On first blush, there doesn’t seem to be a difference between being “taken care of” and being “tended to.”

I submit it’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a Yugo.

Pretend you are at a restaurant and your server is “tending to you.” Now imagine you are at that same restaurant and that same server is “taking care of you.” Which scenario feels better?

To me, “tended to” feels like something is missing; “taken care of” feels complete.

This isn’t a critique on waiters and waitresses; it’s an observation on how we experience parts of ourselves.

Are you tending to your needs or are you being take care of?

I had an awakening experience over the summer that convinced me once and for all that there is a part of us that takes complete care of us. The feeling is indescribable and the experience is unmistakable. Everything is taken care of and nothing is missing.

The trick in getting to this experience is to stop tending to things.

That’s another way of saying, “Stop trying to figure everything out and discover the place where all the figuring has been done.”

When we “tend to things” we are attempting to exert conscious control over all possible contingencies. “We will figure it out” is our battle cry. That approach involves a lot of head noise that crowds out solutions.

We experience the part of us that takes care of us when we cede conscious control. In the religious world, this practice is commonly referred to as “Let go and let God.”

When we let go of the noise, we not only bathe in a sea of creativity, but also experience being totally taken care of. It’s a blissfully, reassuring experience that returns us to our conscious world with more ability to tend to things.

You don’t need more tending to; you have enough of that already. You need to be taken care of and that experience is closer than your next thought.

All the best,

John

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A good story has an arc – a beginning, a middle point and an ending. So it is with life.

I read somewhere that we all check out (die) in the middle of some story.

Reminds me of a story . . .

It was late September 2002. I was having a telephone conversation with my father and we were talking football. He was a lifelong Philadelphia Eagles fan and I’ve been a New England Patriots fan since the early 80s. I told him my team was going to the Superbowl that year and he scoffed. “How can you be so sure this early in the season?” I said, “It’s just a feeling.” He said he thought the Eagles would make the playoffs but thought they were a year or two away from the Superbowl.

The Patriots did go to the Superbowl that year and two years later the Eagles went too and, as luck would have it, so did the Patriots.

My Dad died less than a month after we had that conversation. He didn’t live to see either of our predictions come true. He died in the middle of an arc.

That didn’t prevent him from enjoying wherever he was on the arc. He was involved with something mentally and physically right up until he left us.

The arc is our life story. Within that story, we can choose where to focus – backward, forward or wherever we are right now. It’s the focus on our current position that brings us the most juice. Going backward and forward drains our energy and our joie de vivre goes down the drain.

If you’re watching a movie that has really captured your interest you know what it’s like to be absorbed in the moment. If, on the other hand, you stop to look at your watch and determine that the movie has been running for an hour and 50 minutes and it’s only 2 hours long, you suddenly discover that there are only 10 minutes left. You have checked out of the moment by putting your focus elsewhere and have ruined the experience.

Outside of death row residents, hardly anyone knows precisely how much time they have left. It seems a shame that too often we focus on where we’re not, bringing tension and pain to whatever time we do have left.

It’s true that we will leave this plane of existence in the middle of some arc. Doesn’t it make sense to forget about the time line and enjoy the only time we have – now?

I enjoyed that conversation with my father and he did too. Little did either of us know that soon his time would be through.

All the best,

John

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I’ve written and read enough about gratefulness that I wasn’t sure there was anything new to say, until this morning.

As we approach Thanksgiving in the U.S., we will express our thanks and gratitude in our traditional way. It got me to wondering about an incentive to do it with regularity past this one day.

We’ve heard all the benefits of being grateful, but I think one of them gets overlooked. It makes us feel good.

How many other ways are we attempting to feel good that have side effects? The list is long and getting longer.

Expressing gratitude makes us feel good every time and there aren’t any heebie-jeebies or hangovers attached.

If for no other reason, entertain gratitude because it makes you feel good. You can be selfish about it without any guilt.

The more gratitude you express, the better you feel.

Don’t be grateful for any esoteric reason, do it because it makes you feel good. “Be Selfish, Be Grateful” may not show up on a bumper sticker, but maybe it should, because it makes you feel good.

Entertain making gratitude a daily ritual. It can take less than a minute and the feel good results are instantly measurable.

Please pretend that I’m making this up and don’t take my word for it. Do this experiment: Quickly assess your current mental state, then bring to mind the things you are grateful for (little things, middle things and Mama & Papa Bear things). Do it for a minute or two. Then when you’re done, assess your mental state again. You will be able to directly measure how much better you feel.

If you need to feel good, interrupt the thing you normally do that has downside effects and practice being grateful. The result is this: You arrive at the same place without falling on your face.

All the best,

John

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“You’re not accountable for your thoughts, only accountable for your actions,” so said The Grasshopper this morning.

It’s amusing to me that we hold ourselves accountable over that which we have no control and avoid accountability over that which we do.

How often do you beat yourself up over thoughts you are having? That is a huge waste of energy and primes the pump of guilt.

I don’t know about you but I have all sorts of thoughts from A to Z run through my head – Appropriate to Zany, and everything in between. If I take time to castigate myself for having a thought, I keep that thought in place. The best remedy I’ve found for letting go of a thought before it attempts to make me accountable is this phrase: “I had that thought, now I’m having this one.”

This little mantra lets me focus on the process of thoughts rather than get bogged down with any undeserved guilt or shame.

There is no shame in having a thought; it can only become shameful if you act on it.

Back to accountability . . . How often do we justify our shameful actions? Just listen to any politician caught with his or her pants down or hand in the cookie jar. The accountability for their actions turns into a dance of denial. We do the same thing. We don’t want to be held accountable for our actions.

This approach goes against nature. Paraphrasing Newton, “For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.” Or as the musical poet Smokey Robinson wrote, “No matter what you do or say, there is gonna’ come a day, ain’t nobody get away – dues got to pay some dues.”

You are paying dues to a union that doesn’t represent you if you’re holding yourself accountable for your thoughts. If you are avoiding accountability for your actions, the universe will collect your dues one way or the other.

Final thought: Before a thought turns into an action, we have the opportunity to choose. That’s accountability in action.

All the best,

John

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I have yet to become an aficionado of numerology but I can’t deny the power of numbers.

We, as a society, seem fixated on them.

12 shopping days ’til Christmas

2 minute warning

7 steps to (fill in the blank)

It seems we play some sort of numbers game until our number is up.

Conversely, I doubt a dog considers that he only has two Milk Bones left; numbers are a human phenomenon.

I will admit that numbers have the ability to get us to focus – “Sale ends in 1 hour.” But what escapes our focus is that we made numbers up. We created them, as we did language, to explain our experience.

There aren’t any words or numbers capable of explaining our experience, yet we make the effort every day. That’s being human.

There is a place where words and numbers don’t exist. It’s a sacred place where they are not allowed. In fact, if you think or utter a word or number there, you are immediately tossed out.

This place cannot be quantified or described. All efforts to do so are cheap gift shop replicas.

I’m going to use a word to describe this place – Quiet.

The land of Quiet has no measurable land mass, so we describe its terrain by another word – Infinity.

This infinitely quiet place is the birthplace of all new ideas that we inadequately use words and numbers to describe.

The moral of the story is we need not describe this place but only experience it. It’s the experience that we truly want, yet we keep it at arm’s length by attempting to describe and quantify.

If you forever stand on the side of a pool wondering what it feels like to be immersed in its thousands of gallons of wetness, you’ll talk about it but you’ll never own the experience.

I wish I could tell you that you’d feel 10 times greater if you jump in, but I can’t quantify an experience. I can only use feeble words to entice you towards your own experience of quiet.

I’d write more but the water slide is calling me.

All the best,

John

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I want to recommend something to you which is absolutely FREE.

The funny thing about this recommendation is: I rarely recommend something someone else has to offer. But this is an exception for an exceptional person and a transformational book that will change your life and it’s FREE.

The book is written by Jerry Stocking who’s been referred to as a modern day Thoreau and one of the few people I would entrust my mind to. He is the teacher’s teacher and his book will teach you how to fall in love with your mind.

The FREE E-book is called The Mind Relief Manuscript and you can find it at this link:

http://www.selfexploratorytools.com/MRM

You can read this book in less than a day and can practice its simple exercises in an eye blink. You will bring relief to your mind and a sense of well being to your body when you read The Mind Relief Manuscript.

I request that you download your FREE copy now at:

http://www.selfexploratorytools.com/MRM

Quoting Jerry, “The Mind Relief Manuscript is a bit like The Secret, except that it actually works.”

There is not a day that passes that I don’t use something I learned from Jerry. You can learn all about you when you read The
Mind Relief Manuscript.

Oh, by the way, did I mention it was FREE?

All the best

John

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The phrase “Know thyself” has been a guiding light since it was first uttered by Socrates. It serves as a reminder to discover more about ourselves, but which self?

Let’s pretend there are two selves – Thimble and Ocean.

Thimble is the one we spend the most time getting to know, and Ocean is the one that knows us.

Thimble has a small capacity; Ocean is unfathomable.

Thimble is the content of our head. We spend most of our time with very limited content expecting to make huge discoveries. The arithmetic doesn’t work. Staying inside our thimble is a time management problem. The more time we spend there, the fewer results we get.

Then when we can’t get results with our head, we may seek help from another and let them poke around our thimble. This, as you may expect, also has limited results.

We spend just about all our time attempting to know our thimble without exploring our depth.

It’s valuable to know our personality, preferences and patterns, but you can only go so deep in the inflatable pool known as our thimble.

Exploring the ocean will let us know more about the unknowable – ourselves.

You are deeper than a thimble, but you have to get out of your head to know this for sure.

One swim in the ocean may bring you back a thimbleful of information, but a daily dip will have you swimming in knowledge about you.

Here’s the rub: You can’t swim in the ocean if your thimble is full.

Here’s the answer to know more about you: Find a way to empty your thimble.

There are as many mind quieting practices as there are different styles of bathing suits; find one that fits you and start swimming in the ocean of self discovery.

All the best,

John

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Here’s one sign a relationship is in trouble – When you start giving or receiving serial apologies.

Serial apologies are the universal “tell” that your relationship is on the skids.

Relationship in this context is any association you have with another human being – business, personal, casual or serious. If you are giving or receiving a regular dose of “I’m sorry,” you have the biggest clue that you or this other person will not come through.

Most serial apologizers are lacking in another “A” word – Action!

There is no action taken on the offense they are apologizing for. For example, if you are getting a steady diet of “I’m sorry for being late,” the apology can only be taken seriously if the person takes action to arrive on time.

If apology and action don’t go hand-in-hand, you’ll be dealing with serial apologies.

An apology with an excuse or a justification attached is a warning sign that you’ll be getting that apology again, because the person isn’t really apologizing; they’re stalling until the next time they have to apologize.

Stalling in this context is lying.

How many of your apologies are not genuine? If it’s more than one, you are a serial apologizer.

If you notice serial apologizing in another, it’s useful; if you notice it in yourself, it’s transformative.

Here’s a tip: Don’t be sorry for that which you are not sorry. By doing so, you will interject more honesty into a relationship and keep secret agendas to a minimum. That sort of transparency will help you make sounder decisions about advancing your relationship or not.

If you find yourself continually apologizing, you are attempting to keep secrets that everyone can sense at some level.

Genuine apologies are the closest thing we have to an “Undo” button in life; serial apologies just ensure we’ll do it again.

All the best,

John

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Do you wake up with the same thoughts each day? You’re not alone.

It’s your own personal “Groundhog Day” – The same thoughts leading to the same actions.

Some motivational gurus got us to buy into the notion that if you change your thoughts, you’ll change your life. That statement is accurate, but the method we use to change our thoughts keeps the same thoughts in place.

The premise of the “Change your thoughts, change your life” approach is that all we have to do is get rid of our current thoughts and replace them with more productive ones. We are to do this with positive thinking and affirmations like, “I will only think positive thoughts.”

Where that strategy falls apart is when we finally notice that we have no control whatsoever as to the thoughts that pop into or out of our head. We have been taught by our positive thinking training to just replace that smelly thought with a flowery one. That never works!

So how do we change our thoughts, change our life?

Noticing our thoughts is a start. Rather than condemning them and looking to perform surgery on them, it would be wise to just put them under observation and watch them heal on their own.

A morning practice might be to just notice that “I’m waking up with the same thoughts I had yesterday.” This is enough of a practice to get some new thoughts moving in.

The next step to change your thoughts is to slightly alter your physical routine. You may notice that your daily rituals are anything but varied. We are boring creatures of habit. My experience is that this sameness of activity has a correlating effect on our thoughts – Same activities, same thoughts.

When you adjust what you do with your body, it has a corresponding effect on your thoughts. It doesn’t have to be a major change, just an adjustment or two on a regular basis. For example, you may have a sequence of doing things upon awakening. Vary the sequence and see what happens. If you pee first, pee second. Vary your physical routine regularly and you’ll start to notice a new variety of thoughts.

One thing I have learned from personal and professional experience is that subtlety is the friend of change. The temptation is to “Go BIG“; that’s usually a big flop.

If you are tired of waking up the same, put a little change into your game. After all, it’s no accident this adage has hung around so long: “Variety is the spice of life.”

All the best,

John

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Imagine wearing the clothes you wore at your 6^th birthday party to work, school or wherever today. Unless you’re still 6, they’re not going to fit; you’ve outgrown them.

That’s pretty obvious. What isn’t so apparent is that we still have patterns of behavior we learned at an early age that look as silly on us as our 6^th birthday party outfit would, yet we wear them every day.

If we become aware of them, these are the patterns we vow to get rid of. Vowing is where the wicket gets sticky.

Think of something that really had meaning for you at one time but doesn’t mean that much to you now. Chances are you didn’t vow your way to your new found attitude; you just outgrew the old one. For example, think back for a minute about some goofy clothes you wore as a teenager. They were meaningful to you then but you wouldn’t be caught dead in them now, even on Halloween. You didn’t vow to stop wearing them; you mentally outgrew them.

Outgrowing is something that just happens over time, but for some that process hardly ever happens. That’s because they are too busy vowing to get rid of the old habit pattern which doesn’t allow enough room for a new pattern to take hold.

Some would call it determination; in most cases it’s lunacy.

Does this mean we shouldn’t make an effort to put this pattern behind us? No, it simply means we have to retool our methodology.

Just look at your track record in attempting to get rid of something. If you’re like me, it’s abysmal. The rub is this: We never really get rid of anything; we just outgrow it.

You still own all the patterns you learned, but the ones you’ve outgrown, you don’t use anymore.

Stop making resolutions and start becoming aware of the patterns you want to outgrow. Giving attention to a pattern, while it’s running, waters it down. Your patterns need your attention, not a solemn vow.

The formula for outgrowing something is to give it as much attention as you can muster. Just notice when you are running or about to run a pattern that’s not working for you. Your attention will begin the process of outgrowing that pattern; vowing just keeps it in place.

Vowing has you fighting with your patterns; attention just has you notice. All victories I’ve had by fighting my patterns have been temporary. Any pattern that I’ve outgrown happened on its own.

There is a way to accelerate that natural process of outgrowing something. It’s called attention.

If you must have a vow, make it this: “I vow to have this pattern until I don’t.” At least this way you are giving attention to the pattern, rather than fighting with it again.

Giving them your attention will have you outgrow patterns more quickly, instead of making vows about things that will never change.

All the best,

John

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