Funerals are sad and tombstones can be sadder.

Here’s an idea for a best-selling book that I’ll never write but I know would sell – “Sad Tombstones.”

Here is just one inscription to get you started – “I Never Lost An Argument.”

It’s a fact that people argue; it’s problematic when it becomes a way of life.

The book, “Ishmael” gave me one of my favorite quotes on the subject: “There is no argument that will end the argument.”

The Grasshopper popped out of my Easter Basket yesterday and left this rhetorical question right next to the marshmallow peeps: “Are you more interested in winning an argument or saving a relationship?”

What do you win when you win an argument?

You cannot fact someone into submission because as someone once said, “You cannot legislate emotions.”

And with all this factual information available, we continue to argue.

Here is a useful observation: Ask yourself this: “How often do I argue?”

The reason it’s useful is in the noticing. If you begin to notice that your life is a series of arguments, you have just discovered the secret to curb that which wins you battles and loses wars.

Noticing your penchant to win the debate gives you just enough of a pause to interrupt the argument and focus rather on how you are relating.

Arguments are surface structures that lack the depth in relating to another.

If you are constantly arguing with someone, your relationship lacks depth and you are deep sixing any chance you have of relating in a fulfilling way.

The upside of arguments is that they can clear the air, but if the air has to be cleaned consistently, start to notice that you’re living in a polluted environment.

If you’re main objective is to argue and win, become a trial lawyer.

Begin to notice how arguing gets in the way of relating and you can write your own epitaph: “My life was filled with peaceful moments.”

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper had an interesting observation this morning. He said, “The only natural deadline is death.”

I got curious about the meaning and this is what I arrived at: All other deadlines are manmade.

Deadlines are created by man, so therefore, by their nature, they are arbitrary.

Now if you took this too literally, you would miss a lot of buses, trains and planes, not to mention the latest episode of “The Biggest Loser.”

The setting of personal deadlines is an everyday occurrence. The question is: “Do we really need so many?”

Deadlines, by their nature, can be focusing agents. Think of April 15^th as an example.

When we self-impose so many personal deadlines, do we scatter our focus? I believe so.

When we scatter our focus, we get watered down results and take out an insurance policy for mediocrity.

Too many deadlines make us like the stereotypical reporter in a movie. We live on coffee and doughnuts, are constantly stressed, and all our deadlines take on the weight of The Sword of Damocles.

We fail to prioritize our deadlines and they sit there as one big threat to our personal time and well being.

As a society, we are overscheduled and over-deadlined.

What’s missing is scheduling time for us.

Deadlines will not go away, but more of them can be met if we would just take a moment to breathe. And by breathe, I mean recharge.

Recharging is the missing piece in successfully meeting more deadlines.

Recharging is making time to regroup your resources. If you attack your deadlines with scattered resources you will deliver scattered results.

All deadlines are not equal. There is a hierarchy. Isolate the one that’s most important and work your plan. Then take a break before going on to the next.

“I don’t have time for a break” may be your response. What you are missing from that angle of view is that anything you do from that mindset will be subpar and taxing to your well being. You insure that the next thing on your list won’t get the proper attention.

If you don’t slow yourself down, nature will. It will send you a situation that mandates that you slow down – a malady, a disease, a condition, that will force you to focus all your attention on recovering. Your only deadline at that point will be staying alive.

Recharging has two benefits:

1. You’ll successfully meet more deadlines.
2. You’ll live longer.

This is a promise: If you put recharging on your list of deadlines, you’ll uncover the scoop of the century.

All the best,

John

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One of the most powerful word combinations we can use is: “I’m sorry.”

A story that illustrates that power happened a few years back. A study was conducted with people who were medically wronged. The main finding was this: They didn’t want compensation as much as they wanted an apology.

The research found that when surgeons made an obvious mistake in surgery, the monetary damages they paid were lessened substantially when they apologized for their mistake.

We think of “I’m Sorry” mainly as an apology for something we’ve done to offend or hurt another. It has another powerful combination that isn’t used that often – “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you” is an acknowledging, empathetic phrase that doesn’t get enough work.

When something goes awry with someone and they are having a difficult time with it, with our helping hand, we tend to dig for the information of why it happened or attempt to forge ahead using some other problem solving approach.

We may initially respond with surprise or astonishment to their news, but rarely do we acknowledge sorrow for what happened to them. We seem to think the person knows what happened and now it’s time to fix it.

I can tell you from personal and professional experience that the phrase, “I’m sorry that happened to you” contains empathetic magic.

People need their situation acknowledged first with empathy.

People will pay attention to more of what you have to offer in the way of help if you first offer empathy.

Businesses are the worst offenders. Here is a typical, abbreviated exchange of emails between a customer and a business:

Customer: “I’m writing to let you know that the product I ordered from your company arrived broken. You people ought to ship with more padding to make sure that doesn’t happen. What do I have to do to get a working model?”

Business: “We use #6 padding on all our products and have very few reports of breakage. We will ship you another to replace the broken model. You should see it arrive within 5 business days.”

The customer will get a working model either way, but their feeling about the error will be lessened if they feel you are empathetic. That may be the deciding factor about doing repeat business with you.

When people are going through personal traumas, the empathic glue is “I’m sorry that happened to you.” They may want to hear that your sister had the same problem, but not first. They need empathetic acknowledgement before they can process anything else.

If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. We all have BS detectors that will sniff out insincerity in a heartbeat.

This is just a reminder to offer empathy first. It will help another transition more quickly from where they are to a place of healing.

I can’t claim that this is true, only suggesting that you give consideration to: “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

All the best,

John

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How psychic are you?

It’s my experience that most of us experience the “Psychic” thing too often to make these incidents mere coincidence.

We call this phenomenon a variety of names: Intuition, a sixth sense, a gut feeling, a hunch, a lucky guess, instinct and premonition are just some of the descriptors that come to mind.

We also have another sensation that dresses up and pretends to be psychic. It’s called a nagging fear.

We believe that because this fear keeps gnawing at us that it must be a premonition. This belief causes us to filter our experiences through a very dark lens.

So how do we tell the difference between a premonition and a fear?

A premonition won’t nag you.

It’s a one-time thing. It happens in the blink of an eye and it’s all inclusive, meaning it doesn’t arrive piecemeal.

Fear comes back more often than a bad penny.

If your fears are keeping you awake at night you can rest easy that they aren’t premonitions.

Premonitions are more time efficient and don’t chew their cabbage twice.

Can you think of a time when something came to you out of the blue? Notice it didn’t have a preamble or an epilogue; it just arrived.

Nagging fear reminds me of the inscription on the tombstone of the hypochondriac who lived to be 99: “See, I told you so.”

Nagging fears will continue to knock on our door. The trick is to notice that it isn’t Halloween and treat them as the imposters they are.

When you take the time to notice a nagging fear for what it is, it will dispel the myth that it’s a premonition.

You’ll never talk yourself into a psychic experience or out of fear, but if you notice the difference between the two, you give ominous fear less of an opportunity to take hold of you.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper dropped this on my laptop this morning: “What I don’t like about you tells me more about me than it does about you.”

Likes, dislikes and preferences are telltale signs of our conditioning. Many of the things we dislike are the same things our parents or other social conditioners didn’t like.

Anytime we align with a group that thinks a certain way, our conditioning has joined a club. Chances are you’ll dislike many of the same things.

When we continually shine a spotlight on another’s shortcomings, we miss the obvious: We only shine that light in one direction – Outward.

What we hide by standing behind that spotlight, is the part of us we believe is just like them.

What you don’t like about another reflects what you don’t like about yourself.

This is hard to swallow at first bite.

“I hate murderers” doesn’t mean you are a murderer; it may mean you fear there is a part of you capable of murder. The likelihood of you committing that act sits right next to zero, but so do many other fears.

If you get caught up in the one-way spotlight game, you’ll never discover your underlying fear that you, too, are terribly flawed which drives your dislikes.

Not knowing what you’re afraid of keeps you scared.

The next time a strong dislike surfaces, do a self inquiry. Ask yourself if there is a part of you that fears being like that. My sense is that you’ll discover a part of you that you never knew existed.

Once that part of you is brought to light, it begins to lose its power over you. You have one less fear to drive your dislikes, and perhaps you’ll seek out in others that worth liking.

I’m not proposing a movement here, just a personal inspection from time to time. The more you find out about your conditioned fears, the more you’ll begin to like yourself. And the more you like yourself, the less likely you are to automatically dislike.

Here’s a revealing exercise to do right now: Quickly list five things that you like or dislike.

If you came up with more dislikes than likes, here’s the good news: You’ve just made a discovery about you that’s worth some time in the spotlight.

All the best,

John

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There is a difference between being nosey and being curious. One leads to the land of “None of Your Business” and the other lights a path to new learning.

Nosey is putting your attention where it’s not welcome; curious has an open door policy.

Curious leads you to wondering about options that will move you forward; nosey just takes you back to the landfill for another pile of dirt.

Curiosity will solve more dilemmas than nosey will ever sniff.

Curiosity leads to creativity; nosey just confirms what you already believe.

To that end, I have compiled a group of quotes that will get you curious. They’re FREE!

So as not to overload you with curiosity, I’ve arranged for one new quote that gets you curious to be delivered to your email inbox each weekday.

These quotes are thought starters, just a few words of perspective to reflect on.

Unlike the quotes that People Magazine or The National Enquirer dish out, these quotes will take you inward. They’re all about you and what you can do.

It’s easy to sign up for them. Just go to the home page of http://johnmorganseminars.com and fill in your email address in the space provided, and you’re on your way to getting a quote that will get you curious each weekday.

It’s not my intention to be nosey, but I’m wondering how soon you’ll be curious enough to sign up for “Quotes That Get You Curious.”

All the best,

John

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I believe the art of persuasion is not getting someone to do something they don’t want, but, rather, getting them to do something they do want to do.

Persuading someone through coercion will always have consequences, but softly nudging them where they want to go pays mutual dividends.

I just saw a great example of this in an episode of Live From Daryl’s House that I just watched.

Singer, songwriter, Daryl Hall
of Hall and Oates fame has a show online where he invites legendary performers into his home studio and they jam. He was hosting one of his, and my boyhood idols, Smokey Robinson.

The story goes that Hall wanted to sing “Ooh Baby Baby” with Smokey (a lifelong dream), but for whatever reason Smokey said he didn’t want to sing that song. A personal aside: I believe that’s tantamount to not wanting to sing the praises of one of your children. Apparently, Hall felt the same way. Watch the link below as he “persuades” Smokey to sing the duet.

http://www.livefromdarylshouse.com/currentep.html?ep_id=53

If you’re successful in getting someone to do what they don’t want to do, you will experience buyer’s remorse.

If you’re successful in getting them to do what they do want to do, the harmony you help create is the most artful use of persuasion.

Nudging someone in the direction you both want to go is my definition of “Persuasion.”

How do you know if you’re persuading or coercing? It’s simple: If your only outcome is to get someone to do your bidding, it’s coercion. “My way or the highway” comes to mind.

It’s persuasion when you sense that there is subtle consent that will lead to mutual benefit. If you misread the subtle consent, a stop sign will present itself. If you choose to go through it, you’ll be ticketed for coercion.

Learning the art of persuasion begins by not attempting to force something down someone’s throat.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper had a bon mot today. He said, “Reality doesn’t have any wiggle room.”

Have you ever noticed how much equivocation is in an answer that requires only a “Yes” or “No”?

We have all experienced a “To the best of my recollection” response and intuitively know it’s a “Cover your donkey” answer.

We look for wiggle room where none exists. We attempt to manufacture wiggle room every day on questions that only require a Yea” or “Nay.”

How refreshing would it be to get an unwiggled answer?

Straight answers may not give you the response you were looking for but they are filled with actionable data – information you can trust that doesn’t keep you wandering around in the dark.

“Maybe” is a wiggle room answer and creates false hope.

“Yes,” “No” or “I don’t know” will save everyone lots of time and aggravation.

“Yes” and “No” are self-explanatory. “I don’t know,” if it’s a statement of fact, lets you and others know you haven’t arrived at “Yes’ or “No” yet.

“Wiggle Room” may be a great name for an establishment that employs pole dancers, but used as a strategy in life, it will keep you dancing around the facts and avoiding reality.

The name itself, “Wiggle Room,” suggests you are not on firm footing and it’s not a great way to firm up an answer.

Wiggling isn’t going to go away, but each time you wiggle, know this: You are looking to delay that which you will eventually answer with a “Yea” or “Nay.”

Shorten the storm by training yourself to say “Yes” or “No” and lighten the load of carrying something forward that can be dealt with now.

“Yes” and “No” are some of the first words we ever learned. What we have forgotten, over time, is how effective they can be, because if we lead others to assume, it makes a donkey out of you and me.

All the best,

John

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If we believe our cultural conditioning – and we do – we are led to believe that life is out there somewhere.

The Grasshopper paid a weekend visit and left me with this: “Out there can’t compare.”

If you catalog your most life-filled moments, they weren’t out there.

It wasn’t the cultural promise that brought that burst of life through you; it was something closer to home.

“Out there” can provide a collection of “Nice times” and fun filled moments, but they lack the fullness of “In here.”

We seem to be on a lifelong quest for the Holy Grail and we think we’re going to find it in a Monty Python movie.

“In here” isn’t a cultural event; it’s a sense of peace that can’t be found in the hubbub of “Out there.”

We keep looking out there in hopes that our conditioning was correct. That has the same odds of finding a plot in a direct-to-video Steven Seagal movie.

We keep piecing “Out there” moments together hoping they will fill in the missing puzzle pieces in our life, until we come to the realization that “Out there can’t compare.”

If you are left feeling anti-climatic in your hunt for life, chances are you are looking “Out there.”

“Out there” will have you pursue the rainbow filled horizon, just as a dog will chase its tail. The only difference is the dog has sense enough to stop.

Take time to review your “real moments” in life and find out they weren’t about any glitz or the false promise of tomorrow. There was a sense of “In here” about them.

I wish you Godspeed on your journey and hope you find your share of good times and good fortune. What I pray for is that you discover “In Here” and find out for yourself that “Out there can’t compare.”

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper reminded me this morning to have an “In between” day.

I had to wonder about that for a bit and here’s what I came up with:

Today is in between where you came from and where you are going. It’s the only place where any activity can take place because, today, you can’t act in the past or future. You can only act now.

So have an “In between day” today and every day!

All the best,

John

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