Stumbled across this Grasshopper tidbit that highlights a universal illusion that we all suffer from from time to time:

“Reality Doesn’t Go In Reverse.”

Life, like a friendly game of golf, doesn’t give out “Mulligans” (Do-overs), but we pretend it does. This piece of personal illusion has us repeat our defeats and prevents us from moving forward.

If there is a bigger governor on progress than miss-assessing or lying about our current location, I’m unaware of it. We cannot get to where we want to go when we make up where we currently are. If we hit the ball in the woods but pretend we’re on the fairway, every shot will bounce off trees and bring us to our knees.

The undebatable reality is this: You are where you are and no amount of mental spin can put you back where you were. Starting over doesn’t exist in life; starting from where you are does.

The starting point is always here and now. There is no amount of deft logic that can make it any different. If you need more proof that this magical thinking doesn’t work, just look at constant setbacks of anyone who wants to start at the top.

Starting from where you are takes noticing and then action. Here and now begins with facts, not what we want the facts to be. You can’t get the ball rolling until you recognize it’s not.

Where are you?

If you are anywhere but here, you can’t get there from any other version of here.

There is one other truth you can count on besides death and taxes – Mirrors don’t lie. Look at your reflection and describe exactly what you see. That’s precisely where you are. Don’t sugarcoat or embellish; just take precise and accurate measurements. This is noticing.

Real action begins when we notice we can only begin at the beginning. That means to step off from where you are. Just take a step in any direction. You’ll be able to course correct much easier when your feet are on the ground vs. walking in the clouds.

“To thine own self be true” is a piece of wisdom that will ground us when we’re tempted to chase a sky of blue.

The probing question that will start you on a new quest is: Where am I? Any answer, other than here and now, is a lie.

Reality is always moving forward and will leave you in the dust if you stop and smell the artificial roses.

You will measurably reverse your luck when you recognize that reality doesn’t go in reverse.

All the best,

John

And now a trip back through time to a Throwback Thursday message from years ago from my pal The Grasshopper:

“Ask God For Directions, Not A Completed Mission.”

Whomever you ask things of – a deity, your intellect or your creative self – ask for the tools rather than the shed. They will prove more useful for the trip ahead.

We’ve all read stories of musicians, actors, sports figures and lottery winners blowing through fortunes spent on the times of their lives rather than lasting them a lifetime. They lacked the basic tools for managing their wealth. They got the moon before they knew how to build a rocket ship.

It seems that we keep asking for what we want with a bow attached, not realizing that we have the gifts (tools) to wrap our own presents.

Internal resources are our most precious and natural gifts.
I proffer that our culture has conditioned us to be lazy – to look outside ourselves for the Holy Grail. “It’s somewhere out there” is the external message we keep hearing and it keeps us looking for completed projects rather than working a plan.

You may get the spark for an idea that would have a huge impact on your life and then spend your quiet time praying for that completed mission. Your times of contemplation would be better spent asking for the tools for completion.

Ask your internal resources for the tools and a plan.

The answer to your prayer may look more like a blueprint than it does blue sky. Then it’s necessary to assemble the proper tools. The most important thing is to use them. I feel as though I’m channeling my late, sainted mother in this next sentence: “Your great idea will never come to pass until you decide to get off your ass.”

A great idea will remain an idea until you execute a plan.

Potter’s Field is filled with people who prayed for things with no strings. Their lives became a waiting game.

What are you waiting for?

The next time you pray ask for the tools to mold clay.

All the best,

John

There’s an old saying: “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.”

It seems most reasonable people would agree with the logic of that adage but many of us don’t wholly follow that wisdom.

We make exceptions for certain eye gouging. “After this one, I’ll be done. This person deserves it.” But we keep finding the exception rather than following the rule and blind ourselves to the teaching for a lifetime.

It’s like making the argument for more prisons or more nuclear power plants and following it with the exception “but not in my back yard.” You really don’t want to do your part.

We all have a part in curing the world’s myopia. It starts by eliminating the exceptions. Cleaning up our own little exceptional world is where to begin.

It’s like the famous hymn says, “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.”

We can’t reach the goal by continually granting exceptions. Each exception pushes the finish line farther away until we reach a point that we can no longer see it.

If we only give lip service to “love thy neighbor,” we have talked ourselves into being blind for a lifetime.

Stop making exceptions (excuses) for scratching someone’s eyes out and start to see the world through the prism of “you and me.” It’s a common path that will let us all see.

All the best,

John

Do you know someone who is forever telling you the way it is? Perhaps it’s you. In the past, I know it’s been me.

What I’ve come to realize is that “the way it is” is “the way it was.”

That sounds a bit cryptic to me so let me delve deeper.

“The way it is” is too often an opinion – one we’ve inherited from someone who came before us. So the way it was when we learned that opinion is still the way it is now. It will remain that way unless we notice and take steps to outgrow it.

To quote any Law & Order episode, we’re “stating facts not in evidence.”

Our opinions have become facts to us and we assert them and they act as spears towards others who have different opinions.

Seems to me that we could make some room for “the way it could be.” That would stop us from arguing facts that aren’t facts and seek workable possibilities that don’t currently exist.

When you have two “that’s the way it is” folks interacting with each other, you have a call-in talk show – an assertion filled platform that’s designed for fighting for what was instead of what could be.

We can recreate our past or we can design our future. Keeping our past alive is easy. Just keep asserting “the way it is.”

But if you want to go someplace different, other than the familiar battlefield, begin to focus your energy on the way it could be. You just may discover some evidence for a brighter future.

All the best,

John

I’m no relationships expert – far from it, but I can tell you with assurance that one of the telltale signs of a relationship heading south is the absence of laughter.

“He/She stopped making me laugh” is a harbinger of adios.

If they never made you laugh in the first place, it probably wasn’t a great relationship to begin with.

Laughter in this context is not expecting a Seinfeld routine but, more so, someone knowing where your funny button is and how to naturally push it.

If that action has ceased, your relationship is close to deceased.

Like many things in life, this sign is easier to spot in hindsight. The key is to notice it at the onset.

How do you do that? First, ask yourself the last time you laughed with your partner. If the answer is “just this morning,” you needn’t go to Step 2.

If your answer is “I can’t remember the last time” or “It’s been a while,” Step 2 is to arrange a sit down and explore what’s going on.

Sadly, you may discover that it’s too late to work on it OR you may find the missing piece that causes each other’s lips to turn up at the corners with just a hint of of a smile.

I have a saying I use about business: “Businesses don’t run themselves.” Neither do relationships. They need attention and they need some daily work.

My amateur opinion is this: If laughter has gone out of your relationship, you don’t have one. If you can’t make each other smile, you’re in relationship denial.

It may be time to get out of your head and start paying attention to your partner’s needs – one of which comes from the old adage; “Laughter is the best medicine.”

All the best,

John

I got this phrase from The Grasshopper yesterday: “A loose end trying to tie a knot.”

It seems it highlights a part of us that doesn’t complete things. I believe that includes most of us, but some of us are world-class at starting quick and fading fast.

You have to admire the upfront passion these humans exude, but scratch your head at how quickly their flame disappears. It’s as though they’re a sparkler.

I will admit that this is a mini rant. I have a phrase that I made up that’s not very complimentary toward this kind of behavior. I say, “He/She’s a walking loose end.”

The little I know about the personality typing system known as the Enneagram, these folks seem to be a stagnant Type 7. They get hot and bothered and then don’t bother.

I’m amused and OK with this behavior when I don’t have to do business with these folks. Socially, they bring a lot to the fun, superficial side of life. But when it gets down to the “nitty-gritty,” it’s a pity.

Here’s a conversation I have with every person I hire to do a job for me: “You don’t have to over deliver; you just have to do what you say you will do.” When I hear hyperbole, I want to throw pies.

My rant is over and I don’t think it will change anything by expressing it but it might get you curious about this: to compete, you have to complete. Otherwise, you’re wearing a disguise that delivers more lows than highs.

All the best,

John

I posted the following on Facebook on Father’s Day:

“My personal belief is that the second half of life is about dropping the labels we ascribe to ourselves, one-by-one, to discover the unlabeled core of who we are. I’m not confident I’ll be able to voluntarily let go of the label ‘Dad.'”

It got me curious about labels that stick longer than others. I’ve known for a long time that I’ve bought in lock, stock and barrel to the “Dad” label. As much as I like it, it does keep me one more step away from full discovery of the unvarnished me.

This curiosity causes me to ask: “What labels are you holding on to?”

Those labels will give you some insight into your values, preferences, prejudices and judgements.

Just because we hold on to a label doesn’t make it a “good” thing. It’s just a label (illusion) that we’ve bought into that has no comparable value when compared to what I have labeled our “core.”

Labels are like meaning: they eventually all disappear. Let’s pretend that you think having a lot of money means something. It means nothing when you’re moments from death. Not even the world’s richest or poorest person is thinking about money at that time. No dying person is saying, “I should have stayed at the office an extra hour each night so that I could have made more money.” The meaning is all gone at that point and so are the labels.

The good news is we don’t have to wait until we’re breaths from death to peel off our labels. Many of the labels we carry about really get in the way of us enjoying and experiencing life more fully now. When’s the last time you danced when no one was looking? Perhaps you have a rule (label) that proper people don’t dance about in public or private. There’s lots of meaning attached to that rule (label).

What if you decided to just start dancing? Two things would happen:

1. You’d experience the indescribable movement of your life force.

2. The label of “dance avoider” would disappear along with its meaning.

This is an invitation to look at your labels and start noticing how many of them are interfering with your ability to experience life more fully. I think you’ll find life more appealing when you start peeling.

Let’s dance!

All the best,

John

Underside of a Japanese Maple Leaf

I got this piece of advice from a photographer: When you are scoping out a scene and it’s just not looking good enough to photograph, turn around and look the other way and chances are you’ll discover something quite worthwhile.

Seems this piece of input goes well past photography. How often do we mistakenly judge a book by its cover?

That’s the time to take a breath, exhale slowly and look in another direction. My experience is you will find something there that dismissal will never discover.

There is more to others than your judgements about them.

I find that I use judgements as a protection mechanism. If I’ve had a lousy experience with someone and come in contact with another who seems to have the same qualities as that person, I look past them. I miss a lot by doing that.

When I explore people past my prejudice, I often find that there is a lot more there. Connections are made when we push past our judgements.
Reminds me of a story I’ve told before . . .

I used to go to this dry cleaner because they did a wonderful job of pressing shirts – the best I had ever experienced. But my experience there was not pleasant. There was this irascible woman behind the counter who could turn “up” into “down” in an eye blink. I always left with well pressed shirts but with wrinkly feelings.

Then one day I had it with her snarly attitude and was about to give it to her with both barrels. Just as I was about to explode, this question came out instead: “You seem to be so unhappy.” That’s all it took. This woman burst into tears and told me the story of her and her brother. They were put in separate orphanages as children. They found each other years later and developed an extremely close bond. He was now dying of cancer and that inseparable bond was about to be broken. This hardened woman softened before my eyes and I got a hug along with my shirts that day. Every visit thereafter was with the person I took another look at.

When you feel an instant judgement come up, “look around.” You will make connections that heretofore went straight to the “Lost and Found.”

All the best,

John

Here’s a Throwback Thursday quote from The Grasshopper from many Thursdays ago:

“Good, Better, Best” Are Words That Cause Unrest – Grasshopper

Who was the best boxer, ice skater, swimmer, artist, singer, actor, guitarist, photographer, philosopher . . . ? Who’s better at (fill in the blank)? What’s a good place to go to eat? All of these questions have multiple answers and they often provide fuel for countless fires.

“Good, Better, Best” can start discussions that often end up as arguments. That’s because they elicit opinions, and opinions are often considered facts by the people offering them.

Just monitor your own conversations and notice how often you offer a “Good, Better, Best” opinion and then notice how the conversation becomes a competition.

There is a workaround. Eliminate “Good, Better, Best” from your questions and responses and replace them with preferences and report on your personal experience.

“The ribs I enjoyed the most were from a place called JR’s in Baton Rouge, Louisiana” is less likely to start a fire than “The absolute best ribs are from JR’s in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.”

Can you see the difference?

When you report on your experience without “Good, Better, Best” you are less likely to stir up unrest.

If you really want someone’s opinion, there is no problem with a “Good, Better, Best” question. But it’s a useful practice to notice how often “Good, Better, Best” leads you down a path of escalation.

I think this is a good way to lead your life for better results and the best possible outcomes. “Them is fightin’ words.”

All the best,

John

Here’s a Throwback Thursday Jukebox selection from The Grasshopper:

“Turning Up The Volume Reduces Our Ability To Listen.” – Grasshopper

Increasing the volume may work with music, but with human thought it only produces distortion.

There are musical nuances we may miss at lower volumes, but the delivery of cacophony into our mind is in direct proportion to how much we crank up our internal volume.

The louder the volume, the less of an opportunity there is to hear anything but our own thoughts. We become incapable of listening. It’s time for an agreement.

Make an agreement with your mind that when you are only hearing your own thoughts that you turn down the volume. Install a triggering mechanism into your mind that notices when your mind is totally occupied with your own thoughts. Just the fact that you notice, automatically turns down the volume. Reminds me of a story . . .

My late teacher Dr. Dave Dobson introduced us to the concept of “Bad Hypnosis” – Something I’m threatening to write a book on. Bad hypnosis is something we are exposed to every day. If we don’t notice it as being such, we will reinforce the unproductive suggestions being offered.

These suggestions start in childhood and continue throughout our life if they go unchecked. For example, take the proverbial “Money doesn’t grow on trees” maxim as one of your early experiences with bad hypnosis. Every time it gets reinforced, you experience a mindset of lack.

What Dave had us do was take a nice deep breath, exhale slowly and close our eyes. He then suggested as we were in this less stimulated frame of mind to ask the part of our mind that recognizes bad hypnosis to alert us every time we experience it. The exercise took less than a minute and 22 years later I see and hear bad hypnosis everywhere.

The agreement I’m requesting that you make is to ask the part of you that notices full volume to automatically turn it down. After requesting this a few times, something magical begins to happen. You start to notice the process happening on its own without any conscious request on your part. It becomes an automatic response.

When the volume of your internal dialogue is lowered, you have the ability to hear something besides your own thoughts. It’s this ability to hear something new that has us dance off in new directions rather than retracing our steps again.

Take the time to make an agreement with your mind to notice and turn down the noise. It only takes a minute of quiet time and with a little practice, what you hear will be music to your ears.

All the best,

John