Heartily Sorry
Last week The Grasshopper offered this: “Apologize for what you’re sorry for.”
That statement may not seem terribly profound until we notice how often we apologize for what we’re not sorry for.
I think apologies are one of the most poorly executed pieces of human communication. We often claim we are sorry for something when we aren’t and our apology doesn’t connect.
How many apologies have you received that you didn’t believe? That’s because the person delivering it didn’t believe it either. How did you know it wasn’t sincere? Just count the justifications their apology contained for their offending behavior and you have your barometer.
A partial, sincere apology is much better than a full-blown one filled with faux regret. Let’s say you have a dust up with someone and you want to ease the tension. Let’s also suppose that you are not sorry for what you said. You can generically apologize without being specific and not justify your behavior. “I’m sorry things got so tense last night. I don’t like it when there’s that barrier between us.”
You were sincerely sorry that it got tense. That’s an apology for what you are sorry for and it may be enough to open the door to a much calmer discussion about the situation.
We all know that “I’m sorry but” apologies don’t work, but, sadly, we continue to use them. I believe the purpose of an apology is to express sorrow for your behavior. If you add anything past that, it’s not an apology; it’s a tactic whose rhetoric will fall on clogged ears.
I saw a video apology online that I believe is the textbook example of how to apologize. It comes from cable TV host, Chris Matthews who’s apologizing for something he said on a previous broadcast. If your apology isn’t structured like this, your shot at the target will badly miss.
All the best,
John
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