Is it better to be tough or resilient? Like with any of these types of either/or questions, it depends.

My sense is that tough works best as a temporary solution and resilient is the better long-term option.

Our troubles multiply when we misapply our response.

Being tough all the time takes its toll. To cite the old axiom, “When you only use a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” That would sum up the tough approach. Imagine hammering your flower garden into shape.

Being resilient all the time, can get you walked on to the point that you’re perceived as a door mat. “Go along to get along” is often the mantra of the rotely resilient person.

Tough’s toll is a two-way street. It has an effect on both you and others. Tough hardens you and makes you hard to be around. It also doesn’t let you experience the softer side of life. If you’ve gone through basic training in the military, you are familiar with the following scenario: The tough drill sergeant who becomes your friend after your training is complete. His job as an instructor was to be tough. When he changes out of that role when he’s off the clock, he’s pleasant to spend time with.

Resiliency will serve you better over the long haul but if it’s not punctuated with toughness from time to time, you’ll always be bending where the wind blows. Sometimes you have to steel your spine.

To my eyes, the best parents are the ones who are both tough and resilient. The same goes for bosses, judges and indian chiefs.

It’s not a science; it’s an art to find the proper mix of tough and resilient for you. But it has to be a mix or you’ll find yourself constantly in a fix.

Here’s a rule of thumb: Sometimes when your instant reaction is to pick one, pick the other. This will have you practice resiliency in tough situations.

All the best,

John