning kick in, unchecked, and we find ourselves offended.

We find ourselves offended by the words and deeds of others without offering ourselves a choice.

Imagine your kitchen cabinet for a moment and envision your stack of dinner plates. If the top plate represents your conditioned reaction and you take it every time, you have an idea of how many other choices you ignored.

When you feel your conditioned reaction coming to the top of the stack time after time, it’s time to offer yourself a deeper choice.

Being offended is the same as being wounded. The question you may want to consider is: “How many more bullets do I want to take?”

I hope I’ve been able to convince you that you play a major role in being offended, and if you don’t agree with me, no offense taken.

All the best,

John

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I’ve never attended the U.S. Naval War College in Newport, Rhode Island but I would wager that one of the lessons taught there contains the essence of these words: “Retreat doesn’t mean defeat.”

Sometimes it feels like we are at war in life. We gear up for battle and we give it everything we have, only to lose.

What if somewhere during the battle we got the gift of awareness that we were fighting with an enemy too powerful to defeat?

That’s the gift you get when you realize you are fighting with reality. It’s a no win situation, yet, too often, we continue the battle.

The Grasshopper had me jot down two words on a sticky note last night – “Resign & Realign.”

I had no idea what they meant at the time but this morning the words became clear.

1. Resign yourself to the fact that you cannot beat reality, and cease your efforts.
2. Realign your saved resources and approach your dilemma a different way.

One of the most valuable gifts you will get in life is the realization that what you are doing is not working. It’s a gift to be treasured. It’s the difference between banging your head against the wall once or twice or doing it every day of your life.

When you go to war with reality, life is a constant battle. It never dawns on us that reality doesn’t conform to our rules. We fight on for our principles and we dress our wounds daily.

Resigning is not giving up; it’s a strategy to help you win. When you enter this calming retreat, you can better marshal your resources to approach reality in another way. Reminds me of a story . . .

Back in my Navy days, I was assigned to the radio and TV studio aboard an aircraft carrier. We had a great group of guys in our department that got along famously and we had a fun time doing our jobs. Then one day we got a new member of our group who slightly outranked all of our staff. He came from a military family and he was well healed in discipline and the chain of command. What he lacked was common sense.

He didn’t recognize what a well oiled machine we had put together. He had difficulty with a lower ranked member of our staff telling a higher ranked member what to do in our operation. He totally missed that we were using our collective skills to benefit the product we were producing, rather than relying on rank to give out instructions. Let’s just say he had a lot of rules.

This led to a lot of head butting until one day he got it. His “Ah-Ha” moment came the day he found out that one of our lowest ranking members had worked in a TV studio when he was a civilian and had more experience than the rest of us put together. It finally dawned on him why we let this guy call the shots. He resigned himself to the fact that rank may have its privileges but it can gum up the production of a TV newscast.

He realigned his thinking that day and found out that his never retreat way would never get the mission accomplished. He instantly became a member of the team that day and was truly a joy to work with.

Resign & Realign: It’s a reality based strategy that will help you win more often.

All the best,

John

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I have a confession to make. I hate planning. Planning is an essential tool for getting things done, but it’s rarely in my toolbox.

I have loads of justifications for shunning planning. For example, take a look at the standard 5 year business plan. They rarely come to fruition. That’s because they often change it a year and a half into it and start another 5 year plan. It’s like a treadmill to nowhere.

The people that make these plans love planning, but it’s not serving them.

The tedium of planning is my nemesis. Tedium is the ally of the planner.

Action is the ingredient that makes a plan work.

Too often all the action is either put into planning or into activities to avoid planning, but rarely into the execution of the plan.

I do get lots done but I make it hard on myself by having loosely basted plans. It comes down to a lot of last minute activity that gets the job done, but it always leaves a scar.

On the other hand, the perpetual planner is always left behind.

What’s the answer?

There are actually two.

1. Hire a planner.
2. Hire a doer.

They are the perfect solutions because a planner doesn’t want to do the work and a non planner doesn’t want to plan.

A third solution, which is rarely looked into, is to recognize the way you do things.

Many people are unaware that they would benefit by learning to plan, and others are unaware that they are held back by their penchant for planning.

You may be the rare bird that both plans and executes, so you can go read something else now while the rest of us discover which camp we fall into.

It’s often the simple recognition of your style that can spur you to take a different course of action.

Are you the planner without action or the action without a plan? It’s helpful to notice.

If you can’t afford a planner or a doer, it may be time to recognize your weak link and make a plan of action to remedy it.

We’re all familiar with the axiom, “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” A more complete axiom that won’t fit as neatly on a poster would be, “If you fail to take appropriate action, it doesn’t matter if you have a plan or not.”

Will you take action when you recognize your style?

Sound like a plan?

All the best,

John

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I cannot begin to remember how many radio commercials I have voiced over the years that contained the words, “Everything must go!”

These type of commercials are as alive and well today as they were then, and will be here tomorrow and beyond.

The gist of the ad is to let you know that the retailer is expecting a new shipment and they have to make room for it by having some sort of liquidation sale that will save you $$$$$.

Truth be told, most of those ads are hype. It’s just a gimmick to have lackluster sales pick up.

But the words have power – past getting you to reach in your pocket and pony up money for something someone wants to get rid of.

“Everything Must Go” can serve as a mantra for the inventory of overstocked thoughts we carry around in our head.

What is a clear head other than the successful result of an “Everything Must Go” sale?

A clear head is one devoid of thoughts – a rare moment for just about all of us.

It’s from this clear position that we are afforded the opportunity to be creative and have new thoughts and ideas fill the void.

So how do you have an “Everything Must Go” sale?

First, recognize that you have lots of inventory. Reminds me of a recent conversation I had with a friend . . .

She was asking me the difference between me now, and me a number of years ago. I reflected on the question for a moment and said, “My head was a lot noisier then, but I didn’t know it.” If you don’t recognize a pattern that you automatically run, your chances of changing it are south of skinny.

So the first step is to notice that you have wall-to-wall inventory in your head. Many people never get that gift of insight. They just think it’s normal to have thoughts run around in their head with reckless abandon because they have nothing to contrast it to.

Have you ever seen or heard something that made time stand still for a moment? It literally took your thoughts away and maybe your breath as well. That’s a clear head. You are experiencing something without the aid of thought – just like you did as an infant before your intellect formed.

There are no thoughts getting in the way of the experience. Remember: Thoughts are always afterthoughts. The experience is always first, and usually ignored because of the onslaught of thought.

The second step is to get in the habit of interrupting your thoughts. Reminds me of a talk show technique . . .

When you want to get a guest off their “talking points,” interrupt them often in mid sentence and ask them another question. If you want to see someone who’s a master at this, watch Chris Matthews on “Hardball” on MSNBC-TV. The interruption gets them off balance and their prepared remarks fall away and they often reveal something new.

When you take the time to interrupt your own thoughts, you begin to clear your head of predictable tripe and you make room for new inventory.

Make it your practice to recognize that your head is on automatic pilot and interrupt your thoughts in midstream. The result is a clear head with ample room for new inventory.

Every time you see an “Everything Must Go” ad on TV, in a magazine, newspaper, online or hear it on the radio, it will remind you it’s time to interrupt your thoughts and clear your head.

“EVERYTHING MUST GO!”

All the best,

John

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