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April 5, 2013

No Room

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 6:32 am

Make Room I watched a video earlier this week of a person asking for help with their problem. They didn’t know what their problem was but presented all sorts of symptoms in hopes of getting an answer.

Here’s my experience in giving “answers”: They usually are not accepted when there is no room for them. The person may give lip service to what a spot-on remedy you’ve provided, but they will not, for any length of time, take the prescription.

The barring of the solution door is caused by self-absorption.

In my experience, the hardest people to help are those who are self-absorbed. That means that there is no room in them for anything or anyone else.

They’re not “bad” people – just singularly focused on keeping their attention on themselves. It’s as though no one else exists except as an obstacle or an inconvenience to their stated desires.

They are horrible in relationships because they have no room for anyone but them.

They don’t relate well because their attention only comes out as a convenience or a prop to get what they want. They just don’t freely give their attention away.

Attention is a human elixir and we all are seeking it. When your attention consistently stays in, you rob yourself of the exchange that is necessary for a bond to form. You can’t live on your own attention. The practice is limiting and it’s the cause of your often cited problems.

Don’t confuse lack of attention with selfishness. Many self-absorbed people will give out their services and skills freely but their attention stays locked in a vault.

Having relationship problems? Assess your attention. If you do an unbiased inspection, you will find that your attention stays home and only comes out as a quid pro quo.

It’s like the person who gives money to charity for a tax advantage rather than from the milk of human kindness.

Make a practice of giving your attention away to another for no good reason. Make room for them by giving them your attention with no strings attached and watch the bond strengthen.

When you make room for other ideas and other people, you become roomier and discover the ultimate secret of attention: When you send it out, it comes back.

All the best,

John

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April 3, 2013

Head Banging

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 6:55 am

IStock 000005373858XSmall I have never met anyone who hasn’t banged their head against the wall. It’s a universal occurrence and, for some, it’s an everyday event.

The old joke comes to mind.

Psychiatrist: “Why do you bang your head against the wall?

Patient: “Because it feels so good when I stop.”

Our mission is to stop because when we do, we feel better.

Some are really dyed-in-the-wool head bangers. Their skulls have gotten so thick with calluses that the message to stop has a hard time getting through. Reminds me of a story . . .

This past weekend I was online and searching for information on a boyhood friend. He drank more alcohol than any person I ever met. This habit caused him untold personal misery, not to mention to those around him. There was never a time, as an adult, that I didn’t see him on his way to being drunk, drunk or hung over. I haven’t seen him in 25 years and wondered if he even was still alive. To my surprise, there he was online in an orange jumpsuit serving a sentence for bail violation and DUI. Apparently, he’s been in and out of local jails numerous times just over the past few years all due to his brand of head banging – drinking.

This isn’t an essay on tea totaling; it’s more of an attempt to get us to notice our own habit of head banging and pursue the relief that stopping brings.

All head banging is purposeful. That means, at one time, it served a purpose. It solved a problem. Many young people start to smoke to be accepted by their peer group. Smoking does that for them. It also becomes an addictive habit. The purpose for smoking no longer consciously exists, but the purposeful pattern lingers on. Walls are broken and skulls are damaged.

It’s time to recognize our version of head banging and pursue the feeling that stopping brings. Many years ago best selling author, Harvey Diamond told me, “To get healthy, you have to return yourself to the conditions of health.”

The feeling is there just waiting for you. You just have to return yourself to the conditions that will allow it to come forth. In the case of head banging, the remedy is stopping.

Perhaps you need help. Seek it.

This posting is an attempt to get you to notice that you are banging your head against the wall, and to remind you that the universal remedy is stopping.

Return yourself to the conditions that existed before you began head banging, and it won’t be too long before you’re properly using your head.

All the best,

John

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April 2, 2013

I Am Not Me

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 5:22 am

C395251 m I’ve had a recurring phrase visit me in the last couple of days – “I’m not me.” Of course I was curious because this thought was begging for attention.

It occurred to me that “me” is the part of me that gets flummoxed. Isn’t that a great word?

It’s not a great feeling though.

“Me’ is a victim. It’s as though the whole world has chosen me to dump on. Have you ever felt like that, Bunky? I’m certain you have, and when that happens, you are caught up in the part of you that isn’t you – Me!

Me has the ability to piss and moan with the best of them and can make you believe that it’s you. It’s never you – never was and never will be.

An autopsy of you will never find me. Me is the fictitious you that you made up and got comfortable with.

Me is an entity that things happen to. It’s always at the butt end of circumstance and has tons of enemies and people plotting cabals against it. Truth be told, we’re just not that important, but don’t tell “me” that.

Me believes the whole world is centered around me. You, on the other hand, knows it’s centered. That means that when you get caught up in me, you would be wise to catch your breath and get centered on you – the part of you that dwarfs the trials and tribulations of me.

Me is a reflection of your accumulated reactive thoughts. You is a chosen response to any given stimulus. You can choose to believe you are your thoughts but that will only get you more of “Poor me.” You can also choose to change your focus from me to you.

When you focus on the whole (You), the part (Me) becomes less significant.

We have mistaken ourselves for our thoughts and when we believe them, we become me.

You are not your thoughts or your circumstance; you are much deeper. And at these depths, me can no longer function.

I invite you to get curious about you. And when you do, you’ll discover for yourself that “I’m not me.”

All the best,

John

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March 28, 2013

Training

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 7:57 am

C486052 m Do you have the discipline to train? That’s a question I’ve asked and answered for myself over the last few days.

I watched a TED video featuring writer, Josh Foer who gave a talk about training your memory. He got me curious enough to attempt to train my memory to remember some fun things – The names of the plays of Shakespeare (whom I’ve never read), the chronology of the written works of Charles Dickens and the sequential list of all the Presidents of the United States.

I was able to do those three things in less than a day. Doing so got me thinking more broadly about training.

There is so much lying dormant in each of us that is begging for training. For example, there’s a healthier body in there, a sharper mind, a better (pick your hobby). You can train on new software or hardware or anything under the sun for that matter.

Back to memory for a moment. Over the years, some people have told me I have a good memory and it’s usually followed up by them saying, “I have such a bad memory.” What I’ve come to find out in the last couple of days is that there aren’t good or bad memories, just untrained ones.

The same goes for your golf game or your quilting expertise.

My brother-in-law had a great illustration of those who take to training and those who don’t. He said, “There are people who spend 25 years in the insurance industry and repeat their first year over and over again.” I’m sure that applies to all occupations.

I’m not revealing any new secret here that training makes you better at something, even using your own brain. What I ask you to get curious about is to notice that you are not locked in to your current lack of expertise in anything. You are trainable. You just have to be willing to train.

“Oh, I’m all thumbs” becomes thumbing your nose at your self imposed limitations when you decide to train.

I’m not sure that knowing Millard Fillmore was the 13th President of the United States is going to win me any rewards, but it’s rewarding to know the learning train has not yet left the station.

All the best,

John

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March 26, 2013

The Acceptance Myth

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 7:08 am

Might copy The prevailing myth surrounding acceptance is that you can will it to happen. You can’t.

Acceptance has nothing to do with setting your mind and all to do with opening your heart.

I’ve likened acceptance to the Christian concept of Grace in the past. You can’t will Grace to come to you, only open yourself up to it being possible. The same is true for acceptance.

You can certainly give lip service and say you accept something, but that act of will doesn’t deliver the feeling of acceptance.

What does acceptance feel like? The same question has been asked about love over the centuries. It’s different for everyone, but everyone who experiences it knows it instantly.

If you are wrestling with the concept of acceptance in your mind, you are not experiencing acceptance. “I know I should accept this but I just can’t.” As The Grasshopper reminded us just a while ago, “Should is evidence that there is an argument going on in your mind.” Arguing and acceptance both begin with the letter “A” but that’s their only similarity.

If you are arguing for acceptance, you are arguing for your limitations. Truth be told, you don’t have the conscious ability to accept. Your consciousness can set the process in motion by being willing to experience acceptance should you encounter it, but that’s all you can do with your will.

Acceptance will come when it comes and not a moment sooner, no matter how much you attempt to will it to happen. Willingness is the softer side of will and when you employ it, you have a much better chance of acceptance responding to your invitation.

“I am willing to accept” is a more useful mantra than a declaration of will that states, “I will accept things as they come.” No you won’t; you’ll resist them, and anything you resist always takes longer to happen.

If you are struggling with acceptance, end the argument now. Just be willing to accept acceptance. Willingness is a lure; will is a cement wall.

Are you willing to give up arguing for something that can’t be argued for? When you are, you free yourself from The Acceptance Myth.

All the best,
John

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March 20, 2013

Passion

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 7:21 am

C574813 m I was having a discussion with a friend yesterday about passion. I remarked that I hadn’t met anyone who had a passion for something who didn’t wind up pursuing and getting what they were truly passionate about.

Passion isn’t an idle wish. It’s more on the order of “if I can’t have this, I won’t be able to breathe.”

Then it occurred to me that passion isn’t a choice. It’s something that chooses you.

You can certainly choose to explore new areas and open yourself up to being accosted by passion, but you won’t find it by choosing from a list of things to be potentially passionate about.

Have you ever had the experience of being out and about and something just caught your eye and engaged your curiosity? That could be the beginning stage of passion choosing you. You weren’t looking for this, but it was looking for you. That’s a clue that this is something you may want to pursue.

If you lack passion, pay attention to what grabs your attention. We often let it pass by without further exploration. It may be passion calling out to you. To find out for sure, you can schedule a few dates to see if it’s something you want to get more serious about or if it’s just a passing fancy.

Lacking passion is akin to being the walking dead. Pay attention to what’s paying attention to you. It just may be something to get passionate about.

All the best,

John

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March 18, 2013

Resident or Guest?

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 7:18 am

C450791 m Had this thought pop in during a weekend walk: Thoughts: Residents or guests?

It got me thinking in a new direction about thoughts.

An original thought is a guest and a recurring thought is a resident. Simple enough.

But do we take the time to notice the difference while thinking? It seems that we have to stop thinking for a moment and categorize what we just thought. Was that last thought a resident or a guest?

What you will find is that most of your thoughts are residents – ones you’ve become familiar with. You’re kind of married to them; you can finish their thought before they do.

When you take the time to stop and notice what you are thinking, you will notice the repetitiveness of thinking. Just by noticing that you are thinking the same thoughts is observation enough to create a space in your thought stream for a new thought to come in.

One way to put out the welcome mat for guest thoughts is to notice your resident thoughts. It’s as simple as observing the thought. “Oh, I’m having the thought about the tax bill coming due.” You probably had that thought at least a hundred times before you noticed it. It was residing in consciousness without you even acknowledging it.

When you notice and acknowledge the thought, you create a space in your consciousness for a guest thought to pop in – one that’s not wearing out the carpeting by repetitvely walking around the hallways of your mind.

A guest thought gets you thinking in a new direction. The key to getting more guests is to make space for them. You only have a limited amount of space in your consciousness and if it’s all being taken up by residents, there is no room for guests.

The way to make room in your thinking is to stop and notice what you are thinking. This deliberate act of attention pauses the thought machine just long enough to create a space.

Guest thoughts are polite. They won’t force themselves on you; they’ll only come when there’s room for them.

Want more guests? Let the residents know you are observing them carefully.

All the best,

John

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March 15, 2013

Funhouse Mirror Logic

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 7:51 am

C423705 m There are a number of beliefs out there, and in here, that just can’t hold water.

Let’s start easy. How many people do you know who believe that you can turn fat into muscle? Fat is fat and muscle is muscle and never do the trains meet.

Another twisted piece of logic . . . Luck actually exits as a thing. Luck is always a concept that we apply after the fact when we experience good or bad circumstances. Luck doesn’t exist as an entity, it’s a mental category.

Now that we’ve gotten a couple of softballs out of the way, let’s dig in to some deep do-do. Here is Funhouse Mirror Logic at its finest: If I can explain what happened, I can undo what happened.

No you can’t. What happened, happened. Please notice the period after the previous sentence.

You may be able to assess what happened and put steps in place to keep it from happening again, but you cannot undo what happened.

Some people spend almost their entire lifetime doing revisionist history expecting history to change. Notice that “history” and “happened” are synonyms.

Let’s pretend you are a cheating spouse. No amount of explanation or justification will undo what you did. Check with any marriage counselor and they will tell you that’s what their clients continually attempt to do – undo what they’ve done.

This phenomenon falls under the broad category of avoiding “My Bad.” When’s the last time you heard anyone take full responsibility for their actions? You have encountered more lime seeds in your lifetime.

The explanations go on and on and the fact remains the same – you did what you did.

The amount of time spent on attempting the impossible (undoing), is staggering. What you are attempting to undo will remain with you until you own what happened. Not doing so, keeps a heavy weight in place.

Every time you offer a justification or explanation, you make your story heavier with horse shit and you carry that heavy burden and stink with you.

You can spend the rest of your life explaining away what you did (as many prisoners with life sentences do), but that only allows you pseudo peace of mind for a brief time. Every look into a mirror outside the carnival grounds will shatter your myth and reflect your burden back on you.

If your goal is to make amends, the justifications have to end. When you own something you’ve done, you can shed unnecessary baggage and more easily move forward.

You cannot undo what you’ve done but you can own up to it and lighten your load. If you don’t, your luck will run out, and even though your brain isn’t a muscle, if you don’t use it, you’ll become a fathead.

All the best,

John

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March 14, 2013

Discover Yourself

Filed under: John Morgan's Blog — John Morgan @ 6:54 am

P468937 m I was having a dream this morning where I found myself counseling a total stranger. He was struggling with his performance at something and out of nowhere I offered him this: “Discover yourself through other people.” Then I woke up.

Here’s what I find when I’m offering input to other people: I’m usually offering that advice to myself.

There is a part of me that’s just like them and my sense is that I need to be exposed to my remedy as much as they do.

Other people will not only test you, they will improve you. They will help you discover a part of you that you’re keeping in hiding. These hidden parts of you are patterns that hold you back.

If you deny or don’t know they exist, they will continue to run your life into the ground. Other people show you your patterns. What you don’t like in them is what you don’t like in yourself. If you continue to only ascribe their patterns to them, you’ll miss an opportunity to bring yours out into the light of day.

It’s hard for us to admit that there is a part of us that’s just like a person with an offending pattern. That doesn’t mean that we’re just like the other person. In fact, we may be oceans apart. What it does mean is that the part of us that observes their limiting pattern is the part of us that has it too, to one degree or another. It’s like two artists or two plumbers at a crowded event who never met who wind up talking to each other. They find each other.

Every encounter with another person is an opportunity to find out more about you.

This isn’t an exercise to find out what’s wrong with you; it’s an opportunity to explore what’s hidden from view.

Have you ever been offered an observation about you from someone you respect that opened your eyes to a pattern that was holding you back? That’s the opportunity you get every time you observe something you don’t like about someone else. You find out a little bit more about what’s hiding in you.

If you avoid other people, you are avoiding the parts of you that you don’t like. In essence, you don’t like the experience of having a mirror held up to you face, especially by a total stranger.

Total strangers will teach you more about you than your closest friends. You just have to be open to what they have to show you to discover what’s holding you back.

All the best,

John