Here’s a “Flashback Friday” Grasshopper quote that cautions against serial quoting:

“When You Only Cite, What You Are Saying Comes Across As Trite.”

I love a good quote and, like you, I have my favorites. Where a red flag goes up is when I experience someone who is forever telling me what someone else said. They may as well say, “My creativity is dead.”
Citing someone in your term paper or to punctuate a story you are telling is the spice that underscores the point. When your only point continually comes from someone else, it’s no longer your point; it’s theirs.

You could easily host a TV Show called “Shilling for Quotes.” You would have the polished facade of a game show host with the pearly smile and have nothing to say other than what you’re reading off a card.

My experience with someone who serially cites is that they are feeling hollow inside. There is no substance that they are drawing on, so they draw with someone else’s pencil.

Beneath this hollow surface is a treasure trove of unfiltered substance. It’s from there that authenticity springs.

I would rather experience someone’s depth than his or her depth of knowledge. I can’t Google their depth; I can only get it from them.

If you have nothing to say, say nothing. If you “think” you have nothing to offer, explore your depth and you’ll come up with something that’s originally you, not a collection of what everyone else has said that you put in a stew.

Your depth is further down than your pat answers. You have to dig past responses and rejoinders that you’ve offered a thousand times.

When you are offered a stimulus, wait for a response, one that’s deeper than the hollow ones you’ve been echoing. It’s then and there that you will discover you and find your own quote worth re-quoting.

All the best,

John

Here’s a Grasshopper blast from the past on “Wayback Wednesday”:

“Whenever You Get Ahead Of Yourself, You’re Sure To Fall Behind.”

You can’t play the 18th hole of a golf course when you’re on the 16th
fairway. If you mentally start something else, while in the middle of what you’re currently doing, the present moment loses its biggest asset – Attention.

I can dream and daydream with the best of them, but when it comes down to getting results now, what’s right in front of me needs my full attention or I will slip up, and what I’m attempting to do will take so much longer.

If you are continually daydreaming just to escape, you’ll never escape the reality that’s right before you. It needs to be dealt with. The old expression “You can pay me now or you can pay me later” comes to mind. Escapism as recreation is fun. “What would I do if I won all that money in the lottery jackpot?”

If you are perpetually daydreaming that your gambling winnings will be your 401K, you have jumped the daydreaming shark and are at sea without a motor, sail or a rudder.

Getting ahead of yourself is ignoring what is staring you in the face. It’s still going to be there when the daydream comes to an end.

I just read a survey that found that 20% of young adults use their smartphones during sex. I guess I can state the obvious: “It’s not great sex if you text.”

Scattered attention is a pandemic and it’s getting worse. You can get a leg up on the rest of society by wrapping your arms around this: If you master your attention, you can master just about anything. You just have to be willing to give what you are doing your full attention.

When you notice your attention start to stray, stop what you are doing because there’s a good chance you are going to screw it up. Let your attention go wherever it wants to go and then when that escapade is over, bring it back to what you were doing. You will complete more things, more often when they have your full attention.

If you’ve bought into multi-tasking, you’ve purchased mediocrity and your results will bear that out. Yes, walk and chew gum at the same time, just don’t for a moment think that you can ever do two important things at once. One will always suffer at the hand of the other.

If you want to scatter focus and water down results, you already have the tried and true formula – attempt to do more than one thing at once.

If you’d rather have results, pay attention to attention – it’s the Holy Grail of what’s right here, not what’s beyond the pale.

All the best,

John

Here’s a Monday Memory from The Grasshopper:

“Reclaiming Our Depth Can’t Be Done In The Shallow End Of The Pool.”

It seems counter-intuitive but, in life, we move from depth to superficial. Getting back to our depth means giving up our “life preserver.”

The water wings of superficial will keep you floating on the top and you may never find your depth again until your floating device is punctured and you hit rock bottom.

We are born connected to our depth. We are conditioned out of it, and everything we pursue in life is an attempt to get that state of being back.

The problem is that depth is not found in the shallow end, and that’s where we spend the bulk of our life.

We long for that sense of completeness that’s always available but lives below the surface. We believe we can get to it by swimming towards yet another alluring horizon. That constant activity keeps us floating on the surface away from the treasures of the deep.

For many, it takes a dark night of the soul to reconnect to their depth. They find that superficial, no matter how much air has been pumped into it, has a gaping hole in the side. It becomes too hard to stay on the surface and depth patiently waits.

Sadly, depth may not be experienced again for many until they are facing physical death. Ask any hospice worker what people are reflecting about. Here’s a hint: It’s not about swimming with the sharks.

Depth will outwait superficial. You’ll eventually get there but may need to be politely nudged that it’s in your best interest to get there sooner. This much is for sure: Superficial has more sizzle than depth, but sizzle can’t satisfy.

Coming full circle back to depth completes you. It’s up to you whether you want a long or short swim to get there.

All the best,

John

Here’s something to consider believing in from the files of The Grasshopper:

“Is or Isn’t are the Only Choices”

Something either exists or it doesn’t. If it does, it doesn’t need our belief in it to sustain its existence.

We all believe in stuff we can’t prove. Beliefs are conditioned mental patterns
that don’t pay attention to the reality of “is or isn’t.”

There may be a host of things we believe in still waiting to be proved. Think of poor Galileo who spent the last days of his life in prison because he claimed the Earth rotated around the sun. Beliefs, even when they are correct, can imprison you.

A worthy endeavor to do, just for fun, is to put your sacred cows to the “is or
isn’t” test. List a few of your fervent and casual beliefs and put a checkmark
next to it only if it can be proven to be “is.”

Gravity comes to mind. I believe in it and it is in the “is” category, so it gets a check. No sane person is arguing against gravity. Conversely, I don’t believe people are born “rude”; I believe they are conditioned that way. I’m certain there are knowlegable people somewhere who will cite studies that “rudeness” is in the DNA. As much as I would like to, I can’t put that belief of mine in the”is” column.

As stated in previous writings, reality has no opposite. It either is or isn’t. Is something real, or only real to you? That’s the test for is or isn’t. It doesn’t matter if you can line up friends and experts to make your case. If there are friends and experts with opposing views, you are arguing about beliefs or arguing “facts in a vacuum.”

What you will find is that most of your beliefs can’t pass the “is” test. That’s a clue for you to stop arguing for your beliefs. You can certainly offer them, but if you become argumentative, you have just joined in the ongoing conversation that goes nowhere.

It’s silly of me to think that people will stop arguing about things like politics and religion; it’s been going on for thousands of years. But what if my goal is not to reach all people but only you and me?

What would happen in our lives if we stopped arguing for what we can’t prove? My guess is we would make a space for connectivity and get a lot more accomplished. But I can’t prove that. You’ll have to test it yourself to find out if it “is or isn’t.”

All the best,

John

Here’s an entry from The Grasshopper’s Book of Definitions:

“HOPE: Expanding The Frame Of Possibility.”

When you offer someone hope, you are not handing them something tangible; you are expanding the frame through which they view their situation.
I have not been a big fan of hope in the past. The question I would ask “hopers” was: “If you spit in one hand and hope in the other, which hand will fill up first?” I will still ask that question, but only of people who are expecting someone else to do the work that they need to do.

The people who would not benefit from my question are the folks whose limited vision is causing them palpable distress. These are the people who can only see one outcome – usually the worst. They are the people who will benefit most by hope.

Many people who don’t have hope have lost the ability to do arithmetic. If there is a 3 in 10 chance of something happening, they either focus on a different equation – the 7 chances of it not happening, or they equate 3 in 10 with zero.

If you want them to have the solace of hope, you have to focus them on what’s possible.

Your job is not to change the ultimate outcome; that’s above your pay grade. Your job is to get them to see the whole frame rather than the dark corner they are laser focused on. This job entails getting your opinion out of the way as well. Your opinion of the outcome will taint your ability to provide hope. Just deliver the facts and deliver them with love.

Hope is a bridge from a desolate island to a land of possibility. Help someone build that bridge and you have given someone the intangible that can make life more livable.

Don’t ever offer false hope; it serves no one and can be smelled a mile away. But when there is a chance, make every effort to expand possibilities. The trip from hopeless to hopeful is paved with possibilities.

All the best,

John

Is it “Flashback Friday” already? Found this old Grasshopper Note in the archives. Hope it brings you some peace.

“Peace Isn’t Selective.”

There is this absurd notion that some people are singled out to get that which can’t be purchased – Peace.

Peace is your birthright, and it’s not for sale and it doesn’t pick someone else instead of you. The same goes for luck, or grace, or forgiveness.

Peace comes to those who are open to it. Being open isn’t a guarantee that it will immediately come, but it is the starting point.

If you are searching for a cool breeze, it helps to open the window. You could sit in a shuttered house and lament that others are getting cool breezes, but that does nothing to give you a fresh breath of air.

Openness and willingness are aphrodisiacs to peace. They smell that aroma in the air and, by hook or crook, they find their way there.

You can’t get that which you resist. We seem to resist getting peace by barring the door to it. You can’t be “right” and peaceful at the same time. You can’t want good will for some, but not for all and find peace. Peace passes you by when you are selective in how it comes. “I want to hold a grudge and be peaceful at the same time” is being selective. The more selective you are, the less peace you will have.

Peace comes to a calm mind. The busier you are in there, the less room there is for peace. Holding on to all the selective criteria makes for a noisy mind.

So the formula for peace is twofold:

1. Be open to its existence. Openness is an invitation.

2. Calm your mind. A quieter mind is the welcome mat.

Mind quieting can be as simple as letting go of some of the selective conditions you currently have for peace. You may not have noticed that peace has never and will never agree to those conditions.

You can’t demand peace. It’s not afraid of your threats because you have no leverage. Peace holds all the cards; all you have to do is fold your selective hand and stand by an open window and wait for your windfall to blow in.

All the best,

John

Here’s a blast from the past about the present from The Grasshopper:

“Seeking Validation For The Way You Are Keeps You The Way You Are.”

If we can find a reason for our shortcoming and get people to agree to it, we have formed a club that forms a wall of defense that keeps us sheltered from progress.

I met a young couple while flying recently. She was a teacher and he was a recruiter – a very sweet couple. I offered that I taught seminars on smoking cessation and weight loss. The woman was intrigued. She asked a lot of questions and then said something like: “I really don’t need to lose weight but I have some negative family issues related to food that keep me from eating more healthy.” She then pointed in her husband’s direction as she looked for validation and said to me, “He knows what I’m talking about.”

I have no doubt that most of us have some negative upbringing regarding food. It’s just our caregivers passing along their preferences and prejudices. The reason that she has issues with eating “healthy” is more interesting than it is important. The way forward is determined by deciding how you get from where you are to where you want to go, not going back to how you got here.

You are already here. There is no need to go back and get here again. The seeking of justification for how you got here is looking through the telescope backwards. It provides distorted perspective. Reminds me of another story . . .

Years ago, a friend was having a problem with her teenage child who had left her home to live with her father. Her child was acting out in too many ways to mention and, according to my friend, her ex-husband was allowing her behavior to continue under his roof. I suggested that she and her ex get together and put aside their differences and look for a way to help their daughter, rather than assigning blame to each other. When their conversation went back in the direction of who was at fault, the conversation became about them and not about the daughter’s well being. It’s so easy to get sidetracked from the issue at hand – how to go forward.

Searching for a scapegoat is wandering in a field that won’t produce crops. Real growth begins in the current moment and is not assisted by assigning blame or justification. The quickest way to curtail or derail progress is to seek validation for your position rather than evaluating the options in front of you.

The past can provide a context but going back over it again and again keeps the focus from going in the most productive direction – forward.

The need to argue for how we got our limitations is the main culprit in keeping limits on our progress. When I look more closely at the justification phenomenon, I find that people are really looking for acknowledgement for their pain, not just validation of their limitation. They want their story acknowledged. WARNING: If that takes longer than five minutes, you are doing them a disservice.

If you truly want to assist them, you can’t stay with the story. You may be considered a good friend but you won’t be helping them. You’ll just enable them to stay unable.

How you got here is a matter for the historians; taking steps forward is an action that allows you to make new history, rather than justifying and re-creating your past.

All the best,

John

When we remember wonderful times from places from our past, they qualify as magic moments. Here’s the trick: The magic is in the moment, not in the location.

When our boys were young, my wife and I took them on vacation to the beaches in New Jersey that both of us visited every summer of our youth. Ask any of our now adult children where the “best” beaches are, they will all say New Jersey.

They’ve been to many other celebrated beaches around the world, but Jersey beaches are deemed the best. Are they? Not really. I love them too but the source of this love is the magic moments spent at the location, not the location itself.

The reminder here is to pay more attention to the moment we’re in. That’s the secret to making moments magical.

When we’re immersed in the moment, the amount of ease and comfort we experience acts as a calming and warming influence. When we attempt to escape from the moment, the amount of unease we feel is turbulently palpable.

Here’s my experience: Creativity and calm come out of magical moments. Confusion and chaos come from moments we’re attempting to escape.

Even moments that are unpleasant need to be experienced. It’s the immersion in the moment that will help metabolize the waves of angst and morph them into calmer seas.

There really is magic. It’s found in a moment. I wonder how soon you’ll take a moment to experience the magic.

All the best,

John

Look what I found in the attic on Throwback Thursday: (oops, I mean Wayback Wednesday).

Beliefs Are Paintings In Your Mind – Grasshopper

If you want to show someone the contents of your mind, put your beliefs on display. It’s kinda’ like your personal art show.

We attempt to make our beliefs into solid things. That’s like pretending that the mountain in our painting is a real thing instead of a representation. Beliefs are representations of repeated experiences that made their way onto our internal canvas.

Beliefs are no more real than an artist’s rustic rendition being a real log cabin in a pine forest.

We operate in accordance with our beliefs so they must be real, right? Acupuncturists bring people relief by putting small needles into points on the body called meridians that they believe are really inside the body, yet no autopsy has found a meridian or a belief.

That proves that beliefs can be real useful and helpful, but it does not make them real.

People argue for their beliefs everyday, some go to war over them. This is when our beliefs go amok.

The real part of beliefs is that we live in accordance with the ones we have painted or were painted for us. That means our behavior will follow our beliefs.

We act as though we live in the solid house we have painted on a canvas. When we grasp the concept that what we have painted is not real, we are a step closer to examining our beliefs and finding the ones that are working for us, and the ones that aren’t.

Look at the issue of gay marriage. You either believe in it or you don’t. The belief is a not a real thing but we treat it as though it is. Observe the number of people whose beliefs are changing on the topic. They have noticed that their beliefs aren’t solid things, just representations on a canvas. You can change the shape, size or color of your belief with a brush stroke or two.

Are you having a hard time selling your painting? It may be time to examine it a bit more closely and see what refinements it could use. If you believe it’s a real masterpiece the way it is, it will only hang in your museum and few, if any, will come to see it.

You can use your beliefs to paint the town red or paint yourself into a corner. If you find yourself doing the latter more often, your beliefs aren’t working for you and could use a fresh coat of paint.

All the best,

John

I saw one of my sons had posted a sign on his Facebook page that read “Peace of Mind.” The Grasshopper immediately appeared out of the tall grass and said, “Hard to find peace of mind when you’re giving someone a piece of yours.”

How often have we opened our mouth and closed off communication by telling someone “how it is”?

Offering unsolicited input or engaging in any form of arguing are worldwide diseases that we all have a touch of. We fail to notice that after offering our “piece,” we don’t experience peace – just a stirred up sense of being right that just doesn’t feel right.

I have yet to figure out how to argue my way to peace. I’ll bet you’ve been in the same boat looking for a peaceful place to land. It’s a perpetual “three hour tour.”

That doesn’t mean you can’t offer an opinion, just make sure it doesn’t come out as an edict or, God forbid, the only way.

The older I get the less I seem to argue. I find that very peaceful. I used to be a pretty good arguer but that skill only served up unsettled feelings within me, so I’ve chosen to argue less and enjoy life more.

Don’t take my word for it. Try it on for size. If you like it, buy it and wear it in good health. If it doesn’t fit, then as they say in the sports world, “No harm, no foul.”

In the old Greek usage of the word, my “argument” is this: The more you choose not to argue or expound, unsettled feelings are lost and peace of mind is more easily found.

All the best,

John