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April 11, 2013

Alcohol: Does it Add or Subtract?

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 7:02 am

C331586 m You have a friend, family member or co-worker whose alcohol use is interfering with the quality of their life. Sadly, we all do.

The problem is pervasive and, from my experience, it’s nothing we can solve for them. The solution has to come from them.

The biggest problem we run into when attempting to assist is their denial. Denial takes on many disguises but it’s the same wolf behind the sheep’s mask in every case.

I get asked quite often if hypnosis can help people with alcohol “issues.” (“Issues” is the euphemism they use when inquiring). The answer I give is the same one I learned from my late mentor Dr. Dave Dobson. He said that denial had to be dealt with before he would even attempt to help.

There are organizations that specialize in getting people past denial but most people affected by alcohol won’t seek out their help. Their denial keeps them from admitting they are abusing alcohol, but there is no denying that alcohol is abusing them. Ask anyone around them, but them.

Here’s something you can take to the bank. If you’ve been told by multiple people that you have a problem with alcohol, you have a problem. These multiple sources usually consist of family members, friends or physicians. Too often their warnings are rationalized and dismissed and denial wins again, and you continue to lose.

So, how can you help someone take a look at their denial from another angle? Ask them to ponder this question in their quiet time: In your life, does alcohol add or subtract?

This is not an “in your face” question that you are demanding an answer to. In fact, you don’t want them to give you an answer; you only want them to reflect on the question.

The question has them focus on arithmetic instead of “issues.”

I don’t present this as a cure, only as a vehicle to get someone more curious.

When they do the arithmetic, there is a better chance for their denial to erode and make it easier for them to move towards a solution. No matter whose math they use, the numbers will add up to subtraction. There’s no denying that.

You can tell someone alcohol is subtracting from their life but they won’t hear you if you’re doing the math. It’s an equation they have to solve on their own.

You don’t have to be a numbers whiz to come up with an answer. You only need the willingness to ask yourself the question.

Bottoms up: Is it your lifestyle, a new yoga move, or something you’ve outgrown? Do the math and find out for yourself.

All the best,

John

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April 10, 2013

Aliveness

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 5:40 am

C539167 m How do you know you are alive? Seems like a pretty easy question to answer. “I’m breathing; therefore I’m alive” seems to answer it nicely. Or does it?

There is a difference between existing and aliveness and when I feel the distinction, I know I’m alive.

When are you alive the most? I just had an experience yesterday that speaks to this. I was meeting with a vendor who was helping me with some items for a home improvement project. I was really getting juiced as I began to see the project coming together. I could actually feel the aliveness in me. It was more than excitement or anticipation; I could actually feel it as though it was happening in that moment. It wasn’t potential any more; it was alive now.

The telltale after sign of aliveness came on my ride home. I hadn’t eaten anything so far this day and had spent hours with the vendor. I came to realize that I was genuinely hungry. Not the “it’s lunchtime, so I should eat” hunger, but a genuine signal from my body that I hadn’t eaten. Aliveness will dispel conditioning that usually keeps it from happening.

When you are going through your conditioned routines, you probably aren’t feeling alive. The good news is you don’t have to have an event to trigger your aliveness like I had yesterday. Aliveness is always present. All we have to do is take the time to acknowledge its existence by taking time to feel it.

How do you feel your aliveness? Here’s a simple exercise: Just notice what sort of sensations are going on in your hands right now. Just put your attention on your hands and feel what you feel. There is an aliveness in your hands that you’ve been ignoring while you go about your routines. It was there the whole time, but you had to make time to feel it. That’s the the key to feeling alive more often; make time to feel your aliveness. It’s in every part of your body at all times.

To paraphrase from my favorite poem*, The Children’s Hour by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow – “take a pause in the day’s occupations” and feel your aliveness. It’s there whenever you want it and it’s always ready to come out and play.

* It’s my favorite poem for two reasons:

1. It depicts the specialness of little children.

2. It’s the only poem I ever memorized.

All the best,

John

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April 8, 2013

The Pain of Personalization

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 6:40 am

C454849 m There is a distinct difference between “it happened” and “it happened to me.” The latter contains personalization and that, alone, has the ability to cause more pain than what happened.

We personalize so many things that cause us harm. I can think of no better example than personalizing a disease or malady. “My arthritis,” “my migraines,” “my cancer” are just a few examples of how we bring on the pain of personalization.

Think about it, who wants to own a disease? The minute you label it as belonging to you, it’s as though you have taken in a stray cat – it’ll be there for all nine lives.

I’m not suggesting denial, just depersonalization. It won’t take away your disease but it will spare you the additional suffering that personalization brings.

In my free e-book – The Success Triangle – I write about a phrase I learned that lets us approach the concept of “My” from a different angle with a greater chance for our condition to abate. That phrase is “In the past.” Here is an excerpt:

Many people hold their state of health in place with words. The most destructive label is the word “My.” “My arthritis” won’t allow me to play tennis anymore. “My diabetes” leaves me with little energy. Two things that will give you more power immediately are:

1. Drop the word “My” from any disease process.

2. Apply “In the past” to any limitation you ascribe to the disease.

For example: “In the past, arthritis has kept me from playing tennis.” “In the past, diabetes has caused me to feel less energetic.”
“My” is a word, to which we’ve been conditioned, that means ownership. Who wants to own arthritis? I’m not suggesting this shift in language will make arthritis or diabetes disappear. What I’m suggesting is, if you refer to it “In the past” and remove the ownership, you may find your situation more palatable. Better yet, if there is a way your mind can help you ease or put this disease behind you, this new language will facilitate the process.

Back to “It happened to me.” The bumper sticker “Shit Happens” was not one of my favorites but it gave us a potent snapshot of reality. The car crash didn’t happen to you, it just happened. You just happened to be involved in the happening. The wind and rain on your wedding day didn’t happen to you, it just happened.

This phrasing “It happened” will not make the event go away or change it in any way. What it will do is keep its residual anguish from hanging around for an eternal stay.

We add to our pain when we continue to add “To me” to an event or situation. “To me” dramatizes and elongates our situation and the pain lingers on. It will be there long enough without us adding to its residency by adding “To me.”

I am not trivializing the severity of a happening, just pointing out a way forward when we get locked into the past.

It takes practice and courage to drop “My” or “To me” from our conditioned phrase library, and the effort will bring you more personal comfort.

All the best,

John

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April 5, 2013

No Room

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 6:32 am

Make Room I watched a video earlier this week of a person asking for help with their problem. They didn’t know what their problem was but presented all sorts of symptoms in hopes of getting an answer.

Here’s my experience in giving “answers”: They usually are not accepted when there is no room for them. The person may give lip service to what a spot-on remedy you’ve provided, but they will not, for any length of time, take the prescription.

The barring of the solution door is caused by self-absorption.

In my experience, the hardest people to help are those who are self-absorbed. That means that there is no room in them for anything or anyone else.

They’re not “bad” people – just singularly focused on keeping their attention on themselves. It’s as though no one else exists except as an obstacle or an inconvenience to their stated desires.

They are horrible in relationships because they have no room for anyone but them.

They don’t relate well because their attention only comes out as a convenience or a prop to get what they want. They just don’t freely give their attention away.

Attention is a human elixir and we all are seeking it. When your attention consistently stays in, you rob yourself of the exchange that is necessary for a bond to form. You can’t live on your own attention. The practice is limiting and it’s the cause of your often cited problems.

Don’t confuse lack of attention with selfishness. Many self-absorbed people will give out their services and skills freely but their attention stays locked in a vault.

Having relationship problems? Assess your attention. If you do an unbiased inspection, you will find that your attention stays home and only comes out as a quid pro quo.

It’s like the person who gives money to charity for a tax advantage rather than from the milk of human kindness.

Make a practice of giving your attention away to another for no good reason. Make room for them by giving them your attention with no strings attached and watch the bond strengthen.

When you make room for other ideas and other people, you become roomier and discover the ultimate secret of attention: When you send it out, it comes back.

All the best,

John

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April 3, 2013

Head Banging

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 6:55 am

IStock 000005373858XSmall I have never met anyone who hasn’t banged their head against the wall. It’s a universal occurrence and, for some, it’s an everyday event.

The old joke comes to mind.

Psychiatrist: “Why do you bang your head against the wall?

Patient: “Because it feels so good when I stop.”

Our mission is to stop because when we do, we feel better.

Some are really dyed-in-the-wool head bangers. Their skulls have gotten so thick with calluses that the message to stop has a hard time getting through. Reminds me of a story . . .

This past weekend I was online and searching for information on a boyhood friend. He drank more alcohol than any person I ever met. This habit caused him untold personal misery, not to mention to those around him. There was never a time, as an adult, that I didn’t see him on his way to being drunk, drunk or hung over. I haven’t seen him in 25 years and wondered if he even was still alive. To my surprise, there he was online in an orange jumpsuit serving a sentence for bail violation and DUI. Apparently, he’s been in and out of local jails numerous times just over the past few years all due to his brand of head banging – drinking.

This isn’t an essay on tea totaling; it’s more of an attempt to get us to notice our own habit of head banging and pursue the relief that stopping brings.

All head banging is purposeful. That means, at one time, it served a purpose. It solved a problem. Many young people start to smoke to be accepted by their peer group. Smoking does that for them. It also becomes an addictive habit. The purpose for smoking no longer consciously exists, but the purposeful pattern lingers on. Walls are broken and skulls are damaged.

It’s time to recognize our version of head banging and pursue the feeling that stopping brings. Many years ago best selling author, Harvey Diamond told me, “To get healthy, you have to return yourself to the conditions of health.”

The feeling is there just waiting for you. You just have to return yourself to the conditions that will allow it to come forth. In the case of head banging, the remedy is stopping.

Perhaps you need help. Seek it.

This posting is an attempt to get you to notice that you are banging your head against the wall, and to remind you that the universal remedy is stopping.

Return yourself to the conditions that existed before you began head banging, and it won’t be too long before you’re properly using your head.

All the best,

John

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April 2, 2013

I Am Not Me

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 5:22 am

C395251 m I’ve had a recurring phrase visit me in the last couple of days – “I’m not me.” Of course I was curious because this thought was begging for attention.

It occurred to me that “me” is the part of me that gets flummoxed. Isn’t that a great word?

It’s not a great feeling though.

“Me’ is a victim. It’s as though the whole world has chosen me to dump on. Have you ever felt like that, Bunky? I’m certain you have, and when that happens, you are caught up in the part of you that isn’t you – Me!

Me has the ability to piss and moan with the best of them and can make you believe that it’s you. It’s never you – never was and never will be.

An autopsy of you will never find me. Me is the fictitious you that you made up and got comfortable with.

Me is an entity that things happen to. It’s always at the butt end of circumstance and has tons of enemies and people plotting cabals against it. Truth be told, we’re just not that important, but don’t tell “me” that.

Me believes the whole world is centered around me. You, on the other hand, knows it’s centered. That means that when you get caught up in me, you would be wise to catch your breath and get centered on you – the part of you that dwarfs the trials and tribulations of me.

Me is a reflection of your accumulated reactive thoughts. You is a chosen response to any given stimulus. You can choose to believe you are your thoughts but that will only get you more of “Poor me.” You can also choose to change your focus from me to you.

When you focus on the whole (You), the part (Me) becomes less significant.

We have mistaken ourselves for our thoughts and when we believe them, we become me.

You are not your thoughts or your circumstance; you are much deeper. And at these depths, me can no longer function.

I invite you to get curious about you. And when you do, you’ll discover for yourself that “I’m not me.”

All the best,

John

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March 28, 2013

Training

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 7:57 am

C486052 m Do you have the discipline to train? That’s a question I’ve asked and answered for myself over the last few days.

I watched a TED video featuring writer, Josh Foer who gave a talk about training your memory. He got me curious enough to attempt to train my memory to remember some fun things – The names of the plays of Shakespeare (whom I’ve never read), the chronology of the written works of Charles Dickens and the sequential list of all the Presidents of the United States.

I was able to do those three things in less than a day. Doing so got me thinking more broadly about training.

There is so much lying dormant in each of us that is begging for training. For example, there’s a healthier body in there, a sharper mind, a better (pick your hobby). You can train on new software or hardware or anything under the sun for that matter.

Back to memory for a moment. Over the years, some people have told me I have a good memory and it’s usually followed up by them saying, “I have such a bad memory.” What I’ve come to find out in the last couple of days is that there aren’t good or bad memories, just untrained ones.

The same goes for your golf game or your quilting expertise.

My brother-in-law had a great illustration of those who take to training and those who don’t. He said, “There are people who spend 25 years in the insurance industry and repeat their first year over and over again.” I’m sure that applies to all occupations.

I’m not revealing any new secret here that training makes you better at something, even using your own brain. What I ask you to get curious about is to notice that you are not locked in to your current lack of expertise in anything. You are trainable. You just have to be willing to train.

“Oh, I’m all thumbs” becomes thumbing your nose at your self imposed limitations when you decide to train.

I’m not sure that knowing Millard Fillmore was the 13th President of the United States is going to win me any rewards, but it’s rewarding to know the learning train has not yet left the station.

All the best,

John

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March 26, 2013

The Acceptance Myth

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 7:08 am

Might copy The prevailing myth surrounding acceptance is that you can will it to happen. You can’t.

Acceptance has nothing to do with setting your mind and all to do with opening your heart.

I’ve likened acceptance to the Christian concept of Grace in the past. You can’t will Grace to come to you, only open yourself up to it being possible. The same is true for acceptance.

You can certainly give lip service and say you accept something, but that act of will doesn’t deliver the feeling of acceptance.

What does acceptance feel like? The same question has been asked about love over the centuries. It’s different for everyone, but everyone who experiences it knows it instantly.

If you are wrestling with the concept of acceptance in your mind, you are not experiencing acceptance. “I know I should accept this but I just can’t.” As The Grasshopper reminded us just a while ago, “Should is evidence that there is an argument going on in your mind.” Arguing and acceptance both begin with the letter “A” but that’s their only similarity.

If you are arguing for acceptance, you are arguing for your limitations. Truth be told, you don’t have the conscious ability to accept. Your consciousness can set the process in motion by being willing to experience acceptance should you encounter it, but that’s all you can do with your will.

Acceptance will come when it comes and not a moment sooner, no matter how much you attempt to will it to happen. Willingness is the softer side of will and when you employ it, you have a much better chance of acceptance responding to your invitation.

“I am willing to accept” is a more useful mantra than a declaration of will that states, “I will accept things as they come.” No you won’t; you’ll resist them, and anything you resist always takes longer to happen.

If you are struggling with acceptance, end the argument now. Just be willing to accept acceptance. Willingness is a lure; will is a cement wall.

Are you willing to give up arguing for something that can’t be argued for? When you are, you free yourself from The Acceptance Myth.

All the best,
John

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March 20, 2013

Passion

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 7:21 am

C574813 m I was having a discussion with a friend yesterday about passion. I remarked that I hadn’t met anyone who had a passion for something who didn’t wind up pursuing and getting what they were truly passionate about.

Passion isn’t an idle wish. It’s more on the order of “if I can’t have this, I won’t be able to breathe.”

Then it occurred to me that passion isn’t a choice. It’s something that chooses you.

You can certainly choose to explore new areas and open yourself up to being accosted by passion, but you won’t find it by choosing from a list of things to be potentially passionate about.

Have you ever had the experience of being out and about and something just caught your eye and engaged your curiosity? That could be the beginning stage of passion choosing you. You weren’t looking for this, but it was looking for you. That’s a clue that this is something you may want to pursue.

If you lack passion, pay attention to what grabs your attention. We often let it pass by without further exploration. It may be passion calling out to you. To find out for sure, you can schedule a few dates to see if it’s something you want to get more serious about or if it’s just a passing fancy.

Lacking passion is akin to being the walking dead. Pay attention to what’s paying attention to you. It just may be something to get passionate about.

All the best,

John