Upon awakening this morning, it occurred to me where the concept of being haunted came from – Dreaming.

I don’t believe in being haunted in the everyday definition of the term because I’ve never seen evidence of it; I have only heard stories.

I have had haunting dreams though.

I’m imagining back on primitive civilizations, sitting around the campfire where one person tells a story of being haunted. Others, who also had that strange experience (dream), began to tell their story. Not long after this gathering, the concept of being haunted became a reality and took on a life of its own.

I can’t prove or disprove haunting, but I can validate dreaming.

My sense is that most dreams are nonsense. They seem to be a piecing together of a collection of unconscious, unassociated impressions that we’ve taken in during the course of our day, week, life and they form a mosaic in our mind.

But then there are the dreams that hit closer to home and have some cohesion with something going on in our life. These are the dreams that seem to repeat themselves with slightly different surroundings each time, but the players and the theme are the same.

These are the dreams it makes sense to pay attention to.

My experience is that they highlight an area where we are stuck in life.

You’re not being haunted; you’re getting a glimpse of where you are hemmed in.

It’s not like the dream shows you how to get unstuck, although I’ve had a few of those, but rather it puts a spotlight on where we need work.

I know there are dream books that offer specifics as to what dream content means, but they’re a bit too generic for me – kinda’ like horoscopes. That doesn’t mean that once in a blue, astrological moon that one won’t hit home, but the misses exponentially outweigh the hits.

But the same dream that keeps coming back in a different suit of clothes accents an area of our life that needs attention.

“Unfinished business” is the term that pops into my mind about these dreams.

Are you being haunted by unfinished business or is it just a dream?

Here’s what I know for sure: The dream is coming back as long as the situation remains as it is.

What small step can you take today to put some finishing touches on a haunting situation that needs attention?

All the best,

John

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I, like most people, would rather have friends than foes.

It’s easy enough to tell the difference between the two, in most cases.

You probably spend more time with friends than you do foes, but how well does that serve you?

The Grasshopper was up at the crack of dawn this morning and said this: “A foe will help you grow.”

We can easily see in a competitive sports environment, that an opponent will test your skills. A friend may not.

For example, hearing them reminisce about their storied, basketball careers, arch rivals, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird both underscored the fact that each brought out the best in each other.

It may not be immediately apparent, but habit patterns become our friends. Some of them are wonderful, but many of them keep us marching in place.

I’ve had close to a half million people come to my smoking cessation seminar and the number of smokers who consider cigarettes as their friend would make you gasp. Male smokers keep their cigarettes in their top shirt pocket, next to their heart – a friend, a buddy, a pal.

Women smokers are no different. Regarding cigarettes, many women have actually told me, “They were there for me when he wasn’t.”

With friends like these . . . (you know the rest).

An enemy may be the idea that keeps nagging at you, prodding you, challenging you to do something new.

Ancient Chinese General, Sun-tzu was on to something when he said, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

It may be time to bring your foe in closer. It may be the only thing that’s going to test you. Your friends may accept you and enable you, but your foe has no such agenda. Your foe is like the sand in the oyster shell – annoying, yet gritty enough to make you shine.

The ancient proverb, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend” also encourages us take another look at our foes.

Is there a foe taunting you? Perhaps this time you will listen. You may not like what they have to say, but ignoring them again keeps growth at bay.

All the best,

John

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While photographing my neighbor’s flowers yesterday, I was struck with the notion that one of our missions while we’re here is to stand out.

You weren’t given all the skills you have so that you could blend in. Your mission is to use those skills to stand out.

Just so we’re clear, standing out is not dying your hair purple, getting a tattoo, buying the most expensive car or watch so you can appear different or get noticed. That’s just an indicator that you have a poor self-image.

Standing out is growing what was given to you.

The parable of the talents is one of my favorite bible stories. The abbreviated version has a rich man putting his servants in charge of his resources while he is away. He gives one servant 5 talents, another 2, and the third one, 1. The servant given 5 invests them and turns them into 10. The servant given 2 talents also doubles his seed and turns it into 4. The third servant hid his talent in a hole in the ground.

When the rich man returns, he rewards servants one and two for investing wisely and takes back the 1 talent from the third servant who hid it in the ground and gives it to the servant who made him the most return on his investment. The lesson as scribed by Matthew in 25:13-30 is this:

“For the one who has will be given more, and he will have more than enough. But the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

You’ll grind your teeth if you hide your talents.

What are you hiding from the world?

What is your gift?

What are you sitting on that can enrich you and others?

There is nothing braggadocios about letting what’s inside out. That’s your contribution. Your genie wants to be freed so that it can stand out.

Again, standing out is not about being noticed, although you will be when you free your gifts. Standing out is more about making a natural contribution by using what you got.

As the parable notes, some are given more than others. That in no way relinquishes those who get less from the responsibility of standing out.

Standing out is always a two-way street. By unleashing your talents, you benefit yourself as well as others. When you keep them hidden, everyone goes into a recession. As the old saying goes, “A rising tide lifts all boats.”

“But I don’t have any gifts” is a statement that reports more on your self-image than it does on your reservoir of gifts. Everyone is good at something. We just may not put a high value on that something. Ask yourself, “What do I do better than most?” It’s not an ego aggrandizing question; it’s an assessment.

The next question is: “How can I use that talent to better serve myself and others?”

There is an answer. You just need to ask the questions and pay attention to what comes back.

If you’re not already standing out, there’s still time but the clock is ticking. The longer you wait determines whether you’ll fish or cut bait.

The time to begin is always NOW.

What are you hiding from the world? It needs to stand out.

All the best,

John

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Happiness does not exist. You can stop buying maps looking for this mythical place.

Happiness as a noun or a location is a fairy tale – one we continue to believe in and get disappointed when we can’t find it.

Looking for happiness is like looking for infinity. It’s illusive and it keeps you searching.

There are billions of people on our planet and each of us has a different criterion for happiness, yet we talk about it as though it is a one-size-fits-all, concrete thing.

Happiness is a distinct feeling within you. Your feeling of happiness is unlike any other person’s feeling of happiness. Feelings are as individual as snowflakes – no two people get hit with the same snowball.

Everyone knows a happy feeling when it arrives. It’s to be cherished and enjoyed. If you try and capture it in a jar like a lightning bug, its light will fade more quickly.

There are countless books and methods selling you their brand of happiness. Most of them attempt to tell you how you should feel. Only they can feel that way. Your happiness feels different and can’t be found in a book or a 3-step process. Happiness is not a set of circumstances; it’s a feeling.

This is not to say you cannot lay the framework to feel more happy moments – you can.

It’s a lot easier to feel your version of happiness when you are in a less cluttered frame of mind and are engaged in activities that don’t go against your core values.

Yet, happy feelings are so strong that they can interrupt a cluttered mind and wash over you without warning. I just had one of those unexpected, wonderful feelings moments ago. I walked into my son’s room and there was Snuffy, the black nosed beagle cozily curled up in a blanket on the floor. I felt happiness. It lasted but a moment or two but there was no mistaking the feeling.

Now suppose you’re not a dog lover and I try and sell you on what makes me feel happy, it’s going to be an unhappy moment for both of us.

So rather than chase after someone else’s version of happiness, take time to appreciate your happy sensations when they happen and enjoy the moment for as long as it lasts. Just by taking the time to catalogue and fully feel that feeling, you set up an invitation for it to visit more often.

Basically, you are noticing and feeling more things to be happy about and that sets the stage for more happy feelings to revisit.

How much happiness goes unfelt because you don’t stop and take time to notice and sense the feeling?

You can continue your search for highly advertised, elusive, airbrushed happiness out there somewhere, or you can begin to notice and feel what’s already here and real.

All the best,

John

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Most folks don’t get eulogized until they’re dead. Pity.

One of the exceptions to this practice is being remembered when you are alive. It usually happens in abbreviated form once, twice or maybe three times a year for most – birthdays, holidays, etc.

This remembrance usually comes in the form of greeting cards, or now, electronic wishes, gifts, phone calls, and sometimes, Skype.

As I get older, I wonder why we don’t fully eulogize people while they’re living, at least once. Embarrassment comes to mind, for them or for us.

How did we get so insulated that we can’t bring ourselves to tell people what they mean or meant to us while they are here to appreciate it?

How many people utter the regretful words, “I should have told them while they were living”?

What words or sentiments are you saving for when someone dies? Here’s a novel idea: Let them know before they go.

Reminds me of a story . . . My father was not a hugger for the most part – I am. Somewhere in my 30’s, I took the initiative and began to hug him and give him a kiss the few times a year we saw each other. Although it was his conditioning not to show that kind of affection, he truly enjoyed it and eventually initiated the embrace.

I remember driving to my uncle’s funeral and having a couple of hours of alone time with my Dad. I got to hear many stories about things I never knew about him. They shed a lot of light on some of the behaviors and attitudes I had that were just like my father’s. As I was leaving to drive back home, my Dad walked me out to my car. It was there and then that I decided to tell him what he meant to me.

I told him lots of things that he did for me growing up that I would never forget and ended it with telling him that he was my hero. He dismissed the compliment and then gave me the best hug I ever got from him.

My Dad is gone now but I got to remember him while he was living. It was one of my favorite moments and, I suspect, one of his as well.

Special people come in and out of our lives and we don’t think to fully remember them until they move on or are gone.

I’ll admit, it takes a certain amount of courage to initiate this type of living eulogy but the rewards last a lifetime.

All the best,

John

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Has your life been commandeered by routine?

That’s really a loaded question. What specifically is meant by “routine”?

Here’s my limited definition: Stuff you do that you don’t want to do.

There are many things that most all people do that they don’t want to do. The real question is: Do those things make up most of your routine?

If that’s the case, it’s time for, as the comedians’ say, “a new act.”

I am a big fan of routine (for me). It sets a framework for getting things accomplished. I’m a list person; I keep electronic sticky notes on my computer and regular ones in other places as reminders of things I want or need to do.

The part where it seems as though someone else has taken over my life is when all those sticky notes contain things I don’t want to do. That’s when the uprising begins. It seems as though part of me goes on a sit-down strike. I don’t do anything.

I want to do things but become temporarily paralyzed by the daunting list of things to do. I don’t believe I’m alone.

The good news is I have found a remedy to keep this from happening.

If you’re anything like me, your list, written down or not, contains tasks. Where is it written that the only thing you can write down is a task?

How many people put “take a warm bath” or “take a nap” on their list? No, the list is filled with chores.

When you are listing the things that you want to accomplish, make sure to include things that are pleasurable and assign them a high priority.

I’m a tea drinker. One of the things on my list is take a break and enjoy a cup of tea. If it’s nice outdoors, I’ll brew a cup and take the time to sit out in the fresh air and enjoy it. When I worked for others, I would routinely go sit outdoors for about 15 minutes and breathe in the fresh air. It was a coffee break without coffee. It was pleasurable and cleared my head for other things I wanted to accomplish.

Too many keep these practices as rewards when they are all done their tasks. I’m suggesting that it take on the same importance as “clean the bathroom” or “get this proposal to so and so.” Make pleasure a planned part of your routine.

It’s a tiny shift in focus but can really pay dividends in helping you move through your list. It will make your day anything but routine.

All the best,

John

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Here is a disease everyone suffers from. I am normally hesitant to write “everyone,” but in this case it truly applies.

The disease is called I.Y.H. That’s an acronym for “In Your Head.”

How much time do we spend inside our head chatting up a storm that no one can hear and is of no consequence? This inside meeting of the mind diverts us from what’s really happening as we churn out our edited, biased, reinterpreted version of reality.

The only consolation we can take in having this malady is that everyone else does too.

But I want to warn you of a more insidious disease that I found out about some 20 years ago. It’s called R.C.V.

R.C.V. is an ill that the late Dr. Dave Dobson discovered. It stands for “Rectal Canal Vision.”

R.C.V. is very similar to I.Y.H. with this one major distinction: Your head is up your ass.

The difficulty here is that even if you open your eyes, you’re still in the dark.

The only known treatment for R.C.V. is a major intervention.

Occasionally, it’s divine intervention that brings the cure, but that’s a rare occurrence.

We normally need someone’s help in extracting our head from this dark hole.

You know you suffer from R.C.V. when you deem your way, the only way in most circumstances.

Generally speaking, R.C.V.– ers are located on one of the far fringes of an ideology. It really doesn’t matter which far fringe they are on, they suffer equally, and so does anyone in their sphere that has bought into their insufferable, narrow focus.

People infected with R.C.V. are immune to the facts, so logic is not an extraction tool.

Shunning them drives them deeper into their hole to churn out more insane rhetoric. (Think the “Unabomber.”)

The problem today is that you don’t have to crank out your manifesto on an old typewriter; you now have the internet. All you need is a computer or a smart phone to attract a following of the dumbest people – people incapable of separating the wheat from the bullshit.

So what do we do to help those with Rectal Canal Vision? I’m reminded of the biblical phrase, “You will always have the poor among you . . .” Chances are, most of these people will die with this disease, but some can be saved.

Now this is only a guess, but I believe the cure is attention. It’s my experience that people with R.C.V. just don’t get enough attention. I’m not talking about attention to their convoluted message, but plain old attention to them as a human being. Put them in your presence and pay attention to them past their ideology.

It’s this giving of attention that brings light to their narrow living space and shines a light outward to a broader view. This isn’t talking them down; that never works. It’s giving them the time of day that helps them come out and play.

It’s not easy, but it is helpful. People are starved for attention. We can all do our part by giving attention to those we normally shun. It accomplishes two things at once. It briefly gets us out of our head with our preconceived notion of who they are; and it just may get their head out of their ass.

All the best,

John

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Anytime you say something is something, you are tacitly implying the words “to me” on the end.

For example, if I say something is interesting, I am suggesting that it’s interesting to me. It’s not a universal fact, just an opinion.

Such is the case with “Important.”

Yesterday I witnessed something important (to me).

I watched the final round of The Masters Golf Tournament. Phil Mickelson won. Phil is one of the greatest golfers on the planet and I’ve never been a big fan – not of his game, but of him as a person. It was hard to put into words, but he rubbed me the wrong way, until yesterday.

His wife, Amy has been undergoing treatment for breast cancer since last summer. Her face was a staple out on tour as was their beautiful family, but we hadn’t seen them recently due to her illness. Yesterday, she came out for the final round. She had been in bed all week but mustered the strength to come out on Sunday to watch her husband compete.

After Phil put in the final putt and sealed the victory, he briefly exalted, hugged his caddy, shook hands with his playing partner and headed off the course to sign his score card. It’s there that he saw his wife and leaned down and hugged and kissed her. It was one of those embraces where neither one wanted to let go. It was a powerful, emotional moment caught on camera.

He had just won one of the most prestigious tournaments in golf but he spent his glory moment demonstrating what was important (to him).

This display also highlighted a major contrast between arch rivals Phil Mickelson & Tiger Woods off the course. Tiger, with his recent behavior, didn’t know what was important. He’s now in the process of finding out what Phil knows.

It is hoped that Tiger can find what’s important and get his personal life in perspective.

The bigger issue is: “What’s important to you?”

Is it a series of cultural conquests or a deeper sense of connection?

This is important: You can’t buy what was displayed yesterday by Phil Mickelson and his wife.

Do yourself a favor today. Take 5 minutes and explore what’s important to you. It just may be the revelation that helps you change course.

All the best,

John

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What if your assessment is dead on, yet uninvited? What to do?

Mind your own business comes to mind. Too bad that doesn’t come to mind quickly enough.

I can speak with authority about this topic because, in the past, I’ve been a major offender. I’m not in a 12 step program but I have seen the error of my ways.

I have been blessed and cursed with people insight. My best and worst quality is the same – I spot character flaws in others.

The sticky wicket is that I, quite often, fail to see them in myself.

Sometimes, I feel like Temperance Brennan, the lead character in the TV show “Bones.” She offers fact based assessments without any regard to how they will play emotionally to those listening. The thinking seems to be, “It’s a fact and it needs to be out there.”

No it doesn’t, especially when it’s uninvited. Reminds me of a story . . .

My mentor, Dr. Dave Dobson taught something called “Other Than Conscious Communication.” For lack of a better description, it was sophisticated, two-way body language where you could communicate with another outside of their awareness and get useful feedback.

When Dave was working with someone he would ask, “Would it be OK if I pointed something out to you?” 9 times out of 10 the person would say “Yes,” consciously. Yet if you paid careful attention you would often notice that they were saying “No,” other than consciously. Dave would always give deference to the “other than conscious” response because it was unfiltered and unedited and genuinely more reliable. He would then say something like, “Well maybe another time.”

He knew his observation was uninvited and would meet with a boatload of resistance.

We don’t need Dave’s high level of sensory acuity to benefit by his practice. We can just adopt this mindset: Keep our observations to ourselves, unless asked.

This doesn’t apply to an opinion exchange that greases the conversation wheel everywhere. This is more about personal observations. If it is uninvited, keep a lid on it.

The only purpose you serve at that point is being right, again. You’ve done no service to the person you’ve observed and “outed,” other than to have them be pissed at you and resist the benefit of your “sage” wisdom.

Here’s one way it comes across: “I know something that you don’t know and aren’t I special?” Another interpretation is: “I’m better than you and you should take care of this flaw to have any chance of measuring up.”

You may mean well but that’s not how it’s received. The person oftentimes does have the flaw you observe, but it will hang around much longer if you can’t help yourself and point it out, uninvited.

Parents when they are bringing up their children do this all the time. Uninvited opinion may be a necessary intervention while your child is still growing into an adult; after that, it’s counterproductive. If they didn’t get it while under your roof, they’re probably not going to get it in this lifetime, especially when it’s uninvited.

Bottom line: You’ll be welcome more often when you recognize the rationale that keeps you uninvited.

All the best,

John

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The voice that generally speaks inside your head is not that of intuition. That internal voice comes from the conditioned you – ego – for lack of a better name.

When it comes to telling ego and intuition apart, it’s especially helpful to pay attention to the choice of language.

The language of the conditioned you will be critical – intuition is unconditioned and lacks disparagement.

The conditioned you will never miss an opportunity to beat you up; intuition never throws a punch, although it may hit you like a ton of bricks.

Intuition doesn’t contain debate. You may debate a piece of intuition after you receive it, but that’s your ego doing what it does best, engaging you in endless to and fro.

If you are going back and forth with something inside your head, that’s a sure sign your ego is at work. That won’t produce a solution, just more debate. The solution arrives when the debate takes a break, in the language of intuition.

Intuition comes as a whole, not piecemeal.

Intuition contains knowing, not doubt. It never feels as though you are guessing. It leaves the guess work to the ego.

If you are searching for an answer, the answer to pay attention to doesn’t make less of you.

Intuition comes from a quiet place but speaks with tremendous volume. In movie terminology, it’s a scene stealer. For that moment, there is no room for anything else. Intuition owns your screen.

Whether intuition arrives in picture, word or sensing form, you will know it by what it lacks – the need to second guess and the need to make you less.

Catalogue your past incidents of intuition and you will find they arrived in ready to use form – no assembly required.

Your ego is always trying to sell you something; intuition doesn’t have a sales pitch. It sells itself.

So how will you know if it’s ego or intuition? Ego will trumpet its own arrival; intuition arrives as a surprise.

All the best,

John

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