The other day I was struck with the contrast between being stupid and being aware.

Stupid does not equal lack of education. There are a lot of stupid, smart people.

Stupid, aside from being a pejorative, suggests to me that there is a lack of awareness present. You may define that lack of awareness as being ignorant and I would agree, except when that ignorance is willful. Then it’s stupid.

Fill in the blank . . . The people from (state, city, town, country) are stupid. Reminds me of a story . . .

I’ve lived in 8 states and have visited 43. I grew up in Pennsylvania and have heard and said the following phrase countless times: “Those damn, stupid Jersey drivers.” It’s the same everywhere I go. Please substitute your neighboring city or state to validate my point.

What we’re really saying is they are ignorant when it comes to the rules of the road. If it’s politely pointed out to them (no, not with that finger), and they continue to do it, they are willfully ignorant or, better stated, just plain stupid.

Stupid people choose to ignore facts. Oftentimes, they will counter a factual presentation with an “exception to the rule” argument. For example, you may accurately state that your football team has the oldest starting lineup in the league. You know you’re talking to someone stupid when they move the goal post and reply, “oh yea, we just signed the youngest running back in the division.”

The discussion is no longer about the facts presented. It’s a willful attempt to distract from the facts to make it about the exception.

If you turn your back to the facts, sorry to say, you are stupid.

If you are willfully ignoring the facts to make your point, your point will only hit home with your fan club – those too stupid to be aware.

All the best,

John

Even though I wrote this post over 9 years ago, this ship is still in troubled waters.

I was having my bathroom tiled last year at this time. The man who did the job was truly a craftsman and truly miserable. I remembered his work from many years before but I had forgotten how steeped in misery he was on a personal level. After having him in my home for a couple of days, The Grasshopper had these two things to say:

“Your misery will continue if you would rather be right than get right.”

“Being right gets in the way of getting right.”

This man lives in the conceptual world of right and wrong. You may have already guessed that in this drama he plays the part of “Right.” As I listened to his stories, they were swollen with how this one was wrong and that person was wrong and, by and large, what idiots always showed up in his life. Reminds me of a story . . .

There is a man who is moving to a new area and decides to ask a local farmer what the people in the area are like. The farmer asks him a question before answering, “What are the people like in the area where you currently live?” The man said the people were honest, hard working, family folks and wonderful neighbors. The farmer said, “That’s exactly the kind of people you will find here.” Not but a few minutes later another man came by and asked the same question. The farmer again asked, “What are the people like in the area where you currently live?” This man said, “They are dishonest, back biting, people who are only out for themselves.” The farmer replied, “That’s exactly the kind of people you will find here.”

Getting right is recognizing that you are the cause of your wrong. When someone rights the ship, they are guiding it to an upright position and steering it out of harm’s way towards advantageous sailing conditions.

Making someone wrong is best left for court cases. When you make someone wrong, you always have the accent on the wrong syllable – “out there.” Something out there is wrong and causes me to be miserable. The longer you keep accentuating external conditions, the longer you will sail on the rails.

The quicker you take responsibility for your own state of mind, the sooner you will right the ship.

It’s amazing that we never notice that making someone wrong never brings us peace – just continued misery. People want to justify their rightness, and when it becomes a way of life, it seems everything always goes wrong.

You can spend your entire life trying to convince people that you are right but as The Grasshopper has said,

“Some people would rather be right than happy. And preferring to be right, they are left out.”

If you have truly been wronged, please address it. If you simply have to always be right, you are in for a lonely existence.

Getting right is noticing how invested you are in the concept of being “right,” and recognizing the misery that’s attached.

For many, always being right is a protection mechanism from the pain of being wrong. Someone who is always right has been conditioned to feel wrong somewhere along the way. The pain of being wrong is so severe that they cannot even entertain the idea, so they invest all their energy in being right.

Don’t give up your morals, just give up being right.

Being right is like being on drugs. It’s addictive. Begin to wean yourself away by recognizing your need to be right. Just by noticing this pattern of behavior, you begin to bring your boat to an even keel and set sail towards serenity.

All the best,

John

Here’s a blast from my radio past.

Verbs are the action words of the English language. They often communicate movement. Verbs also have tenses – too many to mention, so let’s focus on the three that are used most – past present and future. Reminds me of a story . . .

Back in 1974 I was offered a radio job in St. Louis by a man I came to like less and less. I was, however, impressed by a piece of information he shared with me on the phone. He told me that my performance would improve by making one slight adjustment – using action verbs. For example, if you are the morning DJ on a station, you may say something like, “WXYZ the home of the hits and you may be having trouble popping out of bed this morning so here is my way of helping you with a song by Stark Naked & the Car Thieves on WXYZ.”

His suggestion would be to say, “WXYZ – the home of the hits pops you out of bed and gets you on your way. Here’s Stark Naked & The Car Thieves on WXYZ.” It was more succinct and communicated more action. Little did I know that was the only helpful piece of information he would ever offer.

Have you noticed that action can only take place now?

“I raked the leaves last fall” has no impact on the pile sitting on your lawn right now. Action may have taken place in the past but that is only a memory now. Raking is not happening now. It happened then.

“I’m going to begin an exercise program” has no current action attached to it. It’s deferred to the future, yet our mind thinks we have taken action by making this declaration.

How many of your verbs are past and future related? Action can only take place in the present tense.

One of my most unfavorite phrases is, “I tried that.” Forget for a moment that the word “try” connotes no action. When I investigate the person’s use of this phrase with follow-up questions, I usually discover there was a lack of necessary effort on their part to achieve their goal.

Goals require sustained action. The athlete who only turns it on for the big game will have a shorter career than most. When his physical prowess begins to diminish, he has nothing to fall back on. The athlete who takes sustained action elongates his professional window of opportunity.

How much hit and miss is present in your life? It boils down to a noun that needs the moving energy of a verb – Action.

After formulating a goal, here is a suggestion: Ask yourself, “What action can I take right now to move towards this desire?” The answer may be “nothing at this time” but there is action embedded in the question.

Develop the practice of asking yourself, “What action can I take right now?” You will surprise yourself how much more action you take by asking this one simple present moment question.

Go ahead, give it a spin right now and see what happens.

WHAT ACTION CAN I TAKE RIGHT NOW?

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper came up with this definition the other day: “Justifications: Telltale signs that you’re not working on a solution.”

I recently wrote something called “Explaining Why Until You Die“ and this post is an addendum to that observation.

Justifications either move you backwards or keep you in place. They rarely lead to forward progress.

When we’re busy justifying, we take all our time looking for a scapegoat or a support group to agree with us instead of taking that opportunity to seek a solution.

Solutions can’t occupy the same space as justifications. Justifications and solutions mix even less than oil and water.

I just saw a football player’s apology online. It started with an explanation (justification) of why he did what he did. There is no room in an apology for a justification. It keeps the bad blood in place and the solution you purport to want at arm’s length.

An effective and heartfelt apology is completely falling on your sword. Anything else will come off as half-baked. You may as well have said, “Let them eat cake.”

Here’s a suggestion: If you need to apologize for something, write it out first and then read it over. If it contains any reasons (justifications) why you acted the way you did, it simply won’t work. Take away the justification and clear the way toward a solution.

If you really want a solution, edit out the justification and remove the pollution.

All the best,

John

How often have you heard the phrase, “As I’ve always said” from people who said no such thing?

“As I’ve always said” is a red flag that you’re about to hear some form of a backtrack phrase designed to cover what they emphatically once said to the contrary.

It’s amazing to me the lengths we will go to avoid saying, “I was wrong.”

I’m reminded of the character Fonzie from the 70s TV series “Happy Days” and his inability to say certain words (see clip HERE).

The failure to apologize without justification is just another form of the fear of being wrong.

The smell of elephant dung leaves the room when you make room for being wrong.

The odds for being right all the time are never in our favor. Being able to acknowledge being wrong about something gets you a seat at the adult table.

For you sports fans, I remember saying that quarterback Jameis Winston was going to be the next Vince Young (a college standout who was a flash in the pan as a pro). Boy was I wrong. This kid is flourishing.

How hard is it to acknowledge that your opinion didn’t pan out or that something you did was wrong? You’ll garner more respect and, frankly, feel better when you do.

As I’ve always said, “when I’m right, I’m right.” Too bad for me I can’t say it that often.

All the best,

John

Had a phone conversation with my friend Hali yesterday and she told me about something she noticed. She, being a thrift store shopper, noticed that the thrift stores that have higher end merchandise have more books on inventory than the thrift stores with lower end goods.

It got me to wondering about noticing.

Have you ever noticed that the person who speaks incredibly loud has the least to say?

Have you ever noticed that the people with the most rules are the first to complain?

Have you ever noticed that TV ads for medicines you never heard of contain the words “your doctor” at least 3 times in the ad?

Have you ever noticed that someone who says, “that’s a good question” is stalling?

Have you ever noticed that the most oppositional people you know are also the most immature?

Just a few more . . .

Have you ever noticed that people who say, “I’m sorry, but . . . ” are not sorry?

Have you ever noticed that people who speak in hyperbole always under-deliver?

Have you ever noticed the most angry people you know are also the most sad?

This may sound like a rant and it is, but the larger point is to start noticing the bothersome things we do that cause others to say, “Have you ever noticed?” about you.

All the best,

John

Knowledge and Wisdom are associated but not interchangeable. Here’s a little nip of nectar The Grasshopper gave me 10 years ago:

“Expanding your life horizontally gains you knowledge; expanding vertically gains you wisdom.”

Knowledge is a collection of facts and figures and logic is the assembling agent for them. Wisdom comes from somewhere other than reasoning and guides you as to what to do with your personal collection of data.

When you walk horizontally from birth to death, you will collect your share of information and you will become more knowledgeable. Some people wear their knowledge as a badge of honor and will regale you with their storehouse of information. I’ve heard it said that “Knowledge is power.” The evidence does not bear out that old axiom. A more accurate adage would be “Wisdom is power.”

How many people have more knowledge than you could ever hope to amass and do nothing with it? They lack wisdom. It doesn’t take education to be wise. Sometimes it takes experience to produce wisdom, and sometimes wisdom just shows up for an unannounced, inspirational visit.

I have no quarrel with education. I think life should be a constant class of continuing education. Just recognize that knowledge alone is like one hand clapping or one Smothers Brother.

The well of wisdom sits in everyone’s back yard. You just have to drink from it from time to time gain the heights and depths this deep knowing can deliver.

A day without quiet contemplation is a day without wisdom. Make the time for yourself everyday and take a mini vacation from the world of facts and figures and notice how your moments become infused with wisdom.

Find a spiritual practice that works for you. There are so many that take you to the same place – peacefulness, solitude, oneness. Make today the starting point for a daily dip into the depths of discovery and start drinking from your well of wisdom.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper had this to say yesterday: “My life is more important to me than my lifestyle.”

What a revelation!

Do you remember the mindset known as “Keeping up with the Joneses?” That meant you had to match your neighbor’s lifestyle to be considered worthy. Judging your worth by what you have is an American mainstay that needs to go away.

What about the breadwinners who slaved extra hours to be able to provide what the Joneses had, only to impair their health and well-being in the process? Where’s the win there – an earlier grave with a fancier coffin?

There is sacrifice and there is madness. Keeping your nose to the grindstone for the sake of lifestyle is lunacy.

Working hard to attain worthwhile goals is fulfilling. Doing so to increase your perceived worth is worthless.

I’m not sure how many years or minutes any of us have left but I know this: Living my life without having to superficially manufacture worth is purposeful and priceless.

This is not a rant on what money can’t buy. It’s more to shine a spotlight on our purpose in life. I don’t think anyone’s purpose is to be a showboat. If it is, they’ll surely sink with the sun.

I don’t often ask “Why” questions but here’s one that works for me: Why are you here? What’s your purpose?

Let your purpose flow into everything you do and let the Joneses keep up with you.

All the best,

John

How do you stop being angry? For that to happen, I believe you have to be tired of being angry.

For some people, anger fuels them; for most, it depletes us. Those fueled by anger eventually burn out earlier than the rest. That means they die sooner.

Becoming tired of being angry takes some recognition – the recognition that anger isn’t working for you. You begin to recognize that it’s taking its toll and it’s wearing you out.

Recognizing your anger doesn’t mean you won’t get angry again. It just means that you’ll let it go sooner.

Reminds me of something Jerry Stocking said some years ago: “Judge quickly.” I took that to mean that we all judge in some form or another. The key is to have your judgement, then let it go. Because if you let the judgment continue, it turns into drama and if the drama wears on, your judgement becomes a fact of life rather than an opinion. The same applies to anger.

Let your angry moment have its moment. Then let it go.

Are you tired of being worn out? Try giving anger a sleeping pill. Justifying your anger just keeps it awake.

To stop being angry, you have to recognize that you are. Then you can give anger its say and then send it on its way.

Let me close with one of my favorite quotes from The Buddha: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

All the best,

John

Here’s one of the longest blog posts I’ve ever written from a long time ago. Don’t pay too careful attention to it unless you’re a man or woman.

There is one major difference that separates men from women – the way they display fear.

I’m not referencing the fear that comes upon you when you are under deadly assault. This is more about the fear that permeates your life in general.

By and large, men lead their lives frustrated and women go through life dissatisfied. I’m sure there are elegant examples to the contrary but if you just said “this doesn’t apply to me,” you are most likely in denial.

Dr. Dave Dobson, whom I cite often, says that we come out of the birthing canal with one sensation – fear. The way we display it and the degree to which we act it out takes on a vocabulary of its own – apprehension, cautiousness, anger, nervousness, annoyed, hurt, fight or flight, paranoia, etc. These words are all subsets of the thing we first learn – fear.

Frustration and Dissatisfaction are forms of fears that have been culturally conditioned within men and women. Think of little boys being admonished for crying, while there is a level of expectation for crying in little girls. It’s all part of the early conditioning that affects most men and women their entire lives.

Did you ever see a group of 5 year old girls playing King of the Mountain? “Young ladies don’t engage in that behavior” is a conditioning phrase as is, “Little boys don’t play with dolls” – (unless, of course, they have weapons and are called “action figures”).

Men have been conditioned since a very early age that they “must know and know right now.” It’s an expectation. Frankly, it’s the reason there are more stuttering boys than girls. The speed with which they are to answer pressures them to say something before the response is formed. The impatient parent causes them to have a halting response which becomes a pattern. Stutterers aren’t born but formed.

When the boss asks a man for an answer, there is no time for quiet reflection. An instant answer is expected and given – often the wrong answer. Women are puzzled when they tell their man their problems as to why he goes into solution mode. It’s his conditioning. She may just want a sounding board but men are conditioned to have to know. It’s also why many men won’t stop and ask for directions.

Men live under a double bind where an impossible demand is put upon them that they are expected to fulfill. Philosopher, Alan Watts said it this way:

“Anybody who lives under the dominance of a double bind is living in a state of chronic frustration. He is devoting his life to solving a problem that is meaningless and nonsensical precisely because it has no solution.”

This cultural expectation of men has them constantly seeking control, which doesn’t exist, that just adds to the frustration and often leads to anger. Who attends more anger management classes, men or women? You now have an appreciation how it got to be that way.

Women live in a stew of dissatisfaction. They can never seem to get where they want to go because something always seems to be standing in their way or holding them back. Conditioning is the culprit. Think of the attitudes that have been displayed in the past towards women. “Why does she want to go to college? We’ll just spend all that money and she’ll wind up married and pregnant.” There is not a lot of expectation for girls in many cultures and that attitude gets passed on. Women as a result do a lot of settling. They settle for this and they settle for that until it blossoms into full blown dissatisfaction.

There comes a point in most women’s lives where they ask some form of the question, “Is this all there is?” it’s when women begin to fall apart. It means their patterns are coming unglued and things that had meaning for them in the past no longer contain the same meaning. Any superficiality they have begins to come unraveled.

Warning: It gets tricky here.

When the old patterns begin to fall apart, they dig their heels in for one last stand (like Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan). Women actually become more superficial during this time. They do so many things out of character. They’ll get into therapy, take dangerous prescription drugs like Prozac and the like, they’ll get a tattoo on their butt, get a wild new hairdo, or institute a major wardrobe change, have an affair, get a divorce, start smoking pot, yadda, yadda.

The good news is most women figure it out, well before men, that nothing on the outside is going to change their life. That’s when the superficiality ends and they put their lives back together and find satisfaction in discovering themselves vs. their role. They had been searching for satisfaction in a cultural role that was denied them. That’s the sad irony. The satisfaction isn’t in the role; it’s in discovering that who you really are is much deeper than anything that culture has to offer.

Sorry to report that most men stay superficial until about 10 minutes before they die. It’s conditioning. The illusion of control has them hang on, for almost their entire life, to the idea that the answer is out there.

I can tell you from experience that one of the most peaceful experiences you’ll witness is a dying man giving up control. The peacefulness that they enjoy in those fleeting moments could have been with them 50 years sooner by discovering, as Eckhart Tolle calls it, “the life beneath your life’s situation.”

If you find yourself in a perpetual state of frustration or dissatisfaction, you need to fall apart. I can tell you from personal experience it’s not a pleasant, yet a necessary step to find the deeper you. Trust that there is a more fulfilling answer than the one you’re looking for by chasing the horizon. You’re going to find that satisfying answer. The only question is: How soon can you let go of the façade that you call you?

All the best,

John