What level of relationship do you have with another? There are many levels to pick from, ranging from casual to canoodle and everything in between.

What differentiates the levels of relationship? I submit it’s a comfort level.

We aren’t as comfortable with the person labeled as casual as we are with the person we’re “serious” with.

There is no absence of the following happening when relationships are coming apart: Many people seek counseling.

Have you ever noticed that people will tell a counselor what they weren’t comfortable telling the person they’re in counseling with?

“He’s a selfish, cotton headed ninny muggin.” “She’s an anal descendant of Whigs.”

Many counselors provide a very valuable service but their services would be less necessary if you were comfortable enough to tell your partner the same exact thing directly.

The erosion of comfort comes in large part from withholding. When you hold back, you dam up the flow of the relationship until the dam bursts, often in the counselor’s office.

Are you comfortable enough to tell a total stranger what you’re withholding from your partner? Your relationship is in trouble.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard complaining, water cooler chatter that people would have with casual friends about the person they lived with. My sense was that the relationship was running out of comfort.

Ask yourself this: If you aren’t comfortable enough to tell the person closest to you what’s on your mind, how soon will it be that you’ll be estranged?

It seems counter-intuitive but the less withholding you do, the more comfortable the relationship becomes. It doesn’t mean that you won’t encounter impasses or problems, it just means that you’ll have a better chance of getting past them by not withholding.

Please don’t confuse not withholding with throwing up on the person you’re in a relationship with. That’s just leads to a stinky mess. Throwing up is coming out with a list of pent up complaints. It’s better to address what’s bothering you the first time it bothers you to the point of discomfort. This prevents a molehill from growing into Mt. McKinley.

Your level of comfort determines your level of relationship. How comfortable do you want to be? One answer is: “Don’t tell them, tell me.”

All the best,

John