Have you ever had someone attempt to “talk over” you? That’s when another lives by the premise that “the loudest one wins” and just wants to drown you out. They not only want the last word but the only word.

That’s what we do when we want to deny our feelings. We “talk over” our feelings. We start to justify them or philosophize about them instead of feeling them. Our penchant of “talking over” them is our attempt to make them go away.

The strategy has never worked for longer than a minute. I’m reminded of Dr. Dave Dobson’s analogy of trying to hold a beachball under water. It takes all your effort and you eventually lose the battle.

Your feelings are not going away until you let them have their “say.”

Whatever sensations we attempt to “shout down” will hang around until we notice them and fully feel them. They are immune to our bombast.

I wrote about angry people a couple of weeks ago. Many of them attempt to bury their anger. That never works. Just remember Dr. Dave’s beachball. The result of burying or “talking over” their anger, insures that it will eventually come out in a torrent.

The recommendation is not to “let it out” and spew on everyone in sight, but more so to “let it in” and feel it rather than fight it.

Whatever sensations you have going on, notice them first. Take stock of your feelings and notice that you have anger or unhappiness or whatever you are feeling inside of you. Once you recognize them and give them credence, it’s time to feel them and let them have their say.

For many, feeling our feelings is a fate worse than death. Feelings puncture the myth we have created about ourselves in our head – the image we are attempting to sell – that we’re strong and unaffected by our feelings. That is eternal hogwash.

Feelings can’t be shooed away with a soliloquy; they need to be felt in order to metabolize.

Noticing and sitting with your feelings is the remedy for letting the air out of the beachball.

Talking over will eventually take you under. Start to monitor rather than ignore your sensations and feel what your body is urging you to feel. It works a lot better than lips that aren’t sealed.

All the best,

John

Working hard and doing your best will certainly earn you respect but to get a paycheck you have to do the job at hand.

I have been following the story of the NFL football player who had his two, young sons return their trophies for just participating in an event. His claim was they did nothing to earn them but show up. His belief is that’s not enough to claim a reward. That may seem harsh but it is the reality they will eventually face.

My experience is we all want to be paid for working hard but when we hire someone, we only want to pay them for results. That is the way of the world.

Working hard and getting results are not the same and each will have a different employment level. If you’ve ever worked in a factory or waited tables for long hours or did some kind of construction labor, you know you worked hard. The rub is you weren’t paid for hard work; you were paid to get a job done. If you were incapable of doing the job, no matter how hard you worked, you were eventually out of a job.

Results often follow hard work but not always. Some people are working hard at the wrong aspect of their job – the aspect that doesn’t get them paid.

One of the nicest people I ever worked with worked harder than anyone else. But most of his work went into the minutiae and not the job at hand. As nice as he was and as hard as he worked, it didn’t get him the rewards I’m sure he thought he truly deserved, just an invitation to pack up his things and move on.

The job at hand is getting results, not producing sweat.

People who have bought into the hard work myth generally fall into the category of what I refer to as “thinking like an employee.” But regardless of how you think, the thing you’re going to get paid for is getting results, unless you’re a member of congress.

A question that will gain you focus is: “What is the job at hand for me?”

This question applies to all aspects of life, not just what you do for a living. Zero in on doing the job at hand and notice how much you increase your results, which often results in you getting more zeros after the comma in your yearly income.

All the best,

John

We all react. Even a non-reaction is a reaction. So the question I pose is: “Are we slaves to our reactions?” The answer is “Yes” and “No.”

Yes, because we will have automatic, lightning quick, conditioned behavior fire off when we are met with a certain stimulus. No, we’re not slaves to behavior if we begin to notice it. That’s our only chance to outgrow it.

When I have a reaction, I have a choice if I notice I’m having a reaction. As mentioned, a reaction is a programmed way of responding to a stimulus. If every time someone says, “You’re an @%#&%,” your retort is, “You’re an @%#&%,” you have re-acted with some programmed behavior.

I have found that it’s best for me if I keep my reactions on a leash, otherwise they may run amok like a spirited dog. That means if I have a reaction that’s going to take me down a path that goes deep into the woods, I notice it and pull back.

If my reaction has been let out of the bag, I have a brief opportunity to mitigate it by reeling it back in. As an example, imagine this back and forth between a couple. Add to the scenario that one member of this duo has had a “trying” day.

“Would you like to go see the new Meryl Streep movie tonight?”

“No, I don’t want to go to a crowded theatre and sit with the great unwashed.” (Now noticing the reaction) “But ya’ know, that movie has gotten some great reviews, can we go see it tomorrow night because I’ve just had a day and wouldn’t be the best company tonight?”

Staying with your initial reaction will get you what it got you last time. You’re like a scripted actor in a predictable scene. Noticing your reaction and interrupting it before it becomes drama is your only chance for growth.

Start noticing your reactions and notice that they take you to the same place each time. If you’re looking for new vistas, start saying “hasta la vista” to your programmed reactions by noticing them and you’ll find yourself acting in fresh, unscripted scenes.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper asked an interesting question yesterday: “Are you living in the moment or attempting to manage it?”

It immediately occurred to me that attempting to manage a moment takes you out of the moment and into a mind based scenario where you are trying to “get one over” on the moment.

Perhaps a parallel discussion about self hypnosis will illustrate the point. Most people think, including most hypnotists, that you get yourself into a hypnotic frame of mind and then give yourself some suggestions. The problem with that belief is the minute that you began to give yourself the suggestions, you would come out of the hypnotic frame of mind because a hypnotic frame of mind contains no thinking, just space between your thoughts.

It’s best to start your self hypnosis session with the goal you have in mind and then do your progressive relaxation. In other words, you set your intention before you go into your relaxed frame of mind, not after you’re there.

Back to the moment. The minute that you think something has to be managed in the moment, you’re no longer in it. Perhaps an example would be helpful.

Let’s pretend that you are having a conversation with someone. If you begin to think about what you’re going to say in response to what they just said, you have come out of the connection and retreated inside your head. You have come out of the moment and the communication will suffer.

To be in the conversation, you can’t come out of it. That means that your attention has to be given fully to what’s happening in the moment for you to stay in it. The minute you retreat, you are no longer in that moment.

Retreating from the moment is what I’m calling “managing the moment.”

Moments don’t need to be managed; they serve you best when they are experienced.

Being in the moment means to be with what’s right there, not with what’s on the horizon.

Being in the moment takes trust that you’ll know how to respond to whatever the moment has to offer, rather than coming out of the moment to search for a crafted response.

Staying in the moment takes practice because we have been highly conditioned to manage moments – meaning we are trying to control reality which is always a losing strategy.

Quoting my friend Jerry Stocking: “If we can’t be present to what we don’t want, then we aren’t likely to be present at all. Fair weather presence isn’t really presence at all, it is a dash of happiness on an absent canvas.”

All the best,

John

I have a confession to make: I am uncomfortable around angry people.

I’m not referring to someone who gets angry; that happens to all of us. I’m referring to the person who displays anger as their natural state of existence. These folks often don’t notice that they are angry.

Their anger sits below the surface but I notice it smoldering and start to feel uncomfortable in their presence.

I guess you could say, “that’s your issue, learn to deal with it.”

My programmed response is to want to help them to release the hold anger has on them by:

1. Noticing the anger.

2. Feeling it, rather than ignoring it, so it metabolizes.

That would be a heady mission to attempt to help all the angry people I come in contact with. Quite frankly, that’s unwelcomed and impossible.

Seems I have some options. I can just avoid their company (which is my current response) or I can attempt to help them (which I would need to ask their permission to do) or I could seek out ways to get more comfortable in their presence.

The last option has had me “managing people.” That means I would work at steering the conversation away from their angst. But like the Billy Joel Song says, “I don’t want clever conversation. I never want to work that hard.”

I have this anticipated fear that at any moment their torrent of anger will be released which would just add to my discomfort.

My experience with that scenario in the past has been to confront them about their behavior which generally leads to escalation rather than resolution. I add to the fire rather than douse it.

I guess my best option is to take my own advice (who ever does that?) and notice my discomfort and feel it fully so that it dissipates.

I’ll let you know how I make out. If you ever see me at an anti-government rally, you’ll know I’m working on my issue.

All the best,

John

“Lip service is the hallmark of inaction.” That’s what The Grasshopper offered in response to an email I got from a concerned parent regarding his son’s drug abuse.

Admitting you have a problem is part of all formal drug counseling. The rub is that many abusers use admission as evidence that they’re doing something about it. Announcing on Facebook that you have a problem is a far cry from actually addressing the issue.

Announcing that you have a problem with “Hostess Ho Hos” is a canard many abusers use to divert peoples’ attention away from the fact that they’re still devouring them in large quantities. It’s a stalling tactic.

Admission has to be followed by action. If it’s not, you have lip service.

Pay attention to what people do more than what they say and you’ll have a better barometer on what will happen at the end of the day.

Don’t debate peoples’ words; challenge their inaction. It will get one to focus on the core of the matter much quicker.

Lip service is like dog shit; it’s everywhere. It’s up to you whether you’ll announce that you’ve stepped in it again or take some action and clear it from your path.

All the best,

John

“When it comes to human nature, there are as many mysteries as there are revelations.” So said The Grasshopper yesterday.

It seems the essence of the message is that “people will surprise you.”

That should come as no surprise.

We have been attempting to classify people from the dawn of time. There are many personality models that have surfaced over the years – too many to mention – and they all tend to want to sum us up in a sentence.

I find these personality typing systems helpful in a global sense. They help me quickly home in on the personality I’ll be interacting with. They get me in the ballpark. But after that, it becomes a bit more unpredictable.

That’s when the ability to respond comes into play. That means we can’t remain on a step-by-step path when another steps out of character. If we do, the interaction comes to a halt and there is no communicating going on.

Reminds me of an old talk show technique. Pretend that you have a guest that you haven’t prepared for and their topic is one you’re not familiar with. After you introduce them and ask your first general question or two, you then go to what I call “the last sentence mode.” That means that you formulate a question on the last thing they said. “Yes, this car of the future comes with a 4 barrel ashtray.” “So, I’m sure our viewers/listeners are curious, what is a 4 barrel ashtray?”

This keeps the communication going as you respond to each new surprise.

People won’t always react the way your preferred typing system predicts they will. When they throw you a curve ball, that’s when to throw away the manual and reach for a response. That means you’ll have to let your conditioned reaction go by so you don’t swing and miss. When you recognize the curve, wait for a response that’s not pre-programmed and offer it instead. It keeps the communication going and prevents it from devolving into chaos.

Responding keeps you flexible. You’ll succeed more often when communicating with others when you opt out of rigid reactions and offer flexible responses instead.

Dr. Dave Dobson told his students to respond to a critical remark (a surprise) in this fashion:

1. Ask a question in response to the remark.

2. Ask with genuine curiosity.

3. Ask the question in “neutral.” (That means to take the implied “screw you” out of your voice).

This allows the communication to keep going and gives you a much better chance for a productive outcome than had you offered your initial reaction.

I don’t think the mystery of human nature will ever be solved, so when a person puzzles you, make sure to respond.

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper offered this little sprig of mint for my mental iced tea: “Adaptation is a catalyst for continued creation.”

The alternate message seems to be that when we don’t adapt, we get stuck in stale. Creativity comes to a halt.

Creativity isn’t linear. We seem to want a formula – 7 steps. From my experience, creativity doesn’t work that way. In fact, the steps seem to get in the way because we forget to adapt to changing circumstances the current steps don’t fit.

I’m a photography buff and I’ve heard this exact same suggestion from a number of landscape photographers. If the scene you’ve decided to take a picture of just isn’t looking good to your eye, turn around and look behind you. There may be a previously unnoticed gem just waiting for you. That’s adaptation spurring potential creativity. Many will continue to photograph the first scene over and over again, getting the same unsatisfying results.

Failure to adapt will give you a steady diet of brick dust.

It’s like the basketball coach who inherits a team that is highly adept at playing at a very fast pace and attempting to fit them into his model of slowing the game down. He doesn’t adapt to what he has and is totally surprised when he doesn’t win.

I have an expression I use for those who don’t adapt: “One Speed.”

Here’s a story I’ve told before: I worked with this fast talking, high volume DJ when I was a broadcaster. He did the best concert commercials with his patented delivery but you had to hear the commercial he did for the funeral home; it was comical. He didn’t adapt to the material and his creativity was cut off by his cookie cutter approach.

Life is filled with choice points. If we continue to make the same type of choices at each crossroad, we have ignored adaptability and shut down our creativity. “How did I wind up here again?” is easily answered by pointing out our failure to adapt.

Choice points are an opportunity to create something new. If we don’t adapt to the circumstances, we keep our creativity encased in glue.

All the best,

John

Pretend you have the opportunity to communicate with anyone living or dead but you only get 30 seconds to say what you want.

There are no questions involved, only statements. The person is only there to hear your message. What would you say in 30 seconds? What do you want them to know?

30 seconds is all you get, so make sure everything you want to say gets prioritized within that time frame. It may take you a lot longer than 30 seconds to come up with what you want to say. That’s OK. It’s the prioritization of the information that delivers the benefit.

You will find out, for sure, exactly what that person means/meant to you. It will no longer be a hodgepodge of information pulling you to and fro, just a capsulized message you want them to know.

What is the benefit? Even though they may never hear it, the benefit to you lies in crafting and delivering your message in 30 seconds. It will clear out your mind and open your heart.

Why 30 seconds? It reminds me of a story I’ve told before . . .

My friend Paul uses this technique for his public speaking class. He asks students to imagine that they’ve been selected by the Today Show to do a live interview with their favorite singer/actor/sports hero, etc. They are asked if they could come up with enough questions to fill a 5 minute segment and they all answer “yes.”

He then asks them to imagine that they are 30 seconds from air time and the producer says into their earpiece that they will now only have 1 minute for the interview because they are going to have to cut away to cover a big, breaking news story. Now they have to rearrange their questions so that they can make sure they ask the most important one.

This is a powerful exercise, especially if you have to excise some unfinished business from your psyche. Going past 30 seconds turns it into drama, so make sure to adhere to the allotted time. Pretend the person is there and say your 30 second message aloud. It has the real possibility of getting you out from under a long, lingering cloud.

All the best,

John

I was listening to celebrity photographer Jeff Kravitz being interviewed yesterday and in there he offered this piece of wisdom: “We’re all figments of our imagination.” He followed that up with a question: “So then, why not imagine big?”

Most of us play small ball based on the image of ourselves that we made up and got comfortable with. It’s that image that keeps us confined to wherever we imagine we belong.

Updating your image of yourself is the first step in getting the horse out of the barn. It’s an interesting exercise to see yourself differently than you imagined. It does take off the blinders and opens you to a bigger world.

It may seem counter-intuitive on first blush, but it seems to me that the next evolutionary step is to rid ourselves of any image whatsoever. If all our images are figments anyway, there’s no sense hanging on to anything false, no matter how big it is.

This process is more difficult than updating your image but the benefits are exponentially better than any image you hold of yourself.

The process begins when we start to own the realization that we are not any image, no matter how tarnished or polished it is.

The benefit to this is that we don’t have to pretend any longer. Pretending takes a lot of effort and that is draining. When we drop the pretense of any image, we breathe easier and get more comfortable in our own skin.

You may like or dislike labels that you or someone else has ascribed to you, but when you start peeling them off one-by-one, you get to the core of who you are which can’t be labeled, only experienced.

Harkening back to a Grasshopper blog post from five summers ago:

Who you are cannot be named. It’s like the ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao-Tzu reminded us in the opening verse of the Tao Te Ching: “The Tao that can be explained with words is not the Tao.” The verse goes on to say, “We desire to understand the world by giving names to the things we see, but these things are the effects of something subtle. When we see beyond the desire to use names, we can sense the nameless cause of these effects.”

In our trip across this pond called life, there are certain lily pads we have to get to first before we can get to the next one. Realizing you can change your image in this “frog into prince/princess” journey is the first step. The next leap before we can get to the other side is to land on the idea that we are neither a frog nor a prince. This allows us to experience the essence that makes up all labels, so we don’t have to get stuck on one.

Use your imagination and find out you are more than any label you can dream up. Quoting the photographer again, “Why not imagine big?”

All the best,

John