Judgement is a conditioned response. We all do it; it’s just a matter of degree.

The best use of judgement is to experience it and let it pass as quickly as you can. When you hold on to it for too long, it quickly turns to drama. It then takes on meaning that was never intended and then creates a life of its own. It becomes a noun instead of a verb.

Notice how “Judgement” is a solid entity and “Judging” contains movement. Getting stuck with your judgements is just a matter of keeping them alive by making them solid things rather than mere actions.

When someone says, “You’re always judging me”, that’s a major clue that you’ve come upon a person who is highly judgemental of themselves and others. They easily recognize judgement because it so familiar to them.

When we judge someone, we are revealing our training. There’s a high probability that those who brought you up modeled that behavior and it became second nature to you. Think prejudice. That means to pre-judge. It’s already been done before and, through your training, you’re doing it again.

Like I said, we all do it, so what’s the best remedy for getting unstuck?

1. Judge quickly. That means to allow your judgement to have its say and then let it go. If you dwell on it, it will take up permanent dwelling in your mind. The longer you hold it, the more right you become. Right is the mother of all judgements.

    

2. Stop passing it on. The Hatfield and McCoy
   feud is an enduring saga because it’s become a universal metaphor for ongoing judgement. Keep your judgements to yourself unless you’re on the panel of American Idol.

    

This doesn’t mean you can’t give wise counsel based on your experience. That’s judicial. A great judge is not concerned with appearing right, just doing what the current situation calls for without the interference of judgement.

Your success with curtailing your amount of judgements is dependent on doing vs. trying. Trying has built-in failure. Doing involves getting involved with your thought process. That means to notice when you are judging. The more you notice, the less you’ll judge. It takes practice.

Remember: You are going up against a family tree of experience. If you try and chop the whole tree down at once, it may fall on you. Noticing allows you to dismantle your judgements one branch at a time. Before too long you have a handsomely pruned tree – one that’s not as quick to judge you or me.

All the best,

John

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Yesterday I went on an impromptu, one person photo shoot. The weather was perfect and my favorite football team wouldn’t lose until late into the night. I took my trusty new camera out and was headed for the reservoir. It’s a picturesque place, but the sky was drab and the foliage was all but gone. It looked like gray had won the day – not great for a landscape seeking shutterbug.

On the way out to the reservoir, I spotted a farm with some cattle in the field. I filed that scene in my head in case the trip to the reservoir didn’t pan out.

I saw two men doing some work in the barn and asked permission to take pictures of their small herd. They agreed.

In the interest of complete disclosure, I know very little about cattle. I have been thrown by a brahma bull (a dumb stunt from my radio days) and I was in a cow chip throwing competition. Eeww! Outside of that, I’m clueless.

As I began to set up my tripod, I began to feel like Dr. Dolittle. A good portion of the herd came over to the fence where I was getting ready to shoot. It seemed like curiosity on their part. I began talking to them just like I talk to our dog and they began to inch closer.

They all had name tags in their ears and I addressed them by name. I felt like the photographer at Walmart entertaining the kids with my banter to get them animated for the shots. Then something interesting happened. Perhaps a little back story would be helpful.

I had been thinking about my mother recently. She died 8 years ago this month and she’s been on my mind. I was telling a friend the other day how she would greet her grandchildren and little children in general. She would say, “Hiya darlin’.” Her name was Lillian. Her friends called her “Lil.”

After I took photos of my new friends who were kind enough to gather for a group shot, I was ready to pack up and head home. Then one of the gang broke away from the herd and came right over to me. She was but a foot away and she was just looking right at me. I began to call her by her name and she just stood there as though she understood the stuff I was saying.

I could feel a connection with this creature. I uncapped the lens cover on my camera and took several individual photos of her and then bid her fond adieu. When I was looking at the pictures on my computer later in the day, the significance of her name dawned on me.

It made me smile and then laugh aloud when I noticed the serendipity. My new friend’s name was “Lil Darling.”

“Hiya Mom.”

All the best,

John

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I was involved in an interesting conversation about “care” the other day. Have you ever said that someone doesn’t care about you?

That may or may not be true but you have to dig a bit further past the surface to find out.

Fill in the blank. My ____________ doesn’t care about me.

What you may find is that it’s less true than you think because you have left part of the declaration unstated. The deleted piece is this:

___________ doesn’t care for me in the way I want to be cared for, therefore they don’t care. Reminds me of a story . . .

I was hospitalized as a teenager with pneumonia. My mother came to visit me and decided that my toenails needed to be trimmed. It should be noted here that my mother never did anything gently. She proceeded to cut my nails as I lay there in my weakened state. It didn’t take but a couple of clips for her to cut down to the quick of my nail, to the point that all over the hospital you could hear my wail. In hindsight I can easily see my mother certainly cared about me, just not in the way I wanted to be cared for.

There is a lot of miscommunication about care because people aren’t communicating effectively enough. We have a tendency not to listen when the other person is describing their recipe for feeling cared about. We continue to ply our version of care and are upset when it’s not appreciated.

What makes you feel cared about? What about your partner/family member/friend/boss/co-worker? If you don’t know the answer to both of those questions, you need a “care” package.

The package includes two simple instructions:

1. Find out what makes you feel cared about and communicate it.
2. Find out what another’s care needs are and deliver.

You may come to the conclusion that someone doesn’t care for you in the way you want to be cared for. There are options at this point. You can communicate it and see if it can be rectified and, if not, you may choose to seek care elsewhere.

Think of it this way: All doctors provide care; it just may not be the type you’re looking for.

It’s hard to hit the target in a fog, so make an effort to clear the air. It’s a surefire way to find out if you or they really care.

All the best,

John

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Perhaps I felt the need to justify the tears trickling down my face yesterday when I saw the memorial service for the fallen soldiers at Fort Hood in Texas. Maybe it was because I have a son who was deployed during the Gulf War. Possibly it was the empathy I felt for the families left behind with a gaping hole in their hearts. Whatever the case, I was crying.

Unless you’re an actor, crying isn’t something you choose to do. It’s an involuntary response and it’s something everyone could use more of in their life.

We’ve been conditioned not to cry – especially men. That’s counter to what was intended. We have been conditioned to logically legislate our emotions. Now that’s something to cry about.

I find myself quicker to tears in the past few years and find it to be therapeutic. If you need a reason to let your emotions get wet, here’s a practical explanation:

Crying allows you to wash away the thoughts that are stuck in your mind. As long as they stay stuck, you will be stuck with the emotion. Crying allows the emotion to flow from your mind and express itself as salty droplets of release.

If you need another reason to cry, remember this: Withholding tears takes away years.

You don’t need someone’s permission to cry, only your own. Crying doesn’t show weakness; it shows how human you are.

Hiding your humanity is an exercise against nature and will cause you unnecessary and prolonged sadness.

Make a pledge today to allow yourself the freedom to cry. It’s one of nature’s best remedies.

I leave you with some lyrics from an old song called “Cry.”

If your heartaches seem to hang around too long
And your blues keep getting bluer with each song
Remember sunshine can be found behind the cloudy skies
So let your hair down and go on and cry.

All the best,

John

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We’ve all been teenagers. If your memory is anything like mine, you want to forget some of the goofy things you did during that period of your life. The list is too extensive to cite all the inane things, but suffice it to say it’s a long list.

My guess is you have outgrown a number of those behaviors. For example, that probably means you wouldn’t wear one of those crazy outfits today, even on Halloween.

Every time you truly outgrow something, you peel away a layer of conditioning. And with every peel, you reveal.

What gets revealed is you. There you are hiding under layers of conditioning.

Who you are is the light that’s attempting to shine through all the layers. The light never goes out; it just gets dimmed by each layer we adopt.

We had help covering our light through social, cultural and parental conditioning. It really wasn’t our fault. We got what we got, but the sadder news is we believe that’s who we are.

We confuse who we are with the conditioning we’ve received and it keeps our light from shining bright.

There comes a time in everyone’s life where something loses its meaning for you. Something that was so important, no longer is. That’s a layer of conditioning being peeled away. You are coming closer to the light.

This layer peeling, quite often, isn’t a happy event, just a necessary one. It can feel as though you accidentally found out that you’ve been adopted. That unsettling feeling of being deceived is quickly replaced as we bathe in the rejuvenating light of illumination.

Some peeling happens naturally and some is self induced. Either way, it’s beneficial.

Genuine peeling is never preceded by a “should” or an “ought to.” It’s more of an internal nudge to find our light.

You can defend your conditioning until the day you die but that’s just arguing for your limitations. A better plan is to discover your true brilliance.

Anybody got a paint scraper?

All the best,

John

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Did you ever notice that your attention is mainly focused on pain, pleasure or emotion?

It’s hard to focus on anything else while you are in pain. You may be able to dart away for a moment or two but it seems we are like automatic focusing cameras – we zoom right back in on the subject matter – pain.

Intense pleasure also gets us to narrowly focus.

Pain and pleasure seem to be the extremes and don’t last forever.

Emotion is a marathon runner. It can produce pain the whole 26 plus miles.

Emotion is kept alive by instant replay. We play it over and over again in our mind and rile ourselves up to the state of a rabid fan who’s witnessing a blown call on the JumboTron.

We cause our pain to continue when we feed our emotions. Emotions are always looking for a sympathetic friend, someone with whom we can share our pain. Just like no one can go to the bathroom for you, no one can share your pain. It’s yours. You own it.

The trick to turn an emotion into a sprinter is to rent.

How do you rent an emotion?

First, notice that past emotions had a shelf life. They had your focus of attention for a certain period of time and then they waned, making room for something else. This lets you know that it’s possible for them to go away.

Secondly, notice where the emotion registers in your body. There will be a specific feeling in a certain area of your body; you just have to focus to find it.

Finally, focus exclusively on that sensation. Don’t talk about it, feel it.

What you are doing is shortening the storm. I have no idea how it works, I only know that it does.

The amount of focus you can put on the sensation in your body that an emotion produces, the quicker that emotion will move on.

The temptation is to follow our conditioning and tell everyone and their mother, and ourselves, about how badly we are feeling, over and over again. That picture is way out of focus. It keeps a blurry emotion in place and hard to pinpoint.

In order to get tack sharp focus, we have to locate our area of emotional blur and fully feel what it has to offer. This is truly getting in touch with and focusing on your emotions. The purpose is to let them have their day rather than shooing them away.

Just so there is no misunderstanding, I’m not suggesting that you keep your emotions to yourself. Just keep your sentences short. Don’t expect another to metabolize your emotions. They can’t. They can validate your feelings but it’s up to you to focus on a solution.

The solution is to feel. We keep that feeling in place anytime we try and talk it away.

It’s OK to be emotional. It’s just a matter of focus.

All the best,

John

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Did your dog, cat or turtle do something you didn’t like? I suppose you could call that a pet peeve.

Here’s a Facebook type question for you: What are your top 5 pet peeves? Go ahead and quickly list them right now. Let’s do it together. Here are mine:

1. People complaining with no interest in a solution.
2. Someone stepping on the back of my flip-flop.
3. Not doing what you say you are going to do.
4. Not answering a direct question.
5. People looking for a pocketful of fairy dust.

Now let’s take a moment and look over our list. If you’re anything like me, many, if not all, of your pet peeves are with other people. Did you notice that hardly any, or none of them, are about you?

So I look at my first pet peeve and ask myself this question: “How likely is my peeve about someone else likely to change them?” “Highly unlikely” is my answer. OMG, I’m complaining without a solution. That puts me in with all the complainers at the top of my list.

The discovery for me is that we don’t have pet peeves for ourselves – a list of annoying things we do that we never go to work on.

So, here’s my solution: Make a list of pet peeves about yourself and begin to address them.

Here’s a little hint: Your list about other people may contain more than a few that are about you. It’s called “Projection.”

There is a very high probability that what you dislike about another mirrors a part of you that you highly dislike.

Notice how quickly and passionately you say, “I’m not like that!” You may not be, but you’ll never know until you explore the possibility that your complaint may reflect a part of you that you keep hidden, even from yourself.

It’s a worthwhile adventure to turn the spotlight on ourselves from time to time and see what others witness us deny.

You’re probably familiar with the mantra, “What you can conceive and believe you can achieve.” You may not know this one yet: “Whenever you don’t recognize your own pet peeve, you aggrieve and deceive.”

Anybody want to walk the dog?

All the best,

John

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Did you ever notice that the word “conscience” is made up of two syllables, “con” and “science”? Can that mean that it’s anti science or worse, a scheme against science?

Science, to me, is a pure, natural law waiting to be discovered.

To con-science would be a scheme to try and misrepresent the variables and pass the results off as the real thing.

Our main notion of conscience – something to warn us to do the “right” thing – has mainly come about through conditioning. True science isn’t conditioned; it’s always been there waiting to be discovered.

Our conscience contains an arbitrary version of right and wrong. With science, there is no debate.

How long would wars last if babies were the combatants? Babies have no conscience. They do what they do with no malice aforethought. They may have a minor skirmish about something and then be peaceful the next minute with no concept of the other person being right or wrong.

Look at the harm people do to each other in the name of right and wrong. It goes against science.

Evil only exists in the minds of man. Science is pure and only contains the evil that man puts in it. When you put evil into science, you are going against science. You are conning science so to speak.

This is pure word play on my part to underscore an overlooked behavior – that we justify the harm we do with the subjective science of right and wrong.

To me, “The Greater Good” is a con job that goes against science. It simply means that they have a better lobbyist than the person with the adjudged, “Lesser Good.”

As long as my version of good outweighs yours, we’re always going to be at odds.

There are no odds against natural law. It’s pure science, and anytime we try and fudge it to fit our needs, we cause friction.

I don’t believe the concepts of right and wrong are going away anytime soon, so this isn’t a crusade to eradicate them. It’s more of a nudge to notice if they’re working for you or not.

Remember this: If you’re right, someone else has to be wrong. If your only proof of your “rightness” is consensus, you are conning science.

All the best,

John

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Perfection exists. You just have to adjust your angle of view to see it, and then you’ll have a chance to live it.

The Grasshopper, a number of years ago, came out with an observation that “Reality is perfect.” Yesterday I was out walking and The Grasshopper chirped in and said, “Your life is perfect.”

I immediately had a response that cited all the things in my life that were askew and again heard the phrase, “Your life is perfect.” It was a long walk.

I finally got it.

We falsely define perfect as things being the way they aren’t. There is the rub. When we define things exactly as they are, we see reality, which can only be the way it is. That’s perfection.

Imperfection is seeing things the way they aren’t.

When we discard concepts like “potential,” could,” “should,” “would,” and “ought to,” we get a peek at true perfection – reality. When something can only be the way that it is, it’s perfect.

Whether you trip over a Dixie Cup lid or win the lottery, your life is perfect. It can only be the way it is at this moment.

That doesn’t mean you can’t plan for a different reality. You can. You just can’t discount that what you have now is perfect, because it’s the only way it can be right now.

That’s not resignation; that’s reality, which is perfection.

Most people have perfection defined as ideal. The imperfection in that description is that everyone has a different criterion for ideal. There is only one benchmark for perfection – reality – that which is happening now.

When you claim that your life isn’t perfect, you jump the tracks by railing against reality. That just keeps your attention on what isn’t, preventing you from seeing perfection.

When you come to the conclusion that your life at this moment can only be the way that it is, you have found perfection.

When you find the perfection of reality, it clears space in your mind by ending the debate that your life is not perfect. It’s into that space that new perfection will flow. The odds are better that these new ideas will come closer to your concept of ideal because they aren’t burdened with your old limiting idea of perfection.

When Buddha said, “Everything is as it should be,” he could have just as easily said, “Everything is perfect.”

Everything is reality. When we pretend that it isn’t, life becomes imperfect.

All the best,

John

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Many years ago I heard my teacher, Dr. Dave Dobson say, “We live our life by reference.” What he meant by that was the action had already taken place by the time it registered in our conscious mind as a thought. His phrase, “Words are the caboose on the choo-choo of life” capsulizes his observation.

His further point was that you aren’t consciously living in the present moment, but a half a step behind it.

What he didn’t say, but is easy to imply, is that our feeling sense always lives in the present moment. We reference off our feelings.

As a left-brain society, we pride ourselves on making sound, intellectual choices. Which word do you like better, “Hogwash” or “Bulldinkie?”

Our feeling sense always decides before the message makes it to the front lines.

We are sensate creatures who deny that our feelings rule our decisions, whether we are a street sweeper in a one horse town or a Supreme Court Justice.

The illusion that we consciously choose can be witnessed any day of the week when you hear yourself or someone say, “All things happen for a reason.” When you apply a little logic to that phrase, it wilts in the light of day. The way we are wired proves the opposite – All things happen and then we apply a reason.

We live our conscious life by reference.

So how do we get closer to the moment rather than being a step slow? – Become aware of your feelings.

We have been conditioned to chase our feelings away by talking over top of them. We figure if we talk long and loud enough, we can drown our feelings out, especially the ones we don’t like. No amount of logic will make a feeling go away.

Since your feelings are deciding your life, it makes sense to get to know them much better, so we can truly know why we do what we do or what we decide.

Feelings of inadequacy often spawn spendthrifts. Just listen to the “Fun House Mirror” logic of someone living way past their means and you’ll have a finer appreciation of how they feel about themselves.

The person who constantly cites circumstance as the roadblock in their life is divorced from their feelings. The reason they can’t move forward is because of reasoning. Never have they made an effort to get closer to “Decision Central” (their feelings) and feel that sensation which is the underlying cause that blocks any progress.

Feelings are meant to be felt at the time you are feeling them, which is always now, not a half a minute from now when you rationalize them away.

When you make time for your feelings and let them express themselves, you’ll find that the ones that are standing in your way seem to melt and fade away without any conscious coaxing.

When your life is filled with excuses, you are living your life by reference. The remedy is to step into the current moment and feel your feelings. Not only is it cathartic, it also allows you to feel life as it happens, not through the prism of illusion.

The interesting thing is that you won’t find this important discovery in a reference book, only in your body.

All the best,

John

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