The Grasshopper offered up a tidbit in the wee hours this morning: “You’re all alone in your comfort zone.”

It was immediately apparent that this message had nothing to do with comfort and all to do with being stuck.

If you’re stuck in your comfort zone, you’re truly in a rut.

Our comfort zones are patterns of behavior that contain a lot of inertia that cause us lots of discomfort.

The being all alone part became clear as well. These are our patterns. They belong to no one else but us. We can certainly assign blame to others for our patterns, but at the end of the day we’re the ones going home with them.

So to recap, we have an assortment of patterns that are causing us pain, are unique to us, that we blame others for, and we relabel these ruts as our comfort zone.

Pure and simple, patterns are ruts. The discussion then becomes: “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?” It seems that the ruts that keep us from recognizing we’re in one are the bad ones.

There are telltale signs of being in a “bad” rut. These are the ones we defend to the high heavens or deflect conversation about. We all have our own version of “That’s just the way I am.”

That’s just the way we’re patterned is much closer to the truth. And our strategy for blaming others or citing circumstances doesn’t seem to be working to extricate us from this pit.

If you are looking for comfort in the fact that other people are stuck too, you’ve missed The Grasshopper’s wisdom of being all alone. These are your patterns and no one else’s. They are unique to you and require your attention to free yourself from their gravitational pull.

Noticing that you’re stuck is a beginning. It’s amazing how we put blinders on to our level of stuck-ness. Once you notice, it’s time to notice again and again. Noticing a pattern and repeatedly giving it our full attention, if only for a moment or two, is enough of a catalyst to break through.

One problem I have with traditional counseling is that the obvious is rarely stated – It’s your problem to solve. Others may have the same problem, but you’re alone with yours and no one is going to solve it but you.

Solving begins by noticing and then giving your unique situation repeated attention. Attention doesn’t mean commentary. No “alas” or “woe is me” allowed. Attention means noticing exactly what’s going on without judgement. There is silence in this cone of attention – just pure observation without recrimination.

It’s in this space that you discover you’re really not alone, and it’s here that you’ll escape your comfort zone.

All the best,

John

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I have a new criterion for voting – Sanctimony. The dictionary tells me that means morally superior.

A little back story . . . I left the voting process a number of years ago with no interest in elections. Prior to that, I mostly voted out of duty, not interest.

I became reinterested in politics about 6 years ago and this time I made it more of a study than I had in the past.

I had let my experience with politicians get in the way of me making my way to the polls. When I was in broadcastng, I got to meet and interview political candidates of all stripes. Whether it was someone running for the town council or Governor or President, I usually wanted to wash after the interaction.

The answers I received were well rehearsed and rarely did they ever answer the question asked. But just about all of them answered that way, so it was hard to make a choice based on that criterion. That lead me to a period where I made no choice at all.

Fast forward to now. I have adopted a new voting rule. It’s independent of political party or ideology. Here it is: If you appear morally superior to me, I will vote for your opponent.

In a nutshell: If you are a sack of sanctimony, you’re full of baloney.

The sad news is that I expect the candidates to lie because shading the truth seems to me what campaigns consist of. So I used to vote for the one who lied less; now I have a different rule.

The studies on voting all come to the same conclusion – most people vote their emotions, not issues. Quoting Winston Churchill: “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

I’m now more than the average voter and I still vote with my emotions. The difference is I now have a new filter to put my emotions through that won’t let me vote for you – Sanctimony.

If I were in 6th grade, I would probably say, “If you are morally superior, go jump in Lake Superior.” But I’m more adult than that now. Here’s what I would say today:

Your sanctimony causes me acrimony, so shove it up your ass.

All the best,

John

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Everyone struggles with something. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your station is in life. If you’re human, you struggle.

The question is: What are most of us struggling with? It seems we have one struggle that we all have in common – The struggle with our self worth.

We question our worth. We then measure it up against others’ perceived self worth in an attempt to get a handle on our own. What we rarely discover is that our self worth is independent of anyone else’s and independent of any thought we may have about it.

How often have you had the “I don’t measure up” conversation in your head? Notice you are measuring your worth against another’s. What is sibling rivalry other than a comparison of your self worth with another’s competing for a parent’s attention?

When we attempt to measure up to someone else’s standards, we will have struggles with self worth.

There are no standards. That’s a head trip. Attempting to apply those standards will keep you unworthy for a lifetime.

When we attempt to measure our self worth, we are using a standard that can never be reached, so the struggle is ongoing. The standard seems to be perfection.

Perfection is consciously unattainable. There will always be someone more perfect than us and they are struggling as well.

So the struggle stays in place for everyone because the goal is unattainable for all. Sounds like the house odds in Vegas.

How do we end the struggle with self worth? Begin by noticing that perfection is an illusion – a mind made concept that’s more addictive than heroin. Once you notice that perfection is a false god, you begin to get in touch with your worth.

Everyone has it in equal measure; it’s just a matter of finding it. Here’s a hint: it’s not between your ears. Anytime you are having a conversation with yourself about worthiness, you distance yourself from your worth.

True perfection is finding the place in you that negates the conversation in your head about who you are or aren’t.

Each time you visit this quiet place of perfection, you bring back more of your worth and you find your struggles to be fewer.

You can spend the rest of your life struggling with how worthy you are by keeping someone else’s idea of perfect as your standard. Or you can find out that you’re already perfect when you get outside of your head.

All the best,

John

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Aside from being an improper use of the English language, “Who is I?” is a question we rarely ask. We often have that existential moment when we ask, “Who am I?” but that question doesn’t provide a satisfying answer from our conscious mind.

“Who is I?” is consciously quantifiable. In the simplest terms, this “I,” about whom you are asking, is the conditioned you – your self image of yourself based on your upbringing and conditioning. It’s a relative sense of self – relative to the type of programming you received. It’s different from all other “I’s” you encounter because we all got different programming, even identical twins.

The “I” most people identify with is a false I-dentity. The formula for this sense of self is simple: I = Conditioned You.

We come to believe that is who we are because of the evidence trail it leaves.

It’s hard for us to comprehend that we are more than the “I” can see.

It’s the same problem we have when we attempt to contemplate infinity; we never get a conscious answer.

So it’s time to stop asking the question, “Who am I?” and time to experience that I. Notice that once you have an experience with something, less explanation is needed.

“How will I know I’m in love?” is a question that won’t produce a satisfying answer until you experience being in love. Once you experience the deeper than the surface “I,” you’ll stop asking the question, “Who am I?” and just go directly for the experience.

There is a difference between “Who is I?” and “Who am I?” Once you experience the difference, you’ll know you are more than your conditioning.

All the best,

John

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Thoughts that make you stand up and take notice come at the oddest times. Who carries a pen or pencil into the bathroom? “Have you no respect, Grasshopper?”

Here’s an outhouse offering from the cute little katydid: “You may not have had a choice in how a pattern came to you, but choice is the best choice for having it go away.”

Most of our patterns came to us accidentally. Think no further than your pattern of speech. You weren’t born with it; you acquired it, and that acquiring came without your knowledge or permission. Most people will have their pattern of speech, as broadcaster, Paul Harvey used to say, “From here to the hereafter.”

Some will want to change a lifelong pattern. They want it to go away in the worst way. As many have written, noticing is the first step in outgrowing a pattern. Here’s a secret most people don’t know: Patterns really don’t go away, they just get out of the way, so you can have the opportunity to make another choice. Perhaps an example would be helpful.

I don’t like rude people and I don’t like it when I act rudely. When I notice my rude behavior, I choose to set it aside so I can interact more effectively with others. But there are some rare times when being rude is the best choice. If you no longer owned the pattern, you wouldn’t be able to use it. Please trust me on this: Once acquired, we always own a pattern.

So after noticing our pattern in action, what do we do? We make another choice. It’s a simple concept but not easy to execute. That’s because patterns have a powerful lobbying group with the ability to rationalize anything.

Once you notice a pattern in action and wish to make another choice, you will get arguments to the contrary from this lobby group that would make famed attorney, Clarence Darrow cower.

What to do? Here’s what not to do: Don’t engage in a debate. You will lose and lose badly. You are outmanned and out gunned. What you can do is begin to notice the pattern of argument. Once you decide to make another choice, just watch and listen to the arguments to the contrary form. They will be eloquent and they will all be for keeping your pattern in place.

So not only do you have to notice the pattern of behavior you want to set aside, you also have to notice the arguments for keeping it in place. Once you get a bit of practice with your observations, you begin to get entertained rather than entrained by the arguments.

Few people like practicing; but when you make the choice to do so again and again, your patterns step aside giving you the ability to decide.

There’s an old Motown song called, “This Old Heart of Mine” which contains the lyrics, “You’ve got me never knowing if I’m coming or I’m going.” That’s the way you’ll feel when you don’t perceive you have a choice.

Final thought: Practice noticing and choosing and you’ll do a lot less losing.

All the best,

John

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I woke up with the word, “Succinct” on my mind.

I checked a few dictionaries and here is a brief explanation. Succinct: Briefly and clearly expressed.

This isn’t about writing or speaking more clearly because sometimes I’m even confused about what I write or say. It’s more about getting to the essence of something – a cutting through process.

When I pay attention, I have the ability to see through the window dressing and clearly observe the succinct essence of what’s being offered. In the past, I’ve always patted myself on the back for having some kind of special talent, until I discovered that we all have it.

Famed trial lawyer, Gerry Spence calls this ability a BS detector; I believe it’s deeper than that.

I believe we all have the ability to see another’s essence clearly and succinctly by doing two things.

1. Know it is there before looking.

2. Pay attention when we look.

If you know “Gold is in them thar hills,” you’re more likely to find it. And secondly, if you pay attention, you’ll not be fooled by “Fool’s Gold.”

Fool’s Gold, in this context, is the surface structure we all present. If you get caught up in going tit-for-tat in that arena, it’ll take a long time to find the succinct core.

Paying attention goes past noticing; it has deeper roots. Paying attention is mainly feeling.

Please don’t confuse feeling with how you feel about another. That’s just surface emotion. Feeling is extracting yourself from your head and all it’s prejudices, and getting in touch with your body and what it’s communicating.

The body is quick and dependable when it comes to getting to the core. You just have to pay attention to the signals it’s sending you, rather than give that attention to the conditioned argument your mind is presenting.

I’ve worked with thousands and thousands of clients over the years and I don’t like everyone I work with. If I let that prejudice get in the way, I’m more likely to be of less assistance.

My judgement of them is not important and it gets in the way of seeing through, especially if I label that judgment as “True.” When a judgement goes on too long (meaning past a few seconds), it prevents me from getting out of my head and into my body.

If you haven’t already begun, start paying attention to your body. It’s the quickest way through to a connection between me and you.

A succinct way to hook up with another is to go past what they say by paying attention to your body. It clears all the surface distractions out of the way, so you can quickly find their core essence on display.

All the best,

John

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“When you defend yourself too often, it’s offensive,” so said The Grasshopper yesterday.

It took a day to process the message and here’s one interpretation.

When we play defense all the time, we’re on edge because we believe we are under attack and all our effort goes into defending ourselves. But the question we rarely ask is: “What are we defending?”

We defend the image of ourselves that we’ve become comfortable with, whether it brings us comfort or not. How much time do you spend making a case for yourself?

The more often you’re in defensive mode, the more offensive you become. Think of the overbearing salesman who’s making the same point over and over again in an attempt to get you to buy. That’s how offensive we become when we defend who we think we are.

The authentic you needs no defense. It can stand on it’s own no matter how offensive someone else is being.

Note: There is a difference between physically and mentally defending yourself. Defending a physical attack is prudent; mentally defending yourself is madness.

Who you think you are is a collection of past pictures you have collaged together in your mind. Who you really are is all of the pictures, not just the ones that made it to your mental cork board.

You are the whole panorama, not just the snapshot you pretend is you. But when you start defending that one image, you diminish yourself by going on offense.

You are much deeper than who you think you are. The real you is like an ocean, and the made-up you is like a thimble.

You can spend the rest of your life offending others by defending that infinitesimal part of you OR you can begin to see the big picture – that there’s more to you than the surface reflects.

You can begin exploring your depths when you stop defending your limitations.

Begin to notice how defensive you are. Every time you notice and interrupt your defensive behavior, while it’s happening, the deeper you become. You finally get to a point when your defensive behavior starts to fade away, just like the false image that it was based on.

In football, they say the best offense is a good defense. In life, you can win without either.

All the best,

John

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What are you married to? And, no, you don’t need a spouse to be married to something.

What did you go to the altar with? Is it working after all these years? Are you staying together for convenience, and how often do you come up with yet another excuse for staying together?

Perhaps you’ve come to the point where you want to alter that arranged marriage.

Being married to something means you are joined at the hip; you become one solid entity with a thing. By being married to a thing, you become more like a thing and less like a person. Like many married couples, you are viewed as one.

Who wants to be a thing? Not many, but most of us become just that when we exchange vows with a thing.

Do you want to remain a role in life? That’s remaining a thing. Do you want to be known as a position or a person?

When you answer the question, “Who are you?” and you answer as a thing, you know you are married to that concept.

“Candlestick Maker” may be a noble occupation but that’s not who you are. Neither are you a husband, a wife, mother, father, sister, brother, boss or employee. You may be married to those descriptions, but that’s not you. Neither are you your positions on a topic. You are far deeper than what you are married to.

Staying married to a concept makes you that concept and not the creative expression you were meant to be.

Altering your marriage begins by recognizing that you have become one with a concept – a thing. A trial separation is necessary to feel the freedom of what dropping that concept feels like.

In order to become your creative self, your positions have to soften, because positions harden you and turn you into a thing.

Find out what you are married to and you will begin to notice that you have exchanged your creativity for captivity.

If you’ve gone to the altar with something, it’s not too late to alter your position. Doing so frees you from concrete confines and takes you into the softer cement of creativity.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper popped in on a phone call yesterday and had this to say: “If you always need something to be happy, you’ll always be needy.”

It seems we pursue neediness more than we do happiness and it usually doesn’t have a happy ending.

There is a difference between need and desire and we often confuse the two. Needs are things you can’t live without – air, food, water, etc. Desires are things that we perceive would make our life better or more fulfilling or complete.

I’d rather be happy than not, but I recognize happiness as ephemeral. It comes and goes. It’s not a permanent state and it’s not a requisite need.

We fall into the trap that something will make us happy. Perhaps it will, for a time. Take the person who “needs” a new car to be happy. How long does that happiness last after the purchase? To the first oil change?

We’ve all done this fill-in-the-blank: “When I have _____________, then I’ll be happy.” This suggests that we need something to be happy. We don’t. Happiness will visit whether we get what fills in the blank or not. Its arrival is independent of the desired thing.

Neediness is a result of confusing desires and needs, and when we’re confused, we experience a lot less happiness.

Catch yourself saying, “I need _________.” Then immediately substitute the word “Desire” in “Need’s” place.

When you make a clear distinction between the two, you become less needy and experience more happiness.

All the best,

John

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The end of soon will not happen soon enough for me.

This is a mini-rant.

I detest the word “Soon.” It is the fluffiest word in the dictionary and I’m just as guilty of using it as anyone else.

When is soon? It could be a few seconds to a lifetime depending on who’s using it.

I would rather endure a monsoon than soon.

I got a sales call disguised as a service call last week. The person reportedly wanted to thank me for my business of a recent purchase and then went on to pitch me on another of their products. I inquired when the product I had ordered would be arriving. She replied, “Soon.”

I responded with a question: “When specifically is soon?” She then said, “Oh, that’s not my department; I don’t really know.” I said, “You know enough to lie to me to say, ‘Soon'” and then I politely ended the call.

“Soon” is often a parent word. We use it to as shorthand for “Shut up.”

When someone offers you “Soon,” they are giving you a handful of air. If you accept “Soon,” you will be disappointed because your timeframe of soon will not match theirs.

It’s always useful to get clarification of “Soon.” My personal favorite is, “How soon will that happen?” If they come back with “Oh, soon,” you know you are dealing with a person who doesn’t know.

Just for fun, notice how many times you hear the word “Soon” today and know that the person using it has nothing to say.

Rant over!

All the best,

John

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