What if your assessment is dead on, yet uninvited? What to do?

Mind your own business comes to mind. Too bad that doesn’t come to mind quickly enough.

I can speak with authority about this topic because, in the past, I’ve been a major offender. I’m not in a 12 step program but I have seen the error of my ways.

I have been blessed and cursed with people insight. My best and worst quality is the same – I spot character flaws in others.

The sticky wicket is that I, quite often, fail to see them in myself.

Sometimes, I feel like Temperance Brennan, the lead character in the TV show “Bones.” She offers fact based assessments without any regard to how they will play emotionally to those listening. The thinking seems to be, “It’s a fact and it needs to be out there.”

No it doesn’t, especially when it’s uninvited. Reminds me of a story . . .

My mentor, Dr. Dave Dobson taught something called “Other Than Conscious Communication.” For lack of a better description, it was sophisticated, two-way body language where you could communicate with another outside of their awareness and get useful feedback.

When Dave was working with someone he would ask, “Would it be OK if I pointed something out to you?” 9 times out of 10 the person would say “Yes,” consciously. Yet if you paid careful attention you would often notice that they were saying “No,” other than consciously. Dave would always give deference to the “other than conscious” response because it was unfiltered and unedited and genuinely more reliable. He would then say something like, “Well maybe another time.”

He knew his observation was uninvited and would meet with a boatload of resistance.

We don’t need Dave’s high level of sensory acuity to benefit by his practice. We can just adopt this mindset: Keep our observations to ourselves, unless asked.

This doesn’t apply to an opinion exchange that greases the conversation wheel everywhere. This is more about personal observations. If it is uninvited, keep a lid on it.

The only purpose you serve at that point is being right, again. You’ve done no service to the person you’ve observed and “outed,” other than to have them be pissed at you and resist the benefit of your “sage” wisdom.

Here’s one way it comes across: “I know something that you don’t know and aren’t I special?” Another interpretation is: “I’m better than you and you should take care of this flaw to have any chance of measuring up.”

You may mean well but that’s not how it’s received. The person oftentimes does have the flaw you observe, but it will hang around much longer if you can’t help yourself and point it out, uninvited.

Parents when they are bringing up their children do this all the time. Uninvited opinion may be a necessary intervention while your child is still growing into an adult; after that, it’s counterproductive. If they didn’t get it while under your roof, they’re probably not going to get it in this lifetime, especially when it’s uninvited.

Bottom line: You’ll be welcome more often when you recognize the rationale that keeps you uninvited.

All the best,

John

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