I was introduced to a phrase this past summer that gets me to reflect more on reality than I do on illusion. The phrase is: “It will be this way until it isn’t.”

Just let that phrase sink in. “It will be this way until it isn’t.”

How often do we find ourselves thinking, “I wish it wasn’t this way”? Answer: “It’ll be this way until it isn’t.”

It’s a reality strategy that prevents us from going off to the land of illusion where we pretend to solve our situations.

The New Year will be here in a matter of days. The ubiquitous resolutions take some form of this statement: “This is the year I will (fill in the blank).”

It’s then that we summon up our weakest runner to get us to the finish line – Willpower.

What if, after you come up with your resolution, and before you sugar high yourself with willpower, you reflect on your resolution with a version of this phrase: “It’ll be this way until it isn’t.”

For example, “I’ll be fat until I’m not.” “I’ll smoke until I don’t.” “I’ll save money from my paycheck every week, unless I don’t.” Rephrase your resolution to include some form of “until it isn’t.”

Many will say, “That’s a defeatist strategy” and they will go down to defeat again doing it the same way that didn’t work before.

“Until it isn’t” opens the door of possibility wider, rather than attempting to go through the narrow doorway we’ve gotten stuck in in the past.

Focusing on reality will present more workable solutions than illusion. When we continually use the same strategy that didn’t work before, that’s the highest form of unfocused lunacy.

“Until it isn’t” gets you focused on reality. The phrase is more than words; it’s a mindset – a new approach.

The traditional resolution focuses on only one way to get to the goal. “Until it isn’t” will open your eyes to more open doors because the doors presented will be real, not figments of your imagination to bump into again. That’s what reality based noticing does – gets us focused on reality.

“Until it isn’t” considers all sides, not just the glitzy one that has failed us in the past. When we consider the whole, we’re looking at reality – the realm of all possibilities, rather than putting all our money on our unlucky number again.

I request that you give “Until it isn’t” a go and see how much farther it takes you.

All the best,

John

I did a blog post about a year ago that got considerable feedback. It was called “Unknown Quotes.”

The purpose was to list some quotes from people that I know that you never heard of who said some memorable things. The secondary purpose was to get you to think about who you re-quote that no one knows. It’s a fun little exercise that’ll brighten your day. Here are some more famous quotes from people I know who weren’t famous:

“The guitar player always gets his pick.” – My best friend growing up (a guitar player).

“If he’s mad, he’ll get glad again.” – My mother.

“It’s more money than you’re making now.” – My best pal commenting on me complaining about a salary offer I received when I was unemployed.

“Where? at the cat hospital!!!” – My business partner’s comment about a person who said some pretty dumb things when I informed him that she was a nurse.

“The Catholic Church has elected its first non-Catholic Pope in over 300 years.” – A newscaster I worked with in Kansas City.

“I put it in a vanilla envelope.” – A DJ I worked with in Wilkes-Barre, PA.

“it’s been up your father’s butt, your sister’s butt . . .” – A friend commenting why she never uses a bar of soap when showering.

Go for it! Find those quotes that are worth re-quoting from ordinary people; it’ll be an extraordinary way to spice up your day.

All the best,

John

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I was out and about over the weekend and had occasion to notice some very “poor” behavior. It’s really easy to go into judgement mode in that case, but this time I went a step further.

As I was about to let my judgement rule the day, The Grasshopper popped in and had this to say: “We are not who we pretend to be.”

It’s not like I haven’t had or expressed that thought before, but this time it was perfectly placed. The person I was about to continue to judge was only showing me their conditioned self, and I was about to respond to them with my conditioned self. It’s a puppet show I’ve been in before – My hand puppet about to judge their hand puppet.

My pretend self was about to judge their pretend self and the only thing that would have done for me is have me continue to live in the land of make-believe.

My rules of behavior, which, for the most part, I had nothing to do with, were about to judge their rules. I was about to judge them for who they weren’t. Then I noticed who was doing the judging – the part of me that pretends to be me.

It’s really a revealing moment to notice. It’s a moment that you notice that your reaction isn’t really you. It’s a conditioned, automatic reaction that has a mind of its own, separate and apart from who you really are – a person with a choice.

It’s worth recognizing that you have a choice when you notice that you’re about to display some automatic behavior. Noticing often delivers a different, more refreshing response instead of a stale representation of our conditioning.

As you are out and about over the holidays, your judgement will be tested. Will you be in the puppet show again or will you make another choice? It’s the difference between pretending and being a real live person with a choice.

All the best,

John

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How many lateral moves have you made in your life? If you’re like most of us, there are too many to count.

Lest you think I’m talking about your job, let me assure you it’s deeper than that.

Lateral moves are what we do every day. They’re the sideways moves to accumulate more data, knowledge and experience in hopes of moving us forward. The results are anti-climactic. Once we get to that forward point, we want to go farther, and the race begins again – the race to nowhere. There is no satisfying destination associated with lateral moves.

The parallel plane to lateral moves is depth. Once your reach depth, there is no other destination that’s necessary. Depth may not make you smarter or richer, but it will enrich you and your wisdom far beyond any lateral move you can make.

Depth is a place from where we can view the insanity of what we do.

It’s a place of observation rather than judgement.

Depth is reached when we can step away and just notice ourselves in action without having to participate.

Depth is becoming aware of what we do when we are doing it. Depth is the place where change is born.

When you notice what you do while you are doing it, you are at the threshold of change. Change is the natural offshoot of depth. Lateral moves are marketed as change but they only keep you in the same place with a different zip code.

Take a moment today and just observe yourself in action. What you will notice is that you truly can’t move forward when you run from side to side.

All the best,

John

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For the last couple of days I’ve been feeling pressured to write about pressure.

Where is my pressure coming from? It’s coming from the same place it always comes from – Me!

We create our own pressure and attribute it to someone else or to a set of circumstances. For example, “He/She is pressuring me” OR “It’s the pressure of the job.”

He or she may be making a demand, or the job or role may be demanding, but the pressure always comes from you.

Pressure is a sensation that we create in our body. It’s how we have been conditioned to respond to demanding people or situations.

What if your boss says, “Have this report done by 5 o’clock or you’re fired.” Are they pressuring you or using your ability to pressure yourself? They are making a request with consequences and you create the pressure.

It’s useful to know where pressure is coming from in order to diffuse pressure. If it’s perceived as out there somewhere, you’ll have a difficult time getting to the pressure release valves. If they are close by, they are easier to reach.

Envision the “Supermom” who needs some pressure relief. She believes she needs relief from her circumstances, when what she really needs is relief from the standards she’s pressuring herself to uphold. The thinking goes something like this: “If I don’t fold all of that laundry, I’m a bad housekeeper. If I don’t volunteer at the school more often, I’m a bad parent. If I dedicate more time to my job, I’ll be a bad wife.” The list goes on and on.

If you are paying attention, you’ll see where the pressure is coming from. It comes from you. If you can turn it on, you can turn it off.

I don’t know where I first heard this next line but it’s useful in appreciating where pressure comes from and how to diffuse it. “A bill is not a bill until it is paid.”

If you have bills piling up, as many of us do during trying times, you pressure yourself unnecessarily by focusing on the pile. You can only pay them when you pay them, no matter how bad you make yourself feel in the meantime. That’s undue pressure.

Begin to recognize that you are the one applying pressure and you’ll have easier access to the valves. What if you adopted the reality strategy of “The laundry will be folded when it’s folded,” rather than pressuring yourself to live up to an impossible standard?

Life will continue to make demands on your time and abilities. You can relieve lots of the stress simply by noticing that you’re applying the pressure.

All the best,

John

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I was watching some old video from my dearly departed mentor, Dr. Dave Dobson and was reminded of how powerful a bonding tool he left us.

Dave called it “Other Than Conscious Communication.” One of the key elements of OTCC is the ability to bond with someone outside of their conscious awareness. It is not some fluffy, philosophical notion; it is a lightning quick, verifiable way to bond with another.

Simply put, this technique involves acknowledging acknowledgement.

All people have behaviors that they exhibit. If you pay attention for just a moment, you’ll be able to see a piece of behavior they display – the way they walk, talk, breathe, arrange their body positions, etc.

For example, their voice has a tone and a cadence, a specific volume and pitch, not to mention an accent. You can take any piece of any behavior and feed it back to a person in the same way they are giving it (tone cadence, volume, pitch, etc.) and, if you pay attention, you will see them acknowledge it. The acknowledgement may come in any number of ways – a quizzical look, a smile, a head tilt, a body or breathing shift or something else. Whatever way it comes, you will notice it if you pay attention. The interesting thing is that their acknowledgement of your feedback goes on outside of their conscious awareness.

The next step completes the bond – Feedback their feedback. If they smile, smile. If they tilt their head, tilt yours the same way. If they shift their body, shift yours in the same way. If they raise their eyebrows, raise yours. You are acknowledging their acknowledgement. It’s like a silent handshake that establishes rapport.

It’s easy to practice and it produces a bond that no conscious Dale Carnegie-like technique can match. I practice it everywhere with strangers – in the supermarket, in airport waiting areas, or just walking the dog. For example, while out walking, I watch the driver of an oncoming car and notice something about them – their body position behind the wheel, the way they hold their gaze, like the furrowing of a brow, or the way they tilt their head. I quickly mimic one of those behaviors. Part of them will notice and do something back. Quite often, in this scenario, it’s a smile or a wave. I just smile or wave back to this total stranger and we have a bond. I can’t tell you how many people wave to me while I’m out walking the dog.

Reminds me of a story . . .

My business partner and I went to New York City in 2004 to meet with a potential client. After the meeting, we walked the busy streets of Manhattan around Times Square. I was silently playing with Dave’s bonding technique as we walked and talked. All of a sudden, my partner asked me what I was doing because he noticed a number of people smiling and waving at me. He knew I was up to something but he didn’t know what. I explained how I was acknowledging their acknowledgement. He was intrigued.

I request that you put this bonding tool in your kit right away. Think of it as an early Christmas gift from me to you – a bonding technique that’s stronger than glue.

All the best,

John

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What did I learn from my enemies? My sense is if you can answer that question, your maturation level is head and shoulders above the rest.

Enemies in this context may be someone you were friendly with before, like an ex, an old boss, a parent or another family member. For whatever reason that warm fuzzy turned into the steely cold attitude you have towards them now.

You may never have warm feelings for them again, but don’t let that stop you from finding out if you learned something from them that serves you well today.

It’s an exercise in appreciation. Reminds me of a story . . .

Anyone who ever attended military basic training can verify the phenomenon I’m about to outline. You have a trainer who insults you, works you to exhaustion and finds any number of dastardly ways to break down your resistance. You come to hate them. You’d be surprised at the number of people who graduate basic training and want to go have a beer with their trainer. They came to appreciate what the trainer did for them.

Others hold animosity towards the person forever and never fully appreciate what they learned by being associated with them.

I’m not asking you to overlook bad treatment from people in your life. Address it if you can. Nor am I asking you to mend a fence with this person. I’m only suggesting that you find something productive or useful that you learned from this person and appreciate them for it. You don’t even have to express your appreciation to them, only to yourself.

Here’s the result: If you are adult enough to answer the question “What did I learn from my enemies?”, you are on your way to experiencing the salve and clear headedness that maturity brings.

I’ve experienced too many people who carry around the “Those Bastards” model around in their head to know for sure that they don’t mature.

If you attempt to find out what useful thing you learned from that bastard, you will experience appreciation, which is a sign of maturity.

All the best,

John

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We primarily tend to think of relationships as romantic ones, but we have them with everyone we meet. Some of them last and some of them don’t. It seems to me that the one common thread to any successful relationship is work.

Relationships take work.

You may consider yourself blessed to be in a relationship that just seems to run under its own steam and doesn’t need any work. WARNING: Rocks ahead!

If you get in a relationship and “set and forget” it, you can forget about it lasting.

Life, for most, is busier today than it’s been in the past. For example, you may work multiple jobs. NOTE: if you are a working parent, you are working multiple jobs even if you only have one. Your time is not your time as much as it used to be and you may take for granted the wonderful relationship you built and watch it crumble before your eyes.

If you are too busy to work on your relationships, you will have less people to relate to in your life.

I suspect we can all plead guilty to the practice of taking some relationships for granted. We will pay a price for doing so.

For those rebuilding relationships, the work doesn’t need to double; you just have to recognize that work is a constant. Once you get back on track, work is still required. Work is a small price to pay for something that pays so many dividends.

If you are unwilling to put in the work, it may be a sign that you don’t want to be in that relationship any longer. That’s also a valuable thing to know. But before it gets to that point, you have a choice to either put on your work clothes or sit on the couch. One action suggests you’re ready for relationships; the other makes you an unrelatable slouch.

All the best,

John

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I was struck by this phrase from out of the blue yesterday: “You remind me of a time I can’t remember” – A Grasshopper moment for sure.

I’m not sure what it means or the stimulus that made it pop in. I just know that it has more essence than a random thought.

I did have a conversation with a friend the day before Thanksgiving about his father who’s suffering the onset of Dementia/Alzheimer’s. I also was asking questions of another old friend on Saturday about someone’s well being – someone I haven’t seen in over a decade.

Perhaps those people and their stories got me to wondering about times that have faded past memory.

I’m sensing there’s a deeper application of the phrase and I’m fishing for it as I write this blog.

We all have a time we can’t remember and I sense there is a part of us that we get reminded of from time to time that we can’t remember either.

We have become so conditioned to associate our thoughts to who we are, that it makes sense to pause and reflect on who we were before we had thoughts. We were the same essence – just without thoughts.

The time we can’t consciously remember is the time before thought. We may revisit that time briefly in a moment of reverie or reflection, when we only experience something without the aid of thought. Think of a time when your breath was literally taken away by something of beauty. Your thoughts were as absent as your breath at that moment.

There is a part of us that doesn’t lend itself to thought filled memories, but only to the experience of those memories. That’s the part that we’ve lost touch with. It gets crowded out by thought.

There is a place of knowing without knowing what it knows. We inhabited that place before we could think, and visit there now only when our thinking pauses.

I believe we would all benefit by more pauses so that we can experience the absolute serenity and beauty of a time we can’t remember.

All the best,

John

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“Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things when they are small,” said Lao Tzu.

When we overlook small, we look past our present into a future that will likely never be, because we discounted the building blocks of ABC.

It makes sense that when the foundation is solid and properly laid that our chances for success increase. If I asked “why” questions, I would want to know why we close our eyes when pouring the foundation.

Rather than ask why, I just recognize that we do, over and over again.

We often lament that XYZ is for other people not us. I submit that if you looked at the bulk of possessors of XYZ, you would find ABC as their base.

There’s a reason old axioms hang around; they’re based in basics.

Measure twice, cut once.

Garbage in, garbage, out.

And my personal favorite . . . If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.

“But I already know all that stuff” is what we invariably say as we look towards the future and ignore today.

The tool most suited for growth is the one we most often leave in the toolbox – Recognition.

Recognize that small is worth paying attention to. Recognize that this moment is the only one that will take you to the next, so don’t ignore it or you make your future a Xerox copy of your past.

Moments are small but when they are maximized with recognition, they take us even farther than XYZ – “To infinity and beyond.”

Your creative future is encased in the current moment. To release it, you have to pay attention to the moment.

When you look past ABC, your future is spelled out for you. It’s a jumbled mess.

All the best,

John

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