One of the many synonyms for the word “Indelible” is “Unforgettable.”

There are things that leave such a permanent mark on you that you’ll never forget them. They’re indelible.

The first time I encountered the word was as a child when I heard about indelible ink. It couldn’t be removed no matter what. Then the next usage for the word came from the nuns who taught me. “Sins will make an indelible mark on your soul.” Leave it to the good sisters to come up with a negative definition for the word.

Indelible has a different meaning for me now.

There was an indelible mark placed on our soul, but it wasn’t sinful. It was a homing device.

The sin is forgetting that we have an unforgettable part of us.

There is a part of us that we can’t forget about; it’s always beaming a signal to bring us home.

It’s running in the background 24/7 and it never breaks down. It’s like a lighthouse beam that perpetually shines, even on the foggiest of nights.

We were born as a complete package. We came with everything we needed no matter how flawed our conditioning taught us we were.

In spite of all the limitations we learned that crowded out our completeness, there is always an indelible mark that can’t be removed no matter what. That indelible mark leads us back to the treasure we left behind.

Everyone is trying to complete the loop to get back home to completeness. We know completeness is there because it’s indelibly etched in our soul.

We start out searching for completeness outside of ourselves because that’s what we’ve been taught. It’s an outward journey with thrills and chills like an amusement ride with loops, bends and sharp turns, but it always takes you to the same place – back to square one.

We spend most of our lives in the amusement park pretending we are home.

But we know we’re not home because of the empty feeling we have. It’s hard sating your appetite with cotton candy.

The trip back home begins with the recognition that completeness is not out there. Once we make that discovery, we can turn the corner and head for home.

Home is where we are complete, a place we’ve forgotten about, but it has never forgotten us. It keeps sending us signals lighting the way.

If you keep coming up empty on your outward trip, chances are it’s time to turn around and head in the opposite direction and complete the trip back to completeness.

When you discover the indelible part of you that’s always enough, you are complete. You can then lay your head down anywhere and always feel at home.

All the best,

John

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I can tell you from personal experience that walking on hot coals is easier than walking on eggshells.

Eggshell walking will drive you to drink, or worse.

Walking on eggshells is a great skill to have but it can only be effective in small doses. When omelets are always the main course, Humpty Dumpty’s fall can easily be predicted.

We are all involved in relationships – partners, spouses, children, parents, family members, friends and acquaintances. A relationship’s future can easily be predicted by the amount of eggshell walking that’s done.

If you have to walk on eggshells around someone, it’s only a matter of time before that relationship ends.

There will be no surprise when someone who ends this type of relationship tells you their news because they will have egg all over their face.

One of the best pieces of wisdom I came across many years ago was this: Teach people how to treat you. That means when something truly bothers you, address it early on, because if you wait, the yoke’s on you.

Withholding is a disservice we all do to ourselves. If it’s continued over time, it will cause us to crack up.

Just about everyone knows the quote, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” What they may not know is the lead-up sentence to that quote from the ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu. It reads, “Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”

Eggshell may be the color that goes with everything when painting a room, but as a way of life it keeps your emotions cooped up way too long.

If you’re already in that type of relationship, I feel sorry for you, but my sympathy won’t help. Even though the best advice is to address eggshell behavior when it first surfaces, you may have ignored that sage wisdom. It still may not be too late if you finally decide to address the chicken in the room.

Something as easy as, “When you do _______, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to keep this relationship together” will begin to address the issue.

People have to know you are walking on eggshells around them in order for the eggshell walking to stop. Rather than talk exclusively about what they’re doing, it’s more personal and effective when you express how you feel about it.

If your relationship with someone is not all it’s cracked up to be, perhaps it’s time to stop walking on eggshells.

It may save you from a lifetime of playing chicken.

All the best,

John

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One of the definitions for the word “Sophisticated” is “Complicated,” as in we’ve made something simple, complicated.

We’ve added layers of sophistication or complication to our lives that make it difficult for us to get back to true north.

Over the holiday weekend, I went to a beautiful, local park with the express purpose of taking some photographs. I got more than some great pictures; I got a glimpse back at uncomplicated life.

There were scores of people having family gatherings and picnics in the park. Kids were flying kites, throwing frisbees and playing tag. The adults were laughing and telling stories and bringing out home prepared food for everyone to eat. It was totally unsophisticated and wonderful to watch.

Then yesterday, I got to watch uncomplicated life play out again. I got to spend some time with my three granddaughters at a barbeque at my son’s house. They were living life to its fullest on this very hot day – They were running through the sprinkler. It reminded me of being a kid when it was hot in the city. Someone would open up a fire hydrant and we would all run through the splashing water – Heaven on earth.

These two slices of life just served to remind me how far our sophistication has taken us away from the simple enjoyment of life.

How often have we said, “When I have this, I’ll be happy”? Happiness doesn’t require a “This.” That’s the complicated side of sophistication rearing its ugly head. We’ve convinced ourselves that we need more than we are to enjoy life. It’s just not the case – never has been and never will be.

When our goal is sophistication, our lives get complicated because we are chasing that which can’t complete us. The piece we miss in the chase is that we are already complete, already enough.

This is not an argument against the finer things in life; it’s more of a focus on the lost focus of life’s simpler things.

Money couldn’t buy what I experienced over the holiday weekend. You may argue that life is more complicated than a walk in the park, but, from my perspective, not much more.

All the best,

John

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About 25 years ago, I uttered these words to someone out of frustration: “You are your own reward.”

I was attempting to insult them because I thought they were acting spinelessly in a situation that affected me. My intent was to let them know they had to live with themselves, and that couldn’t be very inviting.

It wasn’t until much later that I came to the realization that my observation is universally true for all of us, at all times – We are all our own reward.

We live with ourselves 24/7. It’s either a welcoming place or it’s not.

What are we coming home to each day?

In the past, when I observed someone acting miserable, I would label them as such and shun them as though they had a contagious disease.

I’m still not entirely comfortable around miserable people, but I have more empathy for them now. It arose out of nowhere one day when I said these words: “Imagine what it’s like having to live inside their head.”

We all come back to the same mooring post each day and our life will be affected by the thoughts we are harboring.

The standard self help prescriptions don’t seem to work: “Change your thoughts, change your life” or my personal favorite, “Think positive.”

A positive thought doesn’t cancel a negative thought; it just sets up an internal argument.

There is a process that makes what you think more rewarding – Noticing your thinking.

Timing is everything in this process. The key is to catch yourself in mid thought and just observe your thoughts as though you are a third party.

The key for this to be effective is to just witness your thoughts as they go by, not judge them or engage them. What you will discover by noticing your thoughts is that your thoughts think you, not the other way around.

If the thoughts in your head are not welcoming thoughts, begin to observe them as though you are watching a movie. We all have the ability to do this simple process.

The reward is that, when observed, thoughts have less of a hold on you.

When you are watching your thoughts, you aren’t engaging with your thoughts, which gives them no one to argue with and they begin to fade away.

This isn’t a one-time quick fix. They will come back to tempt you into an argument. Did you ever notice that some people like to argue for argument’s sake? Your thoughts are the same way. That’s why some people are more miserable than others; they’re inside arguing with their thoughts.

By observing your thoughts, you are training yourself not to argue with them. The more adept you get at observation, the less you’ll deal with unwelcomed thoughts. When observed, thoughts know they can’t goad you into fighting and they come back less often.

Since we are all our own reward, observation insures that we are properly rewarded.

All the best,

John

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I may have written about this before; it’s tougher to remember as I get older, so this is my take on DOs and DON’Ts.

We give too much attention to what we don’t want and too little attention to what we do want and the result is this:

We spend too much time evaluating and precious little focus on doing.

Goals are easier to reach when they are in focus. What keeps them fuzzy is spending the lion’s share of time culling through options that will never be chosen.

It’s an easy trap to fall into because “DON’T WANTS” have a lot of opinions attached to them, and who doesn’t like giving their opinion?

“I don’t want the yellow one because that’s not the color that signifies the message I’m trying to present. It’s too middle-of-the-road and it doesn’t present a strong image that’s needed in these times when people are looking for solid approaches, blah, blah.”

That rant could go on for days if you let it.

The trick is to notice that you are focusing on what you don’t want. That strategy serves as a detour away from what you do want.

DOs and DON’Ts are time management options. If you want to fritter your time away and stay further from your goal, choose “Don’t.”

“DO” is a more direct road to your desire, and it’s easier to formulate a strategy to get there when you can see your destination.

Reminds me of a story . . .

My mother was old school when it came to credit. Yes, she had a mortgage and car payment and eventually had a credit card, one that she paid in full each month. When she wanted something, she would find out how much it cost and determine how much money she would have to save each week in order to get it. The financial plan and its execution came after she decided what she did want.

It amazing how we seem to find a way when we decide what we DO want.

Here’s a suggestion: DO take a few moments and evaluate your personal DOs and DON’Ts strategy. What you may find is that what you DO want is closer than you think, especially if you take the time to bypass the DONTs.

Final thought: It’s productive to look before you leap, just make sure you don’t get sidetracked by playing leapfrog.

All the best,

John

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All the best,

John

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One of the biggest lies we have bought into is: MY STORY IS DIFFERENT.

No it’s not. It’s the same as everyone else’s.

Notice how you bristle when you hear that yours is not different.

The content of your story may be different, but the drama and pain that stems from it is the same.

Do you hurt more than another when a similar circumstance happens to you? People make a case for that position all the time. “You think that hurt, well let me tell you about the time that Bobby . . .”

The one-upmanship story telling feeds drama.

Drama comes about when you buy into the illusion that your story is better, worse, or more important than another’s. This false sense of importance is what keeps the story being retold and keeps the drama alive long past its shelf date.

“No one hurts like I do or was wronged the way I was” is the driving force that keeps the story alive and keeps us trapped by drama and keeps us hurting.

Years ago I went through a divorce that was painful. Millions of people at that very same time were going through divorces, but mine was different, or so I thought.

I remember having a conversation with a boyhood friend whose wife had also moved on. I remember thinking that he didn’t love his wife as much as I loved mine and therefore his story was not on the same level as mine. Mine was more important. The words I forgot to put at the end of that sentence were “To me.” My story was more important to me.

It’s the “more important than anyone else’s” belief that keeps us telling and retelling our story, and it keeps our drama alive.

We are attempting to alleviate our pain through our never ending storytelling and we haven’t stopped to notice that it isn’t working.

If you pay attention to the people you are telling your story to for the hundredth time, you will notice them stifling a yawn. This includes your best friend, your family members and your therapist.

It’s more productive to feel your hurt than it is to tell your story again.

Feeling your hurt begins with eliminating the word “Because” from your situation. Your situation is “I am hurting.” Please notice the period at the end of that sentence. “I am hurting, period.”

“I am hurting because” takes you back to “Story-land” and Story-land is filled with never ending drama and life-long pain.

Addressing your hurt begins by locating the sensation in your body and sitting with it – not talking it over in your head again.

When you are hurting, no matter what the cause, there is a part of your body being affected. The sensation will most often show up somewhere between your head and your bowels along the midline of your body.

When you notice the sensation associated with your hurt and keep your focus on it, you will notice something transformative happen. You will begin to metabolize your hurt. That means it begins to dissipate. When you locate the sensation in your body, the temptation is to talk about the cause of it in your head. Resist that temptation and stay focused on the sensation in your body. This is how transformation begins.

It takes more effort to sit with your hurt than it does to share your pain through story again, but the results are worth the effort.

This is not a recommendation to silently suffer in your head; it’s an action to take to alleviate pain.

You’ll never talk your way out of pain no matter how convincing you are or how important your story is. You can, however, feel yourself out of pain.

If you think you need help with your pain, by all means consult a professional counselor. Just don’t fall into the trap that constantly talking about your feelings puts you in touch with your feelings. The opposite is true; it keeps you distant from them.

Drama and pain are synonymous. If you keep telling your story, you’ll have a lifetime supply of both of them.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper showed up between the raindrops yesterday and had this to say: “The party never ends because the party never began.”

It sounded like a riddle within a conundrum, so I just let it sit.

What is “The Party”? My sense is it has different meanings depending on the angle from which it’s viewed.

One definition is that “The Party” is a lifestyle; another is that it is life itself.

The never ending crowd is the lifestyle wing of the party; life itself is a party of one.

To continually seek the party means you have never discovered how to celebrate yourself.

You bring the party with you wherever you go when you celebrate your own party of one.

If you’re looking for it everywhere you go, you’ll spend a lifetime attempting to begin. You can’t start from there; you have to begin from here.

“Here” is an appreciation of your connection to creativity. You find that you are a conduit from which the party flows; therefore it goes wherever you go.

Party seekers feel as though they are never enough. They feel incomplete. This causes them to endlessly seek out “The Party.”

They haven’t begun to search right where they are because they are too busy looking for the party out there somewhere.

For the party to begin for a party seeker, they have to stop their outward search long enough to find their inner party.

The self image of a party seeker sits on the lowest rung of the ladder because they’re afraid of new heights. Climbing up that ladder would shatter their image of not being enough – a position they’ve grown accustomed to.

Climbing that ladder takes some risks. You have to risk losing who you think you are to stop losing. When you discover that you’re more than the sum total of your thoughts, you discover “The Party.”

The endless seeking has to end in order for the party to begin.

If you feel as though you’re not enough, I encourage you to stop seeking long enough to find that you’re deserving of an engraved invitation to “The Party.”

All the best,

John

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In general, I sense that people don’t like being told what to do.

You could say that most of us, to some degree, are allergic to authority.

I believe that the degree to which we resist authority, determines how well we play with others.

Whether you are an iconoclast who challenges tradition or a “they say black, I say white” person, you are challenging authority. We all have a measure of polarity to being told what to do or what to believe, and the more of it we have, the less appeal we have to offer.

The degree to which you are allergic to authority demonstrates how much Peter Pan
you have in you. “I won’t grow up” is the silent mantra of seasoned adults still fighting for control.

Our first taste of control came as a child and many of us have never completely lost that taste. If there is any doubt about who is running the show, just witness who’s in charge when a two year old says “No.”

As we mature, that allergic reaction calms down. For most of us it gets to a manageable level, but for some it comes out to play every day.

If you are having trouble connecting with, or staying connected to people, take a look at how often you sneeze at authority.

It’s a repellant to others.

As fun as it would be to see, you’ll never witness a meeting of the “Polar Opposites Club” because they can’t agree where to meet.

In short, polarity is being allergic to authority. If you refuse to allow that part of you to mature, you douse yourself with a dose of manure.

Bottom line: You won’t pass the sniff test with others.

All the best,

John

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It occurred to me that when you receive an idea from out of the blue, it doesn’t contain a step-by-step plan to see it through. It comes as a broad stroke.

It’s up to us to act on it and come up with a plan.

Yesterday, The Grasshopper delivered one of his broad strokes. He said, “How you broaden yourself is by including others.”

I instantly knew that there was something in there, but it wasn’t specifically apparent where to go next. It had to sit for awhile.

The first glimmer of light that came through was that others are our teachers. It’s very difficult to broaden yourself if you come from a position of self contained (that’s code for know-it-all).

We become stagnant when our learning comes to a halt. That happens when we believe no one else has anything to teach us.

I’ve been at that point many times in my life and each time that feeling took hold of me, I became an isolated island of smugness.

There aren’t any dancing girls on this island, in fact there’s no one there but you. Everyone else has left. They’re out learning something new.

The trick is to notice that you’re isolated and alone.

Others will always be our salvation. Others have experiences we don’t own and when our experience mixes with theirs, something new comes to both of us. We learn from others and this broadens us.

Many have a tendency to learn something new and then treat it as the only way there is. They shut down to anything that goes against what they’ve just adopted as the supreme position.

When we take this approach, we believe we have flattened the learning curve but in reality we have flatlined our learning.

Everyone has something to teach you but you’ll never enter their classroom if you only occupy the principal’s office. The only broadening that action brings is to get us more fatheaded.

If what you know is a closed loop, others will bore you to tears and you’ll avoid them and what they have to offer, only to be left crying alone in your beer.

In broad strokes: If your way is the only way, you’ve got a lot to learn.

All the best,

John