I have a confession to make. I have a tendency to lash out when I’m in physical or emotional pain. I suspect I’m not alone.

I have been under the weather for the past 4 days and got to see parts of me that I do not like. The real discovery is that I got to embrace those parts. That means I got to notice them while they were in action. That afforded me the opportunity to head them off at the pass so they didn’t totally take me over and pretend to be me.

Who do we lash out at when we’re in pain? – Usually those closest to us.

Why do we lash? My suspicion is to make someone else responsible for the pain we are feeling. We want them to feel the pain too so they know how much we’re hurting.

One thing’s for sure – A person lashing out is in pain. If their lashing out is a way of life, then they are in severe pain.

The discovery for me is that our pain is our pain and that our attempt to share it is in vain. Lashing out will never get you out of pain.

Our pain is ours to deal with. We may seek assistance from a physician or counselor, but when all the wisdom is doled out, it’s still us that have to address our pain without attempting to send it to another address.

I’m not sure I have a purpose in writing this other than to say, if you notice yourself lashing out, take a moment to notice and acknowledge the underlying pain. It has a way of helping you metabolize it without looking for a whipping boy.

All the best,

John

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I don’t like interpretation.

I Like on and off and black and white. The trouble I run into is that most of my life doesn’t fit into those neat little boxes. There always seems to be lots of interpretation.

The interpretation comes from other people. Unless you are a hermit, other people are part of your life and you will experience tons of interpretation about you.

What you say or do is going to go through others’ filters and will come out differently for them than it does for you. That’s a black and white fact.

Have you ever unintentionally offended someone and then apologized with something like, “My intention wasn’t to offend you”? That’s interpretation at work.

When I studied NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), one of the biggest wrestling matches I had was with one of their main concepts: “The meaning of the communication is the response that you get.” I couldn’t wrap my head around that what I meant wasn’t being communicated.

When something is interpreted, you cannot stick to your guns and say or do the same thing over again or you will set up the framework for a never ending argument. You won’t be communicating. It would be like repeating something to a foreigner who doesn’t speak your language, only you say it louder the second time.

The middle ground for meaning and interpretation is sensory acuity. That means you have to pay attention to how you are being received. That means to pay attention to the feedback coming to you through your senses.

Sensory acuity will immediately let you know if your meaning is getting through or being interpreted. Once you have the sensory feedback, you can pivot to another angle of approach if necessary. My experience is the biggest communication roadblocks come from not paying attention to how you are being received.

The tendency is to say what you are going to say and figure that others know exactly what you mean. That’s almost never the case. There’s lot of interpretation. By paying attention to how you are being received, you have the sensory evidence that will allow you to move forward on the same track or switch to another.

It simply means to get your attention off you and onto another.

If you keep all your attention on you, you will miss the clues that allow a communication to move forward.

I wish I could communicate without interpretation, but precious little would be communicated if I don’t pay attention.

All the best,

John

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To quote my favorite doctor, Dr. Gregory House, “Everybody lies.” No one tells the whole truth because we only have access to part of it at any given time.

Here’s how we play the game: We have a piece of truth and then we build a belief system around it, most of which we can’t substantiate or validate. That does not stop us from prattling it as the whole truth.

When we stick to our truth, we stay stuck.

We extrapolate from our piece of truth and build belief systems that have so many holes in them that they couldn’t possibly be the whole truth. Swiss cheese is jealous.

The truth is we have opinions, most often uninformed, like a majority of the voting populace. Apparently, Winston Churchill agrees with my opinion. He said, “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” I’m also fond of another of his quotes: “A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.” He could have easily put “truth teller” in the place of the word “fanatic.”

Here’s a recommendation for all of us: Stop propping up your piece of truth. It will stand on its own without your fanatical support. Stick with the piece you can validate and my experience is that you’ll enjoy more peace of mind.

There’s a great reminder in the Van Morison song, “Domino” about not extrapolating the truth from a piece of it. He sings:

There’s no need for argument
There’s no argument at all
And if you never hear from him
That just means he didn’t call

How often do we spin the whole truth from one tiny piece of it? We would serve ourselves and those we care about much better by claiming less of the truth.

The next time you are about to prop up your piece of truth with opinions write a blog post like I have. That way we all know what it is – an opinion with a kernel of truth.

All the best,

John

P.S. Today is my 4^th Blog-o-versary. Thank you to all who suggested I write one and thank you to all of you who choose to read it.

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1. I like my PC; I love my Mac.
2. I do all my bill paying on a PC; I do all my creative work on a Mac.
3. I saved the box my iPhone came in.
4. I bought a Mac in the 80’s; I strayed in the 90’s and came back in the new millennium.
5. The iPad is the most used and fun gadget I own.
6. Apple customer service is unmatched by any PC maker I’ve ever encountered.
7. Apple TV commercials are works of art.
8. Steve Jobs either knew what you wanted or made you want what he created. Either way, he was a genius. The Genius Bar should be renamed the JOBS bar.
9. Walt Disney would have loved Steve Jobs.
10. I wish I would have held onto my Mac stock when the market crashed in 2008.

All the best,

John

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I read a quote from a photojournalist recently that went something like this: “I set out to change the world but the world changed me.”

On the surface, most of us would agree with that observation. When you dig a bit deeper, the facts just don’t support the claim.

The world doesn’t change you, a situation doesn’t change you; your response to the situation changes you.

We leave out the fact that we have a choice when we make the claim that someone or something made us do something.

Reminds me of a story I’ve told before . . .

I was conducting a workshop and asked a participant a hypothetical question. I asked, “If I put a gun to your head and tell you to move to another location and you comply, did I make you move?” She answered “Yes.”

She neglected to notice that she had a choice. She also had the unenviable choice to not move and risk having her head blown off.

There are dire situations in the world that people encounter every day. Many change as a result and others do not. Take the serious issue of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as an example. Many soldiers come home from war and have flashbacks that traumatize them. Others, who have experienced the exact set of circumstances, have no after effects. Is one soldier “tougher” than the other? No, they are just responding differently.

The stimulus/response happens so quickly in the affected party that it seems they have no choice in the matter. In order for them to put this traumatic response behind them, they eventually have to come face to face with the fact that they have a choice. It’s the only way to heal. If they conclude that war does this to some people and leave it at that, they likely will be traumatized for life.

A helpful therapist will guide a client to choice. They will help the person appreciate that there is a wedge that we can put between stimulus and response, and each time we do, we offer ourselves a choice. The eventual outcome of repeatedly interrupting a stimulus/response connection is that a different, more productive response will automatically emerge.

The closest we get to control in this life is our response. We just have to recognize that we have a choice in order to make a choice.

The world WILL change you with your unspoken consent. To have some say, it’s necessary to notice that there is a choice point between stimulus and response.

All the best,

John

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I’ve heard it said that self absorption and selfishness is a distinction without a difference. I totally disagree.

In my experience, I have come across many unselfish people who are self absorbed. Their main attention is on themselves but many of their unselfish acts deliberately benefit others.

What is the difference?

Selfishness is about the lion’s share of the benefits coming to you; self absorption is about having most of the attention coming your way.

Self absorbed people don’t let their attention come out to play too often; they believe their unselfish acts are all the attention that others need. It’s a fairy tale that many of us have lived or continue to live.

The commodity that everyone is looking for is attention and there is no physical substitute. No artificial sweeteners need apply.

How many times have you heard it said by someone that they do so much for other people and don’t get any recognition for it? My suspicion is the complaining party is unselfish and self-absorbed.

They may reach into their pocket but they keep their attention locked up. It reminds me of an expression my mother, a lifelong waitress, used to use about people who were “cheap.” She would say, “He still has his recess money.”

Hoarding your attention is as harmful as hoarding your money. The underlying fear seems to be that there isn’t enough to go around, so I’ll hang onto all I can get.

My experience is that when you give attention it begins a process of flow where what you give away comes back to you, oftentimes in greater measure. There are many who make the same claim about money.

There is only one way to prove the theories. Test them out.

If you are lacking attention, give some away. The same experiment can be done with money. If you’re short on cash, give some away and see what happens. You may have to do it more than once to get the flow going, but I believe you’ll discover the harvest is worth the effort.

Unlock your attention today and spread it around. It’s totally unselfish and it will replenish itself like in the parable of the loaves and fishes.

All the best,

John

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I was awakened in the middle of the night with a phrase ringing in my mind – “Supercharged on Superficial.” I wrote it down and went back to sleep.

I looked at the scribbling when I awoke this morning and it made no sense. Then I had a cup of tea and as it warmed me the concept became clear in the tea leaves, so to speak.

How do you know when you are in a conversation that is supercharged on superficial? It’s a conversation where one, both or all of the participants don’t ask questions.

It’s one train of thought passing another train of thought blowing their whistles that only dogs can hear.

There is no communication taking place only mouths moving saying nothing.

To insure that a bit more substantive communication takes place, questions are necessary. They slow down the train of thought and get it focused in a particular area rather than being all over the rail yard.

If someone is just talking to you and not asking any questions, they are really throwing up on you with big chunks of superficial.

I request that you monitor your communications today and notice how long a particular back and forth goes on before someone asks a question. This conversation can be with anyone – your boss, your employee, a spouse, a family member, friend or foe.

The longer it goes on without a question, the shorter it will be on substance.

If you just want to pass gas in each others’ direction, don’t ask any questions and you’ll leave the interaction feeling like you’ve only consumed cotton candy.

If you want to go past superficial, ask questions.

All the best,

John

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I love birthdays. I love remembering them and celebrating them, especially the ones of people close to me. I will admit that I even get a warm fuzzy when the waiters and waitresses sing happy birthday to a total stranger in a restaurant.

I’m sure I’ve explained it before but birthdays seem to be a day to celebrate the uniqueness you or someone else has developed in this lifetime – your special brand of light.

Am I alone in remembering birthdays? Reminds me of a story . . .

About 20 years ago, my friend, Paul was interviewing 50s-60s teen idol, Bobby Rydell. I forget how it came up but Bobby was talking about a kid he knew in high school who had a knack for remembering his classmates’ birthdays. The amusing part of the story is that’s how this fellow would greet you. He would say, “Hi 9-28” or “Good morning 4-16.” That’s when I knew I wasn’t alone.

Birthdays are a celebration of the first time we were treated to you. They point to a special day where someone fresh and new came into our world. Celebrate that freshness as often as you can, and certainly on your or someone else’s special day.

Today is my youngest son’s birthday. Although, as my mother would have lovingly said, “He’s big and ugly now,” his birthday reminds me of the special light he brought into this world with him. It’s such a pleasure and joy to watch that light shine.

I invite you to investigate a new angle of view about birthdays. Remember to celebrate the special brand of light shone by the birthday boy or girl, no matter what their age. Allow the candles on the cake to remind you of the special brand of light that’s always present within them and you.

Happy Birthday 9-28. My birthday wish for you is that you get to see the same light as I do in you.

All the best,

John

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“If you’re in court, answer the objection; if you’re in your head, don’t.” – So said The Grasshopper the other day.

I wrote it down but I had no clue as to its value. It sat for a couple of days and this is what came to me:

When an objection arises inside of our head, it’s in opposition to another piece of “evidence” that’s been presented in there. In other words, we’re talking to ourselves and going back and forth about an issue that internal debate will never solve.

As long as you’re debating, you’re not acting. And if you’re anything like me, the debates have become marathons, and the only reason they end is not because anyone won; it’s because we got tired of debating.

Anytime there is a “should” and “shouldn’t” going on in your head, you’re in for an all-nighter.

The key to suspending the debate is to observe the debate rather than participate.

That means to sit as an observer of the points and counterpoints and notice how they take on a life of their own. Notice how each point is clamoring for attention and how each successive counterpoint gets greater emphasis. It’s quite the show. It’s absolutely pure entertainment when you sit on the sidelines and watch. It’s your own top-rated sitcom and you’ll be entertained by every episode if you just observe.

The minute you choose to participate, the entertainment value goes away and you return to the tongue lashing treadmill that will tire you out and take you nowhere.

The way to end the debate is to observe it in action. Noticing without participation shortens the internal gas-fest and allows space for an actionable idea to pop in.

The minute you notice yourself objecting to a thought in your head, you have been handed the keys to the kingdom. You can choose to unlock the door by continuing to observe, or you can argue about whose going to unlock the door, which is participating.

Fighting with yourself inside your head is sillier than cheating at Solitaire. Both may make you feel superior for the moment, but you know you really haven’t won anything.

An internal fight cannot continue when the objections cease. The way to object less is to observe more.

All the best,

John

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The Grasshopper was up before the sun this morning and had this to say: “Bliss has no prejudice.”

I don’t know about you, but I could use more bliss in my life. I find that when I enter a state of bliss, there is no room for anything else but the feeling itself. It’s an all encompassing sensation that lets me know that everything is taken care of.

When you’re in a state of bliss, there is no room for any of this:

Preferences, prejudices, judgements, hatreds, worries, fears, the need to be right or the need to win. This is only a partial list of things that disappear when we are in a state of bliss.

Notice, however, how quickly our list of items comes back when we are not in a state of bliss.

Our list is what keeps us from entering a state of bliss more often. We are so busy occupying our mind with our positions that we position ourselves on the outskirts of bliss.

The things that go away when we are there are the things that keep us from getting there. It appears to be a Catch 22 about which there is nothing you can do.

My experience is that we can enter a state of bliss on purpose. We do that by recognizing our thought process at work. I am eternally grateful to Jerry Stocking for discovering how going past your first response to a stimulus moves you closer to bliss. A fuller explanation of the process is available in his free e-book The Mind Relief Manuscript that you can sign up for by clicking here.

In short, we have a first response to every stimulus, whether we’re aware of it or not. A stimulus comes along and our conditioned response is right there in a split second. The key to moving towards bliss on purpose is to notice that you also have a second response to the stimulus and a third, a fourth and a 25^th response. It’s the pursuit of those responses further down the list that produces bliss.

This is not a quick fix; it’s a discipline – a way of doing things differently that produces different results. Your first response always produces the same results – your list of items that keeps you from bliss.

What I find as I move further down my list of responses and choose one as my new response, I become more peaceful. I notice that I notice more. I become more observant. I also notice that my field of vision becomes wider, almost panoramic and the thought process in my head calms down, making room for bliss.

We can continue to respond with our first response to a stimulus and we now know exactly what that will get us – a defense of our rigid positions that keeps us from bliss.

It takes effort to remember to move past our first response, but the more often we do, the solidness of our positions loses its glue and the prospect of bliss comes into view.

All the best,

John

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