Who can’t remember this schoolyard ditty: “Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me”?

You can find factual data in just about any saying that’s stood the test of time. Let’s look at this one.

The assertion that sticks and stones can break bones is accurate. “Names can never hurt me” is more of a personal declaration and is short on facts that everyone can agree on.

How can names hurt? Two ways come to mind – conditioning and believing.

If we are told often enough (conditioned) that a word is offensive, there’s a high probability we will be offended when we hear that word. Notice that we’re not offended if someone says that word to us in a foreign language that we don’t understand.

What words are offensive to you? We all seem to have a list.

Believing you are the word is the most hurtful of all.

If you haven’t been in a name calling match, you aren’t human. It’s one way we choose to inflict pain on someone who has caused us pain.

If you believe you are what the name implies, you will have an escalated emotional reaction.

We already know the person who is calling us a name is attempting to hurt us, so let’s set that aside for a moment.

Explore for a moment the aspect that you believe it’s accurate.

This is a choice point. You can go into argument and denial mode and claim that it’s not true. This is the route chosen most often. Or, you can entertain the facts behind their assertion and choose to address them.

If someone calls you a name that you know is not accurate, you may be offended and defend yourself with the facts. But if someone “lays you out in lavender” with a name you believe, chances are you are going to give them some high decibel, vitriolic vomit in return. Most often, your response is a frontal assault on them, never addressing what has been claimed about you.

Labels can lock us in or become the key to let us out.

If someone is calling you a name you’ve been calling yourself, it may be time to excuse their bad manners for a moment and address the behavior that makes you believe the label. The temptation is to circle the wagons again and deny it’s there. That’s a sure bet that you will have this battle again and again.

Addressing what’s been repeatedly said about you from all corners is the mark of growing up.

Yes, name calling is boorish behavior, but name recognition can be the catalyst for transformation.

It may be time to leave the battlefield of the schoolyard, and enter adulthood by extracting some learning from the school of hard knocks.

All the best,

John

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