Dear Santa,

My list is posted early this year in case you need extra delivery time because of the elves having to social distance.

As always, I’ll keep my list short and realize you may not be able to fulfill all my requests.

I don’t think my perennial request will ever come true: to have all broadcasters pronounce the word “forward” correctly. I’ve tried to alert some of them by text, and illustrated my request in a story. I suggested that if they were going to vote for Beaver Cleaver’s father in an election, they would be “FOR WARD.” If they were against him, he would be known as “FOE WARD.” I would consider this a Christmas Miracle if it ever happens, but quoting my sainted mother, “Don’t hold your hand on your ass waiting.”

Here’s something I really don’t want: to ever meet anyone who describes themselves on their dating profile as “Angel Eyes.”

Now for my requests:

* Less political posts on Facebook.

* More dog videos on YouTube.

* Less plastic gloves thrown on the ground in supermarket parking lots.

* Gift certificates for Sweetwater or Amazon

And finally, another broadcast request: Can you have TV interviewers stop saying “we’ll have to leave it there” when wrapping up an interview? They could just as easily say, “I want to thank our guest(s) for coming on today, and coming up next, a gerbil salesman tells us why he wants them stopped being called ‘desert rats’.”

I hope you and Mrs. Claus have a healthy and stress-free holiday and that Rudolph’s nose doesn’t turn blue.

Love,

LJ (Little Johnnie)