You’ve heard of a “Bucket List,” yes?

Well the “Things I Haven’t Done List” is similar but serves a different purpose.

It’s a goofy idea that showed up yesterday prompted by the thought that I had not ever tasted hummus until last week. It got me curious about things I had not done yet that I haven’t thought about. By contrast, the bucket list is about things you have thought about and desire.

For example I haven’t done the following:

• Fried an egg on the sidewalk.
• Said the words “Hear Ye, Hear Ye” in a public forum.
• Passed gas in a crowded elevator.

The list could go on and on and I think it’s a valuable exercise in stretching. Many things on the bucket list are out of our reach. Most all of the things on the “Things I Haven’t Done List” are doable.

So what’s the purpose? It’s certainly not a challenge to do a bunch of absurd things; it’s more of an inspection of possibilities we haven’t considered.

Watch what shows up on your list. These are things that will stretch you past your patterned way of doing things, which is a way of becoming more aware. Just the creation of such a list will stretch you, before you run out into your patterned world. Acting on some things on the list earns you extra credit and extra awareness.

It seems silly on first blush and when you actually do it, it makes you more aware of what’s possible for you.

Take 10 minutes out of your day today and make a list of things you haven’t done. Have fun with it. Measure your feeling of what’s possible for you before and after the exercise and see if you notice a difference.

If you broaden your awareness, you broaden your possibilities. It just may get you to set your bucket list aside and do more living now.

All the best,

John

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What’s normal? I don’t know and I suspect I never will.

A few years ago, my friend, Hali opened my eyes when I said, “It’s the normal way of doing things.” She responded, “It’s the common way of doing things.”

There is a huge difference between normal and common.

Can you see that normal is a judgement and common is a verifiable fact?

When I say “not normal,” what I’m really saying is “not like me.”

Normal is a wedge word. It’s a wedge between you and anyone you perceive different than you. “I’m normal; they’re not” is the statement made by us in our heads. It keeps us separate from them making connection a lot more difficult.

How do people get to be not like you? It’s called experience.

They’ve had different life shaping experiences than us and it’s those differences that make them different.

I find that the more we have in common, the more we connect. The less we have in common with someone makes them not normal.

Reminds me of a story . . .

Many years ago when I went to the dry cleaners, I encountered an irascible woman behind the counter on each visit. It was hard to be around her. She was angry, oppositional and many other things I didn’t want to deal with but they were the best cleaners in town. Every experience there led me to respond angrily in my head and it didn’t contribute to my day. This woman wasn’t normal – not like me.

One day I received a gift from out of the blue. This gift said, “Ask her a question about her.”

I asked, “Is there anything that’s upsetting you because it looks like you are having a tough day?” She then told me her experience. Her brother, whom she was very close to, was at death’s doorstep. She told me the tale of them growing up and their special bond throughout the years and now it was coming to an end. All of a sudden, she wasn’t different to me any longer. We had bonded.

Each time thereafter, when I visited the store, our exchanges were warm, cordial and connected. She was no longer “not normal” to me.

You can avoid people not like you for an entire lifetime and play in a smaller world; it’s the common way of doing things. But if you want to make more connections and broaden you experience, may I personally recommend exploring others that aren’t normal. It’s a way of forming a common bond.

All the best,

John

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Is it OK to be rude to rude people?

I don’t have “THEE” answer but I have AN answer – it depends.

Some people are unconsciously rude. Those folks get a pass. It’s those who are rude on purpose that I take to task.

The sales person or religious missionary who rings your phone or knocks on your door and sucks all the oxygen out of the air by talking non-stop and not allowing you to breathe is on my hit list.

Such was the case yesterday when a person pitching Verizon’s high speed broadband service came a calling. My grandson answered the door and this person launched into his presentation not allowing for any sort of dialogue as he began verbally throwing up on my grandson. I came down the steps with the dog to bear witness to this onslaught.

I was about to interrupt this person but thought I would let him continue so my grandson would own this experience rather than hear a story about it from me.

People who have a one-way agenda are not only rude but stupid. Let’s address the stupidity first. It would be obvious to anyone with a modicum of sales experience that my grandson was not the decision maker. Even after I arrived on the scene, he never included me in his pitch. If I ever needed to hire someone to talk a dog off a meat wagon, this would be the guy. If I needed a sales person, he couldn’t even get on the bottom of my list.

The rudeness is not allowing another to participate in your pitch. You ignore their humanity as you selfishly concentrate on you and what you have to say. The other person becomes an object and not a human. That’s rude, dude!

When you only pay attention to you and what you have to say, you are truly talking to yourself and that’s rude.

The pitch finally came to an end with the “buy now before the offer goes away” closing. Then he asked my grandson to buy. My grandson looked at me and I said to this guy, “You only talk and don’t listen which is why you are losing in life,” and I walked away with our dog. That statement from me was also rude, only quicker.

I saw him continue his pitching throughout the neighborhood and mused to myself that he could be a world-class underwater swimmer to be able to get that many words out in one breath.

Is it OK to be rude?

If someone was stealing your household goods, you wouldn’t be considered rude in finding a way to stop them; you would be prudent. If someone is stealing your time showing no concern for you or acknowledging you as a person, I recommend rude just about every time.

All the best,

John

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We’ve all been in shops where we’ve see this sign: “Break it and you own it.” It’s a reminder to handle things more carefully (especially if you have children in tow) or there is a price to pay.

The Grasshopper came up with his own version of that sign. He said, “Say it and you own it.”

We pay a price when we say things we don’t want to own.

The news that escapes us too often is that saying something is a deliberate action. We actually have some say in what comes out of our mouths. We may not have anything to say about a thought that pops into our head, but we have total editing capacity over what leaves our lips or our keyboards or pens.

There are consequences attached to whatever we say. Reminds me of a story . . .

I was associated for a short time with a fellow who said a lot and didn’t commit. He lied as easily as most of us breathe. It wasn’t shades of truth he was telling; they were outright lies. This practice lead to him owning a suspect reputation – one that I wanted no part of.

The solution to his and our problem is simple but not necessarily easy: Don’t say anything you don’t want to own.

There is a choice point before you say something. Notice it and take advantage of it and you won’t over commit.

We’ve all said things we don’t want to own, but the fact that we said it makes it our property. The key to going forward is to notice, in advance, that there is cement that mixes with our saliva when we say something.

Often, no response is the best response. Reminds me of another story . . .

I don’t respond to emails that contain anything I don’t want my name next to. They may come from dear friends or family members but I won’t respond if it has something offensive to someone in it, whether it’s a joke, story or cartoon that someone has sent my way. I have a choice to respond or not and I exercise the choice not to respond. I don’t want to own what they’re sending by resending or responding.

Remember: You do have a choice in what you say. It may be the closest thing to control that we have as human beings.

Start to notice that you have options before opening your mouth; you’ll own less and be richer for it.

All the best,

John

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The world is full of feel good advice. Even though most of it is ineffective, it does serve a purpose.

Advice that makes you feel good gets you over a hump. It’s usually the advice you get from a friend or someone close to you that wants to see your pain go away, even if it’s only temporary.

Often the most effective advice is that which is hard to swallow; it’s the medicine most of us avoid.

The people who parcel out feel good advice are well meaning and quite popular, but in the end their offerings keep you right where you are – Stuck.

The key is to recognize that what you are gravitating to – feel good advice – results in pulling you back into the mud.

It’s wonderful to have someone to go to that can make you feel good; just don’t mistake what they’re propping you up with as the lifeline you need to climb out.

The path of least resistance is the most walked path; the problem is it doesn’t go anywhere. Feel good advice will have you walk that path again and again.

I’m thankful there are people who can make me feel good; I’m equally appreciative of people who can light a way forward. They are usually not the same people.

When you begin to recognize feel good advice as the addictive drug it is, that’s the first step towards seeking out solutions that may not be wrapped in cotton candy.

The most effective advice may not make you feel good, at least not now. It’s the advice that leads you forward.

If you’re not making progress, chances are you are going back for another hit from Dr. Feelgood. Perhaps it’s time to seek out an alternate approach.

All the best,

John

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Ever get a great idea out of the blue? Did you remember to say, “Thank you”?

I was reminded of this strategy the other day when my grandson asked me to listen to a piece of music he created. He said it just came to him from nowhere.

After listening to his creation, I told him that one of my teachers, Dr. Dave Dobson recommended that when unexpected gifts like that arrived, we were to thank the part of us that sent that gift along. Dave said saying “thank you” was a way of expressing appreciation and also a way of alerting that part of our mind to “keep those cards and letters coming.”

My grandson liked that idea and I thought you would too.

The practice is polite and procreative at the same time.

Does the practice work? I can’t tell you that it’s true; all I can say is this: I don’t always remember to say “thank you” but when I do, more gifts come to me from out of the blue.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper delivered this about a week ago: “Clues need to be interpreted, facts don’t.”

It seems that facts need to be assembled to get to a workable solution, but clues keep us clueless until they lead us to facts.

The difficulty, as I see it, is that we jump the gun by attempting to solve situations with clues before finding or verifying the facts. It’s called conjecture or, more to the point, hallucinating.

How often do we pretend to know about something without having the facts? Have you ever judged a book by its cover? You have pretended to know all the facts by just glancing at the clues.

If you only read the headlines, you’ll be topical but lack depth.

President Ronald Reagan left us with this memorable quote: “Trust but verify.”

Trust your instincts but validate their veracity before claiming to have the answer.

When you discover a tempting clue, don’t start writing you thesis; start asking questions. Dig deeper before claiming to have depth and breadth.

I love finding clues; they spur me on to solve the puzzle. Where we come up short, is claiming to know how the whole puzzle is put together when we only have a piece of blue sky.

“Get a clue” is a pejorative statement we may make to someone who’s oblivious to something, but we remain in the dark as well if we don’t take the next step and find the facts.

If the only clue you take from this is to find the facts, you been promoted to junior detective and you will solve more puzzles.

All the best,

John

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There is no bigger form of fear than feeling helpless. Helplessness neuters options and smothers hope leaving us with just unadulterated fear.

The good news is that helplessness too often has been misidentified.

When we mistakenly adjudge ourselves as being helpless, we give away any personal power we can muster to provide help.

How do we know we have misidentified helplessness? – When we offer a litany of excuses for not acting. Genuine helplessness doesn’t need an excuse.

Another way to know that we have manufactured helplessness is when we are aware that many others, in very similar circumstances, have successfully acted.

“Acting” and “Action” are the operative words.

Acting helpless is what we do when we know something can be done but we claim we can’t do it. Taking action is the cure for manufactured helplessness.

Action settles fear.

It’s only when action is not an option that helplessness is real.

Feeling helpless? Ask yourself this: Have others in the same circumstances successfully acted? If the answer is “yes,” you are acting helpless if you don’t act.

The antidote for the poison of acting helpless is taking action. You don’t have to climb the mountain in a day. You can take steps that take you to the foothills first and then work your way up.

You can certainly choose not to act in actionable circumstances, but you can no longer claim you are helpless.

This is more than semantics. Acting helpless gets the same result as genuine helplessness – Fear. Recognize that you have given undue power to the word “helpless” when you misuse it, and that you needlessly suffer.

Feeling helpless? If there is an action you can begin, begin it.

Again, action is the antidote for acting helpless. It removes manufactured fear and presents options to act on.

All the best,

John

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I used to work for a couple of 60s based radio stations. The format, at the time, was referred to as “Oldies” – mostly songs from the 60s with a smattering of late 50s and early 70s songs thrown in for good measure.

The reason people tuned into us was for the music. We had all the other elements that radio had to offer as well – personalities, news, weather, traffic etc., but the main draw was the music.

The success of the Oldies format was that the music instantly transported most of the listeners back to a time in their life that was more carefree. I referred to it as their “dancin’, prancin’ and romancin’ years.”

The music delivered a warm fuzzy to these folks. I believe it also set up a dichotomy in their mind. It not only reminded them of a special time, but it also tacitly reminded them that that time was over. The suggestion was that their dancing, prancing and romancing belonged to another time.

We do ourselves a disservice when we limit our ability to dance, prance and romance to the days of yore. That ability remains with us for a lifetime but we put it in a mental box called “Over” and miss amazing opportunities of expression every day.

The only reason these practices get rusty is because we don’t practice them.

When the last time you danced – not formally, but just let yourself do a little move or two?

Can you remember the last time you “strutted your stuff”?

When’s the last time you dusted off the romancing part of you and brought it out for a spin?

Again, these qualities are not tied to another time; they’re available now and always.

Dancing, prancing and romancing fall into the category of celebration. You don’t have to wait to be invited to celebrate – you can do it every day without having to have a reason.

There are countless ways to express celebration; you only need to bring them out and dust them off.

Any embarrassment you may initially feel is outweighed by the sheer enjoyment celebration brings.

Make it a new habit to do some old things, and by doing so, you may age but you’ll never get old.

Let me leave you with the words of an “Oldie” that never go out of style:

Celebrate, Celebrate, Dance to the Music!

All the best,

John

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The word “Amok” popped into my mind and I looked it up in the dictionary to confirm my suspicions about its definition. It’s loosely defined as “out of control.”

But when it popped in, it was an acronym – A.M.O.K. That got me curious. What did these four letters have to teach me about control?

A: We ALWAYS seek control. It’s the elusive Holy Grail filled with the elixir that will take our fear away. It’s a lifelong pilgrimage fraught with frustration.

M: Control is a MYTH. Control will never be found because it is a concept we made up to deal with fearful sensations. The storyline goes something like this: If we get control, we will be free of our fear. We created something that doesn’t exist to deal with something that does. It’s a fantasy that can go on for a lifetime, if we let it.

O: Control makes us OVERBEARING. If you are bossing people around for no other reason than you can, you have fallen prey to an action that brings out the ugliest side of control. The underlying logic at play is this: If we can control others, we can force ourselves to control our fear.

K: Fear is KINESTHETIC. It’s meant to be felt, not controlled. How often do we deny our fearful sensations instead of feeling them? This practice is control on steroids. Fear is a sensation that’s alerting us to pay attention, not to duck our head in the sand.

We don’t have any control over fear. The best we can do is recognize it and feel it. Once it gets recognition and feeling, fear metabolizes itself into something more useful and less controlling.

There aren’t too many classes out there teaching us to feel our fear, but there are countless classes on control – a myth that never works because it doesn’t exist.

If fear is running amok inside your mind, you’ve bought into the universal myth of control. The way for fear to stop controlling you is to recognize and feel it. Give it a place at the table and feel it out. The more familiar you become with your fear, the less control you’ll seek.

So here’s another definition to consider for A.M.O.K. – A Mind Obscuring Kinesthesia.

You’ll never think your way out of fear; it’s out of your control. But the funny thing is that feeling fear will make the myth of control fade away along with the fear itself.

All the best,

John

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