A fair is something you go to that has amusement rides, pie baking contests, wares for sale, livestock to look at, fun side shows and tons of food. It’s also a territory where a baseball lands.

Outside of those two areas, fair doesn’t exist. It’s like The Grasshopper told us moons ago, “Fair is a Fairy Tale.”

We keep injecting “Fair” into conversations where it doesn’t belong and it never serves us.

Fair is a judgement and, like all judgements, it follows a reality that just happened. Something happens and then we judge it as fair or not.

Fair keeps the conversation away from where it needs to go. It keeps us focused on an ideological concept and blind to the reality.

What would happen if someone did something to you that you considered not fair? You could state your position about fairness and then argue about something that doesn’t exist – except in your mind. Your version of fair pitted against their version of fair. It’s a life-long wrestling match.

What would happen if you just told someone how you felt without labeling their behavior as “Fair”?

You would then deal with a real stimulus/response situation and talk about something you could genuinely validate – your feelings.

See how each of these statements feels in your body.

“You just did X and that’s not fair.”

When you do X, I feel unappreciated and don’t think you care.”

When you identify your feelings, you are discussing something real that exists. When you bring up fair, you just argue about definitions.

I’m not going to win the battle to get “Fair” excised from the dictionary, nor would I waste time trying. My objective is to get you curious about the concept of “Fair” and how it may be standing in the way of a resolution.

Life is filled with conflicts. Any time spent evaluating how “Fair” they are is time spent delaying a solution.

Let the arguments about fair remain with the debating teams and umpires. When the discussion is more about something you can validate, your odds of getting a resolution increase exponentially.

That only leaves us with one question: “If a baseball hits a duck in center field, is that a fowl ball?”

All the best,

John

LOSE WEIGHT & KEEP IT OFF
STOP SMOKING FOREVER
SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
IMPROVE YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE
RELAX IN 2 MINUTES
VIRTUAL MASSAGE

The catalyst for calming mental noise is discovering what moment you are in.

My late mentor, Dr. Dave Dobson accurately described most mental angst as belonging to another time. He referred to it as “There and Then.”

When you are consumed with internal flux, chances are the moment you are in has nothing to do with your agitated condition. You are referencing another time.

Just this simple recognition is enough to bring you back to the current moment where none of that torment is present. Reminds me of a story . . .

Many years ago I was traveling on Interstate 95 and was cut off by another driver putting me in precarious circumstances. Adrenaline rushed to my assistance, and a part of me that responded quicker than my intellect, maneuvered me to safety. Phew!

If you’ve ever been in a situation like that, you know that’s not the end of it. The adrenaline stays in your body causing you to feel “wired.” This normally leads to a conversation about all the negative things that could have happened if things didn’t turn out as advantageous as they did. You remain agitated and stuck in a moment that no longer exists.

Lucky for me that I remembered Dr. Dave’s prescription: Take a deep breath and exhale with a sigh. I did just that – about 4 or 5 times. The result was that the adrenaline dissipated and I returned to a much calmer state – one not prone to stay locked in a moment that no longer existed.

As long as the chemical stays in place, your body remains on high alert, which, if prolonged, keeps your tension high and your internal dialogue on full throttle – all because you’re in another moment.

The deep breath and a sigh are your transfer back to the present.

Here are two simple steps to bring you back to the present:

1. Notice that you are referencing “There and Then.”
2. Take a deep breath and sigh it out. (repeat as necessary)

I highly recommend that you use this amazing two-step process. It’s something you can do anytime, anywhere. Practice it in low risk situations (minor annoyances) and you’ll be in the habit of doing it when bigger fish are on the line.

Consider this an early holiday gift from me to you. I cannot tell you how many times it will save you from moments that no longer exist.

All the best,

John

HOW HEALTHY CAN YOU BE?
LOSE WEIGHT & KEEP IT OFF
STOP SMOKING FOREVER
SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
IMPROVE YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE
RELAX IN 2 MINUTES
VIRTUAL MASSAGE

When you pit reality against destiny, it’s a mismatch.

Reality ALWAYS wins.

It’s amazing to me how we try and squeeze reality into our model of destiny. It’s the typical case of attempting to arrange the facts so they support our belief.

There is no arranging reality.

Destiny has an air of resignation about it. “It was meant to be this way.” Truth is, the only meaning it contains is the one you consciously added to it. That would be like saying, “The wind meant to blow off my roof.” The wind doesn’t care. It just is.

No one has a fate for you all lined up and ready to go. When you believe that, you can make an excuse for anything, my favorites of which are: “The Devil made me do it” and “It was God’s plan.”

I can think of no more limiting concept than destiny. It’s something we made up. Notice that reality contains the word “Real.”

Destiny keeps you contained in a self made box. Reality has no limitations.

The only destiny that exists is contained in your patterns of belief. Change your belief and you change your destiny. That’s the reality of destiny.

“I was meant to be poor” is a destiny myth. The reality is, “You were patterned to be poor.”

Your patterns can be your destiny if you let them. The key to a self made destiny is to notice your patterns. So many of them run on automatic pilot that we fail to notice the stimulus/response contained in each one of them.

Noticing that you have patterns is noticing reality. When we begin to notice reality, we begin to see the building blocks of the pattern we have labeled as “Destiny.”

You can create your own destiny; you just have to notice that you have the ability to do so. The process begins by noticing the reality of stimulus/response. When you recognize a stimulus and interrupt your patterned response to it and choose another, you have chosen a new destiny.

Unlike the current model of being resigned to your destiny, the new model of manifesting your own destiny takes some action on your part.

The action is to notice that your “Destiny” was created by your conditioned thoughts and behaviors. When you make the effort to interrupt them and choose others, you will discover the reality of your destiny.

All the best,

John

HOW HEALTHY CAN YOU BE?
LOSE WEIGHT & KEEP IT OFF
STOP SMOKING FOREVER
SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
IMPROVE YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE
RELAX IN 2 MINUTES
VIRTUAL MASSAGE

If the tallest person feels the raindrop first, who’s the first person to tell when your life isn’t working? It often isn’t you.

We get so caught up in the events of our lives that we neglect to reflect. It’s usually someone else who holds a mirror to our face. The difficulty then becomes that we deny it’s us in the mirror, and the person who held it up becomes the enemy.

Just like most people don’t recognize their own voice when they first hear a recording of it, we don’t see the obstacles we put in our own way.

We falsely conclude our nemesis is circumstance. It rarely is.

My friend Hali recently went to a Carolyn Myss workshop and Ms. Myss said something like this: “To tell the truth, you have to be willing to be hated.”

That’s a risk most people won’t take, and when they do, they feel the rage of revulsion.

Parents are keen in spotting the foibles of their children. There’s good reason. They got to watch them develop, they have an interest in their well-being and, through experience, have cataloged their patterned way of doing things. Just notice how oppositional you are to what your parents say about you. Talk to a therapist and ask them how many patients have issues with Mom or Dad.

Mom or Dad often knows more about you than you’re willing to admit – thus the friction.

It also works in reverse. What parent wants to hear the truth from their child? Often the child remains a child in the parents mind, not matter what their age and just aren’t capable, or entitled, to tell the parent the truth. More denial and more repulsion ensue.

It’s hard to hear the truth. It’s so hard for some that they deny it exists.

What truths are you denying and who are you holding accountable for telling these dastardly lies about you? It’s time to let the other person off the hook and take a long hard look – at yourself.

Since it’s so hard to do, begin with a fantasy. Pretend for a moment that what you’ve heard from another countless times is true. After you get over the shock that you aren’t as pretty as you thought, ask yourself, “How am I going to address this?”

Hint: It’s not a fantasy.

It takes courage to hold up a mirror and even more courage to look directly into it. The Grasshopper said it best – “The mirror has no agenda.”

You owe a debt of gratitude to those brave enough to endure your wrath and show you you. Their love is rarely recognized and your acknowledgement is long overdue.

All the best,

John

HOW HEALTHY CAN YOU BE?
LOSE WEIGHT & KEEP IT OFF
STOP SMOKING FOREVER
SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
IMPROVE YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE
RELAX IN 2 MINUTES
VIRTUAL MASSAGE

When you say, “She/He/It really touched me,” what are you really communicating?

My sense is that person, place or thing found the part of you that is the same as them or it.

For example, when you are moved by a passage from an inspiring text, you experience the “In common” part of you – the same “In common” part the author tapped into when they wrote those words, even if they lived thousands of years ago.

The same can be said of a painting, a film, a photograph, a breathtaking sunset or the actions of another.

Who recognized the magnificence? – The part of you that you have in common with the magnificence itself.

The causative creation sparked a sensation within you – the same spark they had at the moment of creating.

Creation is what we have in common. We all go to the same place to get it. It just comes out differently through our human filters. Yet, there is no filtering out the feeling we get when we experience the creation. That’s the true “In common” experience.

Our surface attempts are an effort to get to this deeper “In common” feeling. “Where are you from?” “Do you have children?” “Do you play golf?”

There is a part of us seeking what we have in common. When we limit it to what we have on the surface, we cheat ourselves of the real “In common” experience.

We are creatures of creativity. When we relegate ourselves to rote – fixed ideology, stuck in the mud stubbornness, inflexible imperatives – we cut off our creativity. In this state, the only things we have in common with another are our prejudices.

As a human being, you cannot not create. It really comes down to choosing what kind of creation you’ll make. Will it be a conditioned one, where you only parrot what you intellectually learned, or will it be an unconditioned creation that comes from the deeper place we all have in common?

Creation is our common ground.

It reminds me of a poster I recently saw in a chiropractor’s office. “I learned everything I need to know from Star Wars.”

So it begs the question: How are you going to use your “In common,” creative “Force?”

Will it be to divide and conquer or will you use it to find what we truly have in common?

All the best,

John

HOW HEALTHY CAN YOU BE?
LOSE WEIGHT & KEEP IT OFF
STOP SMOKING FOREVER
SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
IMPROVE YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE
RELAX IN 2 MINUTES
VIRTUAL MASSAGE

It’s a place I’m free to be – My space.

It’s an indescribable feeling. No wonder young people are drawn to set up accounts for themselves and display their expressions of freedom on a place in cyberspace called MySpace.

But that’s not my My Space.

My space is really not a place at all. It’s a feeling. I can’t describe it to you because words fail. It’s like trying to explain being in love to someone who’s never been.

The best I can do is let you know there’s my space for you too.

I’m reminded of the lyrics from an old song called Five O’Clock World.

“But it’s a fve o’clock world when the whistle blows
No one owns a piece of my time.”

There’s no pressure to perform in my space. There is no job waiting to be done, no bells to be rung.

You can’t meet your friends in my space – only yourself.

My space is a cauldron of creativity – an epicenter of expression.

But again, my space is not a place. You can’t reserve a table, no matter how important you are. All you need do is present yourself as ready to enter and you’ll be admitted.

Readying yourself is ridding yourself of all agendas. A cluttered mind cannot enter my space because creativity cannot enter a crowded room. It needs space – My space.

If you’ve ever witnessed an athlete or a musician in the zone, you’ve had a glimpse of my space. There is no conscious effort being expended. It’s a sight to behold.

You can enter your own zone. It’s called “My Space.”

It’s good for what ails you and an investment in becoming more alive.

After visiting my space, you become more awake to what’s already here
That which was cloudy becomes abundantly clear.
If you haven’t set up an account yet, know this – It’s free!
All you have to do is stop trying to be.

Let your “to do” list just slip away
If only for a moment, as you create a brand new day.
Calm your breathing and slow your pace
and prepare to enter your zone of expression – My Space.

All the best,

John

HOW HEALTHY CAN YOU BE?
LOSE WEIGHT & KEEP IT OFF
STOP SMOKING FOREVER
SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
IMPROVE YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE
RELAX IN 2 MINUTES
VIRTUAL MASSAGE

The Grasshopper was up early this morning and had this to say, “Most people have the wrong ‘tude.”

Then I heard him say, “Gratitude is a bird you can’t overcook.”

Seems we all have an “attitude” about something. The thing we too often don’t realize is that it hurts us more than the person we give “attitude” to.

Our ‘tude makes us brood.

Brooding is on the other side of the continuum from gratitude.

Are you bringing “attitude” to Thanksgiving dinner?” It’s a question worth asking. Attitude is something best left off the menu because it’s difficult to digest and worse than food poisoning.

Here’s one suggestion: Check your attitude at the door and change into your gratitude apparel. There is always something to be grateful for, and you can always grab your ‘tude on your way out if you want.

Or, even better, use Jerry Stocking‘s exercise and bring the opposite forces together in your body – ‘Tude and Gratitude. The objective is to bring them in from the opposite poles and have them neutralize each other to see what shows up in their place. It’s a great way to calibrate yourself to a place of creativity, so you’re not bringing something contrived for consumption.

No one benefits by your “attitude,” especially you.

As we head into Thanksgiving, give some consideration to whom you’ll be bringing to dinner – you or your ‘tude.

Happy Thanksgiving!

John

The master plan is one I cannot see

Although I know there’s one for me

And even though I won’t figure it out

It permeates my life; I have no doubt

All the best,

John

HOW HEALTHY CAN YOU BE?
LOSE WEIGHT & KEEP IT OFF
STOP SMOKING FOREVER
SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
IMPROVE YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE
RELAX IN 2 MINUTES
VIRTUAL MASSAGE

I’ve always been intrigued by homonyms – words that are pronounced in the same way as other words but have a different meaning.

I could write, “Mary is an old sow and sew” and unless you heard it you may not glean that I meant she was the main character in a fairy tale who just happened to be a grandmother pig who stitched things together for the family.

This morning on my way to the kitchen to brew a cup of tea, The Grasshopper popped in from out of the blue and said, “Reality is your ruler.” I immediately went back to my grade school homonym training and tried to decipher which “ruler” he meant – the overlord or the measuring device?

Turns out it’s both.

The most accurate measuring stick is reality. Anything else will give you a false measurement. When we estimate something different than it really is, we haven’t measured with the ruler of reality. Every time we do that, we re-enter the world of illusion – filled with magic tricks and diversion that divert our attention from what is – the only measurement that’s accurate. When we build with false measurements, we engineer predictable chaos.

When you finally recognize that reality rules your life, you know whom to recognize and pay homage to. When we deny that reality is our ruler, we organize uprisings that lead us back to the land of what isn’t – a fictional place that fosters foment. It’s a vicious circle that always has us railing against reality – our ruler.

“Reality Rules” is a bumper sticker I would put on my car. It’s never not the case. Reality always wins the day.

Had a crappy day at work? Reality wins. Had a fantastic day at work? Reality wins again. A moment can never be how it isn’t.

When you recognize reality as your ruler, you have a golden opportunity to respond to it rather than rise up against it.

Some people never get tired of fighting with God. They spend their whole life importuning that their life should be different than it is. I even get atheists’ attention when I say that reality is God.

If I said “God is our ruler,” my message would be cast aside as a pie in the sky pronouncement by many who have no time for man-made religion. I respect that.

When you think of your ruler as reality, the message gets through to many more people. God is a polarizing concept. Have you noticed that “Infinity” isn’t? We can all agree on that unknowable concept, but not an unseen deity.

Reality is the measurable chunk of infinity that’s happening now. If you recognize that chunk as the only way it can be now, you clear space in your mind for how you can create a different reality in the future. If you go into denial, you just get thrown into the battle of “I wish it wasn’t this way” which keeps your full attention on what isn’t and keeps you from creating what could be.

My suggestion is you throw away your old warped, wooden ruler and use the one that’s precise every time – Reality. Once you swear allegiance to it, you have an opportunity to create a whole new reality.

All the best,

John

HOW HEALTHY CAN YOU BE?
LOSE WEIGHT & KEEP IT OFF
STOP SMOKING FOREVER
SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
IMPROVE YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE
RELAX IN 2 MINUTES
VIRTUAL MASSAGE

About 25 years ago I wrote a little booklet for clients called, “Who’s in Charge?”

It was a pedestrian attempt to make the point that we are in charge of our response. One of the questions I asked was, “What feels better, someone saying ‘You’re responsible’ or someone saying, ‘You’re in charge’?” Most folks picked, “You’re in charge.” By and large, we just don’t like to be responsible.

If you are able to read and comprehend, you’re responsible. What that really means is you are able to respond.

We are so conditioned to react that we forget that we’re responsible. Many have spelled it out this way: Response-able.

You have a choice in every situation in life. You can react or you can respond.

Now let me just say that you would be one busy little bee if you chose to respond to everything. Automatic reactive patterns run a good portion of our lives and they are to be cherished. Jumping out of the way of an oncoming bus comes to mind. I like that reaction. It’s productive.

So let me make a bold statement. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU!

Notice your reaction to that statement. It was immediate. You may agree or disagree but your reaction came so quickly that you didn’t have a chance to respond.

A softer version of that bold statement is: You are able to respond to everything that happens to you.

Your reaction to something may be automatic but if you’re observant, you can notice the reaction, while it’s happening, and quickly turn it into a response. You’re responsible!

Here is the wisdom in being responsible. The more often you choose a response to a situation that continually repeats itself, the sooner you turn it into a new productive reaction. That means the new behavior happens automatically without you having to plan it out step-by-step.

You train yourself to outgrow a reaction that’s not working and automatically replace it with one that will. That process begins with being responsible.

This is not traditional behavior modification. That’s a conscious attempt to control every step of the process and has an astronomical failure rate.

Noticing your reactions, while they are happening, is the first step towards becoming responsible. The noticing is a clutch you engage in your automatic thinking preventing it from staying in gear. The magic comes about as you, all of a sudden, begin to see other gears appear. These are options that would have remained hidden had you stayed stuck in gear. The second and final step is to choose one of those new gears. Now you’re responsible – able to choose a response. The more often you do it, the more responsible you become.

You are able to respond; you just have to notice that you’re reacting. Think of reacting as doing a one person off Broadway show where everything is tightly scripted, and view responding as improv. With improv, you don’t plan what’s going to come out, you just choose to go in another direction and know the result won’t be the same old stale script.

Responsible isn’t a bad word once you appreciate how quickly it opens doors to new behavior.

By the way, you’re responsible for anything wonderful that comes your way as a result of shifting gears.

All the best,

John

HOW HEALTHY CAN YOU BE?
LOSE WEIGHT & KEEP IT OFF
STOP SMOKING FOREVER
SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
IMPROVE YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE
RELAX IN 2 MINUTES
VIRTUAL MASSAGE