The Grasshopper dropped his left and delivered this gem yesterday: “When your defenses are down, your communication ability is up.”

I don’t know about you, but some of the best responses I’ve ever given were not guarded or scripted. They came from no place of defense or preparation, were on point and sometimes illustrative or intuitive.

When I’ve been defensive, my reactions have been combative, missed their mark, and were predictably ineffective.

To me, being defensive is like walking into the wind towards a manure factory. You’re not going to come out smelling like a rose.

“Defend yourself at all times” is sage advice in the boxing ring but it almost guarantees you being knocked out everywhere else.

I’m not suggesting not to defend yourself, just stop being defensive. There’s a difference. Defensive is filled with justification which, almost always, leads to a no win debate.

Defending yourself is more question oriented. When someone delivers a verbal haymaker, it’s more in your interest to ask a question. My hypnosis teacher, Dr. Dave Dobson used to counsel this: “Respond to a critical remark with a question.” He also added to ask the question in neutral, meaning don’t have an implied “screw you” in it, and ask with genuine curiosity.

There is an openness in that approach which can lead to opportunities you may not see if hunkered down with your defenses.

You genuinely have a chance of going somewhere rather than going nowhere again when you drop your defenses.

If you find yourself defending yourself too often, you may want to get curious about asking questions. It can open you up to improvement, insight and a level of communication that you may never get to by being boxed in by your defenses.

All the best,

John

In my decades of experience in managing and coaching people, I can say, with confidence, that the hardest people to get results with are those who have “arrived.”

“Arrived” has an air about it that communicates that I don’t need to learn anything new because I already know it all. The funny thing is, I find this attitude is most prevalent in marginal performers.

Yet, I’ve also witnessed brilliant, successful people who can’t be bothered learning how they could improve because they don’t think they need improvement. I’ve literally watched geniuses defend personal behavior that a moron would recognize as detrimental and destructive.

Behavior behaves and the intellect justifies in the smart and not so smart. The mind, oftentimes, will attempt to convince you that you have arrived when, in fact, you have hardly begun.

My experience with “arrivers” also suggests that deep down they know they are pretending. Once their bombast calms down, they’re back at the drawing board crafting a new way to prop up their cardboard cutout with false bravado.

I’ve come to believe that the best strategy to help someone who has arrived is to help them retire the concept of “arrived.” Life is constant movement; there’s not a place called “Arrival” where you can put down roots. It’s like the electronics industry. The nifty gizmo you bought today is already obsolete in a research and development department somewhere, or on someone’s workspace in a basement, garage or kitchen counter.

People who know they haven’t arrived have tons of curiosity, no matter how successful they already are. If you have limited or no curiosity, you have “arrived” at a place called “Stuck.”

You can spend your time coming up with new defenses for your arrival or you can get curious about that which you know you don’t know.

Here’s the conundrum: If you think you’ve arrived, you haven’t. In fact, you never will.

And finally, here’s a recommendation I would like to drive home: I’m curious how soon you’ll put arrived in your rear view mirror?

All the best,

John

“Just because it doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.” So said the Grasshopper early this morning.

Have you ever scoffed at something and wondered how people could be so stupid to fall for something that doesn’t work? Take the email from the far off prince who wants to leave you their entire fortune as an example. “Just send us your social security number and banking information and we will deposit your money within 24 hours.”

That email doesn’t work for me but it’s obviously working on somebody or they wouldn’t keep sending it.

There is another angle to “doesn’t work” that galls me even more. It’s the person who judges something in their head as unworkable without doing the required work. That would be the person who says, “Gyms don’t work for me.” Yes they do, but you have to work at it. You may not like going to gyms, but that doesn’t mean they don’t work. Nothing “works” unless you work at it. Reminds me of a TV show I just saw . . .

My son watches this show while cooking in the kitchen. It’s called “Bar Rescue.” It’s about this bar consultant who goes into a struggling bar, makes assessments, makes recommendations, makes changes, all in an effort to turn the business around and start making a profit.

The consultant is an “in your face” guy that I have a hard time warming up to. He’s loaded with anger and a boatload of know how and uses both of those things to build successful businesses. I may not like him but I can’t argue with his ability to make things work.

I watched this recent episode where he ran into an equally angry bar owner who was adamant that this consultant’s strategies wouldn’t work. The bar owner was so consumed with “doesn’t work” that it got in the way of his business working. He was arguing for his limitations throughout the show and oppositional to anything offered to improve his bar and his bottom line.

Even after the metamorphosis and improved revenues, he still hadn’t matured. He undid some of the changes they made and my guess is that his business will go back to underperforming, all because he stayed with his judgments in his head that had no evidence to support them, instead of sticking with what had proven to work.

If you are holding on to beliefs that aren’t working for you, you may have to go to this guy’s bar and tout all the things “you know won’t work” and refuse to do them, and then the two of you can drown your sorrows together.

Bottom Line: If you’re arguing for your limitations, that doesn’t work.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper came up with a little rhyme that’s worth our time: “Follow-through: Doing what you say you’ll do.”

I know I’ve written about it before but one of the qualities of all the successful people I know is follow-through. The ones who aren’t as successful at what they do have a litany of reasons why they didn’t follow-through.

And let me dust off one of my favorite quotes again: “The reason life doesn’t work is because people don’t keep their agreements.” – Werner Erhard.

What is the fulfillment of an agreement other than follow-through?

If we look at where we’ve come up short in life, we have to look no further than lack of follow-through. It’s the secret ingredient for getting things done and having more successes.

Just do what you say you’ll do and you’ll experience follow-through.

Don’t do what you’ve agreed to do and you have earned the reputation of someone who can’t be counted on.

Who are you BS-ing when you commit to do something and don’t follow-through? Only yourself.

There are only two excuses that work for me.

1. Act of God.

2. I forgot.

If I hear reason 2 too often, I will forget about you, and so will everyone else.

The old road to failure is paved with excuses. To pave the way to a smoother future, make follow-through synonymous with you.

All the best,

John

Who doesn’t have secrets? I suspect they’re something we all have in common.

A secret is a piece of information that we don’t want certain people to know, so we keep it locked up. I wonder if you’ve ever considered the secret that you have hidden away that is so secret that even you don’t know about it.

I suspect that most of us have that secret in common as well.

What is the secret that we have under lock and key that even we can’t see?

The secret is in plain sight, not hidden away. We just have on dirty goggles that makes our vision opaque.

The secret is this: I’m not who I pretend to be.

This secret is so secret that we don’t even know of its existence even though it’s transparently clear.

The minute you accept a label and pretend to be that label, your secret gets buried deeper and deeper, covered over with layers and layers of misinformation.

Any label keeps you one step removed from who you really are. Add on more labels and you dance away even further from your core essence.

Think of labels as secret passwords that you have accumulated – your ATM PIN Number, the password to your financial information online, your Facebook login, your mother’s maiden name, your first pet, etc. You are not those passwords, nor are you the labels you have gathered over the years – Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Kind, Mean, Industrious or Lazy.

Labels are currency that allow us to transact with other labeled individuals. They give us a false sense of being “somebody.” They are useful to a point, but are pointless in getting to know who we really are. Labels keep us above the surface. The question that gets us to go deeper, where the real secret is revealed, is: Who am I without my labels?

I’m not my profession, my station in life, my accumulated possessions, my religion, my political affiliation or my position on any topic. Those are just labels that only stick to my exterior. Compared to what’s on the inside, they are exponentially inferior.

Want to get closer to who you really are? Start subtracting labels from your life. Start with one and then work your way down. Each time you remove a label, you get closer to your core, which, by comparison, makes any label seem poor.

Just stop using one label and notice how much lighter you feel; it starts the process of getting real.

All the best,

John

I think one of the most potent words in the English language is “Loser.” Whether it’s used pejoratively or not, it seems to convey the lowest of lows.

The Grasshopper checked in with a less stinging and more insightful definition. “Loser: One who is struggling against the flow of life.”

We’ve all struggled and the more we do, the more we lose.

I’m reminded once again about the remarks of the late comedian/actor, Jackie Gleason revealing a secret to life: “Be going out when the tide is going out and be coming in when it’s coming in. Anytime I did it differently, I paid the price.”

What is the flow of life? It’s what presents itself every moment – Reality. The flow of life is the flow of reality. Some days reality will flow our way; some days it won’t.

It’s too easy to say, “Go with the flow.” That’s a directive without direction. My suggestion is to begin to recognize when you are railing against reality; then you’ll know you’re going opposite to the flow.

Recognition that you are swimming against the tide is often enough to get you to stop struggling. The struggle is getting you nowhere. You are better served waiting for the tide to shift.

To know that you’re not in the flow is an asset that signals you to stop struggling (losing) and wait for a more opportune time to expend your energy.

Are you putting too much energy into losing? it’s a question worth asking and worth waiting for a response.

I think it’s this simple; If you are struggling against the flow, you are choosing to continue losing.

All the best,

John

Have you ever used the phrase, “We’re not on the same page”? Or how about, “We’re not singing out of the same hymn book”? Perhaps you’ve even said, “We’re not on the same frequency.”

On the initial review of those phrases we may assess them all as metaphors. I submit the last one is more than a metaphor.

“The Same Frequency” has science behind it. According to the scientists everything is energy and energy can be measured in frequency.

When you are on the same frequency with someone, there is a bond and you radiate that frequency together. Think of a couple in love. There’s more to their bond than reading flowery phrases out of a book of poems together. There is a sameness – an exact frequency humming in both of them.

So how do we get on the same frequency as someone else? You can’t think your way there. That just creates a lot of noise that diverts you from a matching frequency.

One way is to give your critical consciousness a rest and just be with another person without agenda. Let the back and forth conversation in your head subside and watch a bond begin to form. This doesn’t mean that you don’t converse; it means to let your prepared remarks fall by the wayside and let the conversation naturally flow. Note to control freaks: This is like walking the high wire without a net. It’s scary.

It’s also very effective in getting on the same frequency.

When your back and forth with someone is less prepared and more free flowing, the chance for being on the same frequency is more of a possibility.

Not convinced? Practice in low risk situations like interacting with a stranger in the deli line, or with the person on the seat next to you on a bus or plane, or with the UPS guy. What you will find, when you let your preparation die, is the aliveness of the same frequency.

To borrow and bend a famous line: “May the frequency be with you.”

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper had an interesting question the other day: “Who’s going to pay for your bad day?”

In the spirit of full disclosure, I do believe this was a nudge from the universe to write one of the books I’ve been threatening to write for years but have been too lazy to give it full effort.

The book’s theme is about growing up and what’s necessary to be in place to be an adult, not just an older person with lots of immature habits.

One of the signs of immaturity I’ve been able to observe is that when a person is mad, they’re mad at the whole world. The message they communicate is: If I’m going down, everyone is going with me, including all the innocents. They seem incapable of compartmentalizing their angst.

The textbook example is the person who comes home from a less than glorious day at work. Children in the home are just being children, playing and being kids. The parent snaps at what is regular behavior and even the dog goes away with its tail between its legs. Everyone is going to pay for your bad day.

The trick to outgrowing any behavior is to recognize and acknowledge it while it’s running and physically interrupt it before it does its damage. But lots of folks don’t recognize this “gonna’ pay” phenomenon as immaturity. They, or others, have labeled it in the category of “That’s just the way I am.” That’s justifying immaturity and keeping it in place. In fact, most times you hear the word “just,” you’re about to hear a justification.

“Oh, he’s just in one of his moods” is a telltale justification for someone’s immaturity. Whether you are defending yourself or someone else with a justification for poor behavior, you are legitimizing immaturity as acceptable behavior.

Does everyone have to pay for your bad day? Your answer to that question determines your level of immaturity. Once you recognize it, you now have the option to grow up.

All the best,

John

It occurred to me recently that you can’t feel alive without feeling. That may seem obvious on first blush, but allow me to offer you the opportunity to get red in the face as often as possible.

Attempting to feel alive in your head will keep you feeling dead. It’s like planting a piece of bark and expecting a tree to grow.

Thinking bypasses feeling and is a poor substitute. Thinking can be a spark that sets a fire but you’ve got to feel the heat of the flame in order to gain, otherwise thinking, alone, is a zero sum game.

Feeling is something we have been conditioned to dismiss. The stiff upper lip crowd can provide all the evidence you need. They attempt to override their feelings with rules and advice, and with a public face, encourage you to avoid that which feels nice. They also attempt to avoid the downside of feelings, and in the process remain divorced from their body.

If you are human, you feel. The extent to which you attempt to curtail those feelings is in inverse proportion to how alive you feel.

Feeling alive requires a dive – into your feelings. You won’t talk yourself out of them. They keep knocking on your door until you let them in.

Allowing your feelings into your housing is so much more than rousing. They provide an aliveness that you can otherwise only talk about.

Invite your feelings to come in to play. I can guarantee that you’ll feel a mix of both joy and sadness in the process, with the upside being that the mannequin known as you will feel alive, and you’ll be able to author your own book called: “Feeling for Dummies.”

Let your body feel. It’s a guaranteed way to become real.

All the best,

John

It occurred to me recently that one of life’s missions is “Learning to be you.” For me, it took a long time but the wait was worth it.

Learning to be you is being comfortable in your own skin. It’s not about your preferences or prejudices (those are ideas that live in your head); it’s more about the comfortable sensations you have about being you.

I imagine that we’ve all dreamed what it would be like being someone else, but even if that dream became a reality, it would pale in comparison to being you.

Being you is being home. It requires no justification or defense, it just is.

It’s not the declaration, “That’s just who I am.” That’s a defense of a mind made facade. Being you is being secure in the worth of your existence and a contentment with the Buddha‘s notion that “Everything is as it should be.”

Being you isn’t being passive; being you lets more things naturally pass by that you would have reacted to in the past. You don’t sweat the small stuff as much – the stuff that caused you so much consternation before.

Being you is not being above it all; it’s being inclusive of it all and letting what doesn’t stick fall harmlessly away.

It’s always a challenge when attempting to put a feeling into words because there are no words that can describe a feeling. There is no way of describing “Being you.” It’s an experience that you will instantly recognize when it happens to you – kind of like being in love.

Being you is loving who you are past all the labels that have been ascribed to you. My hope is that you find you and saturate yourself in the comfortable sensations of being home.

All the best,

John