Here’s a musing The Grasshopper dropped on my doorstep a few years back:

“The One Thing To Know For Sure Is That Nothing Is A Sure Thing.”

We all get into “set and forget” mode with many things. It’s useful that we don’t have to figure out how to turn a doorknob each time we encounter one; it’s less than useful to be certain about something that can’t be known for sure.

You’ve heard of an “elevator” speech – a succinct presentation of the main point you want to make, but you may be unaware that your “soapbox” speech is fraught with uncertainty. That means what you fervently believe and espouse is too often covered over by “pies” made by cows.

What you are sure about, too often, has you discount information that points in an opposite direction. That means an opposing view is met with confrontation rather than invitation.

Your enemies will teach you more about your faux surety than your friends. Birds of a feather will circle the wagons in the darkness of night and reassure each other that they are “right,” causing you to stand your ground and fight. Opposing viewpoints will let in some light, if you let them in.

That doesn’t mean you have to adopt them; just consider them without your current viewpoint being clad in armor.

Surety is a defensive position. Think of the energy wasted by constantly being on the defensive. There is nothing productive that comes from defending that which we can’t know for certain, only smugness that prevents us from finding a cure for sure.

You won’t find this on a bumper sticker but being less sure presents you with more options, which increase your flexibility. “Bend but don’t break” gives you more options than “let them eat cake.”

Begin putting a question mark next to the things you know for sure and you’ll open yourself up to useful options that used to be buried by your manure.

All the best,

John

Here’s a “Throwback Thursday” question from the archives:

Calendar: Timer Or Planner?

How do you use a calendar? It makes all the difference in your quality of life.

The calendar is a metaphor for how you use the concept of time in your life. If you are on death row, you may be counting the days until your final breath. If you’re planning a wedding, you may be scheduling the events that have to take place between now and then to make it a memorable day.

Reminds me of a story . . . when I was in the military, I had about 2 ½ years left on my tour of duty when I made a short timer’s calendar. It was a series of days and weeks left until my discharge. Each day, I would scratch off another day. Most service personnel only make these types of calendars when they have a much shorter time until discharge – like 90 to 120 days. Not me.

My calendar served as a reminder of how many days I had until my deeply desired discharge date. It got me focused on time more so than planning, and had me constantly miss the moment I was in. Do you know the expression, “time flies when you’re having fun”? Well, time wasn’t flying.

The pattern continued even after discharge where I would start counting the days until vacation or the holidays. That should have signaled to me that I wasn’t very happy in the moment, but was looking to future moments to be happy.

Waiting for a moment negates the moment you are in. The moment you are in is the building block for your next moment. If you are ignoring it, you are not building a future, only recreating a past.

If you are living for the day when you can finally (fill in the blank), you are not living, only existing. And when the waited for moment actually does arrive, it’s anticlimactic because your “look to the future for solace” mindset is still in place, preventing you from enjoying even your desired moment.

Here’s a suggestion: If you’re a “waiter,” start using the moments you are waiting to plan and execute something in the future, now. This will give you something to do in the moments between now and then, rather than waiting for the “magic” day. Your moments will become more purposeful and more enjoyable.

Rather than counting the moments between now and then, build towards something that will fill your in-between moments with life, rather than waiting for life to happen.

Put away your stopwatch and you’ll stop watching time pass you by. Immerse yourself in the moment and you’ll be too busy to notice the passage of time, which makes waiting a thing of the past.

All the best,

John

Here’s a blog post I wrote a couple of years ago that seems just as relevant today. It’s titled “I’m Gonna.”

If there are two bigger resolution killing words than “I’m gonna,” I haven’t heard them yet.

The boulevard of broken promises begins with “I’m gonna.”

Reflect for a moment on past failures that began with these two words.

“I’m gonna be a millionaire by the time I’m 40.”

“I’m gonna go to the gym 5 times a week.”

“I’m gonna lose 30 pounds by Christmas.”

Don’t tell yourself or anyone else what you’re “gonna” do; tell them what you’re doing.

“Doing” is active and in the present; “gonna” is future based and promised to no one.

Any list of resolutions are wishes until actions take place. Action can only take place in the moment you are in.

Just a subtle shift in language from “gonna” to “doing” gives you a much better chance of fulfilling your wish.

Side Note: If you’ve added a start date to your “I’m gonna,” it’s doubly insured to fail.

“I’m going to start my diet on Monday” is a red flag that predicts a lot of bull will follow. Here’s a clue: If it’s not important enough to start now, it’s not important.

Please don’t tell yourself or anyone else what you’re going to do. Demonstrate what you’re doing. It’s a much more accurate predictor of success.

I was gonna write this blog post on New Years day but I didn’t.

All the best,

John

This is a “Flashback Friday” musing from The Grasshopper.

“Loose Ends Are The Weakest Links.”

The old axiom is: “You are only as strong as your weakest link.” If you are having trouble finding that link, look no further than something you’ve neglected to tie up.

I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m “negative.” I used to quibble about that characterization until I discovered that it was, for the most part, accurate. The discovery was finding out what I was negative about – loose ends.

Before I made that discovery, I made this one. I am not the person you want in on a brainstorming session. Brainstorming is a free exchange of ideas without judgement. It’s basically “Improv.” You probably wouldn’t get to the funny punch line or the workable idea if I were in the room poking holes in your musings.

I found that my skill set was more useful in taking the “finished idea” and finding and helping to fix the flaws.

Long before I had a career in people helping, I noticed that I was proficient in finding flaws. I’m sure it’s a trait I was conditioned into. My dad was a builder and he would often comment on what wasn’t working as we would pass a construction site. “They don’t see that, John?” he would incredulously ask. My mother was a waitress since she was 14 and had this uncanny skill of spotting “spots” on peoples’ personalities. One day I went to work with her and remember her saying, “See that guy over there, he’s bad news.” She said that after seeing him for the first time and never interacting with him. He was arrested for arson months later.

So, I am cursed/blessed with finding flaws. I see them everywhere and in everyone, but not usually in myself. I’m not as quick on the uptake when it comes to me. I don’t think I’m alone amongst fellow flaw finders in lacking that insight.

But enough about my flaws; let’s talk about my discovery – Loose ends being the weakest link.

Spotting the flaw is easy for me; finding the loose end that leads to the flaw takes a bit more work. Again, I will quote my old neighbor Ed who was a pilot and air traffic controller. He said that 99% of aircraft accidents were due to pilot error. “No need to check the reserve tank, I filled that up last week.” But when you are 1500 feet in the air and switch to the reserve tank and it’s empty, that’s when you learn the deadly lesson of not having a checklist.

It’s amazing to me the things that go awry when we don’t check. Years ago the Grasshopper said, “People spend more time planning their vacation than they do planning their life.” Yes, most plans change due to unforeseen circumstances, but more would go according to “Hoyle“ if we tied up loose ends.

“Oh, I’m a free spirit, I take life as it comes.” That’s a noble declaration until you find yourself buried neck deep in your own bullshit. Find out what you willfully leave unchecked and you will find your loose end.

Tying up loose ends makes life less flawed. Leaving them out there insures that they will trip you up.

Let me tie up my observation with this: You don’t need to focus on your flaws; that will just indicate how imperfect you are. Instead, look to tie up the loose ends that will prevent flaws from happening. They are easy to spot, especially if you make a checklist.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper had a New Year’s Nugget:

“A goal without a deadline is pie in the sky.”

Aside from resolutions, the new year is the setting where many set goals – ones that are rarely reached.

The missing piece is often the lack of a deadline.

My experience is there is nothing like a deadline to light a fire under a cold derrière.

Think of the person who has a hard time waking up and getting out of bed every morning. They oversleep more often than a hibernating bear and they put the grog in groggy.

Observe that same person the morning they have to catch an early plane taking them to their favorite vacation location. Bright eyed and bushy tailed they spring out of bed without having to be cajoled or hit over the head.

The plane is leaving whether you’re on time or not. That’s a deadline.

The difficulty with not having a deadline is that you get lulled into a false sense of having “plenty of time.” You’re not likely to notice the time frittering away until you smack into that last minute wall.

Here’s a resolution worth making: If you set a goal, set a deadline. You’re more likely to get there without having to set fire to your hair.

All the best,

John

Are you a prisoner of change? If so, carefully read the words of The Grasshopper from just a couple of years ago.

“People Are Who They Are, Not Who We Want Them to Be.”

How much time have you wasted wanting someone to be who they aren’t?

In the spirit of full disclosure, one expression that I bristle to almost every time is: “That’s just the way I am.” That’s just not accurate. That’s just the way you have been conditioned.

So the way people are is a result of their conditioning and wanting them to be different will take a whole lot of time and effort. It’s worth that investment if the people you’d like to recondition are your growing children, but once they become, as my mother used to say, “big and ugly,” the odds for success are diminished greatly.

In the case of changing adults, I’m reminded of an old joke. “You can lead a horse to water but keep in mind what a wet horse smells like.”

If you want to smell like barn animals all the time, keep trying to change people, especially the ones who don’t want to change.

How many heartfelt conversations have you had with the family drunk? Do you think the next one is going to work any better?

“I just can’t accept their behavior.” That’s fine, but you’ll have to accept this: You will not change them. The desire to change will have to come from them.

No one is going to change you but you. Someone or something may open your eyes to a new way but it’s you that has to do the work. I believe that every therapy session would work better if they all began like this: “After we do all our work together, it’s still your problem to solve.”

Prison doesn’t change a criminal; otherwise we wouldn’t have such a high recidivism rate. The changed prisoner is one who discovered that his way wasn’t working and decided to change his ways.

The underlying, crumbling foundation of our penchant to change others is this: “If they were more like me, they would be better off.” No, they’d just be more like you. To be more of who they can be will have to be something they decide on their own.

If you’re looking for a hobby that takes up all your free time and doesn’t deliver any rewards, try changing people. If, on the other hand, you’d like to have a lot more success, work on changing yourself.

All the best,

John

Some years ago The Grasshopper asked a probing question:

“What’s The One Thing That Changed Your Life For The Better?”

It’s out of character for “His Hopper-ness” to ask a question but this one is so worthy of reflection.

What is the one thing? Was it an event? Something you saw? Something someone said to you? Something you read? Or even a scene from a movie.

What is it that got you moving in a different direction than you were heading? You may have several examples but my request is to distill them down to one major turning point.

It’s not like you were searching for this answer but POW there it was in an instant and dead center in the bull’s-eye.

I have several that instantly opened my eyes to new directions, some from my career in radio and some from authors and workshop leaders. For example, I interviewed for a radio job in the late 70s and the program director, after listening to my audition tape, asked if I was attempting to imitate a popular broadcaster of the time. I replied, “Yes.” His words that changed my direction were short and to the point. He said, “As hard as you try, you’ll never be him. But as hard as he tries, he’ll never be you.” From that moment forward, I found and developed my own style.

But if I had to boil it down to the one thing that changed my life, it was a question from Jerry Stocking just a few years ago. I was attending a 5-day workshop he was conducting and I can’t remember what I said, but what he said back to me I’ll never forget. He asked, “What is your purpose in speaking?”

In an instant, it became apparent to me the amount of purposeless speaking that permeated my life. Up until that point, opening my mouth and letting words fall out without purpose was the norm rather than the exception for me. In a moment, it became crystal clear how much can be left unsaid, leaving what is said more purposeful.

I encourage you to find your own examples and your “one thing.” It’s valuable to reflect on it from time to time to remind yourself that there is always something or someone serendipitously waiting to assist you to move in a new direction. This reflection may just open your eyes and ears to the next “one thing.”

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper dug into his old stand-up act and came up with this:

“Vibrant Life Requires Improv.”

Want to improve your life? Apply improv.

The common reaction that we have to real life (Reality) gets us the same thing we got before – a stale, stuck-in-the-mud existence.

Vibrant life requires learning a lesson from the theatrical practice called improv.

The basic premise of improv is that you take what is offered to you and run with it. Improv takes you in a new direction – one that may never be arrived at if you dig in and rail against the offering. The vibrancy of life comes to a screeching halt when you refuse what it offered to you.

“A Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar” is what the improvisational comedian is offered. He/She doesn’t respond, “No, they shouldn’t go into a bar”; they offer the next sequence of events – something that advances the story forward. Vibrancy requires forward movement.

The minute you refuse what life has offered you, you are stuck in a stale routine. Notice I didn’t say that you have to like what reality has offered, but for vibrant life to return, it’s necessary to take what reality has dropped in your lap and offer a forward response.

It seems obvious to say that moving backwards delays any forward movement, but that’s exactly the direction we head when we violate the rules of improv.

We have become experts in justifying our staleness. That practice won’t deliver any laughs, only the sad reality that the joke’s on us if we refuse to move forward.

This observation is not meant to trivialize or deny what has happened to you; it’s to shine a light on the only way forward – Improv.

You will stay right where you are, perhaps drowning your sorrows with the Rabbi and Priest, until you find life’s vibrant salvation – Improv.

All the best,

John

Dear Santa,

It’s me again, Little Johnny (LJ).

I’m not too sure what to ask for this year, so surprise me.

Some of my items seem to be too much for you to fulfill, so if you want to farm them out, I understand.

Can you call the NFL TV stations and beg their announcers to stop pronouncing “Route” as “Rout”?

While you’re at it could you train all TV broadcasters to pronounce the word “Forward” correctly? Too many of them say “Foe-ward” and hearing that is worse than getting coal in my stocking.

Finally, as you know, I live in Rhode Island (Little Rhody). I’m imploring you to put something in the water that has local people stop calling road tar “Ash-fault.”

Again, I’m not sure these requests are in your area of purview, but any assistance would be most appreciated.

All the best to you and the Missus,

LJ

P.S. Low fat milk and gluten free cookies are the rage this year. Hope you enjoy them.

Here’s a Grasshopper reminder from Christmas past:

“Unintended Consequences Are Still Consequences.”

“I didn’t mean for that to happen” doesn’t remove the consequence. It may mitigate it in our mind but it won’t make it disappear.

Our actions don’t give us a free pass. We will have to pay the piper sooner or later; no one escapes. I’m reminded of the lyrics of an old Smokey Robinson song called “Everybody’s Got to Pay Some Dues.”

“I’ve got to pay, he’s got to pay, you’ve got to pay it, she’s got to pay. No matter what you do or say, there is gonna’ come a day when you’re gonna’ have to pay. Can’t nobody get away from dues . . .”

Have you ever offered someone an apology or asked for forgiveness? They may accept your apology or find their way to forgiveness but consequences will still be looking for a payment, kinda’ like a loan shark on steroids.

“I shouldn’t have to pay” is a fairy tale we have all bought into at some level, but this one doesn’t have a sugarplum ending.

What actions are you pretending you won’t have to pay for? It’s worth a moment of reflection.

Reminds me of a story . . .

Many years ago my mother was sharing a hospital room with a woman who was scheduled for surgery the next morning. This was a time when smoking was still permitted in hospitals. This woman was puffing away in the next bed and justifying it by saying things like, “We all gotta’ go sometime.” I was there the next morning as they came for her. She was crying and holding on to her rosary beads with a death grip. Her prayers may have calmed her mind but they didn’t save her lung.

It’s not like we haven’t been issued warnings for our actions. We just tend to ignore them when we’re under the delusion that we can get away without paying.

A focusing question like this often opens the door to taking new actions: If you continue on your current path, will things get better or worse?

The question calls for a reality based assessment. Common sense comes out from hiding when we consider the question. We literally put ourselves at a choice point.

You can then clearly see the accident everyone else knows will happen if you continue on your current path.

Taking action or not is greatly influenced by how strongly you have bought into the myth that you can skip out on the check.

Will things get better or worse? It depends on whether you choose to heed or ignore the age-old question: Truth or Consequences?

All the best,

John