A Person of Substance can be represented by an acronym: P.O.S. Another type of person can also be represented by the same acronym: P.O.S.

A person of substance will have your back if they declare they will. The other P.O.S. is highly likely to turn on you no matter what grandiose smoke they once blew in your direction.

The entertaining scenario is when two P.O.S., turncoat types are in cahoots with each other. When the going gets tough, you can count on these two vilifying each other.

“Birds of a feather” comes to mind as does the old saying, “If you lie down with dogs, you will get fleas.”

Look no further than mob underlings testifying against their boss when they are faced with long-term incarceration. That’s one P.O.S. turning on another.

If you surround yourself with suspect people, you will also be a suspect, and rightly so.

These P.O.S. people are very transactional, loyal to no one and emblematic of the downside of the P.O.S. label.

Who do you want to be associated with? – People of Substance or their exact opposite: People who have conditioned themselves to be Pieces of Shit.

All the best,

John

I didn’t learn about Venn Diagrams until high school. For whatever reason, they fascinated me then and continue to do so.

The thing I find most intriguing about them is the “melting pot” in the middle where divergent things come together.

To me, that section represents what we have in common. It’s actually very little if we look at it from the angle of being a special club that divides us.

I now switch subjects to Greek syllogisms. They are comprised of 2 assumptions (whether valid or not) that come to a 3rd conclusion.

All Americans have blood.

All Americans have red blood.

Therefore All Americans are red blooded.

You can come to an absurd conclusion if you wind up in the middle section of a Venn Diagram with corrupted data vs. factual information.

So, based on faulty information, you may not really belong in the middle but on the fringe. People on the fringe don’t have much in common with the universe of sampled people.

The following type of “fun house mirror” logic is spewed every day to prop up our fringe opinions and represent them as facts.

Radio host Bob Blowhard is a Bigot.

Joe Public is a family man and applauds and supports Bob’s positions.

Family men are not bigots.

What do we really have in common? That’s worth exploring because it will be the glue that unites us. Passing off our opinions as facts divides us.

I’m reminded of the story of the drunk leaning on a lamppost. Is he using it to support his impaired position or is it shining a light on his condition?

I guess my message is to inspect your opinions before you pass them on as facts.

I’m a parent and a grandparent and one of the most divisive things I can do is pass on my prejudice. It’s productive for me to either inspect my opinions in the light of day or just shut up.

All the best,

John

I have used the phrase “comfortable in your own skin” for many years. It’s hard to define in words because it’s a feeling, yet I’ll make an attempt.

It occurs to me that someone who is comfortable in their own skin has figured out that their thinking mind is not them. We are not our thoughts; we are so much deeper. “Deeper” translates to more comfortable.

Uncomfortable people constantly argue with their mind. It’s a battle for who’s running the show. Arguing with your mind is like arguing with a tape recorder. Imagine how quickly you would call for the men in white coats if you saw someone outwardly arguing with a tape recorder.

Your mind is playing the same tapes over and over again and baits you to fight with it to see who the winner will be. As noted many times in the past, you have NEVER won an argument with your mind.

So, your mind runs the show . . . until you go deeper.

I’m currently writing a book called INTER RUPTION: The Key To Lasting Change. The premise of the book is to interrupt the mind, not fight with it.

When we interrupt our scripted mind, we open the door to depths not previously plumbed. It’s at this depth that argument melts and fades away and comfort within your own skin wins the day.

Want to have more say in directing your life? Interrupt the script and add depth to your role.

All the best,

John

Life offers us a standing invitation every day. Most of us ignore the invitation.

What invitation does life offer every hour, every day? – The invitation to go deeper.

Based on my experience, I find that most of us argue for our surface limitations which puts up a barrier to reaching our depth.

Many people begin to notice the invitation when reality delivers a blow. I refer to that moment as “a dark night of the soul.” This is an optimum time to discover who you are past all your surface descriptions.

This is a time to spend time with yourself and avoid the diversions you’ve entertained in the past. It’s scary for some to spend time with themselves. Their mind goes into high gear defending the way they are, even though that way is not working.

If you avoid going deeper, you’ll go back to the limited options your conditioning consistently delivered.

Did you ever wonder why many people gravitate to the same type of people who were problematic to them in the past? When you stay on the surface, your options are limited and as I heard many years ago, “If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.”

If you’re going through a dark period, it’s highly recommended to R.S.V.P. to life’s invitation.

Going deeper is going deeper than your thoughts.

The vehicle you use to go deeper is irrelevant. It can be prayer, meditation, reflection, mindfulness or something else. Any of those methods will transport you to enter the depths of you.

I invite you to get curious about going deeper. It’s a life changing experience.

All the best,

John

Here’s a question the Grasshopper asked over the weekend: “Are you a go-getter or a come-find-me?”

I’ve been both. One’s harder than the other and one is more comfortable than the other.

I’m sure you know which is which.

People are paying a premium for higher education these days. The mindset of many graduates goes along these lines: I’ve studied hard for 4 years and have a higher than average GPA. I should be in high demand.” The raw reality is, at that point, no matter what your degree is in, you are a salesman. You have to sell someone on you.

That’s true in job prospecting, dating, politics and too many other things to mention. Reminds me of a story . . .

I was pitching a communication program to a law firm back in the 80s. The owner of the firm had 26 attorneys working for him. Before I laid out a program for him I asked, “What would you like your people to learn?”

His answer was immediate and LOUD. “I want them to know they’re salesmen. All of them think they’re Perry Mason and that business is going to come walking through the door.” I then switched gears and sold him a sales seminar.

We are all salesmen. We are always pitching something to someone. It can be as simple as persuading someone to go to the restaurant you want to go to.

If you play the come-find-me game, you’ll find that you’re actually playing hide-and-go-seek with a really good hiding spot.

The odds of someone finding you are south of slim.

This is more than a pep talk; it’s a reminder of reality. You may have the best mouse trap ever built but if you don’t put some cheese out there, the only thing you’ll snare is more people telling you to go to the job fair.

I wish it was the way it isn’t, but that hope just keeps us on the couch and our pocketbook saying, “ouch!”

All the best,

John

I was never a whiz at math but this Grasshopper thought recently came out of the blue: “Relationships are either a 1 or a 2, meaning either you do more for me or I do more for you.”

There are no zeros in relationships. Relationships are like see-saws. If there ever is balance (Zero), it doesn’t last very long. Zero is a territory we pass through on the way to me or you.

There is no 50-50 in relationships.

I find this not to be a judgement, only a verifiable fact. Just look at any relationship you’re in. Either you’re doing more or less than the other person at any one moment in time.

“Balanced” relationships are like the scales of justice: they tip one way or the other depending on the circumstances. Then they reset to zero until they tip in the other direction. This, to my mind, is the most productive type of relationship to be in.

Sticking with the see-saw metaphor, an “unbalanced” relationship has one of you expending more energy to stay on the ground so the other can stay “up there where the air is rare.” That means you continue to do more than your share and it doesn’t seem “fair.”

I’m reminded of a Grasshopper musing from a decade ago: “Fair is a fairy tale.”

“Fair and balanced” may make a great slug line for a news network, but it doesn’t exist in a relationship.

My friend Doug O’Brien reminds us that rocket ships on their way to the moon are off course 90% of the time. The good news is they auto correct when they go too far in one direction, so they can successfully reach their destination.

Working relationships are a dynamic process. They’re not static; they just shift back an forth from one direction to the other.

You already know if you’re in an unbalanced relationship, no one has to do the math for you. The only question left is, “what to do?”

I don’t pretend to have the answer, only the question: Are you a 1 or a 2?

All the best,

John

The Grasshopper woke me up with this overnight: “Don’t fight to be right; fight for what you want.”

Only one way rewards you.

Fighting to be right is like an ongoing debate. Fighting for what you want has an outcome either way – yes or no.

The real question is: Is the “right” way working?

You may eventually win the debate but there will be no reward other than bragging rights.

I guess the message here is: Ask for what you want.

The long preamble of being right before asking for what you want, almost always, dilutes what you will get.

Skip the argument about being right and you’ll less often be wronged.

All the best,

John

This is one of my favorite blog posts from 6 years ago. I ran across it today and wanted to give it another play.

The end of soon will not happen soon enough for me.

This is a mini-rant.

I detest the word “Soon.” It is the fluffiest word in the dictionary and I’m just as guilty of using it as anyone else.

When is soon? It could be a few seconds to a lifetime depending on who’s using it.

I would rather endure a monsoon than soon.

I got a sales call disguised as a service call last week. The person reportedly wanted to thank me for my business of a recent purchase and then went on to pitch me on another of their products. I inquired when the product I had ordered would be arriving. She replied, “Soon.”

I responded with a question: “When specifically is soon?” She then said, “Oh, that’s not my department; I don’t really know.” I said, “You know enough to lie to me to say, ‘Soon’” and then I politely ended the call.

“Soon” is often a parent word. We use it as shorthand for “Shut up.”

When someone offers you “Soon,” they are giving you a handful of air. If you accept “Soon,” you will be disappointed because your timeframe of soon will not match theirs.

It’s always useful to get clarification of “Soon.” My personal favorite is, “How soon will that happen?” If they come back with “Oh, soon,” you know you are dealing with a person who doesn’t know.

Just for fun, notice how many times you hear the word “Soon” today and know that the person using it has nothing to say.

Rant over!

All the best,

John

It’s close to being the national pastime: Staying Stuck. The Grasshopper chimed in on this observation saying, “Arguing for your conditioning is arguing for your limitations; neither will move you forward.”

Our conditioning cannot be denied nor can it be dismissed as a causative factor on how we act. We act in accordance with our conditioning . . . until we notice.

There is an appetite for defending our conditioning. Look no further than religion. Most people have the same religion as their parents. The question that’s rarely asked is: “Did they ask your permission?” In most cases, you got your religious beliefs through conditioning by your early caregivers. Then you may argue vociferously that you have the one true religion.

Your conditioning will have you assert what has become my least favorite phrase: “That’s the way I am.” When you hear that phrase, you are in the presence of someone who’s stuck. They may claim they want to evolve but can’t because they are so invested in defending their limitations.

When someone calls you on your shit, the conditioned response is twofold:

1. Get angry

2. Get defensive

Getting angry is understandable. No one likes to hear about their shortcomings, even if it’s warranted to point them out. Getting defensive is the more destructive of the two. It’s the glue that keeps us stuck.

Here comes one of my favorite words again: “Noticing.”

When we notice our conditioning, we then have a choice. We may choose to remain the same or we may choose to move forward. If you don’t notice, you have no choice; you’re a prisoner of your conditioning.

It may seem obvious but the best way to avoid moving forward is to stay stuck.

Here’s a challenge that takes some courage: Notice your conditioned beliefs and offer yourself a choice – to stay put or move forward.

All the best,

John

Everybody has a story and we all need to tell it to let it out in the big world rather than keeping it in little old me. But, at some point, it also needs to be retired or it will immobilize you.

The discovery I’ve made about bringing our story out too often is this: You block yourself from moving forward.

Why do we keep our story on the front page for so long? To justify why we are the way we are. “I’m this way because my mother fed me from the wrong breast.” It sounds silly to say that but it’s no sillier than us citing and leaning on our reasons (our story) for why we are the way we are.

Our story keeps us arguing for our limitations.

Everyone’s story is important and once we’ve told it a few times to our counselor, friends, clergy or family members, it’s in our best interest to leave it where it does us the most good – in the past.

To make room for a new chapter in our life we have to purge the old ones.

Some people will elect to keep telling their story. They believe at some level if they tell it just one more time, they’ll get the emotional relief they’ve been seeking. The reverse is actually the case. We cause ourselves more hurt with each successive telling. We revivify the original experience. I’m reminded of what my hypnosis teacher Dr. Dave Dobson said: “You don’t have to go to the landfill to remember what garbage smells like.”

Got a story to tell? We all do but I encourage you to explore the powerful question that author Byron Katie asks: “Who are you without your story?” One answer is this: Free to move forward without baggage.

Retiring stories is like the game of golf: simple but not easy. The simple instruction is to immediately stop telling your story. The challenging part is to realize that you are not discounting the importance of your personal history by no longer telling it.

No one can diminish the importance of your story and no one should try. But if you keep telling it, the only thing you’ll insure is that you’ll stay stuck until the day you die.

The only story worth continually telling is this: Once upon a time I was my story.

All the best,

John