“If you don’t own an experience, you can only talk about it and, when that happens, talk is truly cheap.” That was what The Grasshopper was proselytizing this morning.

I sense he was attempting to convert me from talk to experience with his message.

Experience is cleaner – meaning it’s more direct. Talk seems to nibble around the cookie’s edge forever.

I learned a concept years ago called “Incongruity.” It’s when a person’s affect doesn’t match up with their words. The textbook example of incongruity is a person saying “Yes” while shaking their head from side to side. Dr. Dave Dobson taught us that the unspoken response is the one to pay most attention to.

People who don’t own experiences, yet talk about them as if they do, are incongruent. That’s just another way of saying that what they are saying deserves little of your attention.

What experience are you pretending to own? Reminds me of a story . . .

I got a call from someone I casually knew inviting me to participate in an event. He went on to describe the event and all the benefits associated with it. The underlying current was that he was describing benefits he claimed to own, but didn’t. His words were spot on but his delivery was incongruent.

Think about salesmen that you like. That could take a long time but when you find an example or two, contrast them with the ones who made you exclaim “P.U.”

What was the difference? The ones you liked were more congruent. Their words matched up with their experience and made you feel more comfortable around them.

It’s OK to talk about something you don’t own. That’s called exploring. But when you claim to own it and you can’t produce the “deed,” you are offering up incongruent words not worthy of my heed.

The real lesson for us all is to find the touted experiences that we don’t own and retire the stories we’ve been telling about them. The abbreviated message is this: Stop fabricating fables or, more to the point, stop lying.

Your lack of experience will betray you even if you swear on a stack of bibles and bare false witness to the directive “so say you.”

Are you Experienced?

All the best,

Jimi Hendrix (an obvious incongruity)

Here’s another view on the phrase “I hate you.”

You’re probably not human if you’ve never said or thought that phrase. I know I have and I meant it when I said or thought it.

But who actually said or thought that phrase? The conditioned you, that’s who.

The part of us that pretends to be us says some of the “darndest” things.

When something vile like that pops into our mind or out of our mouth, you can be sure it’s our conditioning talking, not us. That, however, does not absolve us from our vile utterances. There are consequences for actions, no matter what part of us produced them.

If you need proof that my hatred assertion is true, find a toddler that hates. They haven’t been conditioned yet.

Who do you hate? No one. Who does your conditioning hate? All the people on your hate list.

Quoting Buddha: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.”

Hatred is anger and it will burn you too. Hanging on to hatred is hanging on to your justifications, which is another way of saying hanging on to your conditioning.

The next time you are about to utter your next bit of hate speech, pause for a moment and notice where it’s coming from. It’s coming from the part of you that you made up and got comfortable with – your public persona. That’s not who you were born into; that’s how you were molded.

There are two ways to break the mold – noticing or dying. Dead people don’t have any more conditioning. Noticing is the method to do while living. Notice your conditioning about to speak and interrupt it. Each time you do, a little more love comes through and that feels good for me and you.

All the best,

John

Here’s a question worth reflection: How come your body’s not your best friend?

We spend every minute of our lives with our body but too often we give it the Cinderella stepsister cold shoulder.

We fall in love with our minds even though we experience constant betrayal from them, but we don’t offer that love to our bodies often enough.

Not only is your body your constant companion; it does what it’s supposed to do every time. For example, your body will turn copious amounts of junk food into fat. That’s what it’s supposed to do. It will also slim down and respond with more energy when you feed it more healthfully.

“Take care of your body” is a throw away phrase in our culture. They are empty words that aren’t backed up. We’re not taking care of our bodies when we constantly complain about them – when all they are doing is what they were designed to do.

When we are in physical pain, we curse our bodies. Our bodies are producing the pain because that’s what they are designed to do. Pain is a red flag that something is going on with us that needs to be remedied.

Too often the remedy is to numb our bodies rather than explore what’s causing the pain. I’d be the first in line for a pain pill if I was in severe pain but that’s not the pain many people are numbing.

Your body knows the answer to your situation; your mind keeps guessing. We keep inquiring of our mind and all it does is spin out one theory after another. Inquiring of our bodies will get quicker results.

Take a moment of quiet time and ask your body what’s causing your pain? Don’t listen for an answer from your mind, feel an answer with your body. Your body will send you a signal; you just have to pay attention to it.

Once you get a signal, ask your body for another remedy besides pain – one that serves the purpose of alerting you, but doesn’t incapacitate you. Your body is flexible and can sing more than one song. You just have to make friends with it and then make your request.

Making friends with your body will short-circuit the caterwauling of your mind and is a more direct way to get you out of your bind.

Today, introduce yourself to your new best friend – Your body!

All the best,

John

If hindsight is foresight, how come we put the pedal to the metal and speed right through the present on to a totally predictable future?

We forget to STOP in the most useful time there is – right now – and make a course correction.

The present moment is the only time that you can make a change, otherwise past is prologue to a future that may look different but retains the stench of past errors, ever ready to repeat themselves.

What we do right now is a paving stone to our future. If we don’t STOP in this moment, we will blow right through the present and not even notice it was there.

I request that we all take a moment today to honor the present. Just take in what the moment has to offer. The past will always be there to think about and the future will always lie in waiting, but the present is only here now.

Take advantage of the present today and see what changes come your way.

All the best,

John

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There are countless numbers of religions, all with their own doctrines. There are political organizations, also with countless doctrines. It seems that the set of beliefs they have each settled in on sets them apart from each other. And therein lies the main difficulty.

I am truly amazed when I pass a house of worship and they have a marquee out front with some pithy saying. What amazes me is how exclusionary these phrases can be. The sayings often espouse a portion of their doctrine, and the underlying suggestion is that this way is the only way. I find the same exclusionary practice in many pieces of political literature.

Yes, I know you’re not supposed to talk about religion and politics, so let’s just focus the conversation on doctrine. When each side sets doctrine aside, progress sets in.

When your focus is principally on your principles, a solution remains out of focus.

I would love to see a sign like this at the entrance way of an ecumenical gathering: “Let’s set doctrine aside and just experience God.”

Capitol buildings could have a sign that reads: “The people we serve deserve more than our dedication to doctrine.”

Do you really care if the person giving you life saving, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation believes the same way you do, or do you just want the mission completed?

Whether it’s politics, religion or your own family, doesn’t it make sense to get past the doctrine and get something done?

If you are dictated to by doctrine, you can only say the same things over and over again. There is no room for something new to emerge that would serve others and you, no matter what hymn book you sing from.

You could spend your whole life defending your doctrine or you could have it there simply as your guide. The latter choice gives you the flexibility and option to accomplish something by periodically setting it aside.

All the best,

John

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“If I can only teach you what I can do, I put limits on what you can accomplish.” That’s the gist of what The Grasshopper offered on yesterday’s walk.

If I can only teach you A, B and C. like most schooling, I will keep you in a “Parrot Prison.”

Reminds me of a story I may have told before . . .

I have an old acquaintance who is quite successful at what he does but I have trouble finding “him” there. That’s because he constantly references others while engaging you in conversation. He is a quote machine. He’s forever telling you what someone else said. I have no idea what he thinks. If I wanted to know what Benjamin Franklin thought, I would read his writings. This person is successful but not original. He’s formulaic, which is a fancy term for cookie cutter.

You can easily learn his formulas, which are quite helpful, but they will only take you so far. At some point, you have to realize that the alphabet is just the beginning. Even after you get to “Z,” there is an infinite world of possibility.

I have never been a big fan of the phrase “Outside the Box.” I certainly believe in the concept, but generally what I find is that people who espouse that maxim have not learned what’s inside the box yet. That’s where formulas are helpful, like “Measure twice; cut once.”

Once you have the basics down to second nature, it’s time to explore past what the formulas get you.

At some point, it’s useful to encourage others to learn on their own. I’m not sure that curiosity can be taught, but anything you can do to move another in curiosity’s direction is more helpful than giving them another lesson of what you already know.

Curiosity will take you to the edge where all new learning takes place. I’m not suggesting that you live on the edge, just to visit it more often. That’s where you learn to accomplish things past what you can already do.

Curiosity will stretch you out of your rigidness and give you the flexibility to learn something new.

There is no new Latin to learn, but learning Latin may stretch you. “sedit qui timuit ne non succederet.” He who feared he would not succeed sat still.

People can learn much more than you can teach them if you encourage them to expand on that knowledge and get curious how to create new boxes that they can eventually teach themselves and others to think outside of.

All the best,

John

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“Secrets can’t help but to be secreted.” So said The Grasshopper when I awakened this morning.

A common notion is that some people take secrets to the grave with them. That may be true but it does not mean they didn’t offer them up to you while living.

Secrets by their nature fester. They are like a musical piece looking for a resolving chord. Everyone has secrets and if you pay enough attention to them, their secrets become transparent.

There are enough experts on body language to give you plenty of clues as to what to look for, but the clues, alone, are often not enough. Those methods have you pay attention to the clues, which are helpful, but there is another way to find someone’s secret – give all your attention to them. When you do that, you, in effect, become them and their secrets are now yours.

I don’t really know how it works; I only know that I have unearthed secrets that I had no business knowing when I chose to give my full attention to someone, rather than just to their facade.

People want to reveal their secrets but they never will give them to someone they don’t trust. When you give your full attention to someone, you give up your judgements of them and become welcome. This welcoming affords you the opportunity to be present to what’s there, not what you “think” is there. That’s when secrets flow between the two of you.

I don’t know what psychic is and I’ve never claimed to be one. I do know this: Peoples’ secrets are no longer secret to me when I give up knowing what I know about them (judgements) and just choose to give them my full attention.

It’s hard to let go of what you know, but when you do, there’s no secret that’s unavailable to you.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper reflected on old and new when he delivered this gem from out of the blue: “Contained in every successful new beginning is the absence of old baggage.”

It seems we rarely start out fresh. We tend to take stale with us. This practice keeps new beginnings to a minimum.

One reason it is difficult to start over is because we keep covering old territory. The old terrain causes us pain and it’s hard to move when hobbled by history.

The best athletes are the ones with the poorest memories about their slumps. Even the greatest ones have their ups and downs, but the ones that put their shortcomings in the rear view mirror the quickest, put new in view.

Your past can only drag you down if you keep carrying it around. Getting past the past is the first step towards a new beginning. This is not a wholesale dropping of your history that I refer to because there is merit in the classic wedding rhyme – “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.” Taking the past forward is problematic only when the past pretends to be the present. That’s only possible in our mind.

Leaving the past in the past is the proper place for it and the only way to successfully move forward.

If you are having consistent trouble turning over a new leaf, chances are the past is your thief.

All the best,

John

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Here is one of life’s hard learned lessons: It’s no one’s job to make you happy.

The sooner we learn this, the better our chances to experience more happiness.

We have to take our reins of happiness out of the hands of others and return them to where they rightly belong – to us.

When we put the onus on others for our happiness, it will always be a crap shoot. Sometimes you’ll win but most often you will lose. It reminds me of a saying I remember from long ago: If you don’t want to be let down, stop leaning on people.

Depending on others to make you happy is like waiting to hit the big jackpot in Powerball. It could happen, but what are the odds?

We burden other people when we expect them to be the source of our happiness. Happiness is an internal state, not generated from an external force. To prove this to yourself, think of something that someone did that “made you happy.” Then think of another time they did the exact same thing and it didn’t make you happy. Your happiness comes from you.

Waiting for someone to arrive with your basket of happiness is an illusion we all have, until we don’t. The sooner we get to don’t, the sooner we discover our source of happiness.

Honest Abe was on to something when he said, “People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Make up your mind that it’s no one’s job to make you happy.

All the best,

John

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We are most likely to act poorly under pressure. When someone is pressured, they will revert back to conditioned patterns of behavior.

Think back when you fell down and skinned your knee as a child. There may have been someone there with comforting words and a touch, and a touch of anti-bacterial ointment or spray and, perhaps, a Flintstone’s band-aid. Then there was the payoff – candy, cookie, lollipop, etc.

Is it any wonder that when we get hurt as an adult (pressured), that we reach back for conditioned behaviors – patterns that we’ve learned that are indelible. The nervous system doesn’t know the context of hurt; it only registers hurt from the senses and responds with the patterns it learned.

When you are pressured, it’s helpful to pause and notice that you are about to give a patterned reaction. Just the sheer noticing of your automatic behavior about to kick in, gives you the option to choose another way to go.

Like many people, I get ornery when I get tired. If I am pressured during that time frame, it is highly likely that I’m going to offer a patterned reaction that won’t serve me well. It’s just so automatic, unless . . . I notice.

Noticing may cause me to say something like, “Can we take this up in the morning because I’m not feeling very resourceful now?” Noticing that I’m about to give a patterned reaction is often enough to kick in a different response – one that will keep me from kicking myself the next day.

We often make excuses for people close to us when they respond poorly to pressure. “Oh, he’s just tired.” “The job has really gotten her down.” What we don’t say is what is really happening: They are reacting with past patterns rather than updated ones.

It’s helpful to know that choice is available to you, even under pressure. You just have to stop and notice that pressure is about to reveal your conditioned patterns and interrupt that reaction before it comes out to play and ruins your day.

All the best,

John

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