I’m sure you’ve been in situations where you felt powerless. I know I have. It’s what the late Dr. Dave Dobson called the highest state of fear.

Hopefully, it’s not your constant state of mind, but for some it is. It is easily evidenced by their penchant to constantly rant and rave. I’m guessing you have a few friends on Facebook who write in ALL CAPS!!!

I’m amused by them until I’m not. My amusement turns into concern because these folk are locked into the illusion of being powerless.

You would never consciously come to that conclusion by reading their words. Their soliloquies are filled with bombast and false bravado, but they are scared to death, scared that they have no power.

They haven’t stopped to notice that their rant isn’t making that feeling go away.

If you want to feel powerless, here is the formula: Equate power with control.

When we attempt to control our situation and can’t, which is always, we feel powerless and that can cause us to strike out. It reminds me of a story I’ve told before . . .

Years ago, I was at a christening and ran into a man who found out I did a talk show on the radio. He said, “Do you know the kind of people who call talk shows?” Before I could answer, he said, “I’ll tell you the kind of people who call talk shows. They’re the people who are in a bar and will bend anyone’s ear who will listen. When the last person in the bar also begins to ignore them, they go home and call you. That’s who calls talk shows.”

He wasn’t too far off the mark.

If you are ranting and raving about something and not doing something about it other than broadcasting your fear, you are steeped in the illusion of control and will continue to feel powerless.

Certainly not in every case, but this person tends to be more than a little overweight (obese), leans toward conspiracy theories, is into name calling and lays out a talk that’s rarely followed by a walk.

They are attempting to control the universe with their words. It’s hard enough getting a cab on a rainy night, but they set their sights exponentially high, causing a giant drop back to earth every time.

The best antidote to feeling powerless is to recognize you are feeling that way and just sit with the feeling. Acknowledging the feeling and allowing yourself to feel it, is the quickest way to metabolize the fear. Striking out rather than reflecting in will keep that fear in place, sometimes for a lifetime.

No doubt these people are angry, and anger sits on top of fear and is driven by it. If you are constantly angry, here’s a remedy: Notice that you are angry and don’t assign it to a cause. Just notice that you are angry and feel the anger. The minute you attempt to assign it to a cause, you go back into the anger loop and it will have you go round and round with endless rebound, without any relief.

Feel free to continue to “piss and moan” because we all do. But when it gets to be your regular practice, you are practicing to be angry and powerless for the rest of your life.

All the best,

John

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Got an interesting perspective from The Grasshopper as he intoned this turn of a phrase: “The best defense is no defense at all.”

It immediately got me to wondering, “What are we defending?” It seems most often that we defend who we think we are. When we get defensive, we are putting up a fight for a false front that we present for public consumption, or as I like to say, “the person we made up and got comfortable with.”

There is a giant upside when you lay down your arms and stop defending your stunt double. Your false exterior begins to crumble and fall away and what’s left is nothing that needs a defense – You!

The real you is nothing or “no-thing.” It’s not a gender, a temperament, neither fat or skinny, rich or poor, smart or dumb. It doesn’t have a social security number, social status, or membership in a particular religion or political party. No wonder the real you needs no defense because all the above is stripped away, allowing an authentic you to come out and play.

Examine what you are defending and you will see that what you are doing is propping up a cardboard cutout and calling it “You.”

“You” can’t be defined or defended, but it is the core of who you are – a cauldron of nothingness that is the force of creation.

If you absolutely need a label to define yourself, try this one on for size: Creator.

When we are stripped down to our bare essence, we are creation machines.

Creativity doesn’t need a defense, just an open space to work its magic. We keep our space to create confined when we insist we are all the things we’ve defined. That is truly limiting behavior.

You open yourself to endless possibility when you open the barn door and let the horses run. They’re no longer corralled; just free-to-be without a name or a saddle, and nothing to rein in their creative force.

Every minute you spend to defend delays your ability to create. The maxim is simple: If you want to create more, defend less.

All the best,

John

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At what point does one thing begin to become another? At what point does the caterpillar transition to a butterfly? In short, when does change happen?

I’m sure the actual moment of change happens in an instant, but we don’t recognize it that fast. Change sort of sneaks up on us, kinda’ like age.

What attitudes and behaviors did you have a decade ago that you don’t have now? When did the actual change take place? Sometimes we can point to a seminal event, but most often it just arrives and we notice it later.

Knowing also sneaks up on us. There is a certain sense of wisdom that just leaks out when we get to the point of knowing. Knowing isn’t knowledge; it’s a sense that we have a part of us where everything is taken care of.

Knowing doesn’t arrive as an “Ah-Ha” moment; it’s more of a transition from hurry and worry to a sense of peace. Knowing embodies the Buddha’s observation that, “Everything is as it should be.”

Knowing allows you to know that your response is the only choice you own. Your reactions own you. Once you know that you have the ability to respond vs. react to whatever life presents, life gets more peaceful.

There is less worry about how you’ll react because you now know that you have the ability to respond. Life is coming at us all at all times. If we have to plan our reactions to each of life’s events, we will be too preoccupied to notice that we have the ability to respond.

Make the transition to knowing happen quicker by opening yourself up to the idea that there is a part of you that knows and is capable of generating a response.

Here’s a hint to make the transition happen sooner: Give up the idea that you have control over anything. Once the illusion of control goes away in a puff of smoke, you begin to transition into a state of knowing.

If you reacted to these observations, your transition to knowing will take longer. If you embrace the idea that there is a part of you that takes care of everything, you’re in the know.

All the best,

John

For me, the opposite of the word “Fresh” is “Stale.” When I get stale, whether in word or deed, I look to refresh.

“Refresh” is to be fresh again. I think the freshest we’ve ever been is before we had thoughts in our head, when we were infants and toddlers.

Just notice that an infant or toddler lives in a world of experience where everything is fresh. There is wonderment all around. There is no debate in their head that they “should be doing something else” or internal comments about “the same, boring mobile that I stared at yesterday.”

When you get quiet in your head, even everyday things that you’ve seen countless times are seen in a new light. That’s because you are experiencing them rather than commenting on them or taking them for granted.

The same is true when interacting with people. People take on new dimensions when you experience them rather than when you have a running commentary in your head when you’re with them.

They take on a freshness, if you will. They really haven’t done anything different, but you have. You’ve made an intention of experiencing them rather than judging or compartmentalizing them.

The commentary will always be there if you want it or need it, but know this for sure: When you’re commenting inside your head, you are no longer experiencing whom or what you are in the presence of.

That stale old commentary is like the same joke you’ve heard for the hundredth time; it’s no longer fresh.

You can even freshen your commentary by refreshing and going back to experience. Seeing as you will be seeing or hearing new facets about something or someone when doing so, you’re ability to describe your experience becomes broader.

A final thought before I get quiet: A quiet mind opens you to a world of experience. Quieting your mind is a great way to refresh.

All the best,

John

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I quoted legendary football coach, Vince Lombardi in my weekly Grasshopper Note last week. He said, “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” I got to wondering about that last night as I was getting tired and ornery.

It seems that being tired brings out less than useful patterns for me. I find the glass less full as I lose the courage to stay present. If I’m in conversation, I go into my head and come out with some outdated, conditioned retorts – ones that don’t work in the light of day.

The best thing for me at that tired point is to end the conversation and go off to sleep because I’m really not fit company. But suppose I had to remain in the conversation for some reason, the ally I would need is presence.

Sometimes we all get tired and irritable. It’s often when some of the worst things our mind can create will come out. Sometimes it’s entertaining; most often, though, it contains an edge. If you get the gift of awareness as you’re about to enter your fit of pique, you can summon your ability to stay present. That means to observe your response before it leaves your lips. That way you can preview it and select another response that contains more presence.

It takes courage to stay present in challenging times, but it’s the ally that will keep you out of harm’s way. It seems counter-intuitive to say that when you are tired and have to remain engaged, that the best solution is to wake up. Wake up to your ability to be present.

I can tell you from experience that it’s not easy, but it is rewarding. Do the arithmetic. How many times have you said something harmful when you were tired or ill? Being present will prevent you from, once again, letting your guts spill.

The courage to be present in the face of fatigue will save you countless hours of fence mending and let you sleep with a clear conscious.

All the best,

John

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Out walking Snuffy the Black Nosed Beagle in the freezing cold yesterday, The Grasshopper lifted one of my earmuffs and had this to say: “Actions lead, reasons follow.”

I guess I was thinking about the hundreds of emails I get at this time of year from potential clients that set themselves up for failure even before they begin a new endeavor.

Their emails contain all the reasons they can’t do something, and human nature being what it is, it rarely dawns on us that our reasons are our roadblocks.

As I started to thaw after the walk, I was again reminded of what my 4th grade teacher, Miss Wagner told us countless times, “You can either have what you want or your reasons why not.”

Our mind can reason away anything, no matter how absurd. You cannot, however, reason away action. It is, if you will, a separate action. The way the mind works is that we act and then we reason. It seems like it’s the other way around until you investigate. “The reason I bought the new car is because if I waited too much longer, I wouldn’t get top dollar for my trade.” Sounds reasonable, eh?

When you go behind the curtain, you will find that the decision was made by an, oftentimes, emotional part of you and you just added a reason after you acted on the purchase.

There is a technique in sales, where after the client has verbally agreed to buy, that you give them an objection to going through with the sale. I know it sounds counterintuitive but let me flesh out the technique. It is best used when the client has to explain the purchase to someone else in the company, perhaps a higher-up or partner.

Lets pretend that you sell widgets in red, white and blue and the client expresses a preference for blue. It so happens that your supplier has run out of blue widgets, so you offer the client red instead. He hesitates but finally agrees to purchase the red ones. It’s at this point you ask something like, “What’s going to happen when you tell your boss that you wanted blue and we only have red at this time?” He or she will say something like, “let me worry about that.”

You have started up their reasoning machine and they will protect their reasoning more ferociously than a mama bear protects her cubs. They will sell it up the line. That’s an upside of reasoning.

So how does this apply to making any change you want to your lifestyle? You have to stop insuring your failure by giving yourself reasons. “I really want to stop smoking but my husband will still be smoking and being around him will be a constant temptation.” That reasoning gives you an excuse to fail. Your reasons become your excuses that you’re already lining up to defend your failure.

List all your reasons for not doing something and then remove them one by one from your list and you will have a greater chance at success.

I understand the reality that if you want to be a world class ballerina and you’re over 60, it’s unreasonable. But you would be surprised at how many cockamamie reasons we come up with to insure our failure.

Let the reasoning machine have its say and then start whittling them away. Then your action will have a much better chance of leading you to a new way.

All the best,

John

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If you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas, there’s still time to give yourself the gift that keeps on giving – Giving!

Give yourself permission to give. Give what, you ask? Give what it is that you have, not what you’ve accumulated.

Yes, it’s helpful to share knowledge and resources with others and that is considered generous. The giving I’m referring to comes from you – not from what you have, but from who you are, well past the role you play.

Give away your light. Let it shine on everyone you encounter. It begins by giving everyone you interact with your attention.

Attention without agenda. Just keep an open space in you for them as you interact. That means to be with them rather than with your thoughts about them or what they are saying. When you open a space for someone, you’re not interfering with what they are communicating by keeping your attention on you. When you open, you can take them all in, and what comes back out is your light, not your opinion.

Giving your light will always be welcome; your opinion may not.

Giving is really win-win because giving your light feels good and it’s always appropriate because it’s a one-size-fits-all gift.

If you’re searching for a New Year’s Resolution that will succeed, consider adding the gift of giving to you list. It’s the light that will make your New Year bright.

All the best & Happy New Year,

John

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The Grasshopper was long-winded the other day when he needed two breaths to utter this: “Scapegoats are the sacrificial lambs we send out to avoid responsibility for our feelings.”

Once you add “because” to the sentence, “I feel this way” you are offering up a sacrificial lamb as the cause of your feelings.

The sentence structure goes something like this: “I feel this way because you or someone did X.” Whatever “X” is becomes the scapegoat for our feelings.

When you can just express “I feel this way,” and put a period after the word “way,” you are on your way to owning your own feelings.

Ownership of our feelings brings us back to the moment; assigning them to someone or something else, takes us away.

“I’m feeling sad” is being in touch with your sadness. “I’m feeling sad because . . .” attempts to make the feeling belong somewhere else. Each time we negate responsibility for how we are feeling, we keep that feeling knocking on our door until we let it in and give it the attention it requires.

Each time you scapegoat a feeling, it gets stronger and becomes harder to deal with.

It’s worth practicing some new grammar by putting periods after stating how you feel. It keeps the feeling close to home where it can be acknowledged and metabolized, not continually kicking in the door attempting to terrorize.

Try it on for size. “I feel (fill in the blank).” There are no additional words needed after the period. Just sit with your feeling and let it be there as long as it needs. My experience is that it lessens in intensity when acknowledged in this way rather than coming back stronger another day.

When you get more proficient with this practice, the phrase “In like a lion, out like a lamb” will take on a whole new meaning for you.

All the best,

John

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If you’ve ever been on a theatre stage in front of a large crowd, you can appreciate how blinding lights can be. You really can’t see out.

The same can be true in life. The outer lights that surround us can’t be our guides because we can’t see through them. That keeps us trapped by the light, like a moth on a back porch bulb.

The light that shines on us keeps us playing a role – one that doesn’t change because we’re trapped by a script and can’t see a way out.

There is a way to dim the lights so you can see more options. It begins by turning down the dialogue in your head and freeing your inner light which shines outward. It’s the most powerful light you’ll ever experience and it’s free. All you have to do is get quiet and let it shine.

This process begins by knowing this light exists. Knowing allows us to stop searching outward and turn our attention quietly inward. We become less distracted by the outer lights and start to feel the glow of our own light source. Like all feelings, it doesn’t need words to describe it; words initially point us in its direction, but once we discover our light, words are no longer necessary.

Your inner light illuminates everything so that you can see in all directions. Your choices multiply and life starts to add up.

“Blinded by the Light” is more than a song; for some, it’s an everyday occurrence. If you’ve fallen into the trap, stop reciting your lines and seeking applause, and let your light shine by putting your thoughts on pause.

Trapped? If you’re searching for a way out, go in.

All the best,

John

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Stating the obvious, Christmas is a religious as well as a secular holiday. Some celebrate both and others celebrate neither.

What’s understated is the quality we see in children this time of year – Wonderment. It’s worth noting that we all have that quality; it wasn’t stowed away in an old photo album.

My request is simple: Find your wonderment this Christmas whether you celebrate the holiday or not. It’s a priceless gift that brings out the boundless spirit of the child within you.

Merry Christmas,

John